I actually slept ok last night. I stayed up late watching scary movies and went to bed before WAW made it home.
I'm trying to convince myself that WAW is a runner. She bails when things get tough.
I've also been thinking about my future and honestly having a hard time not feeling like it looks bleak. I envision a small one bedroom apartment and just going home after work everyday and watching TV.
You have you're health, a job, independence. You have the freedom to do anything you want and to go anywhere you want. You have the capability of making your life anything you would like it to be.
I know its tough in the beginning. Just know that these feelings will not last forever.
Juju, I'm following you around agreeing with you today
Thornton - firstly, really glad you got a reasonable sleep - result! That does help and is progress too.
As for your life going forward, really it's yours to make. So, if you'd like a cosy one bed and go home to watch some TV - go for it. And if you don't - go for that too!
For me, I have a cosy two bed with a patio garden, tucked away and in the heart of town. It's lovely and I have enjoyed making it my own. I enjoy the peace of living alone, and I feel lonely occasionally too - but that passes and I'm out a lot too.
For me, the best formula seems to be being out every other night or so. Then if I'm in, I've been out last night and I'm out tomorrow night. Then for me a TV dinner is just what I need!
But - if we want to live a full life going forwards, we need to work on the fullness - and that does take effort - and when you're ready you'll do it. You were about to go skydiving before you reconciled, remember? Maybe a goal there for 2017 - just sayin'
So, any time your mind goes down the 'my life will be awful' road - remind yourself, it's your life to own and you'll make it what you will. I have every confidence it is going to be a good one. I was out dancing last night and there was a Meetups crowd there who all seemed to be having a good time. That's just one option (I never did Meetups) but there are many more out there too...just depends on what floats your boat..
Have the best day possible today Thornton
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
We'll just had a big R talk with WAW. We were both crying our eyes out. She said she is leaving for real this time and moving 1,000 miles away.
She talked about feeling like our arguments were bigger than they were supposed to be and that our last fight broke something in her. Keep in mind we've had 2-3 arguments in the last 10 months.
I told her I was so sorry for the hurt I caused her. She mentioned that every April I get weird because it's the anniversary of my sisters death when I was 10 years old. I was placed in a psych ward at 10 years old for 3 months because I couldn't cope.
I never knew that there was a pattern until WAW brought it up. I am so incredibly hurt right now. And after hearing WAW share her pain with me, I feel so ashamed of myself.
We were so close to reaching our goal of a new home and perhaps I sabotaged it out of fear that she would leave me again.
My friends are all telling me the reasons WAW gave me are all BS. They think the contract on the house spooked her and that it meant she would never be living with her mother again. WAW has always been codependeant on her mother and will be moving back in with her in another state.
Her mom has always been an issue for us and has always been a source of contention when her mom lived here. Her mom moved away when we reconciled.
I just wish I could reconcile in my mind why this happening, again.
There is no good reason to leave most marriages. What comes out of her mouth may not be BS, but it certainly isn't justification for her decisions. And while you can apologize for hurting her and validate the pain she feels, you don't need to go so far as to play along with the idea that she is right to think that divorce is a reasonable choice for her to make.
As for not getting it, I'm glad you don't get it. The only way you would get it is if you believed that it was ok to get divorced because you got into an argument. Given the choice between understanding her and having values I'd be ok living in the dark on this one.
When it comes to fear of your single life, that is totally sensible. You have incurred a tremendous loss. Something so primal it is hard to put into words. The loss of your family, your wife, and your innocence in the way that relationships work. It isn't distorted thinking to realize that your future will be different than it would have been had she made other choices, that you will miss having a life partner, that you will be saddened by this loss for years and possibly forever to some degree. Of course you're going to rebuild your life and find ways to honor and appreciate what you still have, but this doesn't mean it isn't the darkest hour in your life. Again, I'm glad you feel this way, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'd rather you felt this way than to be a sociopath that just shrugs it off and feels that a marriage is optional, disposable, and replaceable.
At this point there's not much to do. She's leaving so your behavior won't impact her much. You're going to feel how you feel, which will be more down than up for a while. So now it's just a matter of what you choose to invest in for the future. Nothing you can do (or should do at least) will make you feel better right now. But the things you do now may make you feel better sooner than otherwise, and give you some tools to make your life better in the future as well.
Looking back in two years and retelling the story to your friends of how you handled this situation, what would you like to be able to say you did?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
"I would like to be able to look back and see that I rose to the occasion and faced my fears."
Actually for me, the most important thing has been to look back and feel at peace with how I handled things. Truly I did my best with what tools I had at the time. What XH did became less important over time, and now I only occasionally think about what he may be doing.
So, in respect of your answer above - what first steps can you take to do this?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
For starters, I won't try to convince her to stay.
I've apologized for my part but I have no control over her decisions. I haven't tried to convince her that her feelings are wrong and I've validated her.
If this is what she really wants, I have to be strong enough to accept that she no longer wants me to be in her life. I hope that's not the case but it seems very likely.
Following your Sitch. I'm so sorry. Our souls are refined by fire. But the furnace, she be a hot one! Deep breaths, take it day by day. Step by step. You're going to make it.
Zeus, by the way, is hitting on ALL cylinders with his last few posts. Preach brother, preach. Love the words you wrote. Makes me want to Kate a road trip to see you in MN.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
