You guys aren't going to beleive this 4

[AJM]

She currently has a boyfriend

And how does that make you feel? Does that take you closer to your goal? Your goal of being you? Authentic?

Something else I've thought about is how I can change myself into someone that others will approve of.

That's not getting you what you want, is it? Approval of others won't lead to your happiness. It'll lead to many heartaches. I get why you are that way. What I'm wondering is what you'll do to change that?

When I do give in and fix her issue, I expect her to do the same for me when I'm faced with a trial. How warped is that???

That is not warped. That's what a healthy relationship looks like, my friend. You have her back and she has yours. Same with your friends. Any relationship really. In their own way, your friends *should* have your back as you have theirs. Else it's not very healthy. It's then co-dependent or otherwise one-sided.

I don't want to swing too far in the other direction and become a jerk who wont lift a finger to help anyone because I don't want to be codependant.

I admire that. What you're describing, is balance. How much or how far is something you have to figure out, right? You're the one that gets to decide. Nobody else will live with the consequences of your choices. But you're in a cycle. To break the cycle, if that's what you want, means YOU have to change. You have to decide what and how much though.

Dear 25yearsmlc, I see that you don't agree.

I don't agree with not giving an inch. I also don't agree with being a doormat and not standing up for what you believe is right at any cost. There's a fine line there.
I'm not saying it's easy. I'm not saying it's possible in this relationship. But I am saying that regardless of what happens, you'll need to grow up and stand for something. You don't have the luxury of a choice at this point, at least in that regard. You have other choices. You must see something in what's going on that you're willing to endure the treatment. I don't know what that is, but you see it. The question is whether or not you have a choice?

I know when I was in your situation, I chose similarly. Right up until she remarried. Do I regret it? Nope. I tried everything I could to save the relationship. I had 20 years of being together and most of those were good. I gave the benefit of the doubt. Did it work? Depends how you look at it. She left. She remarried OM a few months after the divorce. She (of course) blamed me. 'Cause I have so much power But I learned. I've had several deep and meaningful relationships that didn't last. One such relationship? She got angry and cut off all communications with me. That lasted about 3 days. And for me, it was like a switch because I'm worth more than that. Later, she tried to apologize and come back - twice now.

Let me ask you. What happens if you continue to be supportive and available while she dates? Does she wake up one day and come running back? What happens if you're not available and she wants to come back? What happens if you grieve and move on with your life and years from now she wants to come back? What happens if you don't allow the spewing, the accusations, the lies, the bad behavior in your life?

What happens when you've had enough?

AJ

[25yearsmlc]

Dear 25yearsmlc, I see that you don't agree. But it worked for me. When I was going through my hard times I was on here all the time. The advice would often be of the strictest, most fundamentalist, "no, no, no, don't give an inch" type.


I don't think that's what I'm saying at all. Nor is it what I did 10 years ago. Just fyi


I followed as much of the advice as I could, particularly about being the lighthouse and GALing and such. But I was also kind and willing to consider that my WS was hurting, too.

I'll say it again, Thornton is good at this. He knows what's best for his situation. Good luck, Thorn.

[Thornton]

AJ - Honestly I don't see W dating anytime soon, I really don't. I know some people will tell me I'm being naive. But W is an avoidant, I can see her being single for the rest of her life just like her mother who is also an avoidant.

W came and chatted with me again last night after she got home. She wants me to remember how much she loves me and to not listen to my friends that tell me I should run and never look back. Her main concern is that once she leaves, I will erase her from my life. She said she has seen me do that with my previous ex's. I kept asking why does it matter? She responded that she truly thinks we have a shot at working on ourselves and re-connecting later. I told her I can't put my life on hold because then I'm not working on myself and that all I could worry about was today and not the future.

I'm not really sure what to make of all that ^^. She also kept reiterating that she was not "abandonining" me. She said I forced her out of the relationship when we had our argument, that I gave her no choice. Maybe that's how she really feels, that's her perception. But I disagree that I forced her to do anything. We had a fight and she consulted with her mother (who always rolls out the red carpet for W when she calls to complain about me), and she DECIDED to pick up and move 1,000 miles away without a job.

I find myself feeling more and more anxiety as her move date approaches. Honestly, the feeling is very similiar to when I was a kid when my sister passed away suddenly. When my sister died, I spent years in pain trying to make sense of it all. I think I'm scared I will go through that again when she leaves.

In the past, when a relationship would end, I would feel devestated and hurt but then I'd go out and find my next girlfriend and fall in love all over again. I never really processed my grief and sat with it. I'd slap a band-aid on it and dive into the new relationship.

I have no idea what to expect because as I've said in previous posts, I plan to lean into the pain this time.

[TxHubby]

When the going gets tough....run away. That seems to be the theme of her life. I see this is strike #3 on her. I hope for your sake that this time you call her "out" and move on for good. This is no way to live.

