Limerence and My Situation 5

[Lovelyp]

Parkema I think you are so worried about having her back to the point that you are doing things that make you less attractive to her. Try to detarch and focus on your own happiness. Remember they say that you get a partner to complement you meaning on your own should be happy. I dont think yor happiness shoould depend on her coming back or not. If she chooses not to come that is her loss but I would encourage you to focus on making yourself a better person. Look at your flaws and work on them, GAL and never give her a hint that you cant leave withot her because it makes her feel like she was too good for you. You need to prepare yourself for the worst understand issues you have and work to build more self confidence and dealing with all weaknesses you may have. That helps a lot. You are doing this for you. Be patient and take heart.

[MoveFrwd]

I'm beginning to tire of repeating myself, I have a different opinion to most on this board but will stick to my principles and quite possibly won't get to a successful conclusion.

Mark -
Do you have a list of goals?

You say things like "this is my bonudary" and thats fine.
But Im curious if keeping that/those as boundaries are helping you to achieve your goals.

Which is more important to you - to hold a boundary or to meet your goals?

[Parkema]

All,

“Detachment - the state of being objective or aloof. “He felt a sense of detachment from what was going on"
synonyms: objectivity, dispassion, dispassionateness, disinterest, indifference, aloofness, remoteness, distance, open-mindedness, neutrality, lack of bias, lack of prejudice, impartiality, fairness, fair-mindedness, equitability, even-handedness, unselfishness "as an anthropologist you look on everything with detachment"

At the very beginning of my post Cadet sent me the usual reply with all of the links to pages to help the “newcomer” one was about the lighthouse.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619.

"Letting Go"
* To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
* To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another.
* To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
* To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
* To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
* To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
* To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
* To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
* To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
* To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
* To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
* To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
* To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
* To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
* To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
* To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more.

^^^^^^ is part of the detachment thread, I don’t see detachment as black or white but shades of grey it’s not attached or detached its being smart, I’m NOT trying to convince anybody that I’m detached from my WW I DON’T WANT TO BE! What I do want to get across is that having some “smart” contact can be beneficial IMO.

It’s suggested that separation is NOT detachment see the above definition (remoteness, distance), separation also allows the WS to affect their own destinies and to permit another to face reality < I didn’t write this see above!!!

I’m unashamedly standing for my MR and working towards a point where RC could be presented BUT based on a modified version of DR’ing and other principles not outlined here on these boards, I appreciate constructive advice of course BUT take offence to views that are based on my limited ability to describe my situation “reeks of pursuit” based on what? The ONE time I fell from grace regarding Christmas day…
Detachment isn’t about physical separation but mental < I’m sorry I care about my WW but that doesn’t mean I’m pursuing or mind-reading or romanticizing the A as I keep saying MANY TIMES I’m working on me, moving on with my life as it’s the only thing I can do and just enjoy as best I can in my situation.

I WHOLEHEARTEDLY DISAGREE EVERYBODY WHOS WORKING TOWARDS RC HAS TOTALLY DETACHED FROM THEIR WS IT’S JUST NOT POSSIBLE, if it were then RC would not there would have to be some emotional connection.

Kaizen –

“Mark - Do you have a list of goals? < Yes posted way back BUT constantly changing.

You say things like "this is my boundary" and that’s fine but I’m curious if keeping that/those as boundaries are helping you to achieve your goals. < My goals are based on where I feel I fell down in our MR, not showing enough affection, emotional support and distance, MNGS. Funnily enough none of these issues would be benefitted by detachment…

Which is more important to you - to hold a boundary or to meet your goals?” < I feel my boundaries have aided me immensely by keeping my sanity and regaining some of my respect back from WW so they are important to keep in place and never compromise their adherence, my goals are not as important but non-the-less important for my next chapter wherever that may be. I have less pressure regarding my goals I find these hard to measure but time is a factor, keeping my boundaries is monitored “minute by minute” and as such stays very relevant.

Thanks.

[MoveFrwd]

I find [my goals] hard to measure but time is a factor, keeping my boundaries is monitored “minute by minute” and as such stays very relevant.

Then I think that you arent setting your goals correctly.

A good set of goals should be 5 things:
- Specific
- Measurable
- Achievable
- Relevant
- Timebound

What that means is for something to really be a goal, you need to be able to measure it. And it needs time sensitivity.

So to say, "I will eat healthier" isnt a goal. Because it isnt specific...and it isnt measurable. Ive written before, if you switch from a cheeseburger and large fries and a coke to a cheeseburger, small fries and a coke, it is "eating healthier", right? But, my guess is that it wouldnt really qualify as meeting the goal.

Same goes for dealing with W. You need to figure out what you want, specifically. And then divide that up into achievable steps that can help you reach your goals. If your boundaries contradict your goals, then how are they even goals?!?

