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25 -

I am sorry to hear about D19's legal troubles. Let's hope the prosecutor, state's attorney, deputy district attorney, or whatever they are called in Boston has a good head on their shoulders and can discern a righteous case from a non-righteous one. From my perspective (btw, I am a prosecutor), your daughter's situation should be easy to untangle and the case dismissed. Unfortunately, you might have to wade through the process a little bit before it gets to that point.

As for dating, well, I can't offer you any words of wisdom on that one since I'm not there yet. So, for what it's worth, if all you want to do is dip your toe in to see how the water feels, I can't see how it could hurt. Maybe my view is to simplistic and not taking into account all the issues surrounding being a LBS, but a date is just a date. It's nothing more.

The events of the last eight months have been horribly unfair. I wish I could take you out for a pedicure and some drinks (and if you can't drink alcohol, then some good food instead). Please take care of yourself.

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Hello 25yearsmlc,

I'm so sorry that your D19 is in this legal trouble. Hopefully they get the guy! Keeping my fingers crossed that the tape will speak for itself and the charges against your D19 will be dropped. The silver lining is that you were there and able to help in her time of need. She'll remember that!

I wish you the very best.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Thanks everyone.

I appreciate the support, I really do.

Fight, yes I think the case will ultimately be dropped but as you say, it'll be several steps down the process b/c that's how it is. The court was packed for other cases and we had no opportunity to present any of our evidence to just get it dropped before arraignment. Ugh..

The name of the guy was in the paper and he was arrested, but did not show up for court. So there's a warrant for his arrest (and 2 other warrants out of state for the same type of charge. This is what this moron does). Oh, and yes d19 was on the front page with her name and our old address (thank God it's the old address).

My d19 still has to deal with this system and make sure her record ends up clean. Hey, maybe she'll decide to be a lawyer...
(um, now that I write that^^ out, I am feeling WORSE!)

Accuracy--

RE dating and my comment about "a 10 year 'waste of time'" was meant sarcastically b/c

if I were to have a R with someone of more than a few months, it would have to be meeting some of my needs or it would end. So a r of 10 years would be, by definition a good thing. IF it were to end badly, that would stink...but I will absolutely be more sensitive to issues and there will be NO rug sweeping again.

I agree that it doesn't take those of us over 30, all that long to get past the attraction factor to see what's a really authentic difference, versus minor issues (and I agree that we ALL have our issues, but we had them when we were 20, too. Maybe we were more flexible or still forming then).

But if there's a deal breaker anywhere in the r, then the deal is broken. I am at peace with knowing I'll never have invested the creation of a family and all the education we attained and the decades we spent together,

and thus, will not accept so much I don't want or need to, again.

Any lies, even small ones about being late "too much traffic, or the boss/friend delayed me", would end the r.


My h always took good care of his physique, (which I appreciated & said). I did too but a hurt knee did hinder my jogging, so I put on 10-15 lbs over the last decade. I'm not fat. As Objectively as I can say, I'm considered attractive. (The self esteem and ego have taken hits there, I admit. H was not subtle when he gave me a fitbit for my birthday and it's not something I asked for. Nice...)

But you'd think I was fat by hearing h. Anyhow, his latest diet regimen of the past 2-4 years, became another one of his eccentric obsessions. Without belaboring the point, he was simply a fanatic, giving out Paleo books to every family member and literally hiding disapproved foods, scowling at the "wrong" ones and asking for HIS dinner not to include key ingredients b/c his way was better and there was no real alternative. Like there was no room to agree to disagree, he'd act as if he was tolerating our wrongness.

It was hard for him not to comment on other people's weight - privately- but even people on TV, he could not help himself.. His OW is quite thin, btw.


He did some pretty weird things like putting all the grains up in a box I could not see or reach and when I discovered that I pointed out how weird and over the line that was but I didn't "reach him". And I didn't make a big deal out of that, which I NOW see as sooooo crazy.

I introduced him to 2 Ayn Rand books 8 years ago and instead of just reading them and appreciating them, he went hog wild and read ALL her books and then all the related books and accepted every single thing she wrote was gospel,

And Ayn Rand was an atheist and so, then h was an atheist.

Now, I'm pretty open minded about religion but I DO Have beliefs. If I were dating, I would not date an adamant atheist.

But I was married to a man who became one...yikes.

anyhow,

KML said something about not dating until I'm 100% sure I don't want a recon.

Is anyone ever truly sure they don't want their former spouse (the one they loved) back? I detest the vision of seeing my first grandchild and not being able to share it with the other grandparent.

