We are still not separated. She wants reassurance that I will not leave her down the path. I told her that I was 100% committed to making things work and I have no intentions on leaving her.
**** Another words she wants you to stick around and be plan B if plan A doesn't work out.*******
Should I romance her?
****** No that would be pursuit and that is the worst thing you can do right now.*********
Do I look unattractive by trying to work things out when she knows I know she has been emotionally unfaithful?
****** Yes it does. It makes you look weak. *******
Chanove,
First off I am really sorry you are here. But this forum can change your life!
Your best bet is to stop all pursuit, detach and get out and start to make an awesome life for you and your kids. Get in shape, go out with your guys friends, do some adventurous things and most importantly be mysterious. It is very important to know that you can't nice her back by giving her your car or doing chores around the house or romancing her.
We are still not separated. She wants reassurance that I will not leave her down the path. I told her that I was 100% committed to making things work and I have no intentions on leaving her.
You mentioned she's bipolar, is she BPD (borderline personality disorder) as well? My GF is to some extent and she has a constant fear of me leaving her even when there's no reason at all for her to think that, I have to constantly give her reassurances.
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We are going on a date Friday night. She is upset that I started smoking again (we quit years ago), so I'm going to quit. It's a nasty habit anyway.
Good, quit and show her a 180 on that right away.
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I'm very confused on what to do because she hasn't separated or left yet. She says she wants to work things out, but I'm more concerned after reading this forum. It doesn't "feel" like she does and I'm afraid she stringing me along.
Most of the advice on here is what to do after she leaves.
What do I when we are still together??
A lot of people here are still under the same roof, the advice is much the same either way. The approach changes when you get to the "piecing" phase, but the big trigger for that is when the WAS announces that they want to work on the M. I don't think you're there yet. Your W is saying that she's not totally checked out, but she's not saying she wants the M yet.
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We have drifted apart and she blames me for yelling and name calling, which is unfortunately true.
That's a good focus for a 180. Seek out IC if you need help on recognizing your triggers and finding ways to refocus your negative energy so you're not taking it out on her. She may see you going to IC as a huge positive step.
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I have resent the fact that she parties with her new friends in "running lines" or cast parties.
Why do you resent that, is it because of the EA stuff? You both should have GAL activities that don't involve your spouse. You should give her time for GAL and she should do the same for you. If you're upset that she doesn't give you enough notice, or doesn't tell you how long she's going to be out or whatever it is, then sit down with her and work out the details. Tell her that you want her to enjoy herself, but you would just like more notice, or for her to text to let you know how long she'll be out or whatever it is that'll make you more comfortable with it. Especially given the EA stuff you discovered, she should be willing to keep in touch with you so you have reassurances that she's not doing anything improper.
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The counselor told me my wife was 99% out the door and I had to focus on me to make the marriage work.
Ask your W is she sees any value in the MC. Usually when a WAS is 99% done then you shouldn't even go to MC because it makes things worse instead of better.
Wow! Thank you everyone for the input! I read the thread on pursuit/distance. The more I learn on this site the more questions I have.
So...should I be the one to separate?
Currently she is not in a play and started back at work that she loves. She also has a psych apt in Sept. I'm hoping that she will re-calibrate and shake herself out of this. Also, even though she has been unfaithful emotionally, it is not a specific person. Her last crush didn't really return her attention and has moved to another city for other reasons. He no longer in the picture. Her unfaithfulness is more about wanting to act single and hit on guys. There is no single object of desire.
Let me clarify some. Since the last counseling session, I have been much better and she has noticed the improvement. I have not argued one time.
I understand I need to not be overly romantic and should be somewhat distant, however, I cannot completely detach yet as we are still together. She still says she loves and we are having sex again. Friday night date came out of counseling and something she wanted to do. She is paying for it and I am setting it up. I feel like I cannot cancel that, so:
How do I handle the date night?
