I would stay out of the negotiations about what she wants from you in order to end contact with OM. No remorse, just demands. Don't believe it for a minute. Just keep improving yourself and what you are responsible for (BF issue included) and let her find her way back on her own. She knows what is needed to get there. Don't let her short circuit the process or it won't be lasting.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
She truly feels like me telling her that ZERO CONTACT with her AP would be necessary for me is completely unreasonable.
If it were me, I would end the conversation here. I would say that if this is a request that you cant meet, then we dont have anything else to talk about.
Originally Posted By: Laowai
She has went as far as to counter and say that SHE would NEED me to have ZERO CONTACT with my best friend. I will admit that my best friend was the cause of a significant amount of grief in our relationship and I didn't really see it at that time. But through counseling I have drastically changed my relationship with him to be much more healthy, as well as healthy to not interfere with the next romantic relationship I have. Regardless of all of this, it feels more like a "you ask me for something I feel is unreasonable, I'll do the same from you" from her. I don't feel like I should give up my friendship with him just because of her "tit for tat" attitude. I am so baffled all of this. She keeps telling me that she has completely changed her relationship with OM...and that its not good enough for me. I'm not really sure how to respond to this.
Read this and then reread the first thing I quoted. I get it....you didnt sleep with this person. That said, in my opinion, if a spouse says 'get rid of someone', then you do it. I definitely see her side, and I feel that your justification and disbelief at her request is IDENTICAL to her justification for refusing your request. Something to at least consider, I think.
Frankly, it does not matter a whit to me if your friendship is "Legit". It's not ok and there are 2 reasons I say that:
You admit it harmed the marriage! OMG, That's a pretty darn good reason for you having ended it on your own...
Worse, your wife asked you to do it. (!!)
Instead of seeing the incredible opportunity you have to model doing what your spouse asks b/c it's important to them, (!!!)
you have your scorecard out with your very biased measuring tool.
Shaking my head.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
@Kaizen and 25year: I find it interesting that you both share this viewpoint. Essentially what happened with that friendship is that when my WW and best friend would get into a disagreement I would sit back and let them hash it out. I quite literally NEVER took sides. I just let them handle it. While I still think this was the correct thing to do as they were both ADULTS and should be able to handle disputes on their own, I should have shown my wife support in those moments or at least immediately after. Instead I just kind of let it go. This happened numerous times throughout our relationship and marriage. Just to give you a little background on HOW this was a problem in the marriage. So, according to you two I should give up this friendship all while my WW is continuing to talk to and see the OM. All in an attempt to show her that I am willing to do what is necessary.....in the hopes that she will give up OM....???? This seems a bit counterintuitive to me. I don't think it is fair to give up a 27 year friendship that I have meticulously groomed now to be conducive to ANY relationship that I may have, just because my WW is having a tantrum because I am asking her to give up an 8 month AFFAIR RELATIONSHIP. It's not about scorecard....these 2 aren't in the same realm......
should give up this friendship all while my WW is continuing to talk to and see the OM. All in an attempt to show her that I am willing to do what is necessary.....in the hopes that she will give up OM....????
No. Not at all. You are correct. They aren't in the same realm. And while you could have shown support for your wife when they were arguing, unless he was degrading her in some way then it would make her look weak if you had to constantly step in. She's an adult and doesn't need her hand held.
But for her to say give up your friendship and she will give up the affair is just wrong...That tells me that she has no interest in saving the marriage. Sorry, but that's the way it is.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Frankly, it does not matter a whit to me if your friendship is "Legit". It's not ok and there are 2 reasons I say that:
You admit it harmed the marriage! OMG, That's a pretty darn good reason for you having ended it on your own...
Worse, your wife asked you to do it. (!!)
Instead of seeing the incredible opportunity you have to model doing what your spouse asks b/c it's important to them, (!!!)
you have your scorecard out with your very biased measuring tool.
Shaking my head.
Please keep in mind that this only became IMPORTANT to her when the NO CONTACT demand was made about OM...This is not something that has EVER been brought up in the past. If it had, then I would feel much differently about it. IT was quite literally mere minutes after i, and her counselor said no contact was a must. To which she has yet to agree to and has continued to talk to and see/have dinner with OM.
One awesome thing about all of this though, is that it isn't really impacting me emotionally like it would have months ago. I'm a little frustrated by it but not even in the same ballpark as I would have months ago. I am actually OK.
should give up this friendship all while my WW is continuing to talk to and see the OM. All in an attempt to show her that I am willing to do what is necessary.....in the hopes that she will give up OM....????
No. Not at all. You are correct. They aren't in the same realm. And while you could have shown support for your wife when they were arguing, unless he was degrading her in some way then it would make her look weak if you had to constantly step in. She's an adult and doesn't need her hand held.
But for her to say give up your friendship and she will give up the affair is just wrong...That tells me that she has no interest in saving the marriage. Sorry, but that's the way it is.
This I completely agree with. Had he ever even done so much as call her a name or talk down to her I most certainly would have stepped in. There was only once in the 13 years that he said ANYTHING that I felt was derogatory...he told her she was acting like a B#$ch...I did step in on this one...
At the same time, you know something that is quite comical...if someone ever did that to my WW in front of him, he would absolutely lose his $hit...It really is and always has been like a brother/sister relationship with them.
Sounds to me like she is just making excuses or whatever. She has no intention of leaving the OM. Just keep that in mind.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Sounds to me like she is just making excuses or whatever. She has no intention of leaving the OM. Just keep that in mind.
I tend to agree with this to an extent. She communicated to me that me telling her that ZERO contact with OM is necessary for me to move forward with her is unreasonable and setting her up for failure. Therefore when she fails I can say I gave her a chance and she blew it, absolving me of all guilt....This is obviously not why I am doing this. However, I believe this deal with pushing for zero contact with my best friend is an attempt by her to turn that very same "game" around on me.
Sounds to me like she is just making excuses or whatever. She has no intention of leaving the OM. Just keep that in mind.
Do you know his wife?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
