One week to be divorced... and counting

[25yearsmlc]

PS Ripe

I just read your whole thread again. I want to be very sure I understand your situation correctly.

I'm picking up on 2 related but separate issues.

1) You never wanted the divorce, and you'd still rather reconcile, correct?

You also said your showing up on the mainland is not required, but she's going. So Are you represented there?

Do you wish to delay the divorce by not signing or showing up?

Some say the number of people who remarry their former spouses is as high as 15%, some say it's 10%. This number is for couples who actually divorce, then remarry).

Would you be, at least in theory, open to ^^ this??

2) You Do want shared custody and you'd prefer no changes ever made to the arrangement, but you concede that in rare cases, it makes sense, correct?

So you are really debating how to adhere more closely to the agreement, correct?

I just want to know what your specific concerns are.

Almost every American jurisdiction will include a clause that states what the arrangements are and that "With both parties consent, this can be modified".

That's b/c the court wants parents to cooperate and b/c it does not want to use up time on its' docket to decide if Tuesday nights at 8 pm can be changed to 7pm. God knows that Lawyers make more money by debating these things.

One of my bff's is a divorce attorney (ugh!) She is amazed at how much of her "income would be gone, if the parents could just cooperate just a little more."

Ripe,
Are you concerned that you are "enabling the divorce", by taking the kids on her day?

QUESTIONS-- if she were to have a babysitter or relative care for them those days, rather than you, would you prefer that?

If that is not ever allowed in the decree, does that mean when you have the kids you can't ever have someone else watch them for an evening or a few hours? Because Someday you might want that.

If I understand your earlier posts, showing up in person isn't required for D finalization which is why you are not attending.

So, what are your options IF delaying the divorce is a goal?

Finally, Dig deep.

You don't have to say it here.

But it's important for you to know what your biggest emotions are right now. Whatever you are feeling down deep, absolutely affects how we see our situations

and can push us in directions that may not serve us well.

Do you feel fear, anger, sadness, regret, remorse, longing, acceptance, denial,

Some or all of ^^^these? They can all make sense.

Sometimes when we know what our heart is dealing with, we can see our situations more clearly.

My IC told me something about grief, when my mother died suddenly. I think it applies to any significant loss.

"If we stare at our grief, we can feel overwhelmed & paralyzed.

If we push it away or hide from it, it can sneak up & push us in the wrong direction.

So we have to learn to walk with grief beside us. The wound is there, but it's not paralyzing us or pushing us."

Good luck Ripe.

[Ripe]

25yearsmlc,

First, let me start by saying this, because I really need to say it.
When I found this site back in 2014 (Oh my God, already three years) it was like a safe haven for me.
I spent hundreds, literally hundreds of hours, reading posts, old and new.
And you are on the top three posters I read more. I think I read everything you have ever written here. And I learned a lot with you.
Thank you for all the knowledge you transmit.

Now, to what you just wrote.
I never wanted to divorce and I wanted to reconcile. It happened briefly in 2015 when I was DBing at full speed. But I guess my wife was beyond MWD powers, so I got the divorce decree (I have also a legal background, but I am not a native speaker) last Friday.
I only knew about it today, when I went to my mailbox.
There was no legal obligation for me to be at the final hearing, so I was represented by a lawyer and I asked him not to inform me about the date and just send me a message when it would be done.
Ex-Wife (first time I say this) made a point of being present at that hearing, so she paid for the plane ticket and went to mainland for one week. It had something to do with being present at the wedding and at the end of it, she told a friend.
Right now I am not thinking about reconciliation. I find XW the least attractive woman in the world (and I have not been with a woman for almost two years). Someone who can cause so much pain to the two persons I love more in this world does not deserve my love.
So maybe it was some anger that made me have doubts about swapping the days like she asked.
We have been pretty flexible since we physically separated in October 2015 and I am OK with it. For me what is written in the agreement can be changed if both parents consent, just like you said. What made me have the doubts was the fact that lately we were swapping a lot. So this, coupled with the fact that I knew why she was asking for the change in the routine, made me want to say no. Also because I want what is best for the kids and sometimes it is difficult to clearly see what that is. Is changing all the time good for the kids, even if both parents agree?
And that was why I came here.
But now I can admit that knowing she was flying to get the divorce she wanted was the main reason why I did not want to change like she asked.
You are right, 25y, we need to choose our battles wisely.
And this one was not worth it.

Right now I also feel relieved. Since the bomb the suffering has been too much. This divorce settles it. I can move on.

Your IC advice on grief is very wise.
Before, I would avoid my pains and anxieties and try to run away from them.
My new me learned this precious two words when I started meditating: "I consent".
Right now I consent to the pain I am feeling.

[Ripe]

Another question to the parents out there reading this: what do you tell your kids when they are being nasty and say thinks like "Mom's house is so much better than yours" and "everything there is so much better than here" and "I wish I would be there right now and not in this horrible place"?

[Ripe]

XW arrived yesterday from the mainland after having signed the divorce papers.
Today I took the kids to her place. Dropped them off at her door, waited for the door to open and took of.
Did not see XW, as usual.
Three minutes later my phone rang. I thought it was one of the kids wanting to talk to me, maybe something he forgot something in the car or at my place.
It was XW.
Said good morning. Then she told me S10 was having a tantrum because the mother dyed her hair and was telling her he wanted to come to my place or use a blindfold for the rest of the week.
She wanted me to have a conversation with S10.
I said yes and talked to S10. Said it was his mother's choice and that he had to respect that. Added gustibus et coloribus non disputandum and that by the end of the day he would be used. He did not need to approve but had to respect.
Only after hanging the phone I realized: what the hell has that to do with me? Why is she asking me to intervene in a situation she created?
I know it has something to do with S10 behaviour, but I am not WX husband any more and I'm not there any more because she chose so.

[Dawgs]

Another question to the parents out there reading this: what do you tell your kids when they are being nasty and say thinks like "Mom's house is so much better than yours" and "everything there is so much better than here" and "I wish I would be there right now and not in this horrible place"?

That's a tricky thing. Two reasons for that kind of behavior: Either you are coming down on them in ways she doesn't, or some sort of parental alienation. If it is alienation, better get a grasp on that real quick-like.

[SH_]

Hello my friend.

I pray that you are doing well.