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Bright! {{{{{<3}}}}} It's like old home week here, with you, Lou and MLeigh finally posting again. Missed you!!! Listen to Irish - slow down, if you can. Enjoy your son's graduation, what a wonderful accomplishment for him! xoxoxoxo so good to "see" you !


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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Thanks job, Irish and bttrfly for stopping by. My son’s graduation was a very happy event. H flew in and stayed with his brother, they also drove together to the ceremony, even though I offered a ride, as I was picking up my son’s GF. The party after the ceremony was in my son’s house that he rents with his GF, her brother and a friend. A few of my friends were invited, including the mutual friends from the vacation home.

H and his brother were a bit uncomfortable at first, but then relaxed. My family treated H like a long lost relative. Their kids hugged him and told him how happy they were to see him. My sister and her H spoke with his quite a bit. My sister told H that they will always consider H as a family and they are very grateful for what H (and I of course) did for them when they first immigrated to the country. H was very touched, thanked my sister and told her that it was important for him to hear this.

My sister told me that she was very impressed how I handled everything and behaved around H. She said that I was neutral and classy. I didn’t feel any discomfort with H being there. I just enjoyed the moment. I think my son was also a bit nervous about the whole thing at first, but then relaxed as well. He thanked me multiple times for the great party and great time. My fiends also told me that they had a great time.

H and I talked a bit. He asked me if I was going to the vacation home for the Memorial Day weekend (which I already told his that I would go). He then asked me if I’ve been to a new restaurant that opened close to the development and that I need to check it out and they have a happy hour and serve beer for $0.75. I mentioned that I already told H about going to the vacation home. Well, in one of business related e-mails he asked “If for any reason you need to use my condo for anything, please let me know ahead of time so I can make sure it is ready.” I thought it was interesting, because I had not asked about it at that time, he kind of volunteered it. I also thought that he is not telling me that I cannot stay in “his” condo anymore, because I have mine now.

I’m at the vacation home this weekend. When I was driving here, I was thinking that I would feel more comfortable in my own condo, then in the joint one (especially that H calls it “his”), but when I got here, it felt so natural. I can’t put a finger on it, but I think I’m kind of not associating this condo with H, but just feel comfortable with all the familiar stuff. I can’t even explain it.

H moved my clothes from the master bedroom to another bedroom though. I guess he needs more closet space, LOL. He didn’t move my stuff that is in one of the cabinets under the sink (my side), and he didn’t move things that I have in the drawers in the side table next to the bed. Maybe it will be the next step, LOL. I brought some of my clothes back to the master bedroom for me to use while I’m here. I have no problem moving it back when I leave. I don’t want to invade H’s space, even though I’m kind of doing it by staying in the condo. I think I feel ok with that because I don’t see any evidence of a possible OW anywhere here.

I have some more updates to follow.


M:50
H:52
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S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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So, here are the rest of the updates. Not sure if they matter anymore…

As I mentioned before, my work was absolutely insane for a few months. I think it influenced my moods and feelings. There were some interactions with H and things he said, and I don’t even remember all of them. When I think about it, I can see some signs… But, at the same time, there is no action. And, I think I’m tired of waiting for something to happen in my sitch and pretty much gave up on any hope… to even hear any remorse or apology from H. So, I don’t even pay attention to things anymore. There are little things/signs are not enough anymore…

So, here are few things that would be a big deal for me 3 years ago. At St. Patrick’s Day gathering at my friends’ house, H was asked how he does his taxes while living at the vacation home place (which is in Mexico). He “announced publicly”, that “Bright did taxes for me last year and I hope she does it this year”. This is new. H has always been pretty secretive about our mutual business stuff. Even our mutual friends were not aware of a lot of things. Well, mind you, the guy who asked the question, had clear interest in me and was trying all night to sit next to me and talk to me.

H is regularly forwarding to me the e-mails from Quick Books about the taxes (his email is on QB subscription), while before he was doing it randomly. So, either he is paying more attention to the business stuff, or wants to remind of himself more often, as I don’t consult with him on some of the stuff I used to before, and just do it, and then inform him about everything in one e-mail.

