(Sorry this gets rambling but I'll never post this if I require perfection)
This is so very hard to write. Yet in the interest of disclosure, and updating and for me, I need to write this. For years, this (Below) was my signature block
m:51 H:55 M: 30 yrs S25,D23,D15 H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005 I file Sep 2/06 Piecing 7/07 Retrovaille Weekend 8/08 M Restored 8/08
Be Happy or be "Right"
FORGIVENESS: Our way out of hell This^^ is no longer all of the story.
To summarize in the briefest of ways, I would add this, below ***** NOW
M:56 H-60 M: 35 years, S30, D28, D19
April 2016 - H announces he wants Alaska again, "Greatest Job Ever/Just give it a try"
May 2016 I learn of "lies by omission" - b/c he's been planning this awhile
July 2016 H denies wanting D, though I ask. But his pleas for me to join him morph into a "trial separation"
10/2/2016 I’m suddenly hospitalized while out of town for 6 days in ICU. H (MD) is nowhere but my family is, & they are appalled.
10/9/2016 H retrieves me & he's in a hurry to return to Alaska, we are intimate often.
10/13/2016 H leaves for Alaska, saying “we just need to reboot/take a break”. I'm in a haze with the meds and after effects of illness.
10/13/2016 I realize H limited my access to joint funds.
10/15/2016 H gives me radio silence when I text & call to discuss finances.
10/18/2016 I file for divorce. In response, H texts me in surprise & irritation. (Incredible)
10/31/2016 my family helps me move cross country to be near loved ones, where I grew up.
OW confirmed VERY soon thereafter. H claims he "met her the day after I filed" (I'm actually laughing as I write that).
Rather than filling all the details out, (which I’ll do later) let me first try to get through the DB highlights.
In HINDSIGHT
*Yes, I thought we were past this. Yes I felt we reconciled. I still think that. But reconciling does not mean staying married forever, obviously.
ALASKAN FIXATION
As the above history shows, about 10 years post reconciliation, my h pulled the same exact Alaskan “GREATEST JOB EVER, stuff again. It was a lot like Ground Hog day b/c he simply didn't have a new reasons and repeated- literally- the same points he made 10 years ago, almost none of which panned out.
I have to face it, he has an obsession about it and believes it's the only place he can be happy. Not Montana or Wyoming, etc, JUST THERE. And there are male mentors he admires who say he can "just walk in, turn key" big fish in a little pond, etc.
Not that it matters but yes, for the record, yes I offered to buy a summer place there and or live there part time.
Looking back, and considering h's pressure for me to "Be in the Senate" or somehow earn "more than him" as an MD, it's an insane expectation to be able to do anything part time there, and yet ALSO achieve his goals for me.
But my dreams had long blended into his so much that I sometimes couldn't remember what they were, apart from him.
And for those who don't know, I've lived up there for h, twice. No one else in our family enjoyed it nearly as much as h but believe me,
I have never GAL as much as I did there. I had to, or surrender to darkness (literally and figuratively).

It was mostly the dishonesty and manipulation in this new job arrangement, that eroded my trust in him, again. Without going into all the arguments for it and opposing it, since none of that matters now anyhow, suffice to say he lied, and he left.
For whatever reasons, I could not quite cut the cord to H even in the face of yet another episode. He was turning 60, he had turned 50 before (the first "MLC" and I use quotes around that term b/c I'm no longer sure it applies or freaking matters). And he turned 40 shortly before we went the first time...no pattern I'm sure.
A part of me wondered if this was some sort of episodic MLC or whatever. OR if h was testing me or b/c he was turning 60 and SUPPOSED to retire finally, here he was making nutty selfish choices, again.
Point is, I STILL vacillated. I could not wrap my brain around a 35 year marriage ending. Not after all the poverty we endured and then wealth and frankly, I could not believe I'd be "rewarded" for my loyalty and compassion, with another pile of this crap.
Down deep, I think ^^this really threw me for a loop. After all the real forgiveness I had felt, and given for me AND for our marriage, I couldn't believe he felt no loyalty or gratitude. I probably vacillated in part b/c of this, and a stubbornness AND fear, actually.
I can honestly say if h had a stroke, I'd have wiped his bottom till the day one of us passed away. But guess what? HE WILL NOT DO THE SAME...
H did not have my back when i really needed him most. I'm not a needy w. But when I I really did need him, he was not there.
