Hello. I found this board and thought I would start a thread to see if I can get some help. My WW may be too far gone.
Little background on M. My WW and I had a great M and wonderful life. We met when WW was 23 and I was 32. WW is an old soul who likes to sew and cook and comes from a great family where church and family are the focus. WW was sweet, loving, loyal and very attractive - perfect wife material. WW and I were married in 2010 after dating for 3 years. WW dated one guy all through college before breaking up with him and then meeting me. From the beginning, she was obsessed with me and would not even go out with her friends unless I came too.
We spent all our time together and genuinely loved being with each other. Without a doubt, we were each other’s best friends. WW was definitely co-dependent on me and I was with her to some extent. I am an attorney and WW works in insurance and we have no kids so we traveled extensively and generally lived a fun life. My wife complained about very little and never voiced any problems in our marriage. WW always seemed happy and we almost never fought.
In April 2016, I started a new law firm which began taking up a lot of my time. WW also started a new job that required her to travel. We seemed to be acclimating fine to this different/stressful time in our lives. I was working particularly long hours in September and October.
On November 21, 2016, I come home from work to find WW crying on our couch. WW says she met a male co-worker and they had an affair during 3 week-long business trips (which happened during the period of my birthday and our anniversary). Apparently they really connected and had great passion. WW says she was lonely and didn't know she was unhappy until she met OM. OM is 6 years younger than me and married with three small children from another state 1000 miles away. I was devastated and never suspected A. WW tells me she loves me and chooses me over the OM. WW has deep feelings for OM. WW sends a no contact text to OM the next day and shows it to me. WW seemed genuinely remorseful. WW's two sisters tell me they too had no idea she was in trouble despite talking to her almost everyday. Her entire family is saddened by WW's actions.
Two weeks later we are boarding a plane for a previously scheduled trip. I look over and see WW texting OM and I almost have a panic attack. OM has told his wife of the affair but can’t stop thinking of WW. WW says OM reached out to her the night before and said “thinking of you”. WW apologizes and I take her phone and text OM to never contact my wife or I will tell their employer about what is going on. We then start couples counseling. WW tells counselor she wants to make our M work.
Another two weeks later though, my wife gives me the ILYBNILWY line. I’m stunned. When I challenge her that she barely knows OM she says she's known him "101 days" like a teenager. I'm really concerned I'm losing her. But over the remainder of December, things are actually pretty good as we work on us. On New Year's Eve, we are at a party and WW says she is thinking of OM. I lose it and tell her I'm done with the marriage.
The next day, WW is sobbing and tells me she can't live without me, she wishes A never happened and she will quit her job if it means she keeps me. In late January 2017, we go out of town and one night WW breaks down crying and says she can't get over OM. My heart is broken.
Once back home, WW tells me she wants to separate so she can have time to think. I tell WW we can do in-home separation on one condition: that she not contact OM. WW refuses and I make her leave our home. Two days later WW contacts OM and finds out he has been kicked out of his house by his wife and lives with his brother now. He is interested in continuing the A. On February 12, I meet WW and she tells me she is choosing OM over me. WW says she missed me at first but when she found out OM wasn't with his wife, it was not as hard to be separated.
WW wants to move where OM lives even though she has never been to that state, knows no one but OM there, has never lived outside our city, might lose her job and would be leaving all friends and family. I tell WW we should get divorced then since I won't be plan B. Since then, I have gone no contact (I also gave up pursuing several weeks earlier). WW came over yesterday to talk about finances/divorce and while she is home tried to clean up our house and be helpful. She asks how my week has been, etc like nothing is wrong. I can't believe this is the same wife who would eagerly wait for me to come home every day just 6-8 months ago.
WW's entire family is against her decision and has helped me through this. They think WW is lost and didn't give our M a chance. I did not ask for their help but they desperately want our M to work. Personal friends have called asking if she has a brain tumor because this is not the person they know. This A has almost zero chance of working and there is literally no one encouraging WW to leave other than OM. Yet here we are. Everyone I tell is stunned that WW would have an A. It was so out of character for her.
Does anyone have any thoughts for what I should do next? Looking back, I can't believe I have put up with all this. I foresee my WW returning in the future but many issues exist.
BD: November 21, 2016 S: February 3, 2017 M:41; WW:32 T: 9; M: 6
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust and resentment.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Personal friends have called asking if she has a brain tumor because this is not the person they know.
How is her overall mental/emotional health? Any emotional traumas, especially during childhood? Any anxiety disorders?
No singular event leaps out. She is youngest of three daughters. All are attractive now but my WW was a late bloomer and definitely got no attention in high school. Only when she got to college did she become "something" and even then she was tied to one guy all through college even though he cheated on her. My WW failed at all the high school teams like cheerleading and drill team that her sisters excelled at. So she instead chose to work after school beginning very young. She has a strong work ethic and is a classic workaholic. WW's father had an affair when she was a young child but the marriage survived and the children never knew about the affair until they were older. WW's mother is dominant in that marriage. WW is a daddy's girl for sure. They are a unique mixture of religious but fun (they drink a lot) and the daughters are all people pleasers. For the first time, WW now claims her parents left her alone all the time (which they say is incorrect) as a teen and she was lonely. I'd say WW never got a chance to be wild and maybe she is just acting out but its not like she is chasing a bunch of guys or going out to bars for attention. She is locked in on this one guy. It's amazing how just a month and half ago she couldn't imagine life without me and her latest email to me was like we were finalizing a business deal - very cold. She claims now she was suppressing emotions during our marriage to please others but even her mom said there was nothing fake about her happiness. I really believe she was genuinely happy up until just before she met OM when maybe she was getting bored with the routine of life and me being gone more.
WW is moving into local apartment for 6 months. Sent me a very sterile email announcing her next move. I plan to file for divorce. Has anyone's wife come back from the fog after divorce is filed?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
WW is moving into local apartment for 6 months. Sent me a very sterile email announcing her next move. I plan to file for divorce. Has anyone's wife come back from the fog after divorce is filed?
Sorry about your situation. A number of people have snapped their ws' out of their dogs by filing. I'd look up lim and txhubby. Note that if you file, you can't be bluffing. I filed as I was out of options and it didn't snap her out. I'm doing so much better now and just wish I did it way earlier, as I endured way too much torture. Good luck.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
WW is moving into local apartment for 6 months. Sent me a very sterile email announcing her next move. I plan to file for divorce. Has anyone's wife come back from the fog after divorce is filed?
Sorry about your situation. A number of people have snapped their ws' out of their dogs by filing. I'd look up lim and txhubby. Note that if you file, you can't be bluffing. I filed as I was out of options and it didn't snap her out. I'm doing so much better now and just wish I did it way earlier, as I endured way too much torture. Good luck.
Thanks for your thoughts. I am not bluffing. I am tired of this situation already. I cannot live like this. If she snaps out of it then fine but if not then we are done. I love the old person - not this current one. Even if she were to return today I would not let her move back in and we would need to do a ton of work. It's hard getting over our old life and accepting that is gone.