H texted me that he wanted to pay himself and what would be the best time to do it (middle of May or end of May), so I could process payroll taxes. I told that middle of May would be better for me, as I would be busy later (my son’s graduation, etc.)
So, on Mother’s Day, H sent me the updated company file with his payroll and asked to have it back as soon as, I’m done with updates. He texted me to inform about the file and wished me happy Mother’s Day. Wow!!! First in the last 4 years, I think. It felt good, I can’t deny it…

It was about a week before my son’s graduation. I sent the updated file back. Then I got a text from H saying that he could not save that file, he was getting some errors in QB. He then sent me a video of him trying to update QB. I thought that if he sent me the video, he really needed to make it work and update the file. So, I called him from my work and tried to identify what kind of problem he was having. We had no success. I told him that I would send another file and see if it would resolve the problem. I did, and also sent him the screen shot to who how I update the file, so he could follow.

Next day I received a text from him saying that the website where we exchange the files would not let him download the file, and following my instructions still lead to the same errors. I was like, hmmmm…. which is that, you can’t download the file… or the instructions don’t work. I also went to the website and it showed that the file was downloaded. I didn’t reply right away, but got a text from H that he will just bring the “darn laptop” with him when he comes for my son’s graduation.

If I think about it… I informed H and other people in the e-mail that my son’s graduation party would be at his house. It almost feels like H wanted to see my house, and when he learnt that the party would not be at my house, he used all kinds if excuses to still come to my house. I might be wrong… my I learnt to trust my intuition…

So, I texted H that he could some over on the next day after the graduation party to tackle his computer issues. He came over in the morning… I was happy and contained as a clam… My missions was accomplished, my son graduated and we had an amazing graduation party the night before! We chatted about some things while he was starting his laptop. He asked if I could make him some coffee &#61514; … as he didn’t have any in his brother’s house. I made him some coffee… I didn’t put much though into it as I used the remaining coffee grounds, and I think I made it too weak… Oh well… He didn’t complain… I felt guilty afterwards though…

I remember him drinking the coffee without anything in it, just blank. I asked him if he wanted anything in his coffee, like cream or sugar. He said that he wanted some cream. And then he just got up and went to the refrigerator to looks for the cream… without waiting for me to bring it over… It’s like he wanted to see what I have in my refrigerator, LOL. I’m sure he also took a good look what was in my kitchen. It seems like he was taking a good look around the house and in the backyard from the living room window.

He noticed that the trees were grown so big… and the storage shed was rotten… I told him that a guy (from the vacation home and also a mutual sort of a friend) was coming over at some point to fix the storage shed, and I also need to hire some people to cut the trees down. He didn’t say anything about that… But… it looked like he was trying to see as much as he could while he was in the house… We talked about some things and it almost felt like he was looking for some sounding board about some stuff happening in his life… He was very cautions though… and I was not overly interested… I “supported” him on some of the stuff… as job always mentions, like a long lost friend…

After we were done with updating the files and talking, he made his way to the door… without any attempt of a hug… just congratulated my again on my son’s graduation (to which I replied by congratulating him too…) and walked out of the door…

So…. Where am I right now? Noticed some “stuff”… but not counting on it in any way… As I mentioned before, if there are any “actions” or “movements”, it is not enough anymore… I’m pretty well determined to keep moving on… I’m still not doing any drastic measures to separate things, and it is still pretty much a status quo… But… I’m in a much better place now… even though I have blues and sad feelings once in a while. It took me almost 5 years to come to this point… Yes, I’m slow… so is my H, LOL…


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
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S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Hi Bright,
i think you are right to keep moving on, at YOUR pace. So often we LBSs are forced to move at the pace of the MLCr ... personally, I'm not an advocate of that ... then again, I'm divorced, lol.

