You guys aren't going to beleive this 4

[Bdog37]

It is really something else, isn't it.... It's kinda like they become a totally different person.

Honestly, I don't think W really wants to go through with this. But I think she has demonized me to so many people that changing her mind would make her look really bad.

I actually called my STBEW out on this very thing. Like they have gone so far already so there is no turning back now. Like they don't want to look weak or something in the eyes of their friends and family members. Who knows though.

I explained that her decisions were hers. And the results of those decisions were her's to own. She didnt like that answer and stormed off slamming doors.

I calmly did the same thing and mine had about the same reaction. Of course, I didn't get an apology afterwards.

Basically, she's doing everything in her power to get me to react so she point the finger at me again. I haven't reacted to her at all in the last month in a half so I think she's running out of ammunition to support her decisions.

Good job! Keep up the good work!

[Thornton]

Interesting...

Just received a text from W.

"Sorry I made things worse last night. This all just hurts so much".

I'm starting to worry she might be on her way to a breakdown.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Thornton,

Try not to worry about her breakdown. Do you like her hurting, no, but do not carry that burden. It is her burden to carry.

She's right. It all hurts so much, but that's up to choices and decisions made. People have to lie in the beds they make and it is not your responsibility to fix it for them.

I understand being empathetic to it as it is painful, but only to a point can you show feelings without it negatively impacting you. You do not need that pain / burden / etc. as you've got enough going on.

It does NOT make you any less of a man or husband or partner to not worry. It's about protecting yourself.

All the best.

[Thornton]

That's great advice, Tryin. Thank you.

Honestly, I'm exhausted. It truly has been a roller coaster ride the past month and half. W goes from spewing venom at me to apologizing and saying she doesn't know how she can let me go.

[25yearsmlc]

Interesting...

Just received a text from W.

"Sorry I made things worse last night. This all just hurts so much".

I'm starting to worry she might be on her way to a breakdown.

Thornton - you have your stuff and she has hers.

My h is showing signs of stress and "nutty" behavior -that is PER HIS OWN L-

and my first impulse was concern FOR HIM...(co-dependent, much?)

We have been fired from our jobs, or at least, suspended. They have their sandboxes and we have ours. Our sandboxes are full, we have our own work to do, plus we are parents too.

How are your GAL activities and the rest of your life going?

[25yearsmlc]

Interesting...

Just received a text from W.

"Sorry I made things worse last night. This all just hurts so much".

I'm starting to worry she might be on her way to a breakdown.

Hey, it's not painless for anyone.

Yes she is in pain and she is inflicting some on you. But, what is it you think YOU can DO about HER problems & pain?

How about working on your own stuff, so you can be there for your d's and yourself? Are you still seeing an IC?

Being strong starts with self care for yourself (and yes, I promise to take my own advice)

[25yearsmlc]

If she did turn back and wanted to reconcile, what would be your non-negotiables?

Ie: how would you ensure you're not setting yourself up for another loop? Would your heart melt if there was a coffee shop re-run?

There needs to be some change in one of you for this to have a chance of working out IMHO...

THIS ^^^^^^^
so much of this sounds really familiar to your earlier posts and it's same old, same old.

If I had my recon to do over again, I'd make sure we both got IC, not just MC.

Plus I only saw what validated my choice to stay, so I overlooked a ton of crap that my kids now bring up as being lousy for them to see. A lot of that is on me, to a large extent.

Second, I'd have gotten some barometers to keep us on track or at least know when we were off track and how to get back on...

This ^^ takes time. I gave it my time, and we had 2 years apart. During that time, I used it for my own IC, but without h's involvement, I was flying blind to an extent.

Still, I was able to detach and that saved my sanity and helped me be present for my d's at home. I would like to hear much more about your d's, btw.

I don't see the^^ inner work happening with you guys. I'm so Sorry to say this but - I see you as simply running after your w, & tactically changing, and maybe reacting differently to her.

I thought calling your nods, "validating," for her was curious, btw. I mean, it sure beats over reacting I guess.

Maybe there's something healthier in between over reacting versus nodding...which you need an IC to help you with. How do you resolve conflicts with your d's?

But it seems as if it's always with a recon as the goal, not your own work for you or your d's.

I worry that your work is solely/mostly aimed at getting her back. Thus I'm not sure how it's helping you get stronger or to detach...or how real these changes are. I think if you two reconciled tomorrow, you'd be back here within a year. (I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, Thornton. Truly)

I'm concerned you are setting yourself up for either being pushed off her roller coaster

or getting back on.
- Your w cannot possibly be ready for a healthy m - with this many loops -and no plan to change.

Thornton I'm not sure you are ready either. The "concern she is having a breakdown" really hit me. You are looking at her text as very significant, never mind the behaviors that vary, and then inserting yourself as a possible asset or cure.

Thornton, I really support your efforts and goals. I hope you know that.

What can you do to become stronger and more detached?

Without true detachment, you are volunteering to be on her roller coaster and there are no brakes within reach.

