25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 7

[Accuray]

most of the men I meet are, to be fair, damaged.

Not "damaged goods" - but damaged men b/c they are divorced and that's something that wounds. (And so am I).

Someone who has been wounded is not necessarily damaged, nor is everyone who has been divorced irreparably compromised in some way.

I had this fear before I started dating, but experience has shown me that there is really no difference in the dating population now than there was when I was in my 20's in terms of "damage". Everyone, without exception, has their issues, but its on a spectrum. Some people have serious issues in their past but deal with it exceptionally well, and other people haven't faced much adversity at all but deal with life's little challenges poorly.

People can take serious baggage away from a divorce and never recover from it, while others learn from the divorce, evolve, and emerge better and stronger than they were before.

I think if you go into dating expecting to find damaged souls that's all you're going to see.

One way that dating has changed for the better since I was in my 20's is that a lot of the friction has been removed -- with all the dating apps, sites, etc. there is no longer a challenge in figuring out who's available and who's not, or instrumenting ways to meet people. You can instantly figure out who's available to date and learn at least a little about them before you even meet.

There are great and amazing men out there for you to meet, and if you approach it with the right outlook, you'll find them!

Acc

[Accuray]

(One other thing -- talking about divorce is a symptom of being recently divorced, or of not yet having moved on. My divorce doesn't define me, and would not even come up at this point if I were dating someone new. When you're freshly divorced it's all you think about because the experience was so traumatic. That diminishes with time)

[25yearsmlc]

well I would hope/assume it'll diminish!

I used the term "damaged" in quotes to clarify the usage not = "damaged goods" but to mean a wounded person. I'm wounded.

It's a traumatic experience that does not leave us the same as we were. Many of us become better people.


But the men I meet whom I would date, are over 40. So they have been divorced (or widowed).

When the topic comes up of their divorce, I do listen carefully to their wording.


I'm looking forward to dating more and hoping my sense of humor helps when things are weird.

which they will be at some point.

[25yearsmlc]

so Accuray

are you saying you'd never ask a woman you're dating, why they divorced?

I understand your point about not making the divorce "THE TOPIC" too. It's so not fun.

And it's early on in this process. Right now I'm enjoying the company of men. That's enough for now, but I look forward to it growing.

[Accuray]

are you saying you'd never ask a woman you're dating, why they divorced?

I guess what I'm saying is that when I was recently divorced and just starting to date, asking about divorce came very early in the conversation. Part of that, to your point, was seeing who they blamed and how they thought about things, and part of it was wanting to share my own story because it was cathartic to do so.

Eventually, however, it was no longer cathartic and didn't really inform how I was living or thinking about things any more, so it was just less relevant.

I'm not saying I would never ask now, it's important to understand your partner's past and hear their full narrative, but it wouldn't come as early in the relationship and it wouldn't be as significant a factor in understanding the whole person.

For instance I was dating a woman who said her son got caught smoking in high school and had to pay a $5 fine. He paid the fine all in pennies, and she thought that was funny and supported him doing it. That was really not compatible with how I parent, so that combined with other things influenced me to stop dating her, whereas early on the divorce narrative was "the thing" if that makes sense.

Acc

[25yearsmlc]

are you saying you'd never ask a woman you're dating, why they divorced?

I guess what I'm saying is that when I was recently divorced and just starting to date, asking about divorce came very early in the conversation. Part of that, to your point, was seeing who they blamed and how they thought about things,

^^^yes. And I think even when I'm really detached, when i only feel pity or indifference for h,

I think I'll still want to know how the man I date, sees their role in their past.

thoughts?


and part of it was wanting to share my own story because it was cathartic to do so.


hmm. So far, I discuss my h and marriage b/c I am asked by men I meet. And the questions I get are more about "how can your h be so crazy?" type of questions. They mean the question to be flattering.

It troubles me in a way.


Eventually, however, it was no longer cathartic and didn't really inform how I was living or thinking about things any more, so it was just less relevant.


except for the triggers I assume will exist (like a low tolerance for lying), I can see it becoming less & less of an issue in my life.

As goofy as this sounds, I want a timeline goal for myself. Like "By X date, I want h to no longer matter so much", etc
\
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I'm not saying I would never ask now, it's important to understand your partner's past and hear their full narrative, but it wouldn't come as early in the relationship and it wouldn't be as significant a factor in understanding the whole person.


okay I hear you. I mean that. Question -

while I'm in total agreement about needing to hear their past/narrative at some point.
For ME, at this stage

I kind of want the discussion early enough so I don't invest much in a man who lacks self awareness.

Why bother waiting if it's kind of a deal breaker for me?


For instance I was dating a woman who said her son got caught smoking in high school and had to pay a $5 fine. He paid the fine all in pennies, and she thought that was funny and supported him doing it. That was really not compatible with how I parent, so that combined with other things influenced me to stop dating her, whereas early on the divorce narrative was "the thing" if that makes sense.

