My husband is going through a MLC and I've been doing my best to take in all the advice here and on other sites, in other books, relating to this problem. We have been doing an in-house separation for a little over 6 week because our finances are not great, but it's become clear to both of us that he needs more space to get some clarity and I need some space away from the anxiety of dealing with this..
Anyway, we've agreed on a trial separation where he will move into an apartment. We are really close friends and both of us are well-intentioned, however, when we talk about our relationship - even with our marriage counselor - things get heated and it seems we don't hear what the other is really saying. So we decided to have a written agreement that we negotiate together to deal with all of the practical issues as well as the purpose of the separation - which is: "to get some space from one another and from our current relationship in order to see what it is like to live separately, think about the patterns and behaviors of our relationship, and work on ourselves as individuals, so we can have a better relationship as parents, as friends, as partners, as either spouses or ex-spouses."
My question is this, I feel that because the purpose is to sort these things out as individuals, I should have a clause in the agreement that says something like this: "during the time of the separation, neither party will engage in a romantic relationship with another person, whether or not any sexual relations occur."
I know that he is not cheating on me in the physical sense, but I feel strongly that he is having an EA with some woman, and I don't want our separation to be a license to consummate that relationship, even as I know I can't really stop that. It seems it should be in there but I know when we sit down to negotiate, that is going to be a huge issue.
Any advice on how I can get this to be part of the agreement? Should I not bring it up until the end or at the beginning? Am I out of line putting it in in the first place? And what if he just refuses.. should I refuse the whole thing?
I appreciate your supportive help and welcome responses from anyone with something to offer, including (but not limited to) spouses who might be on the other side of this conflict.. Thanks.
Me: 45 H: 47, M 23 yrs., T 27 yrs. S6 & S13 BD: 10/23/16 11/20/16: In-house Separation 12/5/16 H goes to IC , stops confiding in me 12/29/16: Start MC 2/4/17: Trial Separation/H moves out
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but you'll discover a lot of wonderful people post all over the Forum, including this one. Read as much a you can, take away what you can use and leave the rest behind.
I'm pasting in Cadet's Welcome Thread info. Please read the threads because you will discover a wealth of info.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-62, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Would you please provide some information about you and your h, i.e., ages, how long you have been married, children, etc.? It helps if we know a bit more about you and your situation.
Did something happen to your h in the last 18-24 months? Maybe a health issue, death of family member or co-worker, birth of a child, child going off to college, lost a job/promotion, started a new job, etc.
BTW, if your h is having an EA, he is cheating on you. The things that he's sharing w/the ow are things that he should be sharing w/you and you alone.
As for putting a clause in the separation agreement...I don't think it will fly. Your separation agree should be about finances, assets, the home, etc. Whether the clause is in there or not, you can't control what he does. The only person you can control is you and how you deal w/things happening in your life. My 2 cents is not to put that clause in there. Why? 1) it will anger him and draw out the process and that friendship you have w/him will go out the window and he'll become even more secretive; and/or 2)like a teenager/child, when you tell or ask them not to do something, they will most likely go out and do it just to spite you. The less you say about the ow, the better. She's nothing more than a Band-Aid to his woes right now.
Focus on what is important in getting the separation agreement in place. Make sure that the finances, etc., are split down the middle or very close to being fair and go from there. Keep the focus on you and leave your h in the hands of the man upstairs.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Its a tough call when you get here trying to figure it all out If you have a M counselor maybe they can approach the question of fidelity during the separation but in all reality I believe Most MLCers have a plan when they leave the house and nothing will stop them especially not us Their word means nothing anyway
MLC is a difficult thing to travel though but the separation may help you deal with the pain of having an empty shell of a H around This is the most difficult time for the LBS to adjust and deal with the loss and change I know you and He are good friends but you will need women to talk to ,,a support group is helpful an individual counseling is beneficial If it is MLC, they lie and change they spend and become very different form the H we knew keep a watchful eye on all shared accounts or separate all account as they can blow through a lot even if they were level headed b4 keep posting and just try to take good care of you rest, sleep, exercise eat read and read the posts and books about MLC-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Wow, job! Thank you for that - it makes a lot of sense. I see how putting that clause in would be an effort on my part to control the uncontrollable and would not do anything other than distract us from the important details.
As for my info... I am 45, he is 47. We have two children. We began a romantic relationship when I was 18 and have been married for the past 23 years.
I would say there are a lot of things that have been happening over the last two years, but most go back to decisions even further back when we both kind of "dropped out" of the professional world - him at a time when he was actually doing very well, me when I was spinning my wheels. We moved out of the city and started a new life in a fairly isolated place some 16 years ago. Everything was actually pretty amazing until the birth of our second child 6 years ago. From then on, he seemed to be increasingly aware of how his efforts to reinvent himself/career were going nowhere, while I was out making more money than him and finding a totally new career that I was good at.
Despite all of that, we really had a beautiful life together. When I got a dog that he agreed to but really did not want about 18 months ago, that seemed to be the straw that broke the camel's back (I say this in retrospect, of course).
This past October he dropped the bomb and it's been a roller coaster ever since. However, since I got him into individual therapy ( I was afraid he was depressed and possibly even suicidal), he grew more distant and has told me his therapist doesn't question anything he says, validates his perspective, and agrees that he needs to get out of our relationship.
