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job #2745432 06/01/17 07:48 PM
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KYH - I also see similarities in our spouses, even though one is a man and the other a woman.

Bttrfly - yes, things are definitely better this year. And sorry for your tears.

Sotto - yeah, I don't really want to put myself in any situation where projection surfaces. There's been a lot of it from him and much of what he thinks/says is very, very weird even by MLC standards. (And go for the crop top on casual Friday! Hah!)

Ciluzen - thank you for the insights and the wonderfully supportive post.

Roist - thanks for the check-in. I am okay. I am just thinking about what to do and when to do it. At times, I am surprised by how deep in la-la land h is and at times there are glimpses of the old him. More on that to follow.

Job - thank you for that advice. It would have never occurred to me to focus on him and the present. I would have thought he would be on the defensive. Not sure yet, when I will say something. Still mulling it over. As I said above, at times it feels too soon still. But at other times, I think: maybe he will hear pieces of what I say?

Here are some gems from life with the live-in.

Recently, h told us all that he should have gone to Mardi Gras while he was still young. Now he is too old. (Of course he said this out of the blue.) He was no monk when he was young so it just bummed me out that he is still on that "I should have partied more" bus. Lots of superficialty/immaturity still.

S13 made fun of h, telling him he is old. H agreed he was and said he really didn't care anymore. He seemed to mean it and it was nice to see some degree of acceptance for the inevitable. It was nice to see some dignified resignation.

He paid for something when we were out and told me expressly he was taking care of me in an exaggerated way. I didn't know what to make of it. It was like he didn't realize what he's done the past few years and just wanted me to know what a swell guy he is.

This one is weird. We were at a local tournament for s11. They were charging for parking at the gate. H and I were joking it was such a rip off as we go to games there every weekend without paying for parking. Well, h went through the gate (on purpose) without paying! So not like him. He used to be so honest down to the penny! As soon as he went through he said: "I don't know why I did that. That's not right." He dropped us off and went back and paid. He looked sheepish.

He sometimes texts me now. Every once in a while.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2745612 06/03/17 10:03 AM
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Thank you for being so open and honest. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone on this journey. Glad to hear he doesn't care that he is getting old. W says she is not going to grow old.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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HaWho, I find these insights into their behavior so fascinating. Mine has also been talking about getting old (he has the gray, thinning hair and beard to prove it).

The slightly criminal behavior is a bit interesting, but at least he was shocked by his own behavior and made it right.

OwnIt #2745636 06/03/17 03:20 PM
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Hi HW. The good old do I say something, do I not say something? In my case, it definitely left me feeling better to express myself, but not really sure it ever helped H with anything. I think of Raine saying we spend so much time worrying about what we do or don't do and how it will or will not effect our MLC'ER. It's exhausting! But I do believe it's part of the process we need to go through. I continue to admire the way you are moving through your journey and the way you think things out.

I hope you are having a nice weekend smile
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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HaWho- I am sorry for all that you've endured but I also have so much respect for you because this living situation must require an enormous amount of patience, restraint and resilience. I imagine that your emotions run the gamut every day. Please be kind to yourself and remember that your journey with your MLC spouse is more logistically complicated and that is bound to affect your life, and your emotions, in a more erratic manner. The tension must be calibrated differently when you are RA in your husband's dorm while mothering his children. Of course this student is not the guy you fell in love with so that adds to the confusion and the sorrow.

My H is a vanisher and you are correct - A catastrophic death without a body or any investigation. It leaves a gaping hole and collateral damage. One situation is not better though I'll confess it is easier knowing that we will have no awkward holidays or angry outbursts in front of our daughters. The silence can be deafening and I find myself thinking that if he had stayed we may have had a chance to reconcile. Vanishers are so removed and remote. Everything that connects you is ripped away and all you can do is try not to let the loss turn to anger because that doesn't honor your marriage and it will only hurt your children.

I guess you'll know your tipping point. You are very strong and you've acquired more insight than you realize. Time does move forward regardless of MLC. My point is that your children may be better if you all are under one roof but they are still growing up and one morning you might need to make a decision to leave rather than have them watch their father become disconnected from the family.

