I've been married to my husband for 10 years. I found out on November 23rd 2015 that he had been having an affair for the past 3 years of our marriage. It was not something that was told to me but found out after much digging on my part (cell phone record, email). I had previously asked him on multiple occasions if he was having an affair and he denied it. We were in counseling as he had become distant, spending more time away from the home and not really showing much affection...which was unusual for him. He even denied the affair while we were in counseling.
He states that he only had sex with the AP once, but they continued an EA for a total of 3 years which included texting, calling and emailing multiple times a day. The AP is also married and has 2 small children. I spoke to her on the day I found out, and she of course denies it ever happened.
On dday I asked my husband to leave the house and he has been out since. I made him call his parents to tell them because I knew he wouldn't (they are a HUGE influence on him even today as an adult). He didn't tell many of his friends for fear of being judged, and to this day there are multiple friends who are unaware of the situation.
Initially he wouldn't answer phone calls or texts which was very difficult. He later did the typical come around the house to help me do certain things in the beginning because of guilt, but that did not continue.
He mentioned several times he wanted a divorce but would never file papers. There was A LOT of rage, anger, crying, screaming, name calling on my part. He said sorry on numerous occasions but never showed any remorse or made any attempt to get the help he really needs to deal with his actions.
In March of 2016 I told him I would be moving forward with the divorce, but he asked me to hold off on that so I did. I waited almost another month and still no initiation of contact on his part. I asked him again what he wanted and he said he didn't know. I asked him to please either try and make this work or please let me go so that I can move on. His exact words to me were "I'm willing to risk losing you" and for me that was enough to say he was done and didn't want to make any effort.
I met with a lawyer and filed papers in May 2016. This is an uncontested divorce as we do not have children. He said at that time he will not ask for any money (house, savings, 401K etc).
In June of 2016 he agreed to go to a very intensive marriage retreat for couples of infidelity. After the 3 days were over he looked at me and said "I finally get it" and was really making a lot of effort to reconcile with me (phone calls, texts, doing what he said he would do, showing affection etc). I was very guarded but hopeful. He told me he still wanted me in his life everyday and still loved me. Things were going well. We were participating in weekly phone calls with our recovery group and I was starting to let my guard down. About a month into reconciling something happened. He decided he could not commit to the process of recovery and we are now back to him not initiating anything, unless it is to see our 2 dogs....which are basically our children.
The last time we spoke was the end of November and I told him I regretted filing and that I do not want the divorce. I told him that I still love him because he is my husband and I don't know how to turn that off. I had not told him ILY for a long time.
I am so lost and do not know what to do. My emotions still get the best of me often. I cry almost everyday. Right now I am in the middle of a 6 week hiatus from work to help me try to make some decisions about my life moving forward.
I have bought the DB/DR books and have started to read them. I actually have been lurking on this forum for about a month and have found it to be extremely helpful. I also have been in counseling since finding out. I acknowledge that I could have made better choices in my marriage, and that likely contributed to him seeking out what he needed elsewhere. BUT....I do not take responsibility for his cheating at all!!! That was his choice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you for the reply cadet. I look forward to hearing from everyone.
I've read most of the articles and find the information very helpful. But if I'm honest it is all very overwhelming for me as well. I have been dealing with this, or some might say "not dealing" with this, for a year now and am ready to make some changes.
I know I definitely have things about me that I need to work on. Going through this has opened my eyes up to who I am as a person and how I have behaved and reacted to situations in the past, and I can say I am not proud of how I handled myself with everything, but all I can do now is move forward and try to learn and become better.
Something I really need to work on is not doing things to prove or show my H that I'm a better person, but to do them for me. I do struggle with why am I the one who is having to improve myself when he is the one who cheated. He has not received any IC for his actions other then the marriage retreat we attended. But, I know there were 2 of us in the relationship and things did not get to the way they were because we were perfect.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Something I really need to work on is not doing things to prove or show my H that I'm a better person, but to do them for me. I do struggle with why am I the one who is having to improve myself when he is the one who cheated. He has not received any IC for his actions other then the marriage retreat we attended. But, I know there were 2 of us in the relationship and things did not get to the way they were because we were perfect.
skm0619...I am sorry you are going thru this and have been going thru this for as long as you have on your own. Just know that you are not alone in all of this.
