25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 7

[Tread]

25,

Just curious to why you would keep G around at this point? Clearly M is who you want, but wouldn't messing with G potentially risk things with M?

[25yearsmlc]

25,

Just curious to why you would keep G around at this point? Clearly M is who you want, but wouldn't messing with G potentially risk things with M?

Good question but 1) M is not asking for exclusivity and we are barely starting out. I met him in a support group so although I feel I know him better than I would a guy I met in ordinary circumstances, we have just begun a relationship.

And 2) G is confusing to me. I thought we were friends, and that's probably b/c I have 5 brothers, and just left a long m. I did not cheat but I interacted with a lot of men, (military too) so I must have missed his signals. I shut out flirting in my professional life and just acted as if it wasn't happening. That mostly worked. Like I'd say "what?? Oh I'm married" and let them save face (hey, it was the Army. Not so easy to tell a man off, esp 15 years ago).

G brought up his financial solvency and I realized the only reason to do that (he didn't seem to be bragging) was b/c he wanted me to know he was not seeking a purse in a woman.

And he spoke of finding a special lady and I realized, (I think) that he was referring to me.

I wanted to make sure I wasn't being full of myself so I asked my fav brother and he said "oh yeah , he wants to move forward in the r and is letting you know you won't have to worry about money"

which is very kind of him, actually.

Whereas I only met M a month ago. But I hear you Tread, I will find a way to explain to G that I really value his friendship (and I do.) We have a lot in common. My older sister said to give him a chance b/c I'm very comfortable with him and he has been divorced a long time. So I hesitated.

Here is a question. Last year my T in California hammered the "don't marry the first guy you date" and she really really hammered it. I guess it's a frequent thing to marry the first person who makes you feel desirable after an ego blow.

So I believe I should date for a bit and not choose. Figure out what I want in my adult self, as opposed to the 19 y/o who chose and married h.

A part of me asks "why choose now, if there's no request for exclusivity?"

[Tread]

Your right there is no need to choose now. It was just the fact you mentioned that there was no attraction to G. So I was wondering why entertain him other than he is a nice guy that is willing to pay for things? I know that isn't your intent. But I have seen women who will keep a nice guy around to hang out or get a free meal out of. When there is someone who they are attracted to, but they aren't doing half as much as the dude the woman isn't attracted to. Guess I am trying to figure out how female thought process works in dating, since I'm on the verge of heading in that direction. Men on the other hand would be like "There's no real attraction, but I keep her around for sex." Its crude, but there is truth in that statement.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Tread]Your right there is no need to choose now. It was just the fact you mentioned that there was no attraction to G. So I was wondering why entertain him other than he is a nice guy that is willing to pay for things?

he does not pay for things. I pay my way. He merely mentioned that he's solvent and I assume he's doing that for a decent reason. Plus he knows I'm embroiled in a crap divorce

[25yearsmlc]

in a survey of spouses, the 2 things women wanted most were

fidelity and security.

IMO, Security means physical safety (I'll back you up when you are checking out the weird noised downstairs) and

yes financial security.

Men wanted attractiveness (trophy?) and peace in the home, (which I assume means no complaining, even if valid?)

there are ways to see things with our user bias

like when the fans of 2 teams watch the same game and there are bad calls,

each side attributes 50% more bad calls against them, than the other. It's as if they were watching two different games.

Just FYI

[25yearsmlc]

what's the longer term deal with paying for dates?

Seems unfair to have the guy pay all of it, when things are starting out, but if I'm invited to be "taken out" then yeah, I think the guy pays. And same goes for when it's my idea to go somewhere.

But we are now both adults, so, input?

[Jim1234]

25, If you enjoy G's company, there's no harm in going out with him, but I would be very clear what your interest is in him. If he's just looking for a dinner companion, then you're in great shape, but if he's looking for something else, I'm sure he'll appreciate your honesty, even if it does hurt.

[Lovelyp]

in a survey of spouses, the 2 things women wanted most were

fidelity and security.

What do you want most 25? What did you want more when you ere in your marriage? s it different from want you want and value now?

I think you are right not to rush to choose now.

[25yearsmlc]

What do I want? Well at this point I'm not in a deep r, but....looking ahead...


Honesty, loyalty and kindness are so essential that they are deal breakers if absent. Of course I would not date a guy if I believed one of these things were missing so it'd be a question of extracting myself as soon as a missing element manifested. Crappy tippers, rude to the waiter, cutting people off in traffic, - gross. Bye bye...