I will NOT refer to this as an "MLC" b/c it's far more likely a pattern of behavior that (although not entirely consistent with MLC), is irrelevant.
AND the bottoms line is now, that ultimately H has decided his needs are now brazenly the only thing that matter to him. Here is what I know...
Possibly the only upside of having a neurological event that leaves you feeling terrified, very foggy, with some unclear thinking, & new unpleasant but temporary lifestyle changes,
and waking up and seeing all of your family and friends from elementary school, around you with love and support and concern...MINUS your MD husband... it clarifies things for you.

This ^^ was like lightning struck… b/c suddenly it was so clear that H was NOT a man I could rely on, even when it was really truly important. My family was appalled. I was hurt, but I became very resolute as well. His indifference or discomfort or guilt or whatever, was something I could not have in my life anymore. Maybe he'd change, I wondered, but there were other things in him that had become increasingly difficult (the election made him FURIOUS, though not at me. Just a real drag to be around).
H now posts on FB with his "new honey" and how he wants to introduce her to his family. Wow, we are still married. OUR children are not very excited. But the long time friends and nieces and nephews were "shocked".
Thank GOD I was warned not to go on fb that day.
I have since blocked him (but before hand I had not looked at his page more than once).
Before going to the "lessons I've learned AND OR AM learning", I will mention a thing about divorce itself...
it's worse than I thought in some ways, but it can be better in others. Money issues aside, though they matter.
It's worse b/c H has dropped off the planet since we now have NO contact with each other now. This is very expensive as it means lawyers for every single thing.
But H is so conflict avoidant (or cowardly dishonest?) that he avoids even texting me to say a check was written or a bill paid. So I have to look at the bank online to see if something magically happened that day.
So in a way it's like a death, only no one is giving me food or life insurance proceeds.
It's worse in that h is fighting me on nearly everything, and has cancelled policies (against court orders) threatened to quit his job or really did, just to avoid paying, and just been unexpectedly crappy.
We no longer have real estate now and no custody issues so it's all about the numbers.
At the start He nagged and nagged me to "mediate this". He was incredulous I would not say anything but to "use the formula in the law."
I know how h is, and his "offer" seems to be the minimum amount required by law. Not very tempting. Especially due to my recent medical misadventure.
Of course the OW adds a nice piece to all this (like a turd on top of a $h1t cake,
and he's absolutely flaunting and over compensating. He's 60 and talking like a teenager - and those are words from my teenager niece. Unfortunately she saw his fb posts too....
Seeing money spent on him and his present life away, hurts but is not really a divorce issue per se. I mean, I've had fun with friends and that's b/c I'm not going into hibernation. (No, I'm not dating yet. Someday I will). So I suppose it would go both ways.
ANYHOW
UPSIDES to divorce...don't scoff or wince, I'm telling you there are some and I'm not even done with it. I don't "like" it, but I'm learning about dealing with what is AND by extension,
what is better without him. When I really face the negatives of marriage to h, it's bittersweet b/c it means I put up with things that made me unhappy and realistically would have always had to do so. H needed admiration to a point that no wife could sustain long term. I know his LL is words of affirmation and I literally complimented him every single day. He'd ASK me how he looked, he'd tell me his cholesterol levels and weight and how many push ups he had done, etc. I'm shaking my head now b/c it sounds so narcissistic and yet, there I was...
Once the D is settled and I know exactly what my budget is, here are upsides
1) removing negatives of h. When honest with myself, it's almost embarrassing to see what I must have hidden from. But he was very controlling and critical the least few years...
2) Find work that matters to ME (not what are the best hours for the kids, must have no nights and weekends, etc)
and for the first time in my adult life
NOT factor in h or 3 children into the job I do OR Places I go.
NOT factor my 3 lovely children in where I live for best schools, closest to their activities, etc. (Someday when I'm a grandma, that can change and it'll be because I want it to.)
I am decorating my condo the way I like it. No, it's not the huge home H and I bought in 2004, in which h spent so little time. But it's to MY taste.
It's smaller but gosh it's a lot easier for ME to maintain. There is room for my children when they visit and it's in an urban area for my first time. (I'm basically an urban hipster now)
I will travel when I want to and where I want to, with or without a companion. For sure it'll be without the endless constraints of H's work.
Without h, someday I will be available to meet a man who would have my back, and my needs would be met in the new R.
