I agree with the others Thornton. don't spend too much valuable time on stuff like that. The aim is steady as she goes whether she is being nice or nasty..
Hope you had a better day yesterday :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I went and had drinks with a friend after work and had a good time. It was nice to not think about my sitch for a few hours.
I came home and WAW was back to being standoffish. I ignored it and ended up watching a movie and going to bed.
I'm trying my best to detach and to get myself to accept that our R is over and that she is really moving away in a month or two. It doesn't seem real, I'm sure I'm in denial. I just don't see how things will turn around.
I'm also trying my hardest not to blame the entire breakup on myself. I really struggle with that. I know WAW has issues but I feel like I've placed her in a pedestal over the last 10 months because things were really good and she seemed to be onboard this time.
I hate feeling like I'm the one to blame for everything while she gets to tell everyone she knows how awful I am.
I hear you, Thornton. I feel like there is a whole state that thinks I'm some sort of vindictive loser.
Here is an anecdote I need to remind myself of, which may help you see that part for what it is.
When I was first a L, I worked downtown. I'd take the subway and at my stop there was a homeless man who lived on a warm grill. For whatever reason, he HATED me.
he'd yell the most vulgar things at me, and for sure was directing the remarks to ME.
I recall wondering why my suit bothered him, or who I reminded him of, or whether my facial expression was too pre-occupied, etc.
One day my boss & I walked by the homeless man, who then screamed the same epithets at me and I was mortified. You know, like it reflected on ME.
My boss said "oh, 25, is that your old boyfriend?" Which was hilarious at the time.
Point is, I let a homeless man's rewarks to AND about me, bother ME!
His "data about me" was not real. Maybe it was due to some drug use on his end, or some trauma or some misfiring of synapses,
but it had nothing to do with ME or who I am or what I have done.
SOMETIMES, that's what is happening with a WAS.
The challenge for us is to bravely examine our own roles, own them and then let go of the rest. Turn it over to God.
Though in MY h's world, HE is the LBSer...-(Yeah, I know, incredible)
what he tells the world as to why I would "out of nowhere filed for D"
(actually it was from the state we lived in, which h left, but those are just details, details...)
Anyhow, I just have no control over it. None. Yet it nags at me.
So I remind myself that "H's data is NOT real and the rest of this I turn over to God.
As long we do the brave inner work, it's all about when we put the piece that belongs to us, down (b/c we worked or are working on it,).
and get back on our own path.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It just feels so surreal to be viewed as a villain by WAW when just a few short weeks ago she was literally giddy because we were buying a home and going to get engaged.
I keep trying to find a reason why she would do this. I've read about borderline personality disorder, love avoidance and several other things because I just want to make sense of things so I can have an "a-ha!" moment to diagnose what our issue is.
I know detaching is crucial so I don't obsess. Easier said than done. Maybe I'm looking for some other reason so I don't blame myself so much?
It just feels so surreal to be viewed as a villain by WAW when just a few short weeks ago she was literally giddy because we were buying a home and going to get engaged.
I keep trying to find a reason why she would do this.
you will not find a "good" answer. She may not have one, or know one, or have 3 stupid meaningless ones, or maybe she secretly thinks you are a purple lesbian dinosaur...
OR maybe the issues you are addressing are too little too late.
Honestly, what difference does it make in how YOU live, now? I'm asking. I've read about borderline personality disorder, love avoidance and several other things because I just want to make sense of things so I can have an "a-ha!" moment to diagnose what our issue is. This^^ makes it ALL about what is wrong with HER...and even if she does have some underlying pathology, your next obsession might be why YOU didn't see it sooner?
Or what YOU could have done to...blah blah blah...it's all retrospective
from what I have seen of your thread, she's relatively new in your life (sorry but I'm coming from a m almost as old as you are).
So you know you have been happy before she came along. And you will be again. Do you know this?
I know detaching is crucial so I don't obsess. Easier said than done. Maybe I'm looking for some other reason so I don't blame myself so much?
well, we all do that. Owning our own role is, at first, devastating.
Later we realize that the flaws we DO want to work on, the ones we are at first ashamed of but then working on, are making us better people.
By doing the one thing we can do to reduce the chances of this ordeal happening again, we are becoming better people.
I also think a part of the obsessing is b/c we want to believe there is hope. Or more hope.
And there might be.
I'm still struggling with this at times even though in my head I know that h is SO UNLIKELY to do the work I'd need to trust him again, that a recon is exceedingly unlikely.
it's hard to do when 2/3 of your life has been married to this person. I miss the h I once had, and yet I recoil at what I hear and see of him the past several months. IF this is who he is now, no thanks. My son said "good riddance to lunacy". I think you are mourning what you hoped for, b/c a woman who changes that much that fast, will never give you peace or security. Sorry buddy.
