I'm no expert but... This works! 4 years since BD

[SM34]

Hi everyone. Thought I'd pop in and see how everyone is doing and give you all some updates. Its been 4 years since my world exploded. I was right there in the newcomers section, pleading for help. I was angry, I was scared, I was filled with negative emotions. You can pretty much say I was a WRECK.

But I listened to the good folks here. I absorbed it. I got PLENTY of 2x4's to the head, I was often told I was stubborn or that I am cocky, and that I needed to start learning or I'd be divorced.

I wanted to tell everyone here to keep the faith. It can happen! You CAN get through this ordeal, and you CAN have a better marriage than you have EVER had, with your spouse. As insane as they may seem right now during your sitch, they CAN and do sometimes return to their old self, or a new and improved self. Will you be a new and improved self when they do look over their shoulder? Thats the real question you need to ask yourself.

Anyway, as far as my life and updates, our marriage is rock solid and improved leaps and bounds. A lot of what I thought was going on during my sitch and during posting here turned out to be true. But some of it turned out to be false. You can never really know the full truth of what happened or why it happened and, for me, I've learned to live with that. It doesn't bother me anymore.

I've been reading some of the newcomers posts from the last few days and I can see myself in so many of our newest members. I want so badly to try to be of assistance to anyone who I can help. Please understand it is hard for us old timers because so many of what is said here in the boards are triggers for us. It is very difficult to see and hear so many people in the worst pain of their lives...

And this is why I appreciate those folks who have dedicated their lives to helping others. They have put aside the pain it can cause them (and flashbacks of a bad experience) in order to help however they can. Sandi2, Cadet and many many others are some of the most awesome and selfless people I've ever come across. Listen to them.

I'll be lurking here as much as I can..

Keep on DB'ing!

[Gordie]

Wow, as a newcomer, your post is very encouraging. How did you turn your situation around? Please share.

[SM34]

Gordie. The short version of the story is this:

Marriage deteriorated but I was sleeping at the wheel (as men do)

Wife was fighting me (which is a good sign in a marriage)

Wife stops fighting me (bad sign in a marriage)

Wife starts chatting with a "friend" on her phone

Things escalate quickly and BAM she wants out of marriage

In house separation

I learned and listened here. It was a painful process for all involved (Sandi2 etc..)

I knew as a guy that her OM was playing her. So it was only a matter of time and that R would be over. I needed to be the best person I could be when that happened. I needed to be the best option.

Started to sense it wasn't working out with OM. I knew he was going to cheat on her. Sat back and and worked on my issues and waited for her world to blow up.

Then, everything I thought was going to happen, ended up happening.

As far as how I turned the sitch around, I can't say for sure. But when wife and I talk about this episode of our lives now, she says these are the main things that made it easy for her to to re evaluate her actions and re prioritize. And you will recognize these principles from all the advise given on this board:

1) I never treated her badly, even when she was treating me badly. Not being a doormat, simply not closing the door.
2) I exhibited strength. I looked to be fine despite the situation.
3) She was constantly comparing OM with me, and I seemed to win every comparison
4) I took great care of our daughter. This made her realize more and more that she needed her family together.

there are more reasons but I can't remember them all right now. But they are ALL from what you would expect and ALL things you will do and do well if you listen to the folks here. Its like its all scripted and we all follow the same script.

One important point I want to make though....

At the end of our sitch, I knew her relationship with OM was going sour. I knew she was sitting on the fence, and cake eating. I was told I needed to do something to nudge her. I did do things but they were never aggressive enough. So it wasn't until she realized she was being cheated on by OM that she ended that and wanted to work on our marriage. So for a while I had feelings that "she only wanted me back AFTER OM was gone" when perhaps I could have FORCED a decision when I sensed what was happening. I'll never know...

coulda woulda shoulda does you no good in this situation. I am ok with that.