AND OR I will be happy with many friends and family members and hobbies and meaningful work.
I am hurt of course. But most days, I am at peace. I am healing.
Because I do know, deep down, that I will be alright. And that gives me peace and some healing, right now. The faith that this gets better is a must and it really is true.
I've said 100 times that "grief/healing is not a linear process".
I'm really taking this^^ in every day.
You WILL make progress and you WILL backslide. We are all human.
I have given out GAL advice and detachment advice, probably 1000 times.
So I am taking my own advice (easier said than done sometimes).
But I can't see another way around healing long term, other than to GAL to detach. I just don't have one.
A new R is not GAL and feels insane to me right now, since it's blatantly reactive. Not really fair to the OP either. (Unless you mean a "How Stella Got her Groove Back" type of r, which - hey, you never know).
Sometimes we are in too much pain to move much. Or we are obsessing and OR we can't sleep. I still say GAL helps, but for when you "just can't"...
Here are some "first aid" things that have helped me and may help you.
Pray to whomever you perceive as being there for you. For me, it's God. And sometimes I reach out to my deceased parents (just in case they have some pull )
Incidentally, in my case, I do NOT pray for reconciliation. (I did 10 years ago, but I don't now.)
I pray for guidance & strength to face whatever comes, and to set a good example for my children.
I thank God for the fact that I'm here, I'm alive, and I have love in my life.
If I were the real WAS (even though some would argue that I am b/c I filed), or if I felt that I had really mostly caused the end of the m,
yes I might well pray for reconciliation but the road to recon would be the same. Guidance, strength to do the right thing and setting a good example for my children. So the prayer would be essentially similar.
* Somewhere in there, forgiveness would play a huge role but I can't even go there at the moment.
Other first aids, ranting to a few SAFE DISCREET people like my sisters or closest friends who encourage and don't add to the anger.
I listen to or watch Helpful pieces on healing & happiness and grief. Not angry stuff b/c that would consume ME and I cannot tolerate intense anger in a healthy way, for very long.
At this point it feels like anger would reduce the number of my years on this planet. I mean that.
A shockingly helpful podcast/TED Talk (which I chose to help me sleep!) was about the "subjunctive" and I thought it would be about grammar I was wrong. !
Instead, it was a Vietnamese refugee who came to America and learned the terms "would have/could have/should have" which are NOT in his native tongue OR in his culture.
And because of those words or because of our tendencies, those terms exist,
he researched about how our western culture does a lot more ruminating than his.
So, though we must learn from our mistakes or be bound to repeat them, we must also learn to accept what is, and to move forward.
I woke up to listen to it again. Talk about a divine sign!
*Watching the TED Talks about positive psychology by Sean Achor and Amy Cuddy are wildly popular and useful short pieces on how to become happier. There's real data out there that shows even the simplest tweaks, done consistently, we can feel better faster.
The film "Happy" is a documentary with good research behind it. On netflix I think.
Talks about how people who are fundamentally happy, are affected by adversity and heartbreak just like others - but we bounce back faster.
Why? How? Because most of our happiness long term, really is within our control. The film is very worth watching.
The happiest people in our world are those who focus on intrinsic values (not extrinsic) and it's about
1) meaningful connections with others who are actively in their lives, (friends, family, a sense of belonging)
a sense of purpose in your work or life, and
a belief that you are a good person inherently.
(If you have unresolved issues from childhood that undermine your belief that you deserve happiness, that's something you can work on!)
This does not mean living under a bridge is fine, b/c your buddies are there.
No, it's true that basic needs and some financial security do matter. You have to pay rent.
But once the basics of shelter and food are attained, research shows that then doubling your salary does NOT double your happiness.
VERSUS Unhappy people, e.g. MLCers, serial WAS's or serial adulterers,
are looking for "more prestige/status" and validation from others,
more money or professional success/achievement, and more admiration/popularity.
None of that comes from within them, and if they choose the wrong people to need it from,
or if they are true narcissist, then woe to those who marry them.
You will never be enough to them, but you really are enough, for you. And if you are not, then you will be, b/c you are reading on a site like this, to get you there
Div Busting can and does work. But as Jack3beans once said, it's mostly for US, and sometimes it really helps a marriage.
If I knew 10 years ago, what I know now would I do things differently? YES.
Would I DB?...yes.
