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A Message from Michele
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Re: Attaining MEH [Re: T384] #2757021
08/18/17 06:58 AM
08/18/17 06:58 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
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Jim1234 Offline
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Originally Posted By: T384


He then offered to pick up our son from soccer..... First of all he's gone to more practices in the last 2 weeks the. He has in all the years of soccer and prior to taking to his attorney

He offered to take the baby so I could eat...... he told me to go sit down and he would finish making lunches.

He said he would take care of it today.



I'll be the first to admit, I'm coming to this discussion a little late and am missing most of the history, but from your statements quoted above, is it possible your actions have caused him to think "oh $hit, what have I done?" and these actions are him trying to salvage the marriage?


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Re: Attaining MEH [Re: Jim1234] #2757037
08/18/17 08:57 AM
08/18/17 08:57 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline
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Quote:
I'll be the first to admit, I'm coming to this discussion a little late and am missing most of the history, but from your statements quoted above, is it possible your actions have caused him to think "oh $hit, what have I done?" and these actions are him trying to salvage the marriage?


No, but if he was, there would be a queue of 2x4-wielding DBers reminding T not to fall for it.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Re: Attaining MEH [Re: Maybell] #2757049
08/18/17 10:46 AM
08/18/17 10:46 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 718
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Jim1234 Offline
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Posts: 718
Originally Posted By: Maybell
No, but if he was, there would be a queue of 2x4-wielding DBers reminding T not to fall for it.


OK. Fair enough.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Re: Attaining MEH [Re: Jim1234] #2757051
08/18/17 01:33 PM
08/18/17 01:33 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Train Offline
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Train  Offline
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Posts: 1,433
There might be a queue of 2x4 wielders. But I wouldn't be one of them.

Jim, sometimes it takes someone a little less bitter/cynical to come along and point out the obvious around here. I, for one, appreciate you doing it. You know ... beginner's mind ... baby steps ... PMA ... and all that jazz.

Sometimes I need reminded that people can change. But every day, I am reminded by looking at my H. Not everyone here is able to do/say that.

For the record: most everyone on these boards knows my H cheated twice in eight years. And he probably acted like more of an a$shole than I even let on here. And though I struggle a lot with what happened between us, I have to say that I'm happier in my M *and my own skin* right now than I've ever been. Because we are working on it ... and us, collectively and individually. I can't say what tomorrow holds. But I know I'm a better person for what I've been through. And I know the changes I've seen in my H the past three years. It's been incredible and mind-blowing to watch. And I wouldn't trade the past three years for anything, despite how hard the journey has been.

T, you're on your own journey. Who knows where it will end? Not me! Do I believe your H has had an immediate epiphany and is a changed man? No. Do I believe he's acting this way all of a sudden ONLY to manipulate you and/or because he's being advised by a L? No.

I *do* think he's being advised. But I can tell you that a man who decidedly has one foot out the door can not successfully pretend to be helpful or loving. If nothing else, us women are too intuitive for that.

But, let's be honest, you already know how I feel and what I think you should do, so I'll save my fingers from the typing. wink

Throw the guy a tiny itty-bitty little freaking bone.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Re: Attaining MEH [Re: Train] #2757053
08/18/17 01:52 PM
08/18/17 01:52 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
T
T384 Offline OP
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T384  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,680
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Hi Jim - thanks for stopping by. I always appreciate everyone's insight and the diversity of this board. Plus a man's insight is always helpful

Maybell- thanks for stopping by as always!

Oh and Train- You know I love you Jimmy wink

Oink oink


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: Attaining MEH [Re: T384] #2757054
08/18/17 01:53 PM
08/18/17 01:53 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
T
T384 Offline OP
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Sunny Florida
Hit send too soon... I would love to add more but H and I are off to renew our vows

Haha wink


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: Attaining MEH [Re: T384] #2757058
08/18/17 03:24 PM
08/18/17 03:24 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline
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Originally Posted By: T384
Hit send too soon... I would love to add more but H and I are off to renew our vows

Haha wink


good one. I bet he's planning a big surprise party too... cool

If your h was attempting to reconcile with you, it would be loud and clear, b/c that is what worked last time he had an OW. Not a few impression management gestures in public. If I were a betting woman, I'd bet a lot that he's gotten advice before you filed. Then again, so what?

You have made your choice and though it's not irreversible - I think the chance you two have of reconciliation, rests on your h believing he has lost you AND him wanting to change and do the work to transform your marriage into a successful one.


I don't harp on that^^ b/c your h has a pattern.