Right now I'm so confused, I guess I'm playing it safe. I don't want to give her an ultimatum (i.e. quit the theater life and open your phone) as that would push her out the door. On the other hand, I don't want her to perceive me as weak either. I could go full detachment mode if she said she wanted to separate, but right now that's not the case.
I guess I will just continue to be nice and polite. Be loving without pursuing. Go on dates without being needy. It's kind of a middle ground area that is going to be hard to navigate.
"You mentioned she's bipolar, is she BPD (borderline personality disorder) as well?"
She has traces of borderline, but not diagnosed.
Your W is saying that she's not totally checked out, but she's not saying she wants the M yet. This is extremely helpful
That's a good focus for a 180. Seek out IC if you need help on recognizing your triggers and finding ways to refocus your negative energy so you're not taking it out on her. She may see you going to IC as a huge positive step. I think my anger has been mostly a reaction to her, I have not been angry at all lately. She has quite the temper, but I do not respond to it anymore.
Why do you resent that, is it because of the EA stuff? I have been very supportive the past two years in her GAL with theater. If anything, I gave her too much space. I didn't realize emotional cheating would result. My suspicions led to fights.
Ask your W is she sees any value in the MC. Usually when a WAS is 99% done then you shouldn't even go to MC because it makes things worse instead of better. Well, one of her gripes about me is she told me that we needed counseling 3 years ago and I didn't go. Classic early signs of WAW that I missed. I sent her the therapist schedule and she cannot fit it in because of her new work schedule. I may just leave it be.
Her unfaithfulness is more about wanting to act single and hit on guys. There is no single object of desire.
Yeah that happens a lot. They like to fantasize about being single and meeting some white knight.
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Let me clarify some. Since the last counseling session, I have been much better and she has noticed the improvement. I have not argued one time.
Good. Keep working on your 180s. At first she'll think they are tricks to get her back, so you have to be consistent, and you have to be patient.
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She still says she loves and we are having sex again.
It's fine to keep having sex, as long as you don't get your hopes up that it means everything is better. She's still struggling so again, be patient.
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Friday night date came out of counseling and something she wanted to do. She is paying for it and I am setting it up. I feel like I cannot cancel that, so:
How do I handle the date night?
Let her do all the talking. LISTEN and VALIDATE. Nothing more. No R talk at all. Keep things light and fluffy!
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Right now I'm so confused, I guess I'm playing it safe. I don't want to give her an ultimatum (i.e. quit the theater life and open your phone) as that would push her out the door.
Definitely not the time for that. That needs to wait until she expresses interest in saving the M, and that could be months away.
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I guess I will just continue to be nice and polite. Be loving without pursuing. Go on dates without being needy. It's kind of a middle ground area that is going to be hard to navigate.
Thanks for stopping bye my thread and offering some advise. It seems to me that it is the small changes that stay conziztant that the w usuLly notices. Also usually the small changes we make are for us so as a h we win both ways.
Friday night's date went very well. We saw a Beatles tribute band (her favorite) and the lyrics to "I'm looking through you" really resonated with me. Things were great until I screwed up by drinking too much and getting into a R talk w/ her that ended with arguing at 2 am. I recovered the next day and things went well.
However, Sun night she got really mad I was going out of town, saying she was going to have people over the house while I was gone and wanted us to buy new sheets (not for cheating, but to make our bedroom presentable). I didn't do a very good job validating her there (again, alcohol didn't help). She also mentioned some jealousy of someone I emailed 13 years ago, who I didn't cheat with but had a crush before we even met (a weird re-surface which I took as being grasping for straws). I haven't even thought about her in years and so much has transpired since then. Anyway, we ended up getting into argument that night.
So...Monday morning she texted me saying she was sorry. Although admitting my transgressions on this site, overall, things have improved. She told me she was now 0% out the door and things have really improved in our relationship. I don't believe everything she says, but her demeanor has softened. I know we we are not at the piecing stage yet, but slow progress I believe.