It's the post recon that I would do very differently...the TRUE PIECING is when both parties say and mean they want the marriage to succeed. Piecing is not when the WAS makes an overture or when the LBSer starts DBing and sees some progress.
Real piecing is when both partners are putting both feet back into the marriage or into a new better one.
You must come up with tools to make sure things are different and better. Or they will revert.
Both h and I said we wanted to remain m, and when we were at Retrovaille I believe we both meant it. H seemed to have a painful breakthrough and at the moment I know he really saw the damage he had done.
Perhaps it was too hard for h to feel such remorse b/c it borders on shame and in my h's case, shame always always reverted to blame. But his mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer around that time and the whole piecing seemed to recede b/c we were reconciled and now it was all about his mother...
But imo, Piecing, reconciling, new tools - nothing, not even a religious experience, can help you long term, if you don't keep at it.
Permanent changes you both agree to, will need to be made. I'm not just discussing transparency or things about adultery. In fact, I'm mostly referring to better conflict resolution.
If you do not BOTH learn to become comfortable "enough" with uncomfortable topics, one or both of you will withhold information the other needs, and one or both of you will resent the other.
And that ^^ innocuous sounding "conflict avoidance" builds within, and erodes the marriage.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Real piecing is when both partners are putting both feet back into the marriage or into a new better one.
You must come up with tools to make sure things are different and better. Or they will revert.
In fact, I'm mostly referring to better conflict resolution.
Oh - 25 I am so sorry to hear this - although I knew that you had moved cross country - and since you started posting again I suspected something like this was happening.
So I read a lot of the above book but I will have to re-read it again to follow it all.
Do you think your husband ever finished his MLC and really recovered or has he just reverted to this strange behavior all over again? Do you really think that conflict resolution would have kept this from happening?
I must admit some of the other reconciled people I know have had similar things happen. Having met J3B last fall, I can tell you he was not really fully reconciled either. His wife still had issues for sure.
Well I send my best and hope you can keep moving forward in whats best for YOU!
Yes, there were triggering events in the decade that followed our reconciliation, like both our mothers dying, and a brief deployment of his, several puzzling behaviors, his comments about financial fears he mostly created.
I’m just not sure those^^ matter b/c the triggering events happen to all of us in life.
H barely dealt with his mother's death beyond a few visits and the funeral week. But had ALL her furniture shipped to us and stored, rather than HE go through it. 7 years later...still in storage and now my children and I get to do it.
Losing my mom suddenly was the worst thing that ever happened to me. We dropped our youngest off at college the same month, so for the first time in 30 years I had no child at home, and had lost the role of daughter. Plus, side note, we were an hour from the d's college when we heard a gunshot and came upon a murder victim. Very surreal and horrible.
Then we moved 2 weeks later to a place where I had no friends but h had worked for 3 years. All so he could "finally" get his pension.
This 6 week period in my life made me reel. H was pretty mediocre. Not horrible but just not particularly kind. After Christmas (my mom's birthday) I was functioning pretty well and looking for work as it was "MY turn" since H was retiring soon...or so he said.
Look, I can go on with details about how he said one thing but did another...I literally could write that for a week, which is why it's taken me so long to put this out here!
10 years ago I spent way way too much time asking why or how he could do this.
I spent way too much time wondering what the he11 h was doing/planning/feeling/thinking…or what I had done.
I don’t have that kind of time to waste anymore. And there truly are NO "Good" answers.
SO- I will spend a certain amount of time per day (and then per week and then not at all) looking at what I could do differently if I had it all to do over again.
And I will ONLY spend a certain amount of time per day (and then every other day and then every week and eventually only a few times a year),
allowing myself to mourn the loss of a long marriage. I will enjoy and embrace my new life. I know I will do this b/c The alternative is unacceptable
DIVORCE BUSTING
NO I can’t say I did anything “wrong” in DBing. In fact, I don’t have regrets there. We did reconcile and without DBing, the marriage would have ended 10 years ago. Would that have been better for me? MAYBE....I'd be 10 years younger, so who knows?
What I do know is that our daughters wanted very badly not to move again. I am responsible for achieving that by DBing. They have friends they knew for 10 of their formative years and to whom they're still close. That's a win.
MLC? MAYBE H is just not who he once was, or who I thought he was and regardless, he's not the spouse for me. I honestly no longer care about the terms "MLC" very much. A little, but not much.
