I picked up the DB book about a week ago and I have started to read it. I'm not sure if its too late for me though.
Been married to H for 3 years, together for 6. A couple weeks ago he told me he wants to date other people and isn't sure if he wants to be married to me anymore. He loves me but not that way. Fast forward to last week when he started going on dating sites, and hooking up sites. He told me its over, he wants to separate and divorce. I was heartbroken, he didn't want to go to counsellors he just wants out. So we still live in the same house, we sleep in separate rooms, we watch tv together, take turns doing dishes and cooking. Honestly like a marriage except not too much affection. I was giving him too much and he said I was being too needy. I stopped and this morning I received a hug and kiss before he went to work. Ive stopped talking about divorce and separating and he hasn't brought it up since Monday. We don't really argue and I don't text him anymore but he still will text me during the day. He is on chat/dating sites but so far hasn't met anyone in person just talking. He hasn't talked about it at all and in fact today he hasn't done much. Im praying if I continue to read DB and follow the steps and work on the part that he wants (better sex) then maybe he will loose interest in dating and realize that what he has here is actually better. Has anyone had success with a similar issue? Is it too late since he's already talking about divorce and going on chat sites?
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Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I have been trying to detach. We still live in the same house and its quite small so sometimes its hard to ignore him. But I have been focusing on myself more - exercising once (sometimes twice) a day whereas before it would be a challenge to even exercise a few times a week. I like writing so I have been doing that more. The hardest part, that makes me so upset is when I hear his phone ding and I know its a women he's chatting or sexting. I try really, really hard to ignore it and I go into another room so he doesn't think it bothers me. I really hope detaching works - its only been about 4 days of trying this. I do not text him during the day except if he texts first and just answer what question he asks. I know I should go out more with family and friends but we are both introverts and like our space after work. Any more tips. I really hope this isn't a lost cause. I guess in worst case - Ive learned more about myself and this technique helps me to move on and be more confident in myself
so sorry for what you are going throuh. I do not think it is too late. You are doing well by starting to detach. I feel you should try to minimise being in the same room. I am like you GAL is very difficult but I can watch and read my bible and pray more in a different room to avoid initiatin conversations since I used to do that a lot. Since you did not normally o out, oin out will really send a message that he miht loose you so maybe you can try to gather courage and go. I am also trying that too.
I also think this is the best time to start to reflect on all his complaints over the years. Other than sex, what other issues did he complain about?
M 11 Dated for 4 years before then Me 35 H 39 D 10 BD Feb 2016 A 2015 Dec I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
Hi Jane I agree I don't think it is too late at all.
Even if you just go to your parents or a friends house on an evening or go for a drive walk. Anything so you don't have to spend time with him, and hear his phone binging will make him wonder. If he asks where you are going just say out, be pleasant but don't give details. He wants to live separate lives so you go and do the same.
Not sure if you have DR book but I find that one really good.
Stay strong SJ
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
I picked up the DB book about a week ago and I have started to read it. I'm not sure if its too late for me though.
It's never too late until you decide it's too late.
Originally Posted By: jane1
So we still live in the same house, we sleep in separate rooms, we watch tv together, take turns doing dishes and cooking.
So the only thing that is different between now and before is that he is on dating/chat sites and youre sleeping apart? That sounds like some major cake-eating for him to me. He gets a wife when he wants one and can go out and act single when he wants? How can you change that dynamic? In my mind, thats by going out and GAL. I dont mean go hang out in bars looking for dudes - join a club, meet some people and make some new friends. Try some hobbies that you never got around to. Go eat in places you always wanted to try. Now is a great time to figure out what you like and to DO IT.
Originally Posted By: jane1
Honestly like a marriage except not too much affection. I was giving him too much and he said I was being too needy.
You were giving him too much before or just recently? Im assuming this is just recently. If so, then I agree you need to stop it. Pursuing him is the last thing he wants right now - it's oinly reminding him further of his desire to get out. Let him do his own thing. Youre going to be too busy on your own stuff!
