Chapter 5 - Turning over to a new page

[bigybiz]

Maximus:

Thanks for your post. I already live like that. My family and I operate without her. I plan what I want, when I want almost with her in isolation.

I had a huge confidence boost when D21 moved back in this fall. To me that was a signal that I'm a stable, loving, supportive and not needy, etc. I do not get the feeling she came home to rescue her brothers. I love having her here.

I know part of me sees this as winning her approval - but the other part of me sees it as an opportunity to show my kids that no matter what mistakes I've made over the last 10 years. I will be step up and be the best father, husband, man I can be for them.

Goals:

1) In Sept 2018 D21 and S17 will leave the nest for University. I have until then to win back their trust, love, support etc.

2) My DB coach told me that I should "budget" 1 month of separation for every year married. That equals 24 months. I've recently read/listened/learned about Limerence. Which the "experts" say lasts typically 18 to 36 months. So I'm at the two year mark - give or take the actual start.

So my "goal" for the next 12 to 18 months is to back the "bleep" up. or detach. Barring divorce proceedings, I intend to have little contact with her, keep living my life at full throttle as I have and hope that I can be ready for divorce or for the best possible marriage with her sometime in late 2018/early 2019.

[bigybiz]

Well, she came and went. She covered lots of topics. I kept my mouth shut. I validated where I could. She talked about how she is tired of fighting for her existence with me. She is going to give in but for me to just please let her have the small about of time she has with her kids. She says she is tired of my manipulating every conversation into what I want to talk about, and I may not be sure that I even do it. She talked about how much she misses my family. She did say it will cause hurt to them "If I start going on with my life". It was hard to hear, and I was screaming inside to say oh yeah, and if you comeback, etc, I drove her back to her apt in silence.

After that session the she told me that she won't be seeing the kids and I on Christmas eve and Christmas Day. She just said it's OK for some families, but not her (she didn't ask me what I wanted). Now she's told S17 - she may come on Christmas day. I had planned to not let her come over on Christmas day. She has O/M if she's moving on then - keep going. I'm really confused. If I don't have her over - she can't see what she's missing.

I'll leave it and see what happens.

Merry Christmas everyone

[Verum]

After that session the she told me that she won't be seeing the kids and I on Christmas eve and Christmas Day. She just said it's OK for some families, but not her (she didn't ask me what I wanted). Now she's told S17 - she may come on Christmas day. I had planned to not let her come over on Christmas day. She has O/M if she's moving on then - keep going. I'm really confused. If I don't have her over - she can't see what she's missing.

I'll leave it and see what happens.

Merry Christmas everyone

I think this is one of the instances where for your kids, she can come over (obviously with OM) for Christmas. I think you just leave the "door open" in that she can come, but it is up to her. Regardless of her coming or not, you do your thing with the kids.

Merry Christmas.

[bigybiz]

Hey:

Who remember Sandi2's 4 A's? The things a man must have

Appreciation

Admiration

??

Let me know please.

[bigybiz]

Next massive step in GAL - Starting a bedroom reno. The window is ordered, the room is empty. The demolition starts on Tuesday - 2 days from now. After 19 years in the house, the room is getting done. Too late for Mrs B - here loss.

I'm looking forward to insulation - the room is cold and sleeping alone [censored].

[bigybiz]

Bedroom reno is done. Very happy. Only took 20 years. W/S is not happy that I'm doing it now. She did pick out the paint colour.

[sandi2]

Nice job! I think it makes you feel better about yourself, and your house. However, when you post about these projects, you usually add your W's reaction. If you sincerely search your heart, are you doing them as some sort of revenge tactics? I thought it started b/c you were trying to repair things around the house......and about yourself, that had been her complaints for years.

Originally, I think that your motivation came from showing her how well you could make changes. And that's okay. It got you moving! Since then, you have kept the homefront running well. You have done the organizing, housework, cooking, and taking care of the kids. Where do you get your current motivation?

I think you've said this is for you and the kids. You were pretty ticked when she started seeing OM. So, if you know she is not happy about the bedroom renovation being done after she left the home.....why do you have her choose the colors? I'm just asking.........trying to get a feel of where things stand now.

What is the relationship like between you and W? Does she still come over to the house for family activity, or some meals? Is the OM still in the picture?

Personally, I don't see renovation as GAL. I mean, it can be a hobby of sorts.......I guess. But what are you doing that is not attached to the kids and/or house? What are you doing to socialize with others, or something that is fun for Bigy? Unless I've missed it, you've stayed pretty close to house and family, and whenever asked about GAL.....your response was "the renovations". I am asking if you have other things that require you getting out among other people.