Acc

It makes total sense you could not see her again - though I wonder if she was trying it out on you? Needed feedback?

On a semi related note - An old high school BF of mine discussed his mother's hip replacement surgery.

Shared with me that her doctor said he'd overcharge Medicare and they could split the difference. WTF?

I wonder if he told me this b/c my h is a doctor, but it's so anathema to my values, it still surprises me he'd tell ME.

He's married but FTR, i would never date him now.

Kind of bugs me that he told me. Feels insulting.

[Jim1234]

25, You seem to have it pretty well together. You're bright and articulate, you seem confident (which is very attractive, whether you're a man or woman), you're a lawyer, you mention being fairly attractive, you seem interesting, you've seen some of the world.... I'm pretty sure you'll find men clamoring to date you. So if someone piques your interest, go for it. "Kiss" a lot of frogs. The worst that can happen is you date a lot of frogs, but a few of them might be princes. You're not marrying them, you're just having drinks or dinner or whatever.

Understanding what you are looking for will save you a lot of time on people who don't want the same thing. I'm sure you understand lots of guys are just looking for sex, many are just looking to date, and others are looking for long term relationships. Personally, I'd stay away from the last group for a while.

Like you mentioned to me, it's not a linear process, so I suspect you will have months where you are happy to have five dates a week, but other months where you don't want to date at all. That's normal.

Of course, what do I know. I wish you the best out there!

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=25yearsmlc]I would rather be alone than wishing I was.

Wow. That's a powerful statement. [/quote

I have pondered this^^ more since you commented. And it's true. I'm more than okay alone for now. Never lived alone in my life (other than a week now & then, but time alone while family is away, is very different from living alone).

Anyhow, just saying that we all need to remember this. Settling for someone who is not right for us, or who does not treat us well,

is a lousy way to spend our lives. Not to mention what we model for our kids by sticking around for it.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Jim1234]25, You seem to have it pretty well together. You're bright and articulate, you seem confident (which is very attractive, whether you're a man or woman), you're a lawyer, you mention being fairly attractive, you seem interesting, you've seen some of the world....

thanks. Did I "mention being fairly attractive"? I can't believe I'd say that.

Should have mentioned "being a stunner"...



I'm pretty sure you'll find men clamoring to date you. So if someone piques your interest, go for it. "Kiss" a lot of frogs. The worst that can happen is you date a lot of frogs, but a few of them might be princes.



well the worst that can happen is wasting my precious time with frogs. Life is short.

And I don't want to hurt OMs. But when you think about it, dating is all about rejection - us rejecting others & us being rejected. I read somewhere that "you could be with a guy/woman who looks like a boiled potato, and they may reject you!"

And it's true.

Of course it only takes one to make it all worth it.

There are 2 guys in my life at the moment. "G" is a guy I once dated before h, LONG ago. We went to high school together. He's a veteran as am I. And he's an entrepreneur.
He's kind & smart, and we are comfortable with each other. But I'm not attracted to him - (at least not yet.) Plus he says things like "well at our age..."


OMG stop! How can that ^^^sentence end well? "...well At our age...." at our age, WHAT?

(Maybe if he'd say "at our age, the sex is great and I have too much money and free time!"???? ) He says a lot about 'not wanting drama" and frankly, I'm not sure what that means. Is it code for No needs allowed?

So his attitude about aging is a problem for me. I Understand that His parents both died young, but mine didn't. I don't believe I'm 2 years from a wheelchair. There's longevity in my family.


The other guy is "M" and I'm taking it slow with him, b/c i can imagine a r with him. He matters.

also By definition if we are on this site, we are used to being in a couple. And our egos are deeply, badly bruised. So it is wise to tread carefully.

G is patient b/c he knows I'm new to the single world. He will make a good partner to someone, but I'm not sure it's me.

I am very attracted to M, and he is smart and has depth. He went to MIT , plays music AND he read all of CS Lewis's books. WHAT???

He is smart, and has lots of liberal artsy interests! I like M enough that I want to be careful in proceeding. So I might be about to hurt G.

Sheesh.

[Lovelyp]

25, You seem to have it pretty well together. You're bright and articulate, you seem confident (which is very attractive, whether you're a man or woman), you're a lawyer, you mention being fairly attractive, you seem interesting, you've seen some of the world....

I agree with Jim. 25 you are an amazing lady. Your posts reflects that you are warm, kind, loving, intelligence. You make a great lawyer and I think even though you were not practising you will easily catch up and rise through ranks. I love your personality.


I think of the 2 men I agree that G sounds boring and "too old" for his age. Who always starts a sentence like that? I wouldnt want anyone always making reference to my age because that puts a lot of "limitations" on me.
M sounds like a great guy. I pray that everything works for the best for you. I will be following to hear how things go.