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A Message from Michele
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Re: 25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4) [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2747459
06/19/17 08:11 AM
06/19/17 08:11 AM
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,538
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beatrice Offline
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beatrice  Offline
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I think it is excellent that we ask each other about the evidence for an opinion - not at all offended even if you had doubted me.

right now, I suspect that your h is on some sort of high - it is all wonderful. Gradually, as Garrison Keillor observed, this wears off.

My xh was an incredible $hit in the divorce process and I have heard other horror stories. Not sure what is going on there - punishment of us, outward projection of guilt and confusion, determination to get as much as possible - and it is OK for us to be angry about this treatment.

We have been betrayed, and badly treated. I wouldn't behave toward a casual friend the way that my xh husband treated me

It is and it isn't personal. They want to hurt us, but that is down to their issues, not ours.

You will detach in time, but asking us not to MIND, Good grief, that is unrealistic.

I cannot imagine being his wife, but I imagine she has her own issues. He is full of regret, and even remorse at times (this one comes and goes!!)

I see him as someone I loved deeply, miss the person he was, but have no control over anything but how I behave towards others, and how I treat myself.

They are almost invariably very public about OW - flaunting it, almost as a cover for their own insecurity.

They behave as if we never existed, and when you think about it, that is very very odd. They are operating so far from the shores of what most people see as normal behaviour that this alone should be a clue that all is far from well.

At some point, and it will not be soon, your h will miss you and all he has thrown away, but for most of these MLCers the road back is too painful.

In my experience you head gets there first, and your heart somewhat later.

These days I am grateful for what I had, sad for what I lost, and concerned that so few people realise how destructive this behaviour is.

Re: 25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4) [Re: Accuray] #2747463
06/19/17 08:44 AM
06/19/17 08:44 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline OP
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25yearsmlc  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
Today's DB joke

"Saying 'I'm sorry' and apologizing are the same things....


except at a funeral."

cool


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: 25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4) [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2747489
06/19/17 11:43 AM
06/19/17 11:43 AM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 347
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annab74 Offline
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annab74  Offline
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25...considering the circumstances, I think it would be far more unusual if the WW spouse *wasn't* acting like everything was wonderful. He paid a huge price to be with this OW--walking away from a long term marriage, family, and life history. He has to justify to himself and the people around him that it was all worth it. Truly happy people/couples don't need to convince others that they are happy.


Me: 43, Him: 40
Married: 21 years

Re: 25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4) [Re: annab74] #2747497
06/19/17 12:26 PM
06/19/17 12:26 PM
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NLW Offline
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Hi 25,

In response to your question:

"I must learn not to care at all about him, other than being the man who fathered my kids... Is this goal attainable and if so, how?"

Just wanted to confirm that my experience (6 years post-BD now) has been the same as that described by Beatrice & Accuray.

The goal is attainable, but because of the trauma we've experienced (and, as Bea says, so few realise how destructive this behaviour is) I believe it takes a long time to get to the point where you no longer care.

So, although there's little comfort in it, my experience is that it just takes time to get there - but we do get there.

With the passage of time, one day - as Accuray says - you realise that you no longer care / that nothing they do or say has an affect on you (beyond perhaps being slightly bemused at the oddness).

I still feel sad for what my kids and I had to go through, but I also feel good about us and how we've come out the other side. The focus has shifted from XH - he's no longer someone we can care about (and he is responsible for that).

Re: 25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4) [Re: annab74] #2747502
06/19/17 12:42 PM
06/19/17 12:42 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline OP
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25yearsmlc  Offline OP
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Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
I hear you anna

and thanks.

Alaska 2.0 began a & From timelines and his sudden change of tune, he met OW about 8 weeks before his planned "re-boot of the m/temporary sep" so the nest was being feathered & his landing was very softened. Not sure if that's an exit affair and an entitled A, but not too sure I care.

ANYHOW back to the FB posts

When I heard of the FB posts, they sure felt personal. Like he was punishing me for - for what? Filing? Being to blame for all his ills unhappiness?
I mean, I get the blame part (not accepting it, but I get that It's not rare). I just don't get his punishing me & in public.

So, he cannot see how that looks to others?

Like HE is the aggrieved party...which is so gas lighting of him. cry


H's best friend & w, were "horrified" and reached out to me the day after the last "So Happy w/OW!" post. (I had been warned, & blocked h, thank God.)
H's BFF says he "tried to talk to H, but h won't listen."


When I step back, I KNOW in my head that it's odd and crazy looking. And when I can step back objectively, it does help me to detach. I mean, thank God.

Like usually it rolls off my back (which I attribute to my DB experience & frankly, has impressed me with myself. cool)

But it sure is painful at times. And yeah, baffling.

If I were in his shoes, just wanting out of a m for my own reasons that I've justified - I cannot for the life of me grasp posting anything like "in a r" or showing photos of me kissing OM, even if I were divorced if it was at all recent. I'd be so much more discreet and considerate of the person I had been with. I'd be more discreet and considerate of someone I had dated for 6 months. We are still m.

