There is really no telling. You're dealing with a WAH and ANYTHING could come out of his mouth. Just remember Sandi's rules, especially "Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared." Just let him talk and you listen. No matter what he says, no matter how crazy it sounds, just listen and validate (read the sticky on validation). Try to keep in mind tht whatever he tells you is how he feels right now and is subject to change even if he says it's not. You've already decided you are keeping the baby, so your boundary should be that you will NOT allow any discussion to the contrary. If he goes there then just shut him down and tell him that's not an option and not open to discussion.
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I don't feel like I have anything to say, its up to him if he plays a role with the baby and how much. But at the same time, given his extensive lies I cannot believe anything he says, so it feels like this talk is pointless. But I will still listen to what he has to say.
Good. Yes you are exactly right, whatever comes out of his mouth right now is practically worthless. Just listen and validate, that's really the only purpose of the talk.
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He still hasn't told this OW that he has now moved in with, that I am pregnant, not sure how he plans to hide it. But that is his problem. I did consider whether I should say something to her, but it is not my business or my responsibility to inform her.
Great! I agree. She'll figure it out anyway, and won't that be a rude slap in the face that he didn't tell her. If you tell her she will resent you, but if you don't tell her and she finds out by seeing your growing belly or some other way then she will resent HIM.
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I have my 12 week scan next week which I hope will go well so that I can relax a bit and try to enjoy my pregnancy.
Good luck! Very sorry you find yourself in this situation, but it sounds like you are being very clear-headed about it so that's a great sign! You're doing great!
Well as I thought the 'talk' was an absolute waste of time. He said nothing of consequence so I have no idea why he harassed me to have this conversation.
Thank you for your reply, was really helpful. I think I am just going to ignore him from now on, if he even contacts me again because he is just unable to communicate in any mature way or talk about anything other than himself and how things affect him.
Congratulations on the baby I hope all goes well with the scan.
Commiserations on your idiot H. I am also so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I would simply back up all the advice you have already received and keep staying strong as it sounds you are. This is a rollercoaster and you have already been on it for quite a while in one way but if you read other stories 8 months can be classed as not very long.
I had a very similar sitch with my H. Fell in 'love' with someone at work after 5 minutes, left, moved in with her, lasted 4 weeks before he wanted to come home. The difference is we already had 2 kids so I couldn't cut contact but I did cut contact about anything but the kids and finances about 3 weeks before his epiphany.
Good luck and keep posting.
SJ x
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
I think he is scared that all his lies are going to be revealed and people will think badly of him, which is what he is most concerned about. But that is not my problem.
He asked about whether I would start divorce proceedings as he has no grounds to start proceedings, but I said no. It doesn't suit me to do it right now or pay the court fees etc. I have more important things that I need to concentrate on and I don't need to be wasting money. So he has to wait till we have been separated for 2 years till he can start proceedings and pay the fees. I'll see what the situation is then.
I don't feel like I can look too far ahead at the moment, I am just concentrating on getting through each week of my pregnancy and see where I go from there.
I am also going to go back to see my counsellor as well as just talking to my husband yesterday for 15 minutes stressed me out and affected my sleep, so I want to make sure that I am looking after myself.
Had my scan today and all is good! Feeling so relieved and looking forward to all the next steps. Told my husband that it was all fine as he asked, but did not really get much response he only seemed to want to want to know if I was going to tell everyone now. I haven't responded and I have no reason to have any contact with him at all now.
I've not posted before but I wanted to wish you well in your pregnancy and offer my congrats on a good scan. I'm glad you have support from your mum as it's such an important time for you.
I'm pleased you've begun to see a counsellor, I hope she can help you wade through the intense emotions you must be feeling. I saw my counsellor for the first time yesterday and it brought up some huge emotions but I can see it will be helpful.
Thank you caz49. Hope your counselling continues to go well.
I've now blocked my husband's number as he insisted on sending me stupid messages asking me who I told and then accused me of not being civil because I didn't respond to him. If he wants to contact me he can email me or write me a letter. I want clear boundaries for myself. I don't anticipate hearing from him, he can't take responsibility for anything and has shown no interest in his child.
Whilst it sad he doesn't want to be involved, I cannot force him and it's better off he not be involved when he is so unreliable.
Most important thing is to take care of yourself. H will start spinning if he feels he's losing control of the situation but thats nothing to do with you...you take care of you. Thats all you can do.
My counselling is going okay, she's great...I'm just all over the place!
Look after yourself.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Fish, I have a toddler and I'm facing single parenthood. I'm so sorry to hear of everything you've been through. My husband also has shown little interest in our child and has been overall disengaged. Children deserve better than that! Even if they're not always planned they deserve the love of both their parents. I admire you for keeping your child and for focusing on planning for him or her. It doesn't sound like there's anything you can do better than what you're doing.
Feeling so relieved and looking forward to all the next steps. Told my husband that it was all fine as he asked, but did not really get much response he only seemed to want to want to know if I was going to tell everyone now. I haven't responded and I have no reason to have any contact with him at all now.