I had to make a quick visit to W's apt with my D, which is very close to to my house. The intent was to get something for my D. In the past, W would come to house and just announce she's in the driveway could I let her in for item for child. I should of known better and called in advance and let her know I was coming, but rather because it was for D and quick errand, I let her know was outside could D come in for item.
W came out just irritated at me, asking why I didn't call in advance. I apologized for my mistake by assuming this is how she handled quick errands, and let her know I would not do it again. But, it was just to look of irritation in her face at me in my car.
After I grabbed the item, went back home and set text to W, stating my apologies for my arriving w/o any notice. Just a couple of observations: after this affair confrontation this week, you would think she was the one being betrayed on. While I'm the polite one acting courteous. Further, after all this time, I really believe I have changed, because I would of argued with W on why she was irritated and the lack of fairness, now I just understand the situation and apologize what she sees is an error.
Overall, I know I want my family and W back, but she's has really changed...She has told me she's depressed, appears to be in an emotional mess, just unhappy. In my limited interactions I'm just as courteous to her as possible. Not really sure it this action helps at all. I know its about patience but my original BD has been mid-2016 and really feels like I'm in a worse situation now.
I may see her tomorrow at S game, but I don't know. Typically we sit next to each other (of course this is before meeting this week). I plan to just be courteous to her and respond only in kind...the even is for S.
Leave her be her depressed, emotional and unhappy self. With you out of the picture she gets to find out that you are not responsible for her mess. As for her behavior towards you apologize once and leave it at that. No need for text apologizing. And the next time she shows up to your place unannounced, then you give W the same message she gave you. But in a more cordial manner.
Tread - Really appreciate the advice. I agree with you 100% to allow her to work through her own emotional state...maybe but not expecting it there could be an epiphany as to her own outlook for the preservation of the M.
As to the text, I probably wouldn't do it again. When I did it, I asked myself how would I react if W was neighbor or co-worker, I would of sent a short text admitting my error and state it won't happen again.
As I expected, W did not show up to S's game this morning. W loves son, but probably due to the encounter this week on exposing affair, she felt best not to be near me.
It's been a heavy week for me. It feels odd that after uncovering affair, i am reliving the feelings and anxiety when bomb first dropped, but in a slightly diff perspective. However, I'm handling it better than I thought. I absolutely dwell on it because it so raw and new information for me, but I'm not all that down, depressed, or even angry about it...just hints of it.
What I do think about is the "WHYs" Why do I want to save M?, Why do I think I can forgive my W?, Why did she do this to me? ...
Within my own introspection, I freely admit my part and responsibilities in the damage of our M, and there's a part of me that wants to believe if I can truly forgive and try to move on with W's affair, maybe she can as well on my damaging behavior. Again, I feel like I'm bringing things up which through counseling and time I've worked on to improve/fix for myself, but just feels like these own wounds are all back.
There something I read recently its about the Affair Paradox. Which in broad terms the person most able to help you to deal with being betrayed on is the betrayer, because we seeking to see some sort of sense of this traumatic event. When in the initial BD when W stated due to my behavior caused her to lose trust in me and detach from M, I did what I could for that 6 months to help her deal w/her pain by being sincerely remorseful, patient, making changes and talking to her when she needed it. However, because I find out about her A now as we are separated, I feel she has rob me of properly processing and being able to receive support to deal with my issues from her A. I also realize, maybe thinking any possible support from W probably is a pipe dream, because it assumes she want to help me and some inclination to save the M.
Sorry for the rambling, just a lot of conflicting thoughts in my head.
I have a 50/50 arrangement with WW and normally we exchange kids on Sunday a little after dinner. Typically, because we live so close to each other, WW drops off or pick-up kids from my house. One boundary (if you can call it that) is that I didn't want WW to pick-up kids from my house any more (or have mail or packages delivered to house), to start fully separating households. It felt right to make this boundary for me.
I've been physically separated from WW since Jan, and after a few pick-ups I was getting better and emotionally stronger about not getting to see my kids for the next 7 days. Today, it felt so painful to let my kids go. If I had to guess is because my known universe changed this week, and believe that this IS going to be my future voluntarily or involuntarily.
Typically my interaction with my WW anytime she's home is me being polite and accommodating. Today, I couldn't even look at her face and I'm not sure she was looking at mine. We were just talking directly to the kids about their stuff. I just needed to unload their stuff and get out as soon as I could, and she probably felt the same way. Probably out in less than 5 min.
Am I doing something wrong? Should I try to be more engaging with WW, or is the feelings I have right now influencing my actions?