I truly thought H & I were past the Alaskan obsession, & maybe we were past it or it was just dormant. Or maybe he was eventually faking and biding his time for 10 years.
***OR MAYBE we reconciled as I thought- but the underlying issues in our marriage and or in him, were not fully explored AND resolved.
I tend to think this^^, at the moment.
A few months after reconciling and attending Retrovaille, (Which was a great thing) H’s mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
In retrospect, we should have somehow 
“checked in” more often. I recall h being very irritable back then, post recon, but I didn’t want to push too much when his mother was dying.
I distinctly recall telling a DB friend that I didn’t want to kick h when he was down. So I realize I let a lot slide. NOT saying I should have made h pay or suffer more to reconcile, at all. That's destructive. I do not believe in being punitive. That's just not our jobs.
However I sure wish we had explored the roots of it more, once we had established piecing. It's as if I had Not gotten any real "marriage insurance", which does not ever ever guarantee a lasting m, but would not have hurt.
By that, I mean some sort of barometer to check in and to regularly ask about the r, without being negative. Just because h didn't bring up Alaska again (the financial arrangement up there was NOT what he envisioned and our family finances took a hit we never really recovered from).
I never once threw that in his face, but it spoke for itself. In retrospect, I wonder if H blamed me?)
Anyway he often seemed restless and created chaos in the home. Gone "commuting" for most of the years in the past decade and that is POST reconciliation. UGH, I am mortified just to write that. And of course our youngest d19 feels unloved by h. How can she not?
And his conflict resolution skills only briefly improved but when I disagreed, he almost always got his way anyhow (I actually cannot think of when things went my way but I'll spot him a few).
When I filed for divorce, I had been put in an impossible situation. H was up in Alaska pretending or even believing I’d join him later. Or not caring b/c he saw Other women around.
But I overheard him telling one employer I'd be joining him "as soon as our daughter returns to college". Which was a total lie. Why lie ABOUT me? Bad enough to lie TO me.
Who knows? Who cares?
Here is what I do know.
1) I could not DB to reconcile again. For ME, it was a once in a lifetime thing. DBing for me? Yes
That doesn't mean I'm not GAL or detaching.
As for any hope of reconciling. Hey, I say "never say never" all the time.
So while I am Not saying that H could not radically change & wake up or find some weird explanation for all this from all his childhood issues (dad was alcoholic military and mother was mentally ill but loving) --- I’m saying I cannot & do not expect it. I cannot wait for it. I am not positive I want that. Because for this Crap to happen again, means he’s not the man he once was OR he never was.
Realistically It would take so much change in him & actual brave inner work, to arrive to a place where I'd even consider trusting him, is just not realistic. It's not about punishing him, it's about me only wanting trustworthy people in my life.
Plus, if he showed up on my door tomorrow, I'd know it had not happened. It's the type of work that years of effort require. And he's too proud. …
The TIME MACHINE WE ALL WISH WE HAD
When I say I miss him, other than day to day things I know we both enjoyed b/c in many many ways we were well suited...what I really am mourning
is 1 of 2 things.
1) The past
It's as if I want a time machine to go back to what we once had, b/c it was damn good. And for years I held onto what we once had b/c I believed we could get there again...so I missed the past marriage. Some folks don't really have that, but they miss something else.
AND OR
2) the hoped for future - I missed what I felt we were going to have, what I hoped we'd have. Traveling in our retirement years (which we could be doing now, btw) sharing hobbies, building a lovely home...visiting our children...
But what our marriage had actually become, and the behavior and contempt with which h treated me much more recently, is totally unacceptable. I doubt h would ever file for D. Too "conflict avoidant" and it won't play well with his victim image. So without a time machine to go backwards to what was, back then,
or forward to what MIGHT have been, is impossible.
And frankly, the future I hoped for was unlikely to happen with the man my h had become, anyhow.
H is endlessly restless like some but not all, doctors. Always striving, never arriving.
H has something to prove, to God knows who. But that's his sandbox, not mine.
Finally, (for now at least) our children saw h's recent fb posts about the great OW.
S30 was concerned for me & reached out about how I was feeling. Also says his dad is "mentally ill, substitutes his own reality for ours"...(And I'm so co-dependent my first reaction to that was of concern for h!! SMH)
Anyhow, I chose to be authentic but reassuring b/c this is my son. I said I was "very surprised & disappointed. But I'll be fine in time. No worries"
Our son's reply - "Mom, yes you will be fine. Say Good riddance to lunacy.