[Parkema]

Kaizen,

This is going to take some time and research to do correctly, my goals need to be something that aids my cause. I feel a LOT of soul-searching and a re-cap into the DR book is in order.

Will come back with my goals when I feel they're good enough to warrant your time.

Thanks.

Mark.

[Rose888]

You are simultaneously saying your physical separation is evidence of your detachment from your wife and stating that you don't want to be detached.

Synonyms are rarely exact duplications of the term, but objective and aloof (the actual definition) fits what we are talking about here. It's getting to the point where your mood is separate from your wife's mood or actions.

Emotional detachment does not equal physical distance or physical separation. It also is not the same as no contact, although many people find it harder to emotionally detach if there is a lot of contact.

Since there was no physical separation in my case, I think of emotional detachment as independent of physical separation,

I'm over a year into piecing, and I'm still working on emotional detachment. Detachment is not a barrier to reconciliation. It's been hugely beneficial to my marriage.

As for pursuit, I am not basing my perception on the one Christmas conversation. I took some time to think about what it is in your posts that reads so strongly of pursuit. I should say that I have a strong distancer streak, so I might read this differently than most people, but to me, any time you show your wife that her words or actions affect you strongly, that feels like pursuit.

So, the trophy incident, the fight about whether you'll see OM, and even your boundary about not seeing OM, all feel like pursuit to me. And that's just in the last two months.

I don't expect you to agree with me, and others might think I'm way off base, but that is how I read the situation.

[AnotherStander]

Mark, I'm curious why you've been getting so defensive and argumentative lately, I get the sense you're not trying to convince us but perhaps yourself? Something to think about. You've really kind of been all over the place, for example:

You lack understanding of my situation.

We don’t live together – detachment
We don’t spend time together EXCEPT hand-overs - detachment

You're trying so hard to convince me/ us that you are detached, but then:

I’m NOT trying to convince anybody that I’m detached from my WW I DON’T WANT TO BE

You're not detached and don't want to be? I am not trying to call you out or shame you or anything of the sort, I am just saying slow down, take a deep breath, think about where you are (you personally, not your M), where you want to go and how to get there.

I'm sure you've seen this before, 25 posts it now and then but I think the guys around here that are in piecing can really relate to the truth in this:

Here are lines from Swingers that may help.

And what if I don't want to give up on
her?

ROB
You don't call.

MIKE
But you said I shouldn't call if I
wanted to give up on her.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
So I don't call either way.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
So what's the difference?

ROB
The only difference between giving up and
not giving up is if you take her back
when she wants to come back. See, you
can't do anything to make her want to
come back. You can only do things to
make her not want to come back.

MIKE
So the only difference is if I forget
about her or pretend to forget about her.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
Well that [censored].

ROB
It [censored].

MIKE
So it's almost a retroactive decision.
So I could, like, let's say, forget about
her and when she comes back make like I
just pretended to forget about her.

ROB
Right...or more likely the opposite.

MIKE
Right... Wait, what do you mean?

ROB
I mean first you'll pretend not to care,
not call - whatever, and then,
eventually, you really won't care.

MIKE
Unless she comes back first.

ROB
Ah, see, that's the thing. Somehow they
don't come back until you really don't
care anymore.

MIKE
There's the rub.

ROB
There's the rub.

[Parkema]

Rose guess what your right.

As you know I had to move out due to her attitude towards my children and me progressively being more toxic if I could have I would have stayed in the FH. I want to be smart about detachment that's all.

Rose why would you want to emotionally detach from your WS if he's willing to work on your MR? If I get to that point I'm all in to create a brand new and improved R that is full of loving emotion towards my S aren't we not supposed to provide EN's and is this the reason I'm here in the first place..?

Your post should bring hope to all here as you NEVER detached from your WS stayed together through his A and STILL managed to RC. I just can't agree especially being in that close contact you emotionally detached totally BUT detached smartly and that's what I am trying to portray here..

The trophy incident is about territory NOTHING about pursuing WW.
Not meeting OP is about me staying out of prison and smacks of her pursuing.

I stood up for my boundary as it has major implications with my sanity and allowing me to heal by NOT suffering too much with visions of my W with another man. I feel what has come from our conversations is that A's affect men and women differently.

I congratulate you in piecing and hope no I'm sure it will go well.

Mark.

[Parkema]

AS,

Sticking up for my beliefs but apologise.

I'm just not understood and I accept that but will continue to DR although modified version and listen to the vets. We all have our opinions and my view on detachment differs to most here, so be it.

Thanks.

[25yearsmlc]

Park

I do not disagree with your desire to reconcile at all. This is a pro m site.

But you simply don't understand the term or concept of detachment in the DB world.

You are using a term of your own. And arguing about why we are wrong.