I have had the same struggle, but realize that the reason is two fold...we are improving ourselves not for them, but for us and we are improving ourselves so that no matter the outcome of our MR, we will be better in the end.
I have been in my sitch for half as long as you, but I am hoping and praying that my W will one day see that our M was actually worth saving instead of throwing it all away. I am losing that battle currently, but who knows what will happen.
I hope you have a Merry Christmas!
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
You are so smart to recognize that he was the one that made the decision to cheat, not you. Having said that, there is much that you can do to get things moving in a more positive direction. Healing from infidelity is hard and you need a map to help you rebuild trust and respect.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Thanks SBJ for replying. I have been doing this alone for a long time, and it has really been hard. That is what is so hard for me to understand is how do you just walk away and never try to come back. The abandonment I feel is horrible. He used to go for weeks, sometimes months at a time with no initiation of contact. If I would call or text he wouldn't answer me at all. Now if I do contact him he will respond or at least answer the phone.
I know that DBing is to make us better, but man is it hard to see that now. I only recently bought the books and have started reading them. These boards have been a tremendous help.
Like I said in my initial post I am in the end of a 6 week hiatus from work so that I can get my thoughts together. My emotions were getting pretty bad and it was affecting my work. I work in the medical field dealing with critically ill and dying people daily so I knew I needed to take some time away when it was starting to affect me at work.
I hope that things for you and your sitch start to show some improvement. When people ask me how I'm doing my response usually is "one day at a time."
This time of year being alone is difficult, but at least we have each other here 😀.
That is all we can do...one day at a time. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers thru the holidays.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
So sorry for you, you are not alone anymore you have all those people who care for you, it a big step. Once you know you can share your feelings freely you will start to feel better, keeping your pain and your despair inside you won't make things any better. Also don't stay in your house, reach to some friends to share some activities with them, you need to have your mind on something else (GAL), exercise (it builds endorphins in your system, it makes you happier), start something new you might have wanted to do for years but push away (cooking, yoga, painting, give your time to some worthy causes, travel...). Remember GAL is all positive, it helps to rebuild yourself whatever the ending will be.
Stop pursuing him, the more you will the more he will run away. You are just giving him more justification to run away even more. DETACH, the best thing I ever did to regain my sanity.
Start a FB and reconnect with good friends from the past (not the former boyfriends), the ones you had great laugh with, rebuild yourself, be yourself. I just reconnected with a good friend I worked with 25 years ago... it feels great.
Stop interpreting all his moves. A MLCer mind is wired differently than us. It took me sometimes but now I got it, it's all about themselves , they don't care or rather are not interested at all in the pain they caused us, actually seeing us in pain bother them and make them also feel quite powerful over us, in their sick mind it's more "pay back time", since according to them we are the source of their frustration/unhappiness", they need to find a justification to validate their behavior/actions. They need to have stories to tell to show people they were right at doing what they did.
May be go see your physicien and ask for some medication to help you, some anti depressants NDRI are great, they help you not to obsess anymore, cry less and have more energy. You don't have to take them forever but they help to go over a very dark period.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
As I cont to read the DR book I am wondering if this is really worth it? I have been separated from this man for over a year and nothing has changed. I cry almost everyday and am the one who is having a hard time with all of this.
1. He has not shown any remorse or regret for his infidelity, and I honestly think he doesn't think or feel that he owes me that 2. He blamed me for his cheating by saying "I didn't love him enough or need him enough" 3. He justifies everything he does or doesn't do 4. He has not received any sort of IC 5. Does not initiate any contact with me ever
Why am I trying so hard when there does not seem to be any real reason to continue? Am I hanging onto something that doesn't exist anymore?
1. He has racked up almost $16k in credit card debt over the past year 2. Has bought a $40k brand new truck 3. He even went so far as to move into a rental house with the exact same floor plan as our house, which I find very odd. He did not pay one mortgage payment in all the years we were living there (I paid it) and now he pays the same amount for rent that our mortgage payment is. 4. He has not paid any of his quarterly taxes for the year (he owns his own massage business) 5. He has had insufficient funds on numerous occasions