[Tryin2figuritout]

AJ - She said I forced her out of the relationship when we had our argument, that I gave her no choice. Maybe that's how she really feels, that's her perception. But I disagree that I forced her to do anything. We had a fight and she consulted with her mother (who always rolls out the red carpet for W when she calls to complain about me), and she DECIDED to pick up and move 1,000 miles away without a job.

Guilt transfer plain and simple. This is why she's saying this so she's not the guilty one and you are because you "gave her no choice". We all have choices and very little choices cannot be undone. It's all in what you do each and every day.

I know it's hard Thornton and I hope the best for you. Hang in there.

[Sotto]

Yes I agree - we all have choices all of the time. So, she didn't like the way you spoke to her. That's fair enough....so what might she have chosen to do?

Let you know that when you said X, she felt hurt, belittled, angry, upset - and ask you not to say that again.

Ask to talk to you about the argument that was had - and how you guys could better resolve disagreements on things.

Say to you - hey I think you, me, we might benefit from some therapy to help us better deal with this. I feel concerned about us deepening the R at this point - given what happened - but I don't want us to part..

She might have apologised for her part in the argument, and then you both calmly discuss what happened and move forward.

I'm sure there are further permutations..

So, I agree - the words 'forced me' and 'no choice' are her perceptions - she feels - I could not have done anything else, given all circumstances..and maybe she felt that strongly. But we all have choices nonetheless...

As for how you feel - it's not surprising. Part of you (part of all of us) remains that scared little child, and you don't want to go 'back there.' But you are better able to cope now - all grown up and more resourceful. You may find this difficult, but you will also be able to cope and move forward..

I certainly wouldn't give her any commitment to - yes what you hope for may work. I would let her go, keep moving forward and see where you are at in a little while. Because at this point nothing has really changed and (IMHO) you are still in 'unsustainable' territory...

Hope this helps anyway my friend

[Thornton]

Met with IC last night. Another good session. He wants me to start challenging myself to get out more (GAL) and striking up conversations with strangers. I can be an introverted aroound people I don't know. So I'll start working on that.

W came and had another R talk with me. She kept asking if I was dating anyone because I appear to be ok with things. She also mentioned being "together" one more time before she leaves. I don't think that's a good idea for me personally. It will probably just keep me attached.

I shared with my IC that I feel my anxiety building as we get closer to her move. It's becoming more and more real that she will be living 1,000 miles away. I'm not sure how I will handle that day. In the past when I had anxiety, I would talk to W about it. She was there for me. I won't be able to go to her for that anymore so I will have to rely on myself.

I'm hoping that with time, I will be able to start building my confidence again. I hate feeling like this, especially since I've been through this stuff a few times before.

[EastTN]

She also mentioned being "together" one more time before she leaves. I don't think that's a good idea for me personally. It will probably just keep me attached.

It will absolutely keep you attached. I can't imagine that being a good way to say goodbye, and if you don't think that's a good idea for you personally, then listen to yourself.

In the past when I had anxiety, I would talk to W about it. She was there for me. I won't be able to go to her for that anymore so I will have to rely on myself.

My W not being the one I could rely on to help me through this was the worst part for me.

The good news is that relying on yourself is a good thing. The BETTER news is that you have more than just yourself. You've got friends. You've got family. You have the people that inhabit this place that, while they aren't really friends, at least understand where you're coming from and want to help you and be there for you.

Hang in there, T. One foot in front of the other. Do that enough times, and you'll find that you've ended up where you're supposed to be.

[Thornton]

East - thanks for the encouragement.

Last night W stopped by my room once again. More tears. She started asking me if would ever consider moving to where she will be living. I told her I had no idea and that I had so many things to work on before I would consider moving anywhere.

She then goes on to tell me she wished she wouldn't have pulled the plug on our relationship so quickly after our argument but that it was too late now to change anything. She then started talking about how she has no plans to date and that I was "it" for her. I just listened.

Part of me thinks she doesnt want me, but she doesnt want anyone else to have me either. Who knows...

This is all so confusing to me. But Im slowly accepting what will be, will be. I dont have any control over any of this, so I'm trying my best to release it all.

[Tyler12]

Hey Thorn, hope all is well today.

Just wanted to throw something out there. When she "opens up" or tries to have an R talk, it sounds like you acknowledge and listen, which is great, I am curious if you respond and validate to be a better listener. For example when she said it's too late to turn back, you could acknowledge and validate her by saying, I can see how you could believe it's too far gone, would you be willing to share why you believe it's too late though?

Personally I wish I would have done that more, I avoided it tho because my tendency was to offer advice or try to fix it. Most people just want others to listen.

Hope today is an awesome day for you buddy. You are doing a great job.