Yes, I am feeling better. I try not to resist the crying when it comes on (unless I'm in public), but I am happy that it has lessened. Now that I've lost the weight, I can't be too upset at it and keeping it off by going to the gym, provides a great distraction and activity in the evenings.
Peeking at FB is tempting, but I know far less outweighs, being blind to what he's doing and his "happy" life. Can't say I'll never look, but I am really trying my best not to do it.
I am also happy that SIL is reaching out. She's having a really hard time with what her brother his doing. Part of it is that she never thought he was capable of being a cheater/abandoner and the other half, I think, she feels her mother would be so upset if she was still alive. My MIL, was a dream MIL. Just a genuinely nice person, but she was also supportive to me when she saw H doing things that were wrong. It didn't matter if he was her son. I appreciated that because I know that's hard to do.
As we approach the holidays, I'm going to continue trying to keep busy. Being alone for the holidays is sad, but not overwhelmingly so, so I'm just going to try to make the best of things. Ask me in a few days and I might think differently, but that's where I'm at right now. S is coming home today for Thanksgiving and I am really excited to see him. I have some fun things planned for us.
Hope you both have a great Friday!
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
Update: Thankfully life has been very busy and I haven't been able to get to the boards in a while or wallow in my misery... as much. It's been over a month since I have looked at his FB page (small wins), which is the only way I have a clue into his life, but also a huge source of hurt for me. That has helped immensely. Pretending he doesn't exist and just moving forward gets me through the day. I survived Thanksgiving pretty well, only 1 short cry that day, but overall I enjoyed myself. However, the unfortunate part of pretending he doesn't exist is that I feel I'm not dealing with things. Also that's because nothing is actually happening. I'm still 5 months out with the divorce filed but I haven't been served. I'm still not there yet either. I am not at the point where I'm ready to make the move to file either.
This past weekend I decided to get out of the house, run some errands and do some Xmas shopping. I had also thought about going to church as well, since it's been awhile. As I was finishing up at one store, my SIL texted to invite me over to celebrate her husband's birthday. I was in the neighborhood and would stop by when I was done. I haven't seen anyone from that side, other than SIL and her husband, since BD and that included FIL. I get to her house & realize there were more people there than I anticipated and was feeling a little awkward. I knocked and no one heard, so I walk in and first enountered FIL. He greeted me with a hello and I hugged him, but could tell he didn't recognize me (his dementia). That saddened me. SIL greeted me warmly and went to show me her new step-grandaughter. Apparently, I was a surprise and she hadn't told anyone I was coming. It wasn't a big gathering but you know the first time you encounter people who have heard about your situation, it's uncomfortable. As I was looking at the baby, my SIL leaned over to tell me one of H's friends was there. I caught my breath and told her I didn't think it was a good idea I was there. She said, no, he's very mad at H. Surprising, because this was the same friend I reached out to when H left, said he was out of town and would call when he returned and never did. And when H acknowledge my text to his friend, H said friend said he had told me in the past our lack of intimacy was an issue, I never fixed it, so what did I expect (paraphrasing). I walked outside and boy was friend surprised. Friend's gf whom I had met once, hugged me and said she was so glad to see me and then friend proceeded to spill it on H and OW. They have met her. Friend's gf said she's a leech, she's clinging to H for dear life because she has nothing. She's a single mother and only works part-time. I knew this already and am also a single parent and unless you're independently wealthy, you're getting your $ from somewhere if it isn't a job. She has an ex who was supporting her and decided to stop once H came into her life. Told her to leave the apartment he was paying for, took the car back that he paid, any bills in his name were removed. H decided he needed to save her and find her (and him) a place to live, so he asked friend to allow them to stay in his converted garage until they could get an apt. Friend said they stayed 2 months and promised rent. H was late or would avoid him when he didn't have the $. Friend's gf said they/she never left the room. They would invite them to watch baseball (H loves), sit in the back & have a drink, and because she wouldn't, he wouldn't. H has always been a pot smoker, not something that interested me, but OW is right on board with that. Friend said they probably do it right in front of OW's daughter because there was nowhere else to do it when they lived in that room. They ended up staying w/ friend longer than a couple of weeks because neither could get approval for a new apt. Friend said they could tell OW has $ in her eyes. H comes from a good family and my FIL has a beautiful house, H has a well-paying, stable job. She sees the potential.
When friend recounted what H had told him about our R, he of course rewrote history. Said it had been 3 years since we had sex! Made it seem like he asked all the time and I denied him. Said we went to counseling for it and it didn't work. None of this is true and it's sad and disgusting that he's using this as his main excuse to others. Friend even said, if it was true, what kind of husband leaves their wife just for that?! SIL also admitted that H has been asking FIL for $ to pay our mortgage and to repair his car. I wondered how he was surviving paying our mortgage, rent and other life expenses. H also told friend he's been trying to serve me, but he's been unsuccessful because I'm "hiding". Imagine that?! I was probably locked away in my house for 3 months, only leaving to go to work and the gym after work or run errands. I was home at least 75% of the time outside of work. He could have done service by mail. Such BS.
I was happy to correct some of those blatant lies. I felt some relief when they confirmed my suspicions about OW. With that being said, I couldn't help but feel sad for where he is at in life. I don't claim to be an angel and definitely enjoy life, like to have fun, but I try to make good life choices and be an example of a strong woman for my son. Friend said H just wants the party lifestyle and OW doesn't stop him or also participates. I agree somewhat, but believe it's a bit deeper than that. I believe H has always felt like he wasn't living up to FIL's expectations, running around and getting into trouble as a teenager, not wanting to go to college. Finally in his mid to late-twenties, he got a stable job and became more consistent. In his early-thirties, met me. SIL says I was the opposite of many of his ex's and MIL was happy. I was "normal" and stable, but I wasn't the same kind of "fun" the other's were. I'm not saying H was trying to have that same kind of fun, but for instance, when I wanted us to be more pracitcal and measured with $ or thoughtful when it came to decisions about our home, I wasn't "fun". In fact, as far as he was concerned, I was critical - just like FIL.