RE fidelity - for ME, means loyalty and keeping your word -including sexual monogamy.

IF we agree to date exclusively, then that's the deal. If not, so be it. But don't lie.

I'm not looking for a big commitment b/c I just came out of one.

I am not bragging or confessing, but stating as a fact, that I did the heavy lifting in the marriage for the whole 35 years - and being married to someone in medicine made me think that was "temporarily" reasonable.

(Turns out it was permanent...) Bottom line is that my needs were so dovetailed with h's that they are not even mine, necessarily.

I'm not in the mood to do it all again even if the guy is great.
(Not yet, I mean.)

Someday I will probably go "all in" again, but I don't feel like I have to right now. Good grief, let's hope not.

In a marriage, fidelity is mandatory for me. I'm not into polyamory but I understand some folks are. I just don't get the point about marriage if it's not exclusive. If there are no children and you want to keep "dating" others, why on earth pretend otherwise with a wedding ceremony and dishonest promise?

[25yearsmlc]

What does Security mean to me and what did I miss in my m?


For ME, it means reliability and I can count on you. I did not see how much that was missing in my marriage, until recently. H never took a day off for our kids being sick and I had to pretty much care for the 2nd and 3rd child from day one, b/c h was a DOCTOR...and picked me up after the birth of our second child late, so I had been discharged for 7 hours and starving in an empty room the nurses gave me. He was at a different hospital and I could have had my parents pick me up! H never said he'd come at dinner time. Ugh, hurts just remembering.

yes, Security also means financial solvency - I don't want to be used for wealth anymore than a man does. But I don't want to worry about money the rest of my life, either.

*A man being a "good provider" meant a roof over my head, utilities on and food on the table, at a minimum. And It seemed more applicable & valuable when I had children, and at some biological level (which I would never tell my feminist friends about )

I did want to know that the basics were being met, and that h was working hard,

while I did the bulk of the nurturing. I needed to know he'd investigate scary noises in the basement - but I'd back him up! I valued that he was physically strong too. Like he can open the pickle jar, you know?

And I think it was a division of labor we both just had.

Later on, he resented that d20 was "so needy" (and so hurt/angry at his prolonged absences) and he'd prefer to have changed the arrangement.

naturally He wanted to be totally welcome at home and never made to feel awkward, even if he created the alienation he resented by being gone SO MUCH.

I did my best to paint over all that, and in retrospect It's a regret I'll have to let go of.

I wish he knew that a parent's job is to assure the child of being loved, and to show up and to keep showing up, even when it's really hard.

of course, as for H's actual thoughts/feelings on these^^ matters, I don't know for sure, as he never, ever told me. Not once.

Back to the question of fidelity if we are in a committed r. (Otherwise it's just a lie, right?)

I see loyalty as a subset of fidelity- regardless of having a committed r or not.

That means No behind my back criticisms - especially of things he never shares with me, no disclosing private matters of mine/ours,

and he has to stand up for me even when the other person is "important". This is vital. A deal breaker if absent.

ANECDOTE as to why I feel this^^ way...

*H's mother was a religious bigot, which I did not know until our son was being baptized. H never said a word to her in my defense. But it's worse...

Turns out, when we got married, he had promised her we'd raise them in HER church.

(Uh, no, I had no idea such a promise was made.)


So while I thought she was a bigot at baptismal time, as she refused to go, she thought I had broken an important promise. Wow.

All b/c h was "conflict avoidant" when we were getting married. He never said a word to me or her.

And I only learned of this ^^ in passing after she died. He shrugged that she and I were not "that close b/c [he] promised her we'd raise the kids in her religion."

Like this^^ was not a huge bomb..."wait, WTF? You promised her what?"


So he ruined the r between his mom and me, and that affected the r's she had with our kids, which was pretty non existent. They have almost no recall of interacting with her.

Just so I get this off my chest, for the record,

I WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE WITH OUR CHILDREN GOING TO HER CHURCH

AND BEING BAPTIZED IN IT! I'd have done both churches. No big deal.

See the supreme irony?

And I'm pretty confident h learned nothing from that.

In fact, if I brought it up as some form of teaching point, he'd stare at me like I "can't move on".

and my s31 would say "mom, dad cannot learn a teaching point from you, or from his mistakes."

And s31 would be right.

But I digress...