Thanks, I'm trying very much not to waste any time on him. But he still insists on messaging me every week to ask how I am. Nothing more in depth than that, and the inconsequential small talk just frustrates me. I would rather we discuss co-parenting issues or finances, something concrete. But anytime I mention anything, it’s like its occurring to him for the very first time. His instant reaction is rude and then he thinks a bit more then back tracks and changes his mind.
I thought that he might grow up a bit when the reality of the situation hit him, but does not appear to be the case. He just can’t seem to see beyond his own selfishness.
I asked for some financial help with paying for things and at first he said yes but then said he had to see. So he is clearly not going to provide any financial or non-financial assistance.
He then called me in the middle of the night last week, drunk on the way home from his work Christmas do, telling me what a bad time he had. Then staying the usual rubbish that he still loves me and can we talk. I did not engage with any of it as it is obviously just drunk nonsense, but I was annoyed at his lack of consideration for the fact that I am 6 months pregnant and don't need to be woken up in the middle of the night!
I just messaged him the next day and told him never to do that again and if he wanted to speak to me, arrange a time convenient to me. He said that he had arranged to see a counsellor in January, to discuss why he pushes away people that love him because he does not believe he deserves love. If that ‘sorry for myself’ basis is which he is seeing a counsellor, then there won’t be any changes to his awful behaviour and selfishness. In which case I would rather cut him out of everything entirely and have nothing more to do with him.
However I just feel a bit conflicted about making such a hard blunt decision and giving him the opportunity to play a role in his child’s life.
Fish, congratulations on having a boy! That's exciting to know what you're having so you can plan more. Too bad your husband is so disconnected throughout all this. I've essential raised my daughter alone for almost four years now with my husband like that (except not ever calling me drunk saying he still loves me - there's no sign he loves me at all). If you ever have any questions I'd be happy to share my experience or advice. At least with new moms there are also so many websites and resources and groups you can join for support. You won't be alone.
I hope you're well?! H sounds so young. How old are you both if you don't mind my asking?
I would be hurt beyond h@$$ if my H walked away whilst I was pregnant with his baby. Is there a possibility your H has some underlying reason he can't connect? And is his saying he's going to counselling authentic? If it is, I would give him encouragement. It's a big deal to some men to go to counselling off their own back...if its not authentic and just saying what you want to hear then thats a manipulative action to keep you plan b.
You must be hurt so much and any reaching out from your H feels like too little too late. And I know I'd feel like why would I have to nurse you whilst I'm going through my toughest time. But does the reaching out to you differ from the past? If he's really going to counselling (can you ask for proof..idk if thats DB allowed!) but maybe, just maybe, he'll learn some valuable lessons whilst there. If indeed he's really going to go.
About the conflicting feelings you feel regarding H. You're pregnant with his baby, you've made it clear h is someone you want in your babies life...if he can't see that after 6 months of pregnancy...he needs his head examined. So counselling is a good as place as any to start. Validate, but let him do him. If he's honest (I say honest because my H was far from honest) in counselling then it should all come together...whether thats together or apart. Hopefully it will make him see how being a dad can be a wondrous thing!
But keep on keeping healthy, doing you and taking care of yourself and bump, because soon you'll have no time to worry about H and his 'all over the place' attitude.
Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. x
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
My husband is 33 and I'm 37. So I wouldn't say he was particularly young, but he is definitely behaving very immature. I think that the counselling is real, but it's through his work, so I'm not that hopeful about it. He says he has an appointment on the 10th, I hope he goes and it helps, but will have to wait and see. I did tell him it was good that he was taking this first step.
He then called me drunk again on Friday, though not in the middle of the night this time. But saying he missed me and wanted to talk and wants to come to all the appointments with me, but the OW says he can't and that he can't take paternity leave. To which I just told him, it's ultimately his choice and decision but he was welcome to come to appointments if he wanted.
The OW then later texted me from his phone pretending to be him, reminding me that he was with her! He then texted me to tell me and said he might have to move some of his stuff! I'm sure they made up as I haven't heard from him since, but I really don't want to be involved in their car crash relationship.
I think it's stupid and childish behaviour to have text me like that and why is she trying to compete with a baby. I don't want this OW involved in anything to do with my child, as it's between me and my husband. But I fear that she will be involved if she is dictating what he can and can't do.
I'm for the most part putting it all to the side for now and trying to make the most of my holiday break and get things ready for the baby. I'm getting quite excited about it and can't wait for the baby to arrive now.
Wow, Fish, thats some rollercoaster ride you've been on for a while.
Yes, he sounds immature...and completely confused.
His OW sounds like a keeper...not!! He will have a pretty awful life with that one I think, (no sympathy from me...) But, she is screwing with his head and you're being the calm oasis, no wonder he says he misses you.
Did you read Zues's new thread...it's great and has some really good reminders for those of us that read too much into these exchanges with our S.
Keep doing the great work you're doing. Keep calm, and soon hopefully H will attend those sessions...fingers crossed work ones are better than nothing...and he will at least realise he has a chance to be a good dad, if and when he wakes up. Keep the path clear for this...you sound like you're doing a remarkable job at that already.
I wish I had your steady resolve.
It is exciting getting ready and nesting...that's your focus and you're right to be doing that. Best wishes Fish.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Almost at the end of my pregnancy now, just 3 weeks to go!!
Obviously my husband decided he wanted to mess me lots during this last period so has been really hard staying out of his stress. Especially when he kept saying that he wanted to move back and look after the baby with me. He went so far as to book a moving van, but when it came to it, just didn't pack his stuff and cancelled the van. Very frustrating, but I felt it was all too good to be true, I was cautious about the whole thing. I felt he would bail at some point and he did. Sad really as he will miss out on so much. He managed to come to one scan though, but that's it.
He only told his mother about the baby today! So god knows what his family are going to think. Although they prefer the OW to me anyway, she is more the bubbly chatty airhead daughter in law they are looking for. I just hope none of them contact me, I am quite happy not being any part of his family. Especially when some of them are racist. My son doesn't need to be around that.
I am just focussing on my last work at work and the baby coming. Hopefully my H leaves me alone from now on and doesn't try messing with me again.