So I realize I was holding onto a m with a person who would not be there for me down the road if I really needed him.

Someone capable of cruelty to the mother of his kids.

Yeah, this ^^ reality check does help me. And knowing that it's not rare, also helps.
Sad but not unique. But it's damn mean. Neither i, nor Our kids will never see him the same way and he somehow does not know this. In fact I think a lot of folks we know won't see him in the same light. But maybe the new fan base who has heard God only knows what, that makes him the victim...

Okay I'm back off the ledge. Going to see d19 this weekend for her court appearance so that ought to be super fun...nope, h does not know, per d19's request.

S31 said "h is GONE, mom." But it's not the first parenting thing I've done on my own.


Good riddance to lunacy.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: 25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4) [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2747552
06/19/17 04:04 PM
06/19/17 04:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,724
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kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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K
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Posts: 15,724
Quote:
Good riddance to lunacy

And negativity!

Honestly, once I realized how nice it was not walking on eggshells all the time, I started to get used to the idea of Ex being gone.

Re: 25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4) [Re: kml] #2747684
06/20/17 08:52 AM
06/20/17 08:52 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline OP
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25yearsmlc  Offline OP
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Posts: 13,511
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there is a lot to be said for not having eggshells.

I think maybe Accuray wrote about how we feel so out of control when this happens - that we think that we think we want our spouses back

but really we want our lives back. Right now there is so much fear and uncertainty.

The sooner I fully feel in charge of my own life the sooner I'll be at peace.

Even just thinking of how much less stress there is in my face, helps.

Looking forward to the finances being worked out (though I'm also fearful).

And moving on...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: 25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4) [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2747798
06/21/17 03:52 AM
06/21/17 03:52 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,724
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kml Offline
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,724
There's something I really enjoyed about having my finances back totally under my own control. Even though I, like you, was already the money manager in the house, it's nice to know what I'm working with and not having to worry about being derailed by erratic or impulsive decisions by the ex.

Check out the Mr Money Moustache blog. Good food for thought, even though I'm not that frugal at present, it's inspiring and gets me to think outside the box. (And it's clear that I COULD retire now if I chose to; I don't because I enjoy my work and want to be in a position to help my kids a bit. But it's a good feeling to know I have options.)

Re: 25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4) [Re: kml] #2747807
06/21/17 04:33 AM
06/21/17 04:33 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,985
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Ginger1 Offline
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I have serious love/hate relationship with social media. I have enjoyed it because my ex left in 2008 (when facebook began) and I was left alone, in our home that was about 45 min away from my friends with an infant. It kept my connected and not isolated.

Still does the same for me today. I enjoy the recipes and the funny memes and it sadly enough just makes me feel less alone.

I have found just about everyone is trying to create an illusion or portray a picture, whether or not it is true. I can point to some happy family pictures and know that one's H is an alcoholic, or that W is cheating on her H.......

Then I started to hae ex's of my own. I saw my exH's an OWW wedding picture with my baby girl on Social media and almost just died. I've been fortunate that anyone I have dated since my ex had accounts, but didn't really use them. But enough that an ex got tagged and I was able to find out that he was seeing someone else before we ended. It's enough that I have been going crazy over simply watching my exBF like posts of a firl who was jealous of us and treated us rudely. And to see he likes nothing of mine and has completely ignored me, when he liked everything I posted when we were dating. And I m admittedly guilty of posting to get a reaction from him sometimes.

I mean, come on, it sounds so ridiculous when you say it out loud. "he liked her post but not mine?" and that could rock a world and I can't quite wrap my head around the psychology of it.

I noticed the most stable couples are the ones who keep their R's off of social media. They have nothing to prove to the world. And usually, the ones who post like your H does is trying to prove something to HIMSELF, because HE is not entirely convinced.

Re: 25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4) [Re: Ginger1] #2747812
06/21/17 05:16 AM
06/21/17 05:16 AM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,769
Midwest
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DonH Offline
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DonH  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,769
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I think, and others agree, that this extends past Rs and to the person. It's all about "look at me" or "hear what I have to say". I rarely post on social media, as Ginger can attest. I even block others from posting on my page. But I'm a rather private person who would rather fly under the radar. Why does everyone need to know where I'm having lunch or whatever? I guess it looks like I lead a very boring life and never go anywhere. Not at all the case. I just rarely post about it.

I see friends who post all sorts of things about or with a new girlfriend or a new boyfriend. Then in a couple of months to half a year they break up and they go back and either delete or hide all of the posts after they break up. I can't tell you how common this is. Perhaps it's a "thing" and I just don't know it?

Yet, I do enjoy seeing what everyone else is up to. Where they are, what they are doing. Others say they enjoy hearing the same from me. I don't know, it's just not for me I guess.

I know I'll never get married again. Wonder if I'll ever change my FB status to "in a relationship"? That really would be a milestone for me!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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