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I had mixed feelings about it, but - not once did I think your h did not deserve this. God no. (And I did snort when I read it and might have whispered a quiet "Bravo!")
Anyhow, I'd be shocked if this well deserved metaphorical slap comes up in any court hearing, and if it did, imo it would not reflect poorly on her.
And it won't come up in mediation as it is not the job of a mediator to determine fault, just divide assets.
I'm usually all about not fueling the WASs rage/negative images of the LBS that are used to justify affairs or leaving. I'm very pro reconciliation when it's right. So I get wounded's point.
In THIS situation, however, T's h has already effectively left, announced to her that he is "DONE" ( about 4067 times) and he is actively AND Publicly pursuing other women, ( )
That is some serious boundary crossing and it's so IN her face, I feel as if it's too much to ask of anyone to turn the other cheek, again.
T's H wants to have AND eat huge slices of cake, (which is not helping him as a man, in the long term). Some of his boldest cake eating is when he thinks he is still "friends" with T's family (??)
H tells people HE "tried to work it out, but T is so - um, so um, uh, -sooooo untrusting!(??)
"AND she's suspicious - For NO REASON!!"
(If a stranger told me their clothes and crap was found in their car, along with a photo of them and AP attached, it would not even cross my mind that the LBS had behaved inappropriately. I would know immediately that the WAS deserved it -and this is so obvious to me, that I doubt her H will rage about it. At least not accurately)
He may lie or rage but that's on him.
Here are my person favorite suggestions for T's hubby's script (i.e. what he might say, which are all predictable and cliched):
"Me w/ OW?? NO I didn't. You're so paranoid/ it was an accident/ happened AFTER I said I wasn't happy/ didn't mean anything/ Stop distrusting me/ YOU MADE ME!"
his impression management as "Dad of the Year" at soccer -all while ignoring the same kids at home - letting T wake up 4 times a night AND work AND study AND raise the boys solo, again...while he goes out to, you know, FIND HIS happiness...and blame her for not making that happen...
This man is not concerned about doing the right thing; he's concerned about looking as if he is doing the right thing.
all in all, I thnk T has been remarkably restrained.
Remember, her stated goal now is Not saving the m - it's about saving her boys and herself.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
woundedfool, I just want to say thank you for reminding all of us of the wisdom of your words. While I don't think T should do this every time, in the face of all the lies to everyone about there being no one else and he was just an unhappy slob, this time I think was justified. He is playing superdad while failing to live up to his most important obligation to his children--honoring their mother and making a stable home for them.
In all sincerity though, I greatly respect and admire your reminder to turn the other cheek, to be the better person, and to live in dignity (and away from expensive litigation, which I also advocate and practice). My outrage at my H has been in postings here, in my head, and only very rarely in words to him and him alone and in private. My dignity is important to me.
Glad you took your balls back T, but do keep wounded's words close to you as you move forward.
Well I did it. I stuffed his truck full of 6 huge black heavy duty garbage bags of all his stuff every single thing - clothing, shoes, mail, magazines, drink cups, you name it it was in there. The only things left here is all his crap in the garage.
I packed it all in the truck and put the heaviest bag in the driver seat because the passenger side was up against a wall so just to make it difficult for him. I found a 'best dad ever' frame he or someone must have gotten him. I took the picture of the kids out and put the picture of him and OW making out. I placed he frame standing up on the dash of his truck. You can see it from a mile away. Pretty sure he's gonna sh!t himself. Locks are changed .... here we go
Oh and ginger - your H sounds like a real winner. Gag me!
This is the best post i have ever read on these forums.
Sounds like something I'm seriously considering at this point. I'm pretty sure this goes against DB'ing. But I fell out of my chair laughing. Especially with the father of the year frame. I can definitely understand the dignity part. We take all these steps to better ourselves, but yet we are being disrespected daily by our WS. And without your dignity all the GAL and 180s mean nothing. Pretty sure your H is thinking of excuses as I type this. Just like my W is probably trying think of something to justify her A, if I chose to talk. If you had to do it over again. Would you?
Sorry I've been MIA it's been a busy, hectic week. So H got home Monday night. He had sent a text Monday afternoon that his plane was coming in late and he was going to stay at his boss's so that he didn't wake everyone up. Aw he's so thoughtful. At the advice of my friend, I blocked his number for the evening (I didn't believe he would try to contact me but I didn't want to stress about it if he didn't, what that meant etc etc).
