Lost in Austin - Possible WAW

[JDub]

Joseph9 - Her parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary before her mom died last year. She genuinely has no idea of the anguish in store for everyone if this proceeds.

"We will be the best co-parents ever" - LOL, thanks for that. I remain shocked that some women are willing to put their kids (and future grandkids) in harm's way with such disregard for the facts. Personally, I'm trying to make sure that the crap my parents dished out stops with me. I'm guessing you are in the same boat.

[JDub]

Her Dad is going to temporarily move out of their house (50+ years) and into a retirement community for a month. W is going out there for a week in Sept. to help. She's also going to Spain in October for a week with a bunch of college friends.

Before the lunchtime meltdown, she asked if I minded that she's going to see him for a whole week. I told her that given my work situation, a week at a time for two months in a row is a lot to put on me, with two teenagers and their activities. So, if she could shorten the trip to see Dad, it would make it easier on me.

She talked to him tonight - he's really happy she's going there, and she wants to talk with me about "what we talked about at lunch." I'll talk to her about the trip but don't want to talk more about D and have her erupt again. Not sure how to handle other than avoid it. I don't see anything in Sandi's rules to address when S wants to talk but LBH doesn't.

[sandi2]

The thing I'm struggling with the most is our kids...they aren't privvy to any of this, and although I want to GAL and detach, I want to be there for them, and I'm not sure how to balance it all.

Okay, I will try to say this carefully, b/c I don't want you, or anyone, to take offense at my words. Let's just say I have seen soooo many newcomer LBH's who became extremely sensitive to their children. It makes sense to me why they would, especially under these circumstances. What I urge you to do is be very careful that you don't use your children as a crutch or excuse to not GAL, detach, and perhaps other advice about DBing. You are very stressed and your emotions want you to hold very tightly to your family. That's understandable. You want to protect your kids, be the father of the century, and the whole nine yards. There is nothing wrong with that ^^^^. However, it becomes a crutch when the man says he wants to be home every night b/c of the kids. He says he can't detach or do this or that b/c of the kids. That's what I mean by an excuse or a crutch. There have even been some men who denied it up & down.......but then came back later to admit it is was true...and to say they didn't see it, initially. It's hard to see in our own situations, and as you said.....know how to balance.. Therefore, take this FWIW.

I want to think that's where her fog will be lifted...if this ever gets to the point where we talk to the kids, they will shatter her visions of how "fine" they will be. She has no idea, but I do, because I've lived it.

I'm sorry, but it won't happen when she has to tell the kids. In fact, the WW is usually in a hurry to tell them, but even if she isn't......it will not phase the "fog". Her mindset has totally changed, and unfortunately, it will not make her the mother of the year. You say you have lived it. However, don't you mean you experienced it as a child when your parents split? Your point of view is from the child.......not the WW.

Don't get hung up on "the fog". B/c it will keep you expecting something to shock her out of the fog,........and that expectation will prevent you from doing what you need to do right now. It will wear you out, just constantly looking around the next corner, hoping the next thing will do the trick. When it fails to change her, your let down begins to take a toll. I don't think I've ever seen a man guess, correctly, what will shake his W out of her fog. It's a complete waste of time. In the first place, he'd have to understand how her wayward mindset works, which not many inexperienced H's get it......and why should they? I have tried to shed light on the WW mindset in several threads........if you want to read them.

Yes. I've seen this live and in action. But when I step away, the response seems to be "see, I was right, he's an a$$hole and is not available, so I'm justified in getting out."

If she says one word about you not being available, just say, "I am trying to respect your wishes for space". Better yet, just say, "I need my space". Trust me, right now it is much better to not be at her beck & call than being right in front of her every time she turns around. Make yourself scarce. She needs to wonder where you are and what you're doing......and who you are doing it with. Let me guess.......when she contacts you and ask what you're doing........you spill your guts. Right? Anything she asks, you don't hesitate to tell her. Well, that needs to change until she decides to change back into the W she use to be. Learn to give very vague answers. Don't ever lie..........just give vague answers that don't tell her what she really wants to know. Why? To create mystery and interest.

My gut tells me that the right thing to do is to be a beacon of light for the kids, and a strong rock for the family. But I can't tell if that's naive and the exact wrong thing to do.