[Gordie]

Wow. That is inspiring. I too was asleep at the wheel. My W felt that we have drifted apart and lost our emotional connection (slowly, over 20 years of calm, both of us avoid conflict). The POM showers her with attention and then BD--she wants out of our M so she can pursue a R with him, though she says she still wants me too. I am very confident the R with the POM will either (1) not get off the ground because he is already in a committed relationship and doesn't reciprocate my W's feelings or (2) be short, as the reality of the R will not match up to the fantasy. What I am not confident of is what happens after that. Does she try to reconcile with me? Does she seek out OM2? Does she just want to remain independent (one of her stated goals)? I am trying to do your 1, 2 and 4. I'm sure she's doing 3 and the main way POM has compared better than me is in the attention and listening and understanding department--and that's what I'm focused on improving. Yes, I want to win her back but I've also realulized that I need to improve in these areas even if she doesn't come back because it is a better version of me, the person I was and who I want to be.

[SM34]

sounds like you know what you need to do. That is good news!

I'll read up on your sitch so I'm better able to understand what you are in.

It is a turbulent ride and nothing she says or does will make any sense to you. Later on it won't make sense to her either. But right now she probably thinks she knows what she wants and its as clear as day.

She will cycle through being sure its right and being not so sure its right.

If you do your part and take care of your end of the issues that caused the death of your marriage, then every time she isn't so sure she will look back at you to try to re validate how correct her decision to leave is.

You can make her doubt her decisions during those times, she will get mad and exhibit some anger at your changes, and she will distance more. Thats what folks here call the "touch and go".

Its all part of the ride. Get strapped in and comfortable. It could be a long one...

[Gordie]

***It is a turbulent ride and nothing she says or does will make any sense to you. Later on it won't make sense to her either. But right now she probably thinks she knows what she wants and its as clear as day.***

Have you been eavesdropping? W says she has never been more certain in her life.

***She will cycle through being sure its right and being not so sure its right. If you do your part and take care of your end of the issues that caused the death of your marriage, then every time she isn't so sure she will look back at you to try to re validate how correct her decision to leave is. You can make her doubt her decisions during those times, she will get mad and exhibit some anger at your changes, and she will distance more. Thats what folks here call the "touch and go".***

Wow. Yes, she cycles through days when she is really nice and affectionate and then days of being cold and being repelled by my touch. There have been one or two really angry outbursts. I never know what triggers these changes in her moods and try to be more detached and consistent in my behavior, but it's really hard because I am still very attached so her mood swings still do affect me.

***Its all part of the ride. Get strapped in and comfortable. It could be a long one...***

I am inspired by people like you and the others here who bave withstood these multi year roller coasters. You inspire me.

[PsySara]

*fan girl Squueeeeeeeee!!!**

I read all your threads a month ago and sometimes return to get inspiration.

My story in nutshell

Married 7 yrs Together 10
Oct 2015 WH admits to PA which I shortly discover is an EA/PA I was 6 months pregnant

Oct-Mar 16: WH continually breaks NC, I expose him and OW to their parents

April 16 (Unbeknownst to me) The PA resumes but OW dumps at end of April, I find out about all this in Jun 16

Jun 16 WH asks to piece but has dropped the D bomb a few times, even last week he said he's going to see a lawyer and file, meanwhile we are closing on a new house this month

A HUGE issue of mine is how I react when angry. While I've come a long way I still turn off WH with my words when I am angry and hurt. HE has barely spoke to me after our last argument. (3 weeks ago) Last night I took kids to see a movie and invited WH and he came. He is back to cold stone today and barely interacting. We're basically living an in house separation. Unfortunately I keep taking steps backwards for every step forward. I will now follow you around like some creepy fangirl to learn from you. lol My biggest mistake was being inconsistent with WH.

[SM34]

PsySara, you read who's threads? Mine?

I'm going to make some time to catch up with your full story.

[PsySara]

Yup, read your thread. I think I've read it twice. There are a couple of the vets that I revisit their threads so I can study their technique.

[SM34]

I am flattered! Had no idea anyone would ever read any of what I wrote. Lol

I'm going to make time tonight to catch up on all your posts.