If it WAS from before, then maybe now is a good time to also add the 5 Love Languages to your reading pile. How does your H receive love? How about you? How do you give love? How does he? These are good reflective questions for you going forward I think.
Originally Posted By: jane1
Im praying if I continue to read DB and follow the steps and work on the part that he wants (better sex) then maybe he will loose interest in dating and realize that what he has here is actually better.
A couple things: 1) just because he says he hasnt met anyone doesnt mean he hasnt. It doesnt really matter either way for your situation. My point is that you should be very careful with your body - you dont want to get any diseases because he was stepping out.
2) Theres no easy way to say this, but if you try to compete sexually with any of the girls he meets on these sites, you will lose. You cant get him to come back to you by being awesome in bed. The allure of the unknown will always be greater than anything you can provide if he's already leaning that way.
3) The best way for him to realize what he is losing is to think he actually has a chance of losing you. You being better isnt going to get him to turn around; him realizing what he stands to lose by you taking away the safety net MIGHT. Thats why GAL is so important - him seeing you going on living an awesome life can only help.
Originally Posted By: jane1
Has anyone had success with a similar issue? Is it too late since he's already talking about divorce and going on chat sites?
Yes, theres many cases on this site. Please keep hope alive, keep posting and keep reading!
Thanks Lovelyn, I will try to go out more and spend more time in my room. Honestly for him sex (including my fitness level) and sometimes being too clingy were the biggest issues - I guess sometimes I complained too much maybe relying on him too much as a spouse and also as a friend who I can talk to/vent. Ive been trying to be positive around him when I talk to him now and not say anything negative.
Hi Jane I agree I don't think it is too late at all.
Even if you just go to your parents or a friends house on an evening or go for a drive walk. Anything so you don't have to spend time with him, and hear his phone binging will make him wonder. If he asks where you are going just say out, be pleasant but don't give details. He wants to live separate lives so you go and do the same.
Not sure if you have DR book but I find that one really good.
Stay strong SJ
Thanks SJW, my biggest problem is when I'm not home I'm wondering what he is up to and focused on it instead of enjoying time with family or friends. I don't want other women in my house and although we've discussed it and he said he wouldn't - I don't fully believe him so when I'm home its like I'm protecting my house - if that makes sense and I can focus on stuff I like doing on my own.
You were giving him too much before or just recently? Im assuming this is just recently. If so, then I agree you need to stop it. Pursuing him is the last thing he wants right now - it's oinly reminding him further of his desire to get out. Let him do his own thing. Youre going to be too busy on your own stuff!
Earlier in the week I did give him a hug and he said I was being too needy but the other day before going to work he came and gave me a hug and kiss but haven't had any more attention in that way since.
If it WAS from before, then maybe now is a good time to also add the 5 Love Languages to your reading pile. How does your H receive love? How about you? How do you give love? How does he? These are good reflective questions for you going forward I think.
I have read the 5 love languages many times and I tried to get H to read it too - but he doesn't quite understand the concept. His is physical touch (mainly sex) and mine is receiving gifts and physical touch too (but not so much focus on sex) His idea is that I have to make him happy first in order for him to want to make me happy which I believe is not the way its supposed to be. Plus he told me he doesn't believe in my love language and its a waste. Which makes me feel like crap.
Earlier in the week I did give him a hug and he said I was being too needy but the other day before going to work he came and gave me a hug and kiss but haven't had any more attention in that way since.
You wont ever get it quite right in his eyes. I would say its best to not initiate anything right now and focus instead on your life.
Originally Posted By: jane1
His idea is that I have to make him happy first in order for him to want to make me happy which I believe is not the way its supposed to be.
No. It is not your job to 'make him happy'. And its certainly an unreasonable expectation that you make him happy enough to him to want to make you happy.
That said, it's your job right now to take care of yourself and figure out what makes you happy separate from H.