You will know.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.
― Maya Angelou



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Gordie - well, it's back and forth. It's definitely not like I can check that the aging issue is fixed.

Ownit - it is interesting to watch.

Hi Mleigh! Nice to hear from you and yeah, I agree that it may not matter that much what I say.

123Gwen - thanks for the nice post. I have tremendous respect for you and how you've pulled yourself up for you and your girls. You always have wise, compassionate advice.

Things are typically strange over here. I think I am now used to it. It's probably like someone who has settled into working at an insane asylum. The first year is probably a doozy. But after that? (Without batting an eye) yeah, that's Fred; he thinks he's an opera singing chimp.

Mostly want to note some of the MLC behaviors.

One night while we were at S11's game h wanted to check the game schedule for the following day. He asked to use my cell as his was in the car. (He did this once earlier in MLC and said the signal was weak and walked off with my phone. I saw him going through my stuff.) This time I hesitated and said nah, what do you need and I'll look it up. I have nothing to hide but it's a weird request given how much info. people have on their cells these days. Plus he just told me how what he does is none of his business. Well, then, likewise.

Last Friday he set it up to take the boys to get x, y and z. He asked me to come, too. I said sure as I had some errands to run also. That is the first time in 3 years that we have done something mundane like that on a weekend. Two years ago he couldn't be found on a Friday night. Last year he was in his room every Friday night.

He is sometimes listening to cheerful music like he used to do. And he is showing interest in historical stuff again.

As I mentioned months ago he wants to go away for a few days this summer. He mentioned it again. The boys were excited and I flew under the radar, staying silent. But then he asked if I was coming and I started to say "not sure" but he told me I had to as it was my birthday gift.

He is making plans as to what we will all do for Christmas. He told me he invited his brother and his family to meet us in x place. I know they won't come. His brother has a lot of fears, travel being at the top.

Meanwhile, h seems to be overcoming some fears. In the last few weeks, on several occasions he has mentioned how he used to worry so much about things and how he realizes there is no point. And it's true that he used to be a worrier about all sorts of things: natural disasters, break -ins, etc. I now realize it probably stems from not having a safe home as a kid. I mean, if your own home isn't safe, how can the world be? Living in New England and being left alone must have been scary. You can massive thunderstorms with crazy winds and hail. Snowstorms would dump several feet of snow in a matter of hours.

He is eating more of his old foods. He craves sugar a lot! And he's eating a lot of it.

As for me? I am okay. I am thinking a lot about things. This next part is a bit confessional. The other morning I rounded a corner while walking my dog. I nearly collided into a man walking his own dog. He startled me. I forwarded him my very friendly but big dog (120 lbs) was coming next. He asked if he was friendly. The dogs met and his dog was a little afraid at first. He had a mini collie. My dog is all black. So I told him someone once told me that some dogs have issues with black dogs. I said I thought it had to do with how big they look or shadow or something. Without missing a beat he said: "oh! I thought you were going to say it was a racism thing." I laughed at the wit and in a flash, gave a snobby accent and said "certainly not in THIS sort of neighborhood!" He laughed and we separated.

But, for the first time in years, it just really hit me that I really could have an altogether different life. I don't mean an affair! I mean something in the future; something strong and real.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2746414 06/10/17 03:49 PM
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HaWho,

It seems like you are in a better place with his craziness. I have wild swings. Some days I hate him so much and just want to file and get out of this mess. Other days I feel bad for him and worry how he will end up. Some days I even miss him. Those are the days that surprise me. It does feel like living in some scientific experiment.

Thank you so much for the comments about my H and the shopping. That really put things into perspective for me. I do think he was hungry at times. He has described a feast or famine situation growing up and he is very weird around food.

OwnIt #2746495 06/12/17 03:39 AM
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Hawho,

I am glad to hear that you are doing OK. I am also glad that you continue to see improvements in H. It is good that you can see them just as it is good that they are occurring.