Or their graduations and weddings...with OW?? Gross. And even when I'm with some OM, it'll be weird.

Knowing that h could have been honest with me a decade ago, and really work on himself and that WE COULD HAVE MADE IT WORK

but h did not do any work on himself. As far as I know, none...and I let that happen too.

2/3 of my life was as h's wife. H HAS CHANGED for sure, and our 3 kids saw this before I did.

I know, I know, "never say never."

But when i look realistically at who h has become, as far as I can tell he's got such a weird BS narrative that I didn't even know what his legal pleading was referring to in maybe 1/3 of it, and another 1/3 was just so weird and distorted, and the last 1/3 was whining...

So I don't really know when it happened b/c it's more insidious than you might think, like a liquid that seeps in around the door frame. And it is NOT all a linear thing (sometimes h was his old self and I'd feel a lot safer, then another change or rigid position would reveal itself)

but yeah, when I SEE HIM as he is now, and for the past X number of years, (B/c I don't know the exact year or number)

and the wreckage he has created and the pain he's inflicted on our family -

I just want to run from him. And protect my kids. So that's a pretty low chance of recon...

D28 told me today that she's dating someone AND that our divorce is affecting her more than she expected...so she's seeing a T now.

It's never painless for the kids, is it? They wanted me to file for D, and yet here they are, all 3 in pain.

S30 is taking on the father role with his sisters, and I don't know how I feel about that.

Proud, concerned, sorry, sad and relieved, angry...

how's that^^ for confused?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Cristy,

Thank You. And yes, despite the anguish of the weekend, I DO feel grateful to have been there for d19. I know she was grateful too.

I wanted to mention how few of her friends have the parental support that I THINK I provide, notwithstanding d19's complaints about the marital past.

Something in our country is going on that is NOT okay.

Way too many of d19's friends have parents who shoved their kids out the door saying "Good luck!" And maybe it's only her circle, but a LOT of them have non existent fathers or very distant dads...

It's obvious to me that connections exist between divorce (and or a bad marriage) and problems with our young adult children. We are passing on our baggage to them. Not a legacy.

Makes me sad. Just thought I'd throw that out.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Quote:
But you'd think I was fat by hearing h


My ex was a fat nazi too. Even when I was way underweight. Part of his OCD.

One of the things I like about Sociopathic Ex Boyfriend was that he embraced my curves, even when I started to gain weight due to some health issues. He insisted that he didn't care about my weight and that I still looked great. Sounds great, right? Nope, just a sociopath telling me what I wanted to hear. When he was high and raging during his drug relapse - the mask slipped and he called me fat.

Maybe I'll pick a chubby guy next time. Definitely no more OCD guys.
Note - I'm not happy about the recent weight gain myself. But prior to this - and throughout my marriage - I was never fat. Did I have curves? Yes - I'm built that way. Was I fat ? Not at all, only in the last two years ( and even now, most of the extra weight is in the right places).

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Hi -one of the things I have learned over the years is that everyone has a different perspective on life - mix of their personality, their own life events and their personal values. Hence what works for one person will not work at all for another.

However I do think that the key thing is functionality versus dysfunctionalality.

I live alone, and while I miss many aspects of a close relationship, emotionally and practically it suits me. What eventually works for you only you can discover, but a relationship is not a sticking plaster, and to treat it as such is both disrespectful to the other person and likely (imo) to attract another dysfunctional person into our lives. You know this, and I realise I am stating the blindingly obvious!



I think we need to bite on the bullet of loneliness: once we have worked through that we can see whether or not we actually want a relationship or just do not want to be alone.

Having lived in a close and loving relationship almost all my adult life, at first it was like a toothache. Hated it. Now I can see only positives. I see so many people in not very good relationships terrified of being alone. Clearly this is the better option for them, but to me it looks insane!

I also see some very happy and successful new relationships . . . .

What is a useful exercise is to spend some time thinking about how we got to where we are in our lives - whether there is a pattern of making the same type of decisions, and accommodations, and what we might want to do about this.

For me (and this relates very much to who I am and see the world) Trust is the big issue. I have tremendous trouble trusting anyone now.

In terms of getting into a functional relationship at present, the odds are against it, and that some delay might be good - but you may have the resilience to deal with that - some of us do and some do not.

The other thing is that I now have a great network of real friends - there are a lot of wonderful people out there on their own, independent, savvy and full of fun. I hang out with these people when I want company.