The truth is that without a time machine to go into the future you hoped for together that would require work on her end, that she has not done. Why do it now? Check my post for what h's own L said about him. Signs of mental illness, etc.
Mostly that makes me feel worse, to tell you the truth.
(I admit part of me feels vindicated like "See? He's crazy - so I'm not a loser!!", but that is mostly ego).
But as the mother of our children, and his friend and wife of decades, it makes me sad.
And yet, deep inside, I am also a little relieved that it's his sandbox, not mine.
make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Been a little while since I checked in around here, sorry to read through this thread Thornton. From a well healed outside perspective, I'll chime in. Although Zeus, Mach, Sotto, and 25 are knocking it out of the park.
Man, is it hard to read about the roller coaster you're going through brother, I feel for you. That being said, all the basics still apply and apply heavily in your situation.
Every single question you have about why she's doing XY or Z? Doesn't matter in the slightest. No amount of understanding will bring her back. Use that energy elsewhere.
There's an archetypal pattern inherent in all heartbreak so realize the fear and anxiety is no different than your gas light going off when the tank gets low - it just has to. You having abandonment issues only makes it light up and feel more noticeable. So give yourself that bit of leeway. You're human, it hurts, a lot.
I have to say man, freedom is an inside job. You and I both had WAW's with three departures, so I know the road you're on. It's up and down, back and forth, pot holes some days, beautiful scenery others. It's also crazy-making. The longer you've been on it the more you want it all to pan out in the end due to the size of your investment. But, the peace you get when you're finally of standing next to the road and realizing you don't have put up with the nonsense anymore is glorious.
She's told you three times she's leaving, so nothing's really changed other than your false belief she may stay. Nothing, in reality, is different though is it? She's still going to go and most likely was all along. But here's the twist my friend - she's not your concern any more.
Here's the way I'd look at this, I wrote about it a while a thread - the Island Theory. You lived on an island with her, and now have been kicked off - sorry, chit happens though so time to move forward.
Everyday you wake up and god, or Oprah, or whoever runs things in the Universe hands you $100 to spend for the day. That's it, but it's enough. You've got two choices: spend as much as you can building up your new, amazing, brilliant, gratitude filled, peaceful, healthy, emotionally intelligent, beautiful NEW island....one that you can design exactly how you want it with one caveat - you can't make her live there with you (and again, I say this as a fellow triple LBS...maybe it's time to find someone who finds reasons to stay).
We're the same age, and from what I've read, you're in good health. That means the world is your oyster. You can literally do anything you set your mind and heart to. Anything Thornton. Anything. Swallow that and let it settle. Other women will finish your sentences, they'll get you, they'll do all the things your WAS does....plus more...and they won't leave. Don't fool yourself that she's the only one, it's just not true. There are incredible women out there, MILLIONS of them. (that's a lot btw)
So there's that option right?
Or you can spend your $100 on wondering why, keeping the past alive, worrying, being fearful, anxious, and disempowered. What's that building though? Nothing at all.
Freedom is an inside job...the choice is yours.
Sure, there is a natural process you need to go through with grieving, eating some ice cream and feeling like snot for a while, but after that, it's time to start investing.
If it isn't actively building Island #2, it's not worth a penny of your time or energy. Not one cent. She's not. This situation isn't. Worry isn't. Fear isn't. Be bold in sticking with the DB basics, and start building your new life. You've got nothing to fear here, and everything to gain.
Cheers from the other side,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
You really inspired me with your words. Our sitches are so similiar and it gives me ALOT to look forward to knowing that you are thriving and didn't die from a broken heart.
I'm going to keep trying to detach. Sometimes I do pretty well at it. Other times, not so much.
It's really hard looking inward at myself. I don't like what I see and I really do want to change. I guess I just struggle with believing in myself. Being left 3x really messes with my sense of self worth. I'm not perfect in the slightest, but I can honestly say that I have supported WAW and her daughter during some very hard times. I have loved her child like my own and have a great relationship with her daughter.
Basically, I'm a nice guy. And I know there's a fine line between being nice and being a doormat.
I refuse to beg, plead, or kiss her a55. I've apologized for my part, she hasn't done anything but assign blame and go on about her life. I'm hoping I can tap into some anger soon to help propel me towards detaching from her and looking at our relationship objectively.
I have made mistakes, but I have never given up on WAW. Giving up doesnt resonate with me. She's done some pretty sh1tty things to me too, and after I've processed things, I chose to forgive.
I realize I need to be careful not to make myself a victim here. I knew what I was getting into after the first BD. I chose to forgive and love her, warts and all. Maybe I'm ashamed that I've allowed myself to get hurt again. Sometimes I don't trust my intuition and perhaps have abandoned myself.
I have to find a way to find my own happiness and not rely on her to tell me I'm a good man. Especially when she can tell me I'm a bad man so easily.
Thanks again for your post, my friend. I am so happy that you are doboth mg well. Keep in touch!
