I'm so sorry for your loss. My dear father passed away a few months before my H BD me with his A and it was devastating! I had a lot of additional anger that my M problems distracted me from a more natural grieving process. Please take the time you need to grieve his death, practice self care, and try and have extreme patience with yourself and this process.
When my H returned and we started piecing, my anxiety was still high and I felt a need to figure things out and know which direction we were heading. A lot of that was fear. The reality is that we have all the time in the world and the sitch will unfold over time as it should. If you feel that he is avoiding issues, then you can think about what you want to know, communicate that, but also be prepared that your emotional response may he different than you thought. I agree that he needs to be open and share details with you, because you have to learn to trust him again. Just know those details will sting. Also if he refuses to open up, know that you cannot force it. You can however create boundaries and let him know you are not comfortable with his answer, take a step back, and revalue your position. Accepting him back into the M is no gaurntee that the M will last forever, it is your gesture of trying to forgive and mend things IMO.
The hard thing about piecing is that there is no rule book. So we have to figure out how, with constant triggers throwing us off balance. Can you find a M therapist that is pro M and specializes in As? Someone that understands the traumas this causes the betrayed S. There are also lots of good books that help after an A that you can both read. Maybe read them at the same rate and set aside a couple times each week to discuss? Often the Wayward S struggles to see how deeply they have wounded the betrayed S.
Take care. And keep taking lots of time for you and your own healing, with and without H.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I have also found the followng books to be helpful. Books which help me include: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Jr. Harley
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
M 11 Dated for 4 years before then Me 35 H 39 D 10 BD Feb 2016 A 2015 Dec I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
Thanks for your comments all much appreciated as always. Thankfully Mark not a bump in the road but him trying to be honest by sharing the message with me and AS was right my reaction made him feel like why should he share with me if I am just going to kick off.
H went to IC on Wednesday night and she is proving to be excellent for him. We talked a lot when he got home, calmly and not about specifics but more about how we felt and what we both needed/wanted to achieve going forward. Yes I cried a little and so did H but in a controlled way and we both realise that this is not an overnight thing and will take a lot of hard work but it’s about how we react to each other. We agreed to set an hour aside last night to start to talk about specifics and would see how we felt after an hour if we wanted to continue. He asked me if I would like him to sleep in our bed and I said I would like that but not tonight.
As Cadence advised I wrote down some questions to work through and H had prepared by writing down some dates and significant events that he could remember. We talked for about an hour and a half in the end and then both agreed that we felt it was time to stop for the night. We went for a walk and chatted about the kids and other stuff and then had dinner together. Our S is on a school trip and DO stayed with a friend so we had quiet and space to chat. He was completely open and as AS said it was a lot more mundane than you imagine and he said afterwards he wished that he had done this weeks ago as it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as he thought and although it was hard to relive it he knew he had to for me. AS do you actually know my H, lol.
When he first got home he immediately told me that OW had been in his office for about half an hour before he left work. Being really nice at first and then when he was matter of fact with her and said what is done is done we both need to move on she started to attack me. Apparently she calls me Saint SJ which I find quite ironic and amusing. My H doesn’t have strong emotions on the whole but when he does you know and I could tell by his face and words when he was telling me he was not happy with this at all. He told her to back off and that I had done nothing wrong so she needed to stop. She said she was going to tell me everything and he said go ahead if it makes you feel better but she already knows and really isn’t interested. She then said she was self harming and contemplating suicide (she has a history of this allegedly, she posts it all over social media) he told her to tell her H.
H is now on a course for the next 3 weeks and she is off work today so he won’t have to have any contact with her but he is also looking into getting transferred to another post if he can still get something close to home but there are no guarantees with the army. I am really not concerned either way, it would be nice if he could move but if he has to stay there so he can get home during the week so be it. As he is away he won’t be able to have any IC appointments but C suggested that he keep a diary of his thoughts/feelings/interactions with me good or bad so they can work through that when he’s back. I will have had the same number of IC appointments myself by then so hopefully will have worked through my stuff.
I know this is just the start of a very long journey and the rollercoaster will continue to roll up and down but I do today feel much more positive. I woke up at 4am and couldn’t get back to sleep as my brain was whirring with some questions from our conversation. We had said about spending another hour tonight but I think it may be too much too soon as it was quite draining so I have simply written down the questions from last nights conversation and leave it at that I think.
Any comments appreciated as always.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
I have also found the followng books to be helpful. Books which help me include: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Jr. Harley
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
M 11 Dated for 4 years before then Me 35 H 39 D 10 BD Feb 2016 A 2015 Dec I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
So encouraging to hear how things are. Seems he is making good consistent actions that matter. I'm so happy for you. Very good suggestion from the C about keeping a journal about thoughts and what happens. All the best.
Sorry for posting same message twice.
M 11 Dated for 4 years before then Me 35 H 39 D 10 BD Feb 2016 A 2015 Dec I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
Thanks Leahsue. It does feel so more positive but I know it's going to be a long road but worth it if we can crack it. I feel like I should move to the piecing forum but there doesn't seem to be much there so maybe newbies can read my thread and look back through my others and it will help them see that detachment is the key
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
