A fresh start? (probably not!)

[CW2017]

Hi Artista
Must have missed your most welcome update request as there's been some awesome stuff on here of late. I had decided not to post anything until something major had changed as I do tend to "journal" about the tiniest of minutiae!! As can be seen from my tag I am in self-imposed limbo. We are getting on just great and are still "fully intimate" although I have always accepted all such things can occur within cake eating! In essence I exist within Sandi "detached observational mode" and feel strong this way. When the IC discharged me she said I was indeed stronger than I thought and should be able to handle any lingering sitch for D's sake. She has her first communion approaching and is really into the whole thing. So if a final chapter is indeed approaching I will hopefully be ready for it. I am just appearing to be the good/strong guy without overnicing things. But the fact remains she works with the OM and does not want to leave her job (at least at the time of the confrontation last year l). She had a landmark birthday last week and it has not gone unnoticed that only one signature on her work card had a "x" after it.

Take care

[artista]

She had a landmark birthday last week and it has not gone unnoticed that only one signature on her work card had a "x" after it.

seriously? how is that okay with any of the THREE of you???!!! CW2017--that pi$$es me off!!! my thoughts are: OM--what a f@ck3r! WW--what a b1+ch! YOU--too nice!!!

mis dos centavos, and i am sorry if i have offended you with my thoughts...

--artista

[Vanilla]

She had a landmark birthday last week and it has not gone unnoticed that only one signature on her work card had a "x" after it.

seriously? how is that okay with any of the THREE of you???!!! CW2017--that pi$$es me off!!! my thoughts are: OM--what a f@ck3r! WW--what a b1+ch! YOU--too nice!!!

mis dos centavos, and i am sorry if i have offended you with my thoughts...

--artista

Can I add scumbag grot featured toe ragging snot bucket (OM)

Triangulation smug (WW)

Terrific dad but NG (you)

V

[CW2017]

Yes, yes and yes! The sad thing at the moment is that I seem to have stopped caring (that could change of course) have to say mindfulness techniques are great BTW

[CW2017]

Hi all
a bit more more meat to report for once (instead of my usual witterings!) and I would really appreciate some feedback on strategies in going forward from you great people. Clearly there is a time gap with the UK here but if this thread is considered to be a goer for people seeking a "smoking gun" for confrontation, filing, or whatever, that would be marvellous. I hope this post doesn't come across as a mass of contradictions. Have been doing a lot of thinking recently and I have realised how similar Steve85 's sitch is to my own although I am I guess a year further down the road.

Finding it all to be such a dilemna although this may appear more clearcut to others. I guess I will now have to instigate a crisis, based on the following recent events:
(a) the discovery of evidence of usage of erotic lingerie which I am highly unlikely to ever benefit from seeing (due to the accidental nature of its discovery this would not be suitable for a confrontation).
(b) so on the day in question I examined the car dashcam and, surprise, surprise, no data recorded for that day.
(c) so I then examine (in a quiet moment and at an appropriate time) her maps timeline. This could be a massive coincidence (hmm) as this software is notorious for missing routes if the GPS resolution isn't set high enough but the only route lodged for that day was a single trip to here from the branch of a well known hotel chain. There were definitely diversions on her motorway home commute that day and the reroute would have taken her past that hotel where a major phone mast exits but....com'on. But if the hotel isn't what it seems to be I would be highly surprised if it's not full PA after all this time.

I am, however, reluctant to do anything just yet as we have the big family event of my daughter's first communion coming up plus we are due to go away for a week for the Spring half term week with family friends. I can certainly string this along and play the role of a model husband for as long as needs be, on a tactical basis (my IC certainly thinks I am strong enough for this). I certainly don't feel as dumbstruck by these new revelations as I might have been a year ago. Nevertheless it will still feel absolutely awful to pull the plug should the need arise.

Although I care (worry) a lot less about the sitch and what my wife is getting up to per se as it is course out of my hands ("detaching" to the extent of not phone snooping since last June) I am still lamenting what has happened to our relationship and "best friendship" after nearly 28 years. If you could see us together it would not make sense at all (a family member commented on our closeness over Easter). As stated in other threads I will likely never understand that, while she may have no respect for me after all this time, she can also have no respect for her family unit. Never. We are so tuned to each other these days and I certainly know when she is being manipulative so, at least the bulk of the time, she is definitely genuine (and we are fully intimate but, yeah, I know...). The way she looks at me when we hold each other, especially since we thrashed it out last year. I just don't get it. So she is either schizophrenic in that sense or is an Oscar worthy cake eating actor (I can only hope, if it is something like the former, deep down she doesn't detest me on a certain level as that is something awful to contemplate). Strangely enough I decided to start dating her in the first place because she seemed safe and possibly, dare I say, boring, compared with my previous major relationship where that particular person was definitely at the schizophrenic end of the spectrum. How ironic if she is now "bored" with her life. Have been thinking a lot also about Hoosjim's thread because I have been reexamining the past and I wouldn't be surprised if she was hard wired wayward because of her upbringing as there have been a lot of gray areas in the way she has interacted with the opposite sex previously. So if that's the case then there's a possibility of the existence of an OM production line over the years (although I have no way of knowing or proving this). Judging from when I used to phone snoop a year ago there is a huge element of lust involved here so any predatory side to the character could be a long standing latent one.