Anyway, I think focusing on your goals is better for your peace of mind. Congratulations again on son's graduation! smile
xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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when you talked about how your H was looking around the house it reminded me of whats been said
time passes and the MLCer stands still still thinking everything and everyone is the same
it must be for them like coming out of a coma
Moving forward is the best move for the LBS
If Mlcer comes around or has a change of heart..you will see signs if not best to keep recreating ourselves and decide what we want from here

Best
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
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Bright!!!!! Congratulations to your son. I am so happy to read your updates. I think you sound great and very strong. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever completely be able to stop hoping for the fairy tale. Maybe you are like that too. Logically we understand but some teeny spot deep down in our heart wishes for that epiphany after MLC and then the declaration of love before friends and family and a snowy white unicorn.

It could happen. You might never completely let go of the wish but you are living and laughing and GALing without letting your wish cast any shadow on your life right now. That is a huge step my friend. You are not analyzing his actions but living your life. Good for you Bright. Good. For. You.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
&#8213; Maya Angelou



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bttrfly, peace and Gwen, thanks for stopping by!

Another thing I forgot to mention, H sent me a card for my b-day this year and also texted me on the day of my b-day. Last year he apologized for not sending a card, but still texted me. The handwriting in the card was a bit nicer than in some other cards he sent to me in the last 4 years, it’s like he put more thought into it, LOL.

bttrfly, we are kind of at a similar pace, haha. He is moving very slow in his MLC journey, and I’m moving very slow in my LBS journey. Sometimes I think what I could have done in the last almost 5 years, if it were not for going through this horrible experience… But… it is what it is. I will get there eventually…

peace, this is exactly what I came to realize. MLCer could eventually come around… or not… I've re-created my life to the best I could. I still have some struggles, but, generally, I’m in a good place.

Gwen, thank you for the encouragement! Yes, I think I’m one of those who never stop dreaming of a fairy tale… It doesn’t stop me from living my live and enjoying the time with my friends and family. I think H is missing out on a lot of this. I think the way my family (my sister and her family, my son…) treated him at the graduation should make him think… of he gave up on something that was worth of fighting for…

I just can’t come to the terms of one thing. The coffee that I made for him when he came to my house to fix his QB issues. I think I made the coffee that was too weak, LOL (it was the last scoop I had and I didn’t grind more coffee to fill up the pot... lazy...) I could have put more effort in it. Every morning when I make coffee, I think about it… and feel somewhat sorry for H… he wanted a cup of good coffee, and I failed to produce it… I really need to get over this, LOL.

For those who’ve been here for a long time and remember my story… I finally got my storage shed in the back yard fixed! A guy who I know from the vacation home place did the work for me. I had to pay him $400, but it is done now!

And, some more… I posted some pictures from my son’s graduation on FB. H was on a few of the pics. I didn’t give it any thought, because this was my son’s big event, and everyone was there, including H. So, next thing I know, his older brother “liked” the pictured and two days later I’ve got the friend requests from this older brother’s wife and daughter. I was thinking hard for about 3-4 days before I decided to accept the friend’s requests. I figured that I would give it a shot and if it gets too weird, I can always unfollow them, so I don’t see their posts (which could include comments to H’s posts, etc.) on my feed. So far it has not been a problem.

This contact coincidentally came at the same time when I was seriously thinking how I need to start separating the joint business with H…

My life has been very busy lately. I flew to another state with one of my former coworker and friend and another lady from work, to visit with two other former coworkers and friends for the weekend. I’m having a local neighborhood lady’s day at the spa this weekend, and then I’m going to my friend’s daughter’s wedding in a week or so. I’m actually looking forward to some alone time by myself after that, LOL.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Bright,

You are doing very well. I'm so glad that you are doing things w/your friends and taking the time out to fly out to see former co-workers and friends. You need that break every once in a while. I am also glad to read that you've finally gotten your shed repaired. It's been a while and now you can check that project off your list.

So, what are your plans for the summer?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Nice to hear an update Bright. I think of you often...


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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You sound Happy!

we do get there


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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