Well, this is kind of an extension to what's previously been said about the children. Of course, be a good father to them. I just think it won't kill them if dad has some personal time away from the house (preferably when mom is left there to take care of the kids). I believe it is better to give up time at home with the kids, currently, in order to fight for the M you deserve.....and your kids deserve. Better to suffer a short period of time, rather than the rest of their years. I'm not saying to turn your back on them or never have activities with them. Use balance between their time and your personal GAL time. And sometime, they can mix together,

[joejoe1]

JDub,

I think every opportunity you get to have a conversation with your wife you should. In those moments you can gauge her attitude andjust be an ear. That let those moments pass you by.

[JDub]

What I urge you to do is be very careful that you don't use your children as a crutch or excuse to not GAL, detach, and perhaps other advice about DBing.

The kids aren't a crutch to me GAL. Went over to a friend's house tonight for a drink (unusual for me), I take business trips, etc. but I admit that it hasn't been there enough in the past. I do plan to do more for me. That feels really good. Definitely doesn't injure the kids to have me a way for a while. W has always encouraged it too.

She needs to wonder where you are and what you're doing......and who you are doing it with. Let me guess.......when she contacts you and ask what you're doing........you spill your guts. Right?

Well we are still living together and sleeping in the same bedroom (except for when I'm snoring), and she's been really easy to live with this weekend, so yes, I have told her where I'm going. If we were separated, I'd act differently. I do like the idea of creating some intrigue, but "dad of the year" doesn't just disappear.

I have tried to shed light on the WW mindset in several threads........if you want to read them.

I have read a bunch of them, that's actually what prodded me to join these boards! The thing that's not making sense to me is that after she "asked for" a D at lunch this week - she asks a lot and I haven't ever consented, now I'm done talking about it - is that she bought furniture for our house later that day, we had a really nice weekend kayaking, eating out, listening to podcasts, and other "together" activities that she initiated. No sex but very pleasant. Why would a WW wife do that? Seems to me that if you've decided you're done, and verbalized it, you're really done. I'm really struggling with the mixed messages.

BTW I haven't given any ILY's this weekend, no physical touch initiated by me, just creating space. That's hard to do too.

[woundedfool]

JDub,

I think every opportunity you get to have a conversation with your wife you should. In those moments you can gauge her attitude andjust be an ear. That let those moments pass you by.

Just to clarify for jdub (and joejoe1 feel free to correct me if I am not reading you correctly):

You should use an opportunity of a conversation to "just be an ear" as joejoe1 states by listening and validating her concerns. Its actually less of a conversation, and more of letting her vent.

But do NOT seek out those conversations. That will come off as trying to force R talks, and be clingy and create pressure on W.

[TBSakaJ9]

I have read a bunch of them, that's actually what prodded me

to join these boards! The thing that's not making sense to me is that after she "asked for" a D at lunch this week - she asks a lot and I haven't ever consented, now I'm done talking about it - is that she bought furniture for our house later that day, we had a really nice weekend kayaking, eating out, listening to podcasts, and other "together" activities that she initiated. No sex but very pleasant. Why would a WW wife do that? Seems to me that if you've decided you're done, and verbalized it, you're really done. I'm really struggling with the mixed messages

I am sorry you will never figure it out. She is probably scared and confused as well. After my W told me she wanted a D the first time she asked me to take her out to eat. After the second time we went boating together then out to a pool party with some friends and she was kissing me. You will never make sense of it so don't even try.

You just have to start doing what everyone else has suggested, GALing, 180's etc. Detaching is the hardest, I am almost 3 months into my separation I am not even close to being 100% detached. Really the only thing I am good at is not pursuing or talking about our R or D.

[JDub]

You will never make sense of it so don't even try.

This is the crux of my struggle with this whole development right now. What's the WW mindset?

I am finding ways to GAL, outside of my business and our kids.

[TBSakaJ9]

Read Sandi threads on it. If you don't have the links let me know. I can tell you from experience to just stop wondering and asking yourself why. I have had many sleepless nights and hours spent balling my eyes out and I still do not have the answer. She zigged and you zagged. Who knows. Just work on you and take the focus off of her.


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

[joejoe1]

Wonderfool,

You are exactly right. That's what I meant, if I confused things, my fault. Use the opportunity to listen, validate and be an ear. Try your hardest to not ask questions about the R or M. It will be hard, but if she sees that you can listen and not bring up the R or M, she might start letting her walls down and seek you out for convo.