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A Message from Michele
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KGirl - new life #3 #2757899
08/24/17 02:09 PM
08/24/17 02:09 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
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KGirl  Offline OP
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
Previous thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2670115&page=11

kml, you mentioned sunk cost! Yep, I am very familiar with this. I talk about it all of the time with my (college) students that I work with. I work in a STEM major and we're frequently having conversations where they realize sophomore or junior year that a science major is maybe not what they wanted, and they would be more successful in something else.. but they struggle with giving up because they "already took all these science courses and it would be a waste." So I tell them a story about having a car that you keep putting repairs into it, and more repairs, and more repairs, and eventually there will come a time where it's going to be more cost effective and better to just get a new car, but people find that hard to do because they already put so much time and effort into the old one. And then I say "I'm not saying your education is an old car! But if we can ignore the past and look at things from THIS point forward... wouldn't this new path result in you being happier? And it's actually the same or fewer amount of credits you need to take?"

So the moral of that story is I'm pretty bad at taking my own advice (including my other gems such as "we can't control what happens to us, but we can control how we deal with it" and "imagine five years from now. Do you think this will have a big impact on your life?" when someone is crying about getting a C in physics.) And in particular I have a really hard time giving up my sunk costs when things get to the point of sleeping with someone. Guys I went on 3 or 4 dates with that never got past the making out stage before I nope-ed outta there, don't get a second thought from me ever. Not sure how to resolve that without being extra cautious, or trying to be more casual about stuff (but I don't think I can force myself to do that).

I've really gotta pull myself up and out of this mopey-ness. Feeling more depressed than I should about all this and it's hard to be motivated to do chores, go to the gym, hang out with friends, etc. I guess it's probably a normal amount of break-up recovery time, it just got drawn out way longer than it should have so I'm really only just now this week feeling final about things.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: KGirl - new life #3 [Re: KGirl] #2758438
08/28/17 02:27 PM
08/28/17 02:27 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
Member
KGirl  Offline OP
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
Trying to be positive/focus on good things and exciting things.

Good things: I ordered a new bike and it's coming sometime this week - I haven't ridden a bike really since high school and my city is very bike-friendly so I'm looking forward to exploring, as long as I don't fall off. I didn't realize how much gear you all need for bikes! Pumps, lights, and more. I've finally gotten into Game of Thrones and will now know what everyone's talking about once I get caught up (plus binge watching TV for better or for worse is a good distraction). I've been working on this "unf*** your habitat" concept for lazy/unmotivated people to clean and do chores - going by the 20/10 minute idea (20 minutes of cleaning, 10 minutes of break - don't try and marathon it!) I have some fun plans for labor day weekend including a Brewers game and a cookout at a friend's house.

Still struggling with feeling like someone was better than nothing (especially with the long weekend and cookouts and things coming up), even though I know logically that's no good. And breakups in general tend to open up old wounds of abandonment and all of the divorce/XH stuff. The XBF has gone completely off the grid, deactivated facebook (big deal for us millenials!), so I guess it's really not about me and he has his own crap to figure out. And all of this is making it hard to be motivated at work with some big projects and meetings I need to plan. It's easy when I just have appointment after appointment of student meetings because that's just conversation, but not so easy to brainstorm and think of big picture stuff. I give myself until the end of this week for pity-partying and then it's time to be done.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: KGirl - new life #3 [Re: KGirl] #2761264
09/13/17 12:34 AM
09/13/17 12:34 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
Member
KGirl  Offline OP
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
I went back to my IC after.... over a year away, specifically to try and wrap my head around this "why am I always chasing/attracted to/stay with people who are unavailable/avoidant/no good for me/don't meet my criteria, even when I logically recognize they are no good for me??" I don't feel like she was particularly interested in addressing that, at least digging into the why. Very solution-focused, but I feel like I know exactly what I need to do, I just am choosing not to do it, (ignoring red flags, not sticking with my personal "rules" about who to engage with or not) and I want to try and find out WHY so hopefully I stop doing it. Instead we mostly talked about goals/things to do, which I feel like I already know. "get out of relationships that aren't serving you; stop doing all of the work and see what happens; when you see a red flag don't overlook it in favor of the positives; trust your intuition" etc. Yes, I know. I know I know I know all of these things. But still feel like I'm no closer to not doing them. I feel like I could just google stuff about wanting to be a fixer/saver, having low self-esteem, etc. and that's more insightful than IC!


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: KGirl - new life #3 [Re: KGirl] #2761534
09/14/17 03:58 AM
09/14/17 03:58 AM
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,727
D
doodler Offline
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doodler  Offline
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D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,727
Originally Posted By: KGirl
I feel like I could just google stuff about wanting to be a fixer/saver, having low self-esteem, etc. and that's more insightful than IC!


I think IC is a lot like sex; sometimes doing it yourself is pretty good, but if you have a good partner, it can be great. It's also possible that the metaphor doesn't really work. Actually, it's kind of creepy. I'll talk to my IC about that, or maybe I'll google myself.

Re: KGirl - new life #3 [Re: doodler] #2761552
09/14/17 04:50 AM
09/14/17 04:50 AM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,623
Midwest
D
DonH Offline
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DonH  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,623
Midwest
Why the need to know why? Will that really help you? And if so... Why? Your IC is likely looking at it this same way. It might be NICE to know why you are doing something but you NEED to know how to stop it. That's what IC is focused on. Think of it this way, if you were infected with Lymes disease it would be NICE to know how you got it - was it a tic? What you really need though is treatment to fix it. You may never know how you were infected but need to get it solved. It's the same here. You may never know why but the good thing is you don't have to - you just need to learn how to fix it. That's what IC is doing.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

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