We started couples therapy a few weeks ago and the MC sees more clearly what's going on, since we're both there, but the two sessions have only been about how to separate because he just can't bear to even talk about improving our relationship since he is so "trapped" and doesn't want to "deal with" me anymore.
I hope that fills in some of the gaps.
Me: 45 H: 47, M 23 yrs., T 27 yrs. S6 & S13 BD: 10/23/16 11/20/16: In-house Separation 12/5/16 H goes to IC , stops confiding in me 12/29/16: Start MC 2/4/17: Trial Separation/H moves out
Yes, your latest posting does fill in some of the gaps. Now, I'm going to ask about you. What are you doing to take care of yourself and your family? Do you have hobbies, etc.?
MC may not help at this time. In fact, the MLCer uses the MC and IC as a way to "spin" their unhappiness to the point that they state that they are done and will not continue w/therapy. If might be best for you to attend therapy (IC) solo. The "trapped" feeling is one that MLCers do tend to state. In fact, they feel like they can't breathe when they are in the home. They feel like they are dying and yes, their old selves are slipping away while the child of the past rises to the top.
Please do not take what he says personally, as that is just how he is feeling now. He's depressed and desperate to find ways to self medicate to take that pain away. He can't face his life w/you right now because, in his mind, you are part of the problem. Trust me...it's not you, it's him.
Try to keep the focus on you and your family. If he talks, listen and validate. Do not offer up advice/suggestions unless he asks for them.
Bottom line...you are the adult in your household for now. Your man/child is out hunting for his past and may not return for quite some time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am someone who has a lot of creative outlets as I am a writer and filmmaker, so I have been getting together with friends and colleagues and starting new projects in my creative world with them. I also have been reconnecting and strengthening bonds with my female friends. They are kind of like a panel in that each one has a different history with men (one had a horrible divorce, another never married but always wanted to, and another is a widow); different levels of connection to my H; and different ways of thinking about marriage. So that is very helpful.
I am also taking the lead with my kids, although my h does still split our child-caring as always. I am just the only one paying close attention to their needs, questions, and feelings. I try really hard not to rely on them to lift me up, but sometimes it is true that if I did not have them to take care of, I would not get out of bed. I don't complain or cry or talk about their father with them. (BTW, kids are 13 & 6).
And finally, part of the reason I was working on the agreement was because I need to make sure our finances are not in jeopardy. He has been very vocal about wanting a separate bank account, which I support. I gave him all the info to open one, but it doesn't really follow through on anything.
The OW in his EA, as I understand it, is not interested in having a romantic relationship with a married man, which is why he is so interested in separating, or even better - divorcing.
These forums have really helped me think about how much I am actually doing to facilitate this change for him. I am untangling the finances. I am coming up with co-parenting schedules. I am the one writing a draft separation agreement. I'm doing these things partly to help him feel my support, but also because I kind of do want him out of the house as his presence makes it difficult for me to concentrate on anything else. This is a time of year that I am ty[pically very productive in my creative work and his mlc has destroyed that for me, so I'm trying hard to get my own space around this.
But at the same time, I wonder if I should not offer up any assistance with the separation agreement, finances, logistics, etc. Isn't it a good thing to avoid major changes/decisions during a MLC? Maybe I should just try harder to work with this in-house separation and just construct my own boundaries around how I interact with him and let him do whatever he's going to do until he actually puts in the work to start the process of physical separation?
Another thing I did do was open my own separate bank account (all our banking was joint, except we have individual credit card accounts. I think in Massachusetts - a common law state - separate credit cards and bank accounts are a good thing in the event he flips out and starts overspending).
RE: MC - I think you might be right. She wants to see us individually the next couple of weeks. I think I will bring that up with her that maybe he is just not ready to have productive therapy as a couple.
Me: 45 H: 47, M 23 yrs., T 27 yrs. S6 & S13 BD: 10/23/16 11/20/16: In-house Separation 12/5/16 H goes to IC , stops confiding in me 12/29/16: Start MC 2/4/17: Trial Separation/H moves out
Regarding MC and your h seeing a therapist, while this seems to be a common sense approach, very few therapists really understand MLC. I found even the ones who said they did, really understood midlife transition but not crisis. And those are two different ballgames altogether. The former is a guy who is mad he's not making more money. The latter is a person who goes off the deep end.
People in MLC are very fragile as you have seen. If caring for a dog is too much for him (which is typical for a MLCer) how the heck can he handle much of anything else? This is why we have to get finances in order and protect ourselves ASAP.
They give the same speech, they all become the opposite of who they were but from there they all take different crazy trains out of the station. They will do what they need to do to ease the pain. And because they have poor, low functioning coping skills they have to figure out how to ease that pain. But first they will run from it all, blame the spouse and do anything to feel better.
Focus on you and your kids. He's going to need eons of time.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I just want to let you know that I've requested that you be taken off of moderation. I don't know if this request will take place today or on Monday. So, please be patient when posting for a bit. I'm on here periodically throughout the day/night..but for today, I'll be in and out for a bit as it's snowing here and sidewalks/driveway keeps calling. LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow, my MLC W is also interested in a man who is not interested in a R with a married woman, so we are in the process of separating. You are not alone. How well developed is the relationship with the OW? Are they just friends now?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
