Well, I'm not divorced and don't have a co-parenting spouse, but I think there is another option you should consider:
4) have daughter see a therapist and discuss her concerns with the therapist, who can then speak to you and ex-W or just ex-W about it.
You are really in a no-win situation here. Your daughter's concerns do need to be addressed, and there are likely other issues that will arise making this something of a necessity as the kids enter the tween and teen years.
If you continue to have problems, involving the therapist may be a useful tool in advocating for some adjustments to the custody schedule.
That’s a good point about therapy that I will address.
My daughter did see a therapist a few times a few years ago. During the separation, she had a bit of a hard time getting used to switching between houses so we thought it would be good for my D to have some o one neutral and safe to talk to. I asked my D if she was interested in talking with someone again about this and she isn’t. I also feel like if we were to go this route, that I would inform my XW of it which kind of takes to a modified option 1.
I feel like so far, through us, my daughter is feeling heard and understood and we are doing our best to offer positive and impartial solutions for her. So a therapist would be a good option for an outside opinion for sure, but I don’t think it’s needed so that my D doesn’t feel isolated.
I will also add this, though I’m not sure how relevant it is. My W is a child therapist, though she primarily works with kids that have suffered far more trauma than only a divorce. She has said (and I’m probably butchering this badly) that if we continue to provide a stable and loving home for my D, that she should’ve ina. Good place going forward regardless of the relationship she has with XW. In my opinion, if there were something going on that put my D in physical or emotional jeopardy, we would be taking swifter and more decisive action.
Let me preface this by saying that the relationship between my XW and me is not good. In all of the communication that we have, I do my beat to remain open and collaborative but it is very clear that she has no interest in that sort of dialogue.
I'm in the same boat as you. I would've thought that with the passage of time and exW being in a new R that she would see things differently. But she doesn't. Still is carrying a lot of anger and resentment and she hasn't taken the time to reflect internally how she contributed to things and take some ownership.
I so wanted to create a space for productive co-parenting, but it's not there. She has no interest in that. So, instead of beating against a brick wall, I decided to go ahead with parallel parenting. Look it up if you haven't yet. It's given me so much peace of mind. I took the mentality that I am a single parent in all sense of the term and have zero reliance on exW. It doesn't mean that maybe in the future we can have a more productive relationship about the kids, but for now I am firmly on my side of the lane. Honestly, I reframed it as a gift. I get the gift of complete autonomy with the kids and decision making when they're with me. It has really been a liberating feeling.
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I know that I still carry a lot of guilt about the way I acted in my marriage. I believe that we had many issues on both sides of the street. Some from each individual and some as us as a pair. I know in my heart that our marriage should not have ended in divorce. With enough education on methods for improving communication, understanding what we each needed out of our lives, and paying better attention to each other's LLs, we could have made an awesome team.
I totally get what you're saying here too. I think we would've made a good team too if we had worked on things. Even if separation hadn't happened, there were a lotta things we were not on the same page about.
About the guilt, what has gotten me through all of that is remembering that I did the best I could at that time with who I was as a person and all the tools that I had at my disposal. You have to be compassionate to your past self because we know that we could've all done better in hindsight. It doesn't mean that I can't be objectively critical about who I was and understand my faults; it's that I don't place judgment on my past self. I used and continue to use any remaining guilt to be a better person and remember that I have much more to learn and give. It takes time and you have to keep reminding yourself that.
In the same token, where your exW is at right now, she's doing the best she can with what she has. Maybe she'll change or things will be different, but when you go with zero expectations about that, there is no room for disappointment and you are radically accepting reality, rather than wishing something else. I am working daily to have an intimate relationship with what the reality is, not what I want things to be. It also brings me peace of mind.
It's still okay to grieve and go through the emotions. I am still grieving not having a great co-parenting relationship because I know it would be so much better for the kids. But I am, and you are, doing the best we can with what reality truly is. Come to a place of acceptance.
I am a big fan of Peter Crone (check out some podcasts where he's been a guest - he's been on Aubrey Marcus podcast, Kyle Kingsbury podcast, Dr. Rangan Chatterjee's podcast, and more). one of the things, out of many things he's said, that hit home for me goes something like this:
"When you're out in the world and you feel triggered emotionally, it is a great indication of where you are still not free. Find those areas where you're not free yet and just sit with it. Ask yourself - can I just sit with this and be fully in acceptance?"
Any time I feel triggered by what exW does or even in other things in my life, I take a moment to remind myself that I am not free in this area yet and what can I do to make it better.
I'll give you a very silly example of what I recently did. Whenever exW would message me, I would see her notification and it would get me anxious and stressed. Like some other ball was going to get dropped and I had somehow done something to piss her off. I realized that it was seeing her actual name on the top of the message that triggered me. So, I changed her name in the contacts to something funny and harmless. I changed it to 'hilarious baby panda'. So now I get texts from time to time from the hilarious baby panda, and it cracks me up every time I see the notification. This has helped me to be free of anxiety and stress whenever I communicate with her now. A hilarious baby panda can't hurt me lol.
Anyways, I am going off on a rant again. Just wanted to share and say I feel you and take some baby proactive steps to be with yourself and see where you can make small changes to move through the guilt and shame.