I'm not one of those who says "kick him to the curb!". I'm not ever into the punishing or "teach him a lesson" type. Life will teach him lessons and life will show him the consequences to the extent he can learn them, and to the extent he cares.

I hate hearing that my h doesn't care for a lot of reasons. Obviously. And I hate writing that to you.

So it's time for a small dose of reality - that regardless of how your h feels about your family, he has chosen himself and the single life, over your family, and at the family's expense.

That is self evident. And in a way, that clarity helps.

You may want to try that meditation app called "insight timer" - it's free. I listen to it every night and sometimes in the middle of the night when I awaken unpleasantly.

It's pretty fast acting and you don't wake up groggy.

(((T3, I wish you some peace...)))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: Attaining MEH [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2757084
08/19/17 01:23 AM
08/19/17 01:23 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,153
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BluWave Offline
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I agree with 25, as usual :-) And here is another spin on it. Let's say he is stepping up because the advice of his L or someone else in his life. Let's say it does feel like it is for show or to help him win some additional custody arrangement, or he has some motive that is not solely for the immediate benefit of helping you and/or spending more time with kids. (and I think we are all agree that is what it is looking like)

But still, there is a potential benefit, and it could be huge. If H can continue on this trajectory, albeit not perfect, this ultimately will be the best sitch for the kids and down the line you as well. Plain and simple, kids deserve a dad that is present and young kids benefit from a frequent and consistent custody arrangement.

Sure, we all agree that your H is dirt bag. Still tho, if he loves his boys and is willing to spend time with them, go to soccer practices, hold the baby often, put them to bed, etc, well isn't that truly best for them? I mean, what if he can stick to a schedule like this? Isn't that best for the boys? And T, down the line, won't it be nice to have the help and time for yourself?

I have never brought this up on the boards but my oldest D19 has a different dad--we were never M and I was young when I had her--and I left him when she was a baby. He was a real POS too. He pulled a lot of stunts and made my life h3ll for years. I was young, broke, in college, and he managed to make things harder most days. I did all of the legal leg work, paid for it, tried desperately to get some sort of custody arrangement for D so he couldn't come/go/cancel on her last minute. He never paid a dime of support and would not stick to any schedule we had set up. I took care of all of her needs, preschool, healthcare, everything. He didn't seem to want to see her but he would stalk me and pursue me often. He literally strolled into court, shed a few tears about missing her, and bam he got the custody he requested and 50-50 legal. That is California Family Court Services for you: apparently all you need is a pulse and to simply show up.

Here is the thing tho, because I did hijack for a reason: whatever the court arrangement is, the truth will unfold over time. If he can't stick it out, you can always go back and have it revised. My ex only wanted every other weekend and a weekly phone call. Sadly, by the time she was 10 he disappeared entirely. However there were many years when he was stable and had a GF that he did take her most weekends and she came to really know him well. Now as an adult, shes does not have the burning itch of wondering who he is.

There was nothing you could have told me at the time that would soothe my fears and anxiety when I was going through those wretched court battles. It was a nightmare. I can tell you today though, that it will work out for the best in time. If he can step it up and be a good and present dad for his boys, well I think that is best for them! If he fails at that, then sadly for him, it will be his loss. My D19 is amazing, beautiful, and brilliant and her dad doesn't even know her anymore. I don't have any anger towards him but I sincerely pity him. She has not seen him in 9 years and she has no interest in it.

Sorry for the hijack. I agree with 25 that the natural consequences will unfold themselves. You just keep focusing on your fabulous self T! You are a wonderful mom and amazing gal with or without this fool.

Sorry for the hijack. & Time for my coffee too :-)

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Re: Attaining MEH [Re: BluWave] #2757114
08/19/17 07:18 AM
08/19/17 07:18 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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sandi2 Offline
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Yep, me too! This has nothing to do with him wanting to make amends to R........or to do the "right thing" in any part. Someone has told him to get his a$$ in gear, to be ready for any child care questions that should arise in court. "Have you ever attending soccer practice"? "Do you help the kids prepare for school"? "What have you done to help your W with the kids"? "Mr, T, how often do you spend the nights at home with your family"?

He's a fool, but he's smart enough to fly by the last minute to say he's been there. I think I'm going to be.......... sick

Has that Aug. house payment been met?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Attaining MEH [Re: sandi2] #2757389
08/22/17 01:08 AM
08/22/17 01:08 AM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 603
Midwest USA
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woundedfool Offline
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Paging T0, T0 please pick up a white courtesy phone.

Just checking in, how did the weekend go?


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
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