So I guess I will wait for a much better smoking gun and then tell her I am filing. She has always known that the next confrontation will be of the three strikes and she's out variety. Yet I would still ideally like to take her to the brink of divorce enough to burst her bubble, I really do. My staunch Catholic faith requires at the very least an option for forgiveness. Needless to say this time around she would definitely have to leave her job and cut contact with him. My concern, however, is that she is deeply in love still and, as Artista has intimated, I appear to pale in comparison. I know I can't "beat" the POS at the moment but that's never the point, is it?

Ultimately, though, it really is a question of practicalities. Firstly, the frail, elderly live in mother-in-law (MIL). She is still, unfortunately, a pocket battleship and in a way still rules her daughter with an iron fist (her control in the teenage years has clearly laid the ground for all this behaviour). Due to the family being Mediterranean in background, once the info is out there, it's out there and the MIL and the rest of the family will never, ever, let it go so in that respect I could not see a way back for the MR. At the same time I don't think filing on the quiet would work as the dynamics in the household would be tangible. So in that respect I would really have my work cut out as it will be hard enough without any external, persistent, interference. Secondly, and the main consideration. If we end up splitting, sell the house and take half each that would come nowhere near property prices in London and we would have to remain near my daughter's school so I really have no idea how to work that one (yet).

thank you for listening!

[artista]

As you likely know, I think you have waited waaayyyy too long... And there always seems to be a special event that keeps you from revealing that "you know." You are protecting her from her consequences...

Do you think she will end up with OM? Is he willing to leave his wife for her? When my H confronted me he didn't tell me everything he knew or how he knew. He sent me a text from work one morning... It said, "Check your email." I thought it was weird. Normally we would talk on the phone every morning while he was at work. That morning I had called a few times but he wouldn't answer. That was odd. So I read the text and went to check my email on my desktop... There was an email from him with the subject line: I KNOW.

My heart dropped, and I was shaking... I read the first line and did a full-on freak out just like hoosjim's wife... Even though I didn't have details of what exactly he knew, I knew he knew...

You are waiting too long...

--artista

[neffer]

Hi CW. Sorry for the evidence you found. It does not look good...

I´m a survivor from the dark side, like artista...just read carefully what she wrote.

[CW2017]

Thank you all. Artista I have always taken on board your great advice but on this occasion I really want to hold back until first communion as there is family coming to stay etc. I have had no problem with confronting previously. I see analogies with your own sitch in that she wants both setups. She said last year he would not be leaving his wife (he has a lot to lose including a ginormous house). Unless there is some sort of dastardly plan in place I also refer back to our first confrontation when she said she would never leave me. Any views on the "practicalities" of my sitch?

[SteveLW]

Hey CW, just found your thread. I see the mention to being similar to my sitch so I went back and perused your older thread. And I too see the similarities. But I do see 2 big differences:

1) My wife went LOOKING for OM, it appears your wife got pursued by the OM.
2) My wife's EA was long distance with no chance of going physical (anytime soon anyway), while your wife's initial EA was with someone she was physically close to.

CW, I see you say at this point you don't care, yet you are still checking GPS locations, etc. I can tell you that that is caring. Now maybe you've moved on to caring to the point you want to know enough to cement your decision to move forward with D, or maybe you are still in the "hoping I find nothing and we can start moving on" mindset. Only you know that for sure. But I would argue that some part of you still cares if you are doing any snooping whatsoever.

I may have missed it, but are you two still in MC? Did she do any of the work outside of MC? There is usually homework with MC, was she willing to do any of it?

[SteveLW]

(a) the discovery of evidence of usage of erotic lingerie which I am highly unlikely to ever benefit from seeing (due to the accidental nature of its discovery this would not be suitable for a confrontation).

CW, you are WAYYYYYYYYYY too nice (a common theme throughout your two threads). My guess is you have a serious case of Nice Guy Syndrome. I don't care if a little bird came and sat in your shoulder and whispered this to you, you have every right to confront her on something like this especially considering your history.

Let me give you some outstanding advice a friend of mine gave me when I discovered my wife's online, very public, dating profile back in January. When you confront her about this latest evidence do not do it apologetically. Why or how you found out is not important! What is important is her behavior. Period. Also do not do in a whiny, poor me, I am so sad, why would you do this to us way. Do it angrily (but controlled). Do it from a position of strength. Do it from a "I have put up with enough garbage for over a year and I am not putting up with this!" attitude.

Let me tell you, I really think that the incident with my wife and her online dating profile had a huge impact on how things proceeded from that point forward. The way that I did it was when I got home that evening, I asked, sternly, to talk to her in our bedroom. I then closed the door and sternly said: "I found your -name of service- dating profile today. If you have a shred of respect for me, and if you care about your daughter AT ALL, you will take that down. You used a picture, and anybody, including your daughter and any of her friends, let alone anyone that knows us, could find that profile at anytime. That is unacceptable. After we have a discussion with our daughter you can do whatever you want. There will be consequences for those actions, like you needing another place to live, but until we've sat her down and told her what is going on you need to be respectful of me and our marriage!"

Again, I was stern, she could see I was angry, but I remained controlled but firm.

Her reaction was like a deer in the headlights! She was submissive. She tried to "state her case" and I said that didn't matter. The why was irrelevant that it was unacceptable for our daughter to find out about her parents splitting up by having someone she knows ask her why her married mother was on a dating site.

I also gave her a choice: She could leave it up and we could go talk to our daughter right then. Or she could take it down, and any others she might have started, until after we had this discussion.

I even told her once our daughter knew, then we could let everyone else know, and she could start taking out billboards advertising her availability for all I cared (remember I was trying detach at this time as well).

It was the first time since bomb day, about a month in, that I felt like I had a backbone.