Will I meet anyone I want to be with - not likely now, and I am fine with that. Life is good. A plumber with great handyman skills and a large bank balance would be nice, but they would also need to like opera and foreign travel

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25,

After 35 years of M -- more than I've been alive -- I have no place to tell you this....in fact, I've been out drinking with the other officers, so...take it with several grains of salt...

However, I see you writing a LOT about H. I see a lot of excuses about why you can't date. Why you couldn't date someone if they did X, because then it would be over. I see fear. Granted, people are right to say you should date when you feel you are ready to date......BUT... I think it's probably one of those things where you never really feel ready and just have to jump in head-first.

I met a JAG recently -- my age -- she's very attractive, intelligent, etc. Oddly enough, I spent the afternoon with her today doing work stuff, but we started to get to know each other just a little bit. It's difficult to get her to laugh, but I found it is possible. She is very analytical, possibly as much or more than me! She views the world through her own lens, one that is fairly foreign to me.

Distraction? Perhaps.

But I'll tell you what, I feel much better thinking about the JAG right now than my selfish, cheating, W. As much as I love my W...there are some facts that you can't get around. And this is the guy who has forgiven her to the bottom of his heart saying this.

So...what's my point? Maybe you need to get out of your own way, if only just for a minute. Go on a date. Worst case you get a free dinner! Best case........free meals for life! I'm joking, but....seriously... I was not ready to date 3-4 days after BD or even 3-4 months after BD. My marriage meant the WORLD to me. She was THE ONE. THE F¨CKING ONE.

Or was she?

Because this boy had a nice time this afternoon with a girl...even if it was simply stupid work stuff.

So I think you should consider it, because the consequences are negligible...and who doesn't like free stuff?

V/R,
180

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[quote=180Man]25,

After 35 years of M -- more than I've been alive -- I have no place to tell you this....in fact, I've been out drinking with the other officers, so...take it with several grains of salt...

As You are about my son's age, & the sep is 7 months old, of course I take it with a pound of salt. cool


However, I see you writing a LOT about H. I see a lot of excuses about why you can't date.


Yes and no. On one hand, I have given too much headspace to h, and it's attached to money, mostly (I think). Or at least a lot is, due to making plans for my new life hinging a lot on finances. I live in a very pricey area right now, near family. I believe, which I can only prove with time and circumstance, that once the finances are clarified, I'll be along my way. Why? B/c h's behavior has been so wildly inappropriate, so uncalled for, that he's sort of jettisoned me thru a lot of the grief part. NOT all and some of this is like PTSD b/c it was so sudden (to me!) but I do not miss this guy.

As for excuses why not to date? That's funny to me. I'm not divorced yet, first of all.
I have 3 children.

In some ways this is like a death to me, (so would you ask a widow of a 35 year marriage to just start dating?)

I'm still reeling from a sudden family death, 2 moves including a cross country one, no kids at home for the first time in 30 years, a significant life altering health issue I didn't see coming, a new unknown career path, somewhere, and financial issues and oh, yeah, my h is very publicly "in a new R"...

What can I offer a OM? My hilarious wit, keen brilliance and great beauty, for an evening. Oh and my modesty (I think my greatest trait is modesty! cool)

I want to be kind and honest. I"m not sure the first few men I date (whom my T made me swear NOT to marry) are up for my "practice dating".

But who knows?


Why you couldn't date someone if they did X, because then it would be over. I see fear. Granted, people are right to say you should date when you feel you are ready to date......BUT... I think it's probably one of those things where you never really feel ready and just have to jump in head-first.

total disagreement here^^...No jumping in head first "where you never feel ready".

I think when I meet the guy who is interesting/interested, I'll know. And I'm 100% positive we will take it slowly b/c rushing in is how you waste time, ironically.

It's far more likely to be a waste of time, if you jump in. I look younger than my age but I am still 57. I figure I have 40 years left here (yes I have good genes) that I want to spend wisely, fully.

Except for the weirdness of ML to a new man after 37 years of being monogamous, which I guess is fear (but also other good things) it's that I want to use care with OM's heart and mine.

I don't want to waste more of my life and time on someone who isn't going to mean anything in the long run AND OR who will simply be "settling." As Beatrice mentioned the unhealthy dynamics she sees in other m's, I do too. 2 of my 3 sisters are in m's I would not want to be in. One of them is VERY unhappy but must/seems to prefer it to being alone.

I'm not there and don't want to be. I'd rather be alone than wish I were.

I have never lived alone before. Ever. This is a valuable experience.