You are bound for so much more happiness now, than you would be otherwise."
Though bittersweet to hear from my our son, this^^ actually helps me a lot. I think it's true about my happiness being more than what it would have likely been.
My happiness now does not have to revolve around the shifting goals of h and what MIGHT make him less restless or more content...
sorry for the length of this
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Real piecing is when both partners are putting both feet back into the marriage or into a new better one.
You must come up with tools to make sure things are different and better. Or they will revert.
In fact, I'm mostly referring to better conflict resolution.
Oh - 25 I am so sorry to hear this - although I knew that you had moved cross country - and since you started posting again I suspected something like this was happening.
So I read a lot of the above book but I will have to re-read it again to follow it all. Do you think your husband ever finished his MLC and really recovered or has he just reverted to this strange behavior all over again? Hi Cadet,
It's extremely hard to be objective about this^^. Because I do see and hear from family members things they noticed, now that I did not really take in before. Things have been said to me like "no offense but your h was always selfish, h was oblivious to other's feelings, h outsourced empathy to you"...
I do know that While active duty, the military moves you so often you don't get a chance to be restless. H grew up in a military family so in a way he maybe addicted to chaos b/c he so very often created it in our lives.
The "MLC" of Alaska the first time, was such an epic fail for him, I'm sure he was mortified.
But it was his mother' illness that got us out of there so he never had to openly tell his heroes they had let him down or he had mishandled anything. No real resolution.
Do you really think that conflict resolution would have kept this from happening?
Real Conflict resolution ? Specifying the lessons learned and how to avoid the mistakes again, would for sure have helped.
Conflict resolution itself?? Well I think so - The past 10 years at least, When he didn't get his way he either fumed about it till we caved, or deceived and got his way anyhow, or openly got his way anyhow and called it something else. He did compromise before we had lived in Alaska. Sometimes I wish we had never gone but I can honestly say that agreeing to that assignment was, at the time, the most loving thing I had ever done for someone.
So maybe the question is, what if I had learned to enforce boundaries earlier?
What if h had learned how to be content with the glorious family & life we had created?? What if he had not lost his religious faith?
Yes, those^ things would have made a difference to all of our family.
Also, sidnenote - when you truly believe down deep that you are a good person who deserves love, but you screw up, you just own it.
You apologize partly b/c you know that admitting a mistake does not make you a loser.
Somehow h never really acted as if he believed ^^This. The only mistakes he ever admitted to were the smallest of things like not setting the alarm right. Nothing that hurt someone was admitted, that I can recall at the moment. Looking back, that seems really significant. Plus, when I apologized for something, it rarely calmed him.
But like I said, it's extremely difficult to be objective at the moment. I know a lot of what did NOT help and perhaps by practicing DB, we lasted longer.
Still, I feel like we really made breakthroughs in Retrovaille and there was such a closeness and openness and forgiveness then.
I probably held onto those moments of clarity too long.
On our 34th anniversary h made a toast to me and thanked me for all my sacrifices and he began to cry (h was not a crier). He hugged me and kept saying "i'm so so sorry".
I was touched although taken aback. He also talked of how the next move would be my turn. This was another moment of clarity that I held onto...for too long.
Then my mom died the next day. So, who knows? It's like the moments of painful clarity he had, somehow always raised shame in him
and that shame thing, for my h, was absolutely too much. From what I recall, whenever guilt or remorse lasted in him for more than a minute, or that was not immediately fully forgiven & forgotten,
always always converted into blame. You could not discuss how we (or he) would not repeat it b/c of the damage done, you just had to accept his one sentence apology like the one he gave our d for missing 2 years of her life. A "sorry I missed so much. But I'm here now", which did not appease her feelings of being unloved, very much.
I must admit some of the other reconciled people I know have had similar things happen. Having met J3B last fall, I can tell you he was not really fully reconciled either. His wife still had issues for sure. J3B and I were in contact a lot and his words of support then, would echo now. They would be what my own journal from 2007 said. "IF this happens again, walk away and don't look back." I miss J3B.
And It's the not looking back that is much harder than I thought.
Well I send my best and hope you can keep moving forward in whats best for YOU!
Reading my own notes from long ago, helps me move forward possibly more than anything else.
This place has value no matter what happens to the marriage itself.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you. I've been sad about it. Resolute, but also very sad.
