WAW, is there hope?

[KGuy]

Hey Slater,

Thanks for your reply. I obviously agree and had sent a less nice email quite awhile back stating the same thing (on the clothes issues only) and had been ignoring such emails when she just keeps doing this. Usually, i just state my position and hold consistently to it. Every once in awhile, the situation gets to me and i reply repeating my position. From past experience with her on "arguing" emails, it always seems too take three emails for her to even acknowledge my position, she just pushes her agenda relentlessly. This time i got a halfway nice reply back, so i wanted to encourage that and also try and focus on validating or changing my pattern of reply in hopes that something will work differently, thus my last reply was hoping to:
1) try and use validation in hopes to perhaps show her that i hear her at least (not that my stance will change on this issue, but i at least hear her)
2) By replying in a different tone back to her, i had hoped she would see her tone sets the mood for a "fight" and that if she talked in a different manner we might get along better. In her mind, we fought all the time and i wanted to remind her that we did get along in our marriage and we can now if absolutely necessary. In effect, my changing my behavior that leads to her behavior changed is part of the DB principal, right?

My message of the "exact" things being returned to the W's residence hasn't changed for quite some time, i've been consistent on that all the way back when it started. I just wish she would stop this badgering, its hard to see her like treating me like this. You are correct, it really is sillyness and it has got to stop. I just don't know how i can stop it. I couldn't stop the divorce after all, so how can i stop this behavior? If anyone has any idea how to stop this behavior of hers (besides ignoring, I'll go back to that after this email), I'm all ears...

I have a full dresser full of clothes that i had either bought after the W left or were my older daughter's (that i got out of the attic) so my initial thought would be why buy even MORE clothes because she picked a daycare that has uniforms. The W also knows that even if i had the money to buy additional uniforms, i wouldn't typically do that (I must admit I'm stubborn like that). She knows I'd stand fast on this and in "fighting" doing what she says, i'd just convince her that we fought all the time (in her mind at least) and she would feel more justified in doing what she did. The W picked out this Daycare and although probably a good idea to buy extra uniforms (this would be a 180 for me to do that), my buying a whole bunch of uniforms for this daycare won't work at this moment either as money is tight right now since i just got laid off recently.

I wanted to reply to the "nice" email today and hadn't had any replies yet on this thread, so I slightly modified my reply and sent it out earlier today as follows:

The previous week D4 had told me the prize would be given if she did what she was told, However this past Friday, Ms. XXXX told me she had told D4 what you mentioned that if she wore the uniform this past week, she would get a prize. Thank you for sharing the prize information as well and its relation to the uniform with me. I was happy that you cooperated with me to make this happen. Yes, after much indecision on what she wanted, she did get a prize, a beach ball with a fish inside.

I understand that D4 looks forward to dance, she always has hasn’t she? If I understand your past email, she has her dance in the afternoon on Thursdays, is this correct? In any case I hear what you are saying and since you (or your mother) bring the girls in Thursday mornings, I left the ballet bag with D4’s ballet outfit and shoes at daycare so you’ll need to pick them up there to bring in next Thursday.

As for the stuffed doll, I realize this is important to you, and more importantly to D4. I have always returned the toys they have brought with them. I had planned to return it Monday and will take all steps to ensure it gets back to your house. As always, I have D4 and D2’s best interest at heart.


Oh, and one other thing, the W had the Friday off and came up to the school, most likely to take anything i had brought up there that she thought was hers. I guess she saw the other stuffed animal the D4 brought thus, prompting her to think i wasn't going to return the stuffed animal that D4 came with (D4 likes to bring things from my house if she know I am picking her up). Now that i thiink about it, she should have realized the ballet bag was there so its odd that she brought that up in her email.

This is the last attempt for me to reply i think, perhaps you are right and i should just ignore these types of emails. I am just playing into her hands and fanning her "anger" flame more if i respond. On the other hand, she has shut down all other communication (i also have went NC with a few weak moments on my part), arranged that the majority of the exchanges are through the daycare (ie no face to face contact with anyone at the house except one night). so i am at least trying to work with what ii have too change something. Its not much hope in turning this around of coourse, but i have to try whatever i can.

Meanwhile, the kids and i GALed the whole weekend. I don't particularly like to get overbooked, but we did quite a bit. On Saturday, we did some stuff here at my Dad's house, i then threw the canoe up on top of the SUV and we went paddling nearby a BDay party the D4 went to (the D2 tagged along as well) that was in that area. Today, we went to church, ate out with my Dad and, since i had left the canoe on top of the SUV, we went paddling nearby here and then I took D4 over to my old house where she had fun playing with neighbors down the street while i planted some more plants for my change of landscape. The D2 fell asleep during the paddle and slept through the playing though.

Spending time with the kids sure does help all the worry go away about these other things i cannot change.

Anyway, thanks again for your reply.