Midway through the party, my SIL came up to me and said FIL remembers you. He came oustide, told me he has "the dementia" and proceeded to chatter away about what he's been up to. My SIL was going to call an Uber to take him home and he asked if I could. I said sure, and SIL said no, we can call an Uber. FIL, said no, she said she can take me home and so I did. That really made me happy.
Among other things, these revelations are making me question our marriage completely. I was happy (mostly), thought he was responsible (mostly). Maybe he wasn't happy becuase this wasn't the life he really wanted? Maybe he resented being responsible? This is a lot to process; thankfully I see my IC tomorrow.
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
Sound like you did well and got some confirmations The Mlcer does seem to pick the troubled woman who needs rescuing maybe it makes them feel better about themselves
My XH said he met his "equal" in his OW she "got" and understood him and looked up to him and I guess I was a nag and probably wanted to change him
Anyway it didn't last b/c they are D now and unfortunately your H will figure it out in his own time
they do rewrite the history and lie a lot
keep moving forward and taking care of yourself In time you will be more OK with it all
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
According to my stbx she was pretending to be stable and responsible for 20+ years and just couldn’t do it anymore. Truth or re writing history? I don’t know but as the folks here have said...does it really matter?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
In the end it doesn't really matter, because what's going to happen is going to happen.
It WAS a lot to process, then Tuesday comes and you've got something new. I was finally served yesterday, at work no less. I am insanely private and have only told two good friends at work what is going on. Mid-afternoon, the nosy receptionist comes to my desk, stand next to me and whispers that some is downstairs at security with a summons for me. I held my breath for a second, brought myself back to present and said ok, thanks. Mortified and can't wait to hear that she's told others about this. I went down to the lobby and I asked the process server if that was for me. He confirmed my name, handed it to me and that was it. It wasn't even in an envelope and looked like it had been in someone's backseat for months. The filing was pathetic and the absolute bare minimum effort H could put into it. Of course! One of the forms even said we have minor children and he literally filed 6 days after he left.
I got through work and didn't cry until I got to my car. I am so thankful this didn't happen right after he filed. I don't think I would have held up as well as I did. It still hurts and is a big dose of reality slammed in my face. This thing is really moving forward and there's nothing I can do. So, yup Gordie, truth/rewriting history... doesn't really matter.
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
I remember the night someone came to my home unannounced to serve me its kind of a crappy thing that some paid stranger hand delivers such painful news hang in there I can say that post D was a real relief it was over,,,didn't have to think about it anymore didn't have to fear it you will be ok
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Agree re being served. I hated every second of it and felt humiliated, embarrassed and very, very angry. I am not the sort of person who gets served summonses. I try to do the right thing, in my private life and public, and to be named as respondent on those papers made me feel so bad.
I doubt I will ever forgive that. Well....I doubt I'll ever forgive anything. I like bttrfly's idea of 'fierce compassion' - it's going to take something like that to deal with the anger I feel towards XH for making me out to be the one who smashed our family up.
Peacetoday is right though. Now that it's done, it can't be undone. The other shoe has dropped. He has done one of the worst things he could've done - which takes out a very large gun from his armoury. When these people run out of ammunition they might actually have a moment to stop and think things through, and that's when I expect they'll figure out they are best off giving up trying to hurt us.
I always feel badly for those who are served. It's just not a good thing to have happen and more importantly at work or around the holidays.
My former h had his lawyer send me the papers in the mail. I received them several days after Christmas and she used 1 cent stamps versus putting a regular stamp on the envelope. I thought that it was a tacky way of doing business and I laugh about it now.
Let's pray that these fools wake up and come to realize that they are the ones that wrecked their relations w/their families.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
peace, You wrote it exactly, I have such fear of the D process and anxiety anticipating and thinking about it. It's not surprising, but I just don't know why it is fear. I feel so much more fearful of things I had never considered before. It's not fear of dying, getting sick, getting robbed, typical stuff. It's fear of this D. Fear of going back to my home alone. I can live in a new home alone, just not the one we bought together. Such an odd realization.
devvo, It was humiliating. As peace said, to allow a stranger to deliver this blow served up by someone you thought was your best friend and family, is hard to wrap your brain around. I understand D is difficult, but the way most MLCer handle it, in the worst way, to exact the most pain. Was it necessary to serve me at work and during the holidays? I get he claimed I was hiding, but really was that necessary?! All of it felt very vindictive. I hope you're right devvo and he soon runs out of this ammunition. I doubt it, considering he still has to see my response to the D. He won't like me asking/getting anything he doesn't feel I should have.
job, I obviously knew I was going to be served at some point. I had just hoped he'd finally just send it by mail. His L did when notifying me he had been retained. That was over a month ago, in reverse order. Notify me of L, then serve me... ridiculous. Funny, he used to send me flowers to work. Never thought he'd send D paperwork there too.
I do pray this fool wakes up at some point and has this realization, before all of the damage is irreperable. I don't think I'll be around to see it either way, but that's how much I still love the old him. I don't want this to affect his life forever. How much he's changed in such a short period of time. Again I shake my head.
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