[Thornton]

Great post, 25. Very thought provoking.

Honestly, I really dont know if I would take W back. I think part of me wants to see her reach out to me so that my ego isn't so bruised.

I'm starting to fantasize about my life without W. I told my IC that sometimes it scares me that I get excited about my future without W. Other times, I just miss her.

I also told my IC that my mind and my heart are at war right now. My heart wants W and misses her and all the laughs we shared. My mind tells me "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior" and to view this as a gift from W.

Look, I know honestly that W and I probably aren't meant to be. We've tried and tried and the same patterns eventually present themselves. But it's not so easy to truly let go.

W is still moving and I dont see her changing her mind. I need to accept that. I'm trying to get strong because I know one day she will reach out to me with regrets. And I hope by that time I have enough self esteem to consider myself first and what my needs are.

I'm sure I've probably painted this horrible picture of W with all the stories I've told all of you. But she isn't a bad person. In fact, she's very caring and loving. BUT, she has a lot of issues that I don't think she will ever admit to and/or confront. And she definately reacts quickly to her emotions and can make impulsive decisions. I honestly don't think she will ever change in that regard.

I'm slowly taking off my rose tinted glasses. W is a lovely person. A caring mother and friend. But she's not fit for a relationship (neither am I). My plan is to be single for at least a year. I will get my own place and try to get comfortable being by myself.

Thanks for the support.

[NYGal]

Hi Thornton, I haven't been on here in a long time but wanted to see how you're doing. You're a great (and handsome) guy, (and I know that because we've met, people, so it's true!)

You've been an inspiration to so many of us, and you continue to be that. Whatever happens, you're going to be happy. I know, it doesn't feel that way now. But those glimmers of hope about your new life? Go with that. Imagine a new relationship without all this baggage. A new person who thanks her lucky stars she found Thornton! Someone who might be just as sad as you are today, but eventually you'll find each other and be so happy!

I'm one of the lucky ones that got her person back, and we're doing well. But I have a friend who's dealing with so much ^^%@ from her STBX. She worked the DB program sort of, but this STBX has turned vicious and mean and selfish. Sometimes it's best to just let go, because they become tainted with all the pain they've caused. I'm a big supporter of DBing and I do believe Rs that have worked for years can and deserve the investment to try it again. But if it's just more and more pain, over and over? Let it go. Happiness IS out there.

XO

[AJM]

So much good advice. I rarely end up on here any longer, but saw your posts and read through the threads.

This stood out to me

Abuse is the trump card WAS's play to gain the immediate support from everyone around them for their decision. Instead of society challenging them on their decision to destroy a family, the WAS becomes a hero applauded for their strength in facing such a hard path for the betterment of their lives and to set a good example for their children. Because of this there are accusations of abuse of some type in almost every divorce and the definition has been watered down as has society's ability to hold people accountable for their decisions.

This doesn't mean all cries of abuse are false. It just means that not all cries of abuse are true either, and this is why people make that claim.

Yeah, it does happen that way. It's an easy out. And it reminds of a recent ex gf. At the time she left, she was upset and had lots going on. Her FOO sucked for sure (who's didn't by current standards? ) I met her just after her ex-fiancé was caught cheating and her mom had died. We dated for several years but at the end, she wanted out and left the state. Fast forward a couple of years and she wants to get back together. Her words, "I don't know how you stayed with me. I didn't like me!" What did I take from that? Her issues led her away. Not me.

Why does that come to mind? Because what I'm seeing in your posts makes me think it's your WAW's issues that are leading her away, not yours. The actions say that, not the words. It's the story that comes through in all your myriad of posts. And it's consistent.

I've been there though. It hurts. You try to fix it, or at least not be the bad guy. You get accused of all kinds of things and that slows you down while you evaluate them. Why evaluate them? Because you need to know for sure. And one by one, you figure them out.

I'm trying to tell you that you didn't break her and so cannot fix her or the relationship. Should you be angry? Yes. Should you be sad? Yes. For you and for her and for the kids. Grieve but let go. Until you do, you only hurt yourself and her. After that, she can deal with herself or not.

But one thing is very certain in your thread - you cannot make things ok for her. She has to do that. Whether it's now or ten years from now, she'll do it, too.

I'm slowly taking off my rose tinted glasses. W is a lovely person. A caring mother and friend. But she's not fit for a relationship (neither am I). My plan is to be single for at least a year. I will get my own place and try to get comfortable being by myself

She WAS a lovely person as far as you're concerned. She is not now. Not around you. But I strongly suggest you remember her that way as you move on. Dr Zeuss comes to mind when he says don't be sorry that it happened, but rather be glad it did. All of it happened - some good and some not so much. And while it is not what you wanted, it is what she seems to need in her life, as painful as it will be for all concerned.

Leave her to it. Honor that past relationship and move ahead with yourself. Respect yourself and the family, and do it with class and honor, but move ahead regardless of what she says.

Believe me, if she has an epiphany, she'll find a way to let you know and you can decide then.

Peace brother,

AJ