Anyway, Tuesday I sent a text along the lines of - in case it isn't clear, I know about your GF and I've know about everything all along. You cannot be trusted, you're disrespectful to the boys, our marriage, and our family. You have lied about why you went up north and lied about how you're Spending our family money. You are no longer welcome in the home. I then told him he could work with me on visitation with the kids and offered him a schedule for the next two days.
He responded with he told me he was moving forward with his life, he's only worried about the kids, I need to respect the rest of his stuff at the house and everything else the attorneys can deal with. I chose not to respond to anything. He took the boys that night. Was late to pick them up and late to drop them off. Had the boys ask if I wanted him to grab me dinner on the way back. I declined and didn't say a word. Wednesday he took the boys to dinner, invited me, I again declined. I dropped the baby to him at the restaurant for an hour since he didn't have a car seat, I was dressed up, smiling, in a hurry and met my friend for a drink. I picked the kids up said goodnight and went about my business.
Thursday he made arrangement s to come to the house to get his stuff from the garage. I made plans for the boys and I to be gone and my dad be there. He showed up with his friend and a sheriff. He was supposed to be there only between 630-730 ( as agreed by our attorneys) he showed up at 8 and left at 930. My dad was stunned he brought a sheriff and H asked behind the cop are you sure there won't be a problem. My dad said he just was like uh no H no problem at all. After all H just had breakfast with my dad and all of us and spend the weekend at the soccer tournament. AND H also had plans to continue living here after his vacay with OW. The only reason he's not. In our home is because I kicked him out.
Anyway, after H got his stuff he called My dad from the garage and asked to come in. He shook my dads hand and apologized that things had to end this way and turned out this way. My dad said he just shook his head and said me too H me too. He also said H you know what you did tonight was unnecessary. H said I just felt safer with a third party. My dad said H after 13 years, it was unnecessary. BTW H had no idea I wouldn't be here with the kids.
I called My lawyer yesterday morning to let her know of this. She reached out to H attorney who apologized on behalf. Of H and said he advised H NOT to bring a sheriff but that he obviously doesn't listen.
Anyway the kicker is , H is moving. His attorney told mine we will be able to work this out probably without a mediator and just between our two attorneys. That 'H is in a hurry to finalize this divorce because he's moving up north and transferring to a office up north within his same company'. I was shocked, stunned you name it.
But like I said this is SUPPOSEDLY what he did with the girl he left for me. So I told my attorney I'm in no rush. I want the sky. I'm thinking he will give me what I want because he's in such a hurry to get out. He doesn't know I know about him moving there. I can't believe he would throw away the kids and I like that.
Anyway legal stuff is being worked out. He wants my truck back (the one he surprised me with for Christmas). I'm sure OW and her 3 kids will be driving it. His mother informed me they only saw him once for a couple hours. That he was driving a van with car seats (OWs) when she asked who's car it was he said a guy friend who owns a car shop who had leant it to him.
He's been texting and calling my oldest son a lot. Seems a lot of guilt based on his messages. My oldest responds sometimes but not often. I had to make him go with H Tuesday night. He cried. But I didn't want to start the first visit off with him thinking it's ok to not go spend time with his dad.
H and I don't communicate. I respond to maybe 10% of his texts. He doesn't text much. Maybe once a day if that.
I'm struggling a lot still. Some days are better than others. It's hard to do this alone. It saddens me that he can up and leave after spending one weekend with this girl. I just have to remember last time it fell apart and hopefully this time it will too. I really wish he didn't have to make these choices.
I've heard through the grapevine he's now telling people it's been over for a long time and we agreed he would stay in the home until the baby was born and I went back to work to afford an attorney.
It gets under my skin because it's not true. But then again nothing much he says is true.
T it is good to hear that you are doing ok. I promise the pain does go away and in time you will be able to focus and feel again. For a while it will be hard but it does get better. Perhaps if he does go the distance will do you some good. Remember that you don't know what the future holds. You have so many friends here and we all care about you and are proud of you for doing what had to be done. Sounds like there may have been some plans brewing for a while and your actions have allowed you to seize some control back for yourself. Take care, eat, and get sleep. Just take it hour by hour and day by day. Don't make any big plans right now. Just love those boys and lean on your friends and family.