More than one person says h is ill, "gone rogue" or just super selfish. He was darn mean after i was sick. Just ugly. And for nothing, so I knew he was out, no matter what else he said when asked. And it was incredibly clarifying as to what I had to do.
He's either mentally ill but functioning, or an actual narcissist (which, btw, does not reflect well on me or make me a victim)
or he became a person who says nothing that bothers him and then lashes out and leaves but never ever really owns that he's actually doing the leaving. That would not look good. So he practically dared me to file for D.
Irrelevant. As for that^^, my S30's comment "Good riddance to lunacy" is a mantra.
That^^ is his sandbox and I have my own sandbox to work on, b/c I am absolutely flawed.
I don't think I "wasted" 10 years with him (which would stink)-
but factoring him at all in my life's choices now, would be a waste.
For purposes of choosing my next move, it will be with the idea that he's passed away or on Mars.
H simply cannot factor in or I'll be reacting to him the rest of my life. Been there, done that.
And I am mostly at peace. Regrets? Sure. Financial worries? Some.
But increasingly I feel release from that weird sick feeling you get about a m, like what are they REALLY thinking but you ask and they don't say and you feel uneasy...well,
he IS gone and I am still alive. I don't have to wonder anymore. And my children and family still love me. I can eat gluten again, Do volunteer work that h would've treated dismissively.
Sometimes, more often lately, I get excited about my future without him
Yikes, ^ That statement itself is a little sad, but I'm not dealing with "Shoulda/coulda/woulda" (the "subjunctives") anymore.
The divorce itself stinks and is incredibly distressing. Really. But it won't last forever. (Right??) This is where I am now. So what's next?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
When I say I miss him, other than day to day things I know we both enjoyed b/c in many many ways we were well suited...what I really am mourning is 1 of 2 things.
1) The past
It's as if I want a time machine to go back to what we once had, b/c it was damn good. And for years I held onto what we once had b/c I believed we could get there again...so I missed the past marriage. Some folks don't really have that, but they miss something else.
AND OR
2) the hoped for future - I missed what I felt we were going to have, what I hoped we'd have. Traveling in our retirement years (which we could be doing now, btw) sharing hobbies, building a lovely home...visiting our children...
Good lord....that ^^^ makes War and Peace look like a Reader's Digest story....
Whew...
: )
Ya know what ??
I would be a lot more worried about you if you didn't feel that way..
I think the key is, that you should miss those things. And I think that it's pretty normal to see them in that way.
See them for what they were, and still are without distorting an entire relationship together. Try not to demonize him to justify the decisions that you are making now. And I don't think that you are. It just becomes too terribly easy to use that anger as a diving platform to get from the kiddie pool to the big girl pool, ya know ?
I was telling someone the other day, that even after almost 10 years, I still try to honor my wedding vows.
I still love the girl that I married and walked down the aisle to me. There will always be a special place for her, regardless what has transpired between us.
I still choose to honor her, by not talking schidt about her, and being okay with her choices, and generally living a good life for myself
I still cherish the memories that we made together, and the children that I am a Father to that are one half of her...to dis-respect her, is to disrespect half of them too.
I get asked a lot about forgiveness...
I'm not sure that ^^^ is it, but somehow, I feel that it's pretty close..
Maybe it's a combination of acceptance and forgiveness...
I have been waiting for this post, but also dreading it, because I had a gut feeling this was coming. And you know what I have learned from this DB life? That my gut knows best. Sigh.
My heart raced as I read this because 1. It aches for you and what you have endured (you are an incredible woman who deserves all the good in life), and 2. I see so much of my story in yours. There are many details I have not included, but we have a lot in common and we think very much alike! ... So admittedly I think I have lost some faith in my M, I am sad to say, but I have.
I started reading here about 3 years ago and I remember your posts--your strength, your intellect, how you worded things, and the advice in itself was golden--and more than what you shared, but that you gave me hope. So I want to thank you for that and for getting me through so many hard, and terribly painful, days.
And you still give me hope. As you so eloquently outline here: DB is for us before saving our M. I believe that wholeheartedly. Even though I am still very much in the piecing stages, I think it's something we all need to understand and accept. It's taken me years to get here.
Thank you, 25, for everything. I am so sorry for how things turned out and for the loss of a dream. I just know that there is something "better" for you. I know you will find it and thrive, and maybe much more so than if he had stayed.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