In our situations we could easily blow off any such ent as being inconsequent and still not enough. But as you often do, compared to last year and the yearbefore there is significant improvement. Without even thinking about reconciliation that alone must make living together better.

You will need to decide about if you want to go away as he planed. I like that he insists you go. That could be for selfish mlc reasons but maybe he really does prefer you to go. Regardless you need to decide for yourself. Don't be pressured into having to go.

Michelle mentions the importance of family time in the connection process. I agree with her BUT maybe what your H needs is something different.
You leaving him to it for a long weekend alone with the boys would be very different from him and could help those cogs turn in his brain. But ultimately I urge you to do what is best for you.

Maybe you could also plan a weekend for you , as I am sure sometime without H and without your kids would be welcome.

I like that you realised you can have better. I am sure you will one day. I also remember you stating that only a small percentage of your life is not how you want it. Alas it is an important part but you are streets ahead of many here being happy with almost every other part of your life.

One final thought before I have to go, I would be careful about a tit for tat approach but you were IMO right to not give him your phone. To receive is not the same as giving, though he may not realise this at this point. But if he is waking up he may realise how he is treating you.

Got to go

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2747190 06/17/17 05:18 AM
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Nice to hear from you Ownit. I know you are having a rough go of it right now. Sending you positive karma.

Roist - thanks for all the great advice. I certainly don't mean to do a tit-for-tat with him. I do view it more as boundaries for me. He has said the relationship is over and that his life is none of my business. Well, then he doesn't get to look closely at me life either. You can't have it both ways.

This week s13 graduated from 8th grade and there was a ceremony at the school. H asked s what time it was at and left that morning. So I assumed we'd drive separately and also not sit together. 45 minutes beforehand h returned home. I was finishing getting ready. When I came downstairs he came out of the stinky dorm room and asked if I was ready to go. I said sure and acted as if. There was small talk in the car, a few laughs and some silences.

H has a prime account and he gave me the passcode a while back so that we could order off it. The password was created a few months ago and includes something about our family in it and even the number 4; looks like he included me, unless maybe the 4th person is the dog. Hah!

I had to return something s ordered so I was going through past orders. And the two most recent orders were 2 books mailed to h. The first is about controlling anxiety through meditation.

The second is about how to find happiness and peace in your life. This one is part self help and part meditation. The strategy seems to center on being happy with what you have, living in the moment and recognizing that happiness cannot be found by chasing things. Hmm. (According to the author this can all be reached within a few months through meditation and changing your perspective. It was delivered early June so looks like h will be all set by the end of the summer. Ha ha.)

Now h is not at all a self help/meditative sort of type. What is interesting is that there is a similar book on my nightstand. It was given to us all at work. As I mentioned my new company is very SoCal and there's a big focus on turning inward and even meditating at work! Wonder if h snooped and saw the book on my nightstand? In any case, maybe he is finally trying to figure things out?

One other small thing is that he often is out of his room on weekend mornings. He positions himself in a remote corner where you can't really see him. He talks to the kids.

Lately, I have hammered him hard. A few weeks ago, as I walked out one morning to walk the dog his window to his stinky room was open. I said "hello in there." He said "hello out there." I asked what he called it in there. He said his man cave. I said, "I think it's more like _____ Street" (name of his childhood street name. He was silent. When I came back from the walk he'd snapped the window shut and drawn the blinds. I thought of Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street. That character is DEFINITELY modeled off the live-in MLC male.

I've made other similar like comments, too mostly when he talks about staying young.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2747193 06/17/17 05:35 AM
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HaWho, in between women mine was reading a bunch of stoic books on finding happiness by accepting that you can't change things (don't bother trying to right your wrongs, just let go of them and be happy). He was also posting a lot of stuff on FB about being a better person. Now that he is in full on limerence with OW2 he is pretty quiet.

I'm the cause of my own misery at the moment. I need to follow your example. I keep expecting I can get mine to do what I want instead of accepting that he is only going to do what he is going to do. He is off now on a camping trip with my S for his 14th b'day. I hope that his dad can make it about him for two days.

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