((hugs))

[bigybiz]

Sandi2:

Thanks so much for responding to my post. I so value everyone's input. Again, you hit the nail on the head.

Yes, when I started the renovation projects it was to demonstrate that I can change and I'm willing to right past wrongs, etc. From the hobby/GAL point of view it's awesome. It makes me feel great, the house is turning into something fab. It's a great conversation starter and a fabulous excuse to have friends and neighbours over for drinks etc.

Yes - you are right. It is a revenge tactic. I love showing off to her. All the changes, activities I'm doing with the kids, how great I look, how we are living as a family and she's on her own, etc. That's not my entire motivation. My business is still struggling, that should be my main focus. But it's not. No matter how hard I try to "Let Go" and "Detach" the addiction continues. I do have some days where I say "Wow, I didn't obsess at all" Still work to do. Also, my business is still struggling. Need help there too.

Where are things - still tense. Yes, O/M is in the picture. He lives far away so I think he visits once a month. I've cut her off from family activities, meals, etc Including, S12 birthday with my family. When she asked why she couldn't come I told her it's because you are seeing someone else." Her response was "I guess I had to hear you say it" She still will not return my messages, voice mails, etc, Then get's ticked off when something happens that she claims she didn't know about. Quite frankly, why did I let her pick the colours and the flooring - why not? She was upset, it didn't bother me at all. What she chose was fine. I had 0 expectations that anything good would come from getting her input.

Thanks for keeping me on task re: the GAL. GAL slows down in the winter in Toronto. The motorcycle gets put away and most people hide until April. I checked my calendar and figured out that at least twice a month (since December), I'm out with friends, having company over. Plus, hanging out with other "adult" relatives e.g. sister, cousins. I'm not sure if that's enough? What do you think? Does MWD have a "formula". Since the crisis began, I've made a conscious effort to make new friends and go out, etc. You may remember way back in 2016 - I made sure I was out twice a week. Many of the "Shoulder to cry on " friends have stopped calling. Even though I've made a conscious effort to not talk about marriage, etc. I've made new friends who don't know the "married" me.

What is the trick to detaching? I'm super busy, I'm learning new things, I've reinvented myself, I look different, I'm way more confident, 100x better father. Aside from trying to date and fill my head with someone else - what is the secret. It's not that I don't want to. I would love to kick this.

[sandi2]

Ah......leave it to a former WW to tell a LBH how to detach!

I don't know that there is a secret formula. I've read many posts from LBS's who say that it is getting out and really GAL like crazy.........not just pretend something is you GAL. No, I don't think hanging out with your sister and other relatives is enough. It's better than not having any other adults in your life, but it is a comfort zone. I think you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone. Having family is so important......and such a blessing, but you need to encompass more.

Revenge may help us lose weight or make other changes in ourselves, but is it really a healthy way to live out the rest of your life? I don't think it is, simply b/c the object of our revenge has to stay up front in our mind, or we might lose the motivation it gave us. And if that object is constantly motivating us, then how can we possibly emotionally detach from it?

If I was single and became interested in a new man, and I saw that all his motivation came from revenge.........I would take off running.......and especially if it's revenge against his ex. Do you see the unheathiness in it? If or when the revenge finally dies out.....what is left? And, I can almost garantee that those close to you can see it in you. Maybe you haven't tried to hide it.....but whether or not you have..... Whatever is in your head/heart will come out in some fashion.

I think it's a little telling that you don't feel motivated toward your business. I can't remember if that was a big complaint from your W, but I remember the other things. Surely you have thought about this, and realize you are not motivated in your business b/c you don't feel you have anything to prove to your W about your job.

Many of the "Shoulder to cry on " friends have stopped calling

Unfortunately, people either don't know anything left to say......and feel as they should. There are some who kind of give up and think you should shut up about it and move on. Maybe you could try calling them and talking about something other than what all you've done to correct your W's former complaints, or talking about your W......period. Save that for the board. What could you talk about if not for those two areas? If it is hard to think of anything.......then your world may be too small. GAL, showing concern and doing things for others......will help us in many ways. It even helps us become more interesting when we talk to old friends. .

Maybe you should consider seeing an IC, as a way to deal with your thoughts/feelings.
You have talked a good talk, and you have done a fantastic job at correcting those old complaint targets, however, I am concerned you have pushed emotions down that you need to deal with. That could be another reason you are having trouble detaching.

((hugs))