I'm in no rush to fill that space. I have so much to learn about my own preferences and dreams and what causes me angst, apart from external factors.

As Beatrice suggested, there's a lot to be said for learning how to like being alone. It's only been 2 months but I DO like it. (To be fair, I do have a dog).
-

But I'll tell you what, I feel much better thinking about the JAG right now than my selfish, cheating, W. As much as I love my W...there are some facts that you can't get around. And this is the guy who has forgiven her to the bottom of his heart saying this.

I get ^^this.

But To be clear, I believe the man I loved and was married to for decades, is effectively dead. He's not coming back. Sure, of course I hope there will be a warming of R's with all of us, and a recon with our children b/c they need that (I think) and I know h does.

It'd be good for us to be cordial as we will have to see each other at least a few times...
Thats impossible , I THNK, while the div is going on as he's basically telling me to F--- off and saying the same to the court. In the long run that's just going to cost us and him, more.

OR I'm wrong and I'll be screwed. Time will tell.

While my ego hopes for a grand apology, it's not something I'm pinning anything on. Because of who he is now- which is NOT my problem, he's very unlikely to do much more than maybe mumble a moderate regret, once...

He made Too much wreckage to be able to look at, let alone try to repair.

So no, I'm not waiting for h to return. Nor am I ready to replace h.

STILL -- I do know a guy I'd LIKE to date someday, but I'm not ready to date him now. Yes, I know him now, but dating him at this point would be too reactive. That's what I was discussing on the thread earlier. He has traits I admire, which h eventually came to lack. He's attractive too.

But he's too good a catch to rush in with. Make sense? In fact if I could go back in time to recon with h 10 years ago, I wish we had pieced much more carefully.

For many here, the only goal is recon, NOT a restored m with intense piecing. H never did explore how he could rationalize what he'd done or what underlying crap was there to enable him to do so. And I didn't push it. Once his mom got sick, I let it go and hoped for the best, I guess.




So...what's my point? Maybe you need to get out of your own way, if only just for a minute. Go on a date. Worst case you get a free dinner! Best case........free meals for life! I'm joking, but....seriously... I was not ready to date 3-4 days after BD or even 3-4 months after BD. My marriage meant the WORLD to me. She was THE ONE. THE F¨CKING ONE.

Or was she?


We definitely just see time differently, 180. You are about my son's age.

but I appreciate the sentiments.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Posts: 13,511
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Wow, I just posted over my 12,000th post here.

I feel like there should be an award or promotion ceremony.

Just saying...

cool


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 188
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25,

I am slightly more sober now, I apologize for being so brazen. Very much understand what you're saying and I believe the words "head first" were a bit much on my part. I am not ready for any of these things, either, I know this -- so I completely understand what you're saying. I, too, must learn how to live alone because I have not done so in a long time. Not to be unfair to our dogs, but I don't think they count when it comes to this.

I was in no way trying to push you to start a long term R, but I can see that I wrote it poorly. I do think you should go on a date or two purely for the distraction of it. I say this simply because my distraction yesterday at work with the JAG was a nice surprise. I found myself not thinking about my W and our problems for once. One of the constant things I've battled is, despite significant efforts to get involved with something that would distract me from my M problems, I would routinely start thinking about it in the middle of whatever I was doing.

Go kart racing? Fun! Requires some level of focus. Did great for several laps and then I come around a corner and start thinking about my W. Uggghh. For this exact reason I have not resumed flying yet because I feared it would consume my thoughts at dangerous times -- I think I am ready to get back in the cockpit soon, I think yesterday showed me there is a light at the end of the tunnel and my mental canvas will not always be such a hindrance.

Go karts are just an example, I have tons from the last six months. It was just such a mental relief yesterday to finally not have that happen in my head and I want the same for you at some point.

So, in closing, I think you should invite the occasional distraction when you are ready (but I still suspect that we will not necessarily ever feel ready, sometimes Nike is right). Nothing long-term, of course, but having lunch or dinner with somebody whose mere presence will prevent you from bringing up the D topic (mentally or verbally) if only for an hour or two, may provide you with a nice mental break. Or, who knows, maybe go karts alone will do it for you!

Take care ((((25))))!


M-32 W-32 (both military)
T-8 M-6
PA Oct/Nov 16 (happened twice)
Discovered PA 11/30/16
S 12/1/16
MC 12/1/16 - 1/18/17
BD 1/18/17
A continues? 1/24/17 texts resume with W & OM
W Filed 3/8/17
W Deploys 7/17
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