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A Message from Michele
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Re: Bah-Humbug [Re: doodler] #2721535
12/17/16 02:50 PM
12/17/16 02:50 PM
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Vanilla Offline
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Originally Posted By: doodler

Tomorrow night I'm going to throw on my little black dress and go dancing. You can come along if you'd like.



That's what I did


V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: Bah-Humbug [Re: Vanilla] #2721564
12/17/16 08:04 PM
12/17/16 08:04 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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V- I'd go out with dancing with Doodler in his little black dress.... only if he goes commando!

God, I'm bad.

Today was a lovely day with the kiddo. She did however bring up out of nowhere, that she missed ex-ng and his daughter and brought up some memories. They didn't spend much time together..... but I guess maybe it was a taste of something she wanted too. I've been doing a much better job of putting him in my past..... but I did get a little sad.

There are some situations going on in my life I can't mention here..... and they are taking a toll on me too. A few relationships in my life are changing and it's also making me sad.

Adulting stinks sometimes.

Re: Bah-Humbug [Re: Ginger1] #2721565
12/17/16 08:09 PM
12/17/16 08:09 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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D9 did make me watch this awful ABC family Christmas movie.... It was horribly drawn out, but the premise was decent. About leaving the past in the past, accepting things aren't how we planned or wanted it to be, and to just take things as they come. And to have faith in fate.

Re: Bah-Humbug [Re: Ginger1] #2721624
12/18/16 11:05 AM
12/18/16 11:05 AM
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Sounds like it was made for you! Have faith kiddo. I know letting go can be hard, especially when you pin all of your hopes and dreams on one person but they aren't the one. I believe he was there to let you know that you could feel all of those feelings again.

Now that you know that, just let it come to you. You keep trying so hard but you keep stubbing your toe. Have faith that he is out there but just doesn't know he is looking for you yet! (I tell myself that at least once a week).

You've got this!

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Re: Bah-Humbug [Re: Ginger1] #2721697
12/19/16 05:26 AM
12/19/16 05:26 AM
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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
V- I'd go out with dancing with Doodler in his little black dress.... only if he goes commando!


Is there any other way to properly wear a little black dress?

Re: Bah-Humbug [Re: Ginger1] #2721776
12/19/16 11:35 AM
12/19/16 11:35 AM
Joined: Apr 2003
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Ginger sister,

I saved my bah humbug sister for last. I've been deliberately absent from the alt since the election (I'm still not sure I like my extended family and some friends) and not feeling like I had anything to contribute here either.

Man, I understand the part about missing myself. I've been disconnected like that from time to time. It's very much like stopping exercising. You find yourself out of rhythm and unable to get back into it, and even with effort, things just derail the whole effort and it becomes depressing.

Until recently, I can't remember a time when the holidays were joyful for me. My mom had some very personal baggage that she brought to the holidays, but it was the opposite. Because an event brought extreme sadness to her soul, she went NUTS for Christmas to overcompensate. Everything had to be perfect. I didn't understand why, and I also spent my entire time growing up not understanding why I dreaded the holidays.

Then in 1984, my late brother hung himself on Christmas Eve, and I found him. He obviously lived, but it ruined Christmas for my sister and me (and her boyfriend at the time, who was with me fetching cokes when we found him in the noose). I just seemed to carry this cloak of sadness with me my entire life. While everyone else liked to party, I liked to avoid. Mr. W. loved (and still loves) Christmas as much as I loathed it, and thankfully, I let him do his thing because it was good for our girls.

And then again, bomb day on 12/18/2002 just added to my malaise. By then, I had absolutely no desire to pretend anymore. When I found myself in IC back then, my IC told me that I owed it to my girls to not give them my legacy. So I went through the motions for years. Somewhere in between then and now (closer to now), I realized how very much my D22 loved Christmas. Not for the gifts, but for the visible reminder of the season and for her joy in spending time with us. I think it became obvious to me (finally) after she had gone away to college.

Last year, I got away with not decorating at all - because I moved right after New Year's and we spent the holiday at Mr. Wonderful's (who had, of course, decorated to the hilt). I actually felt horrible about it. She didn't get to say goodbye to her childhood house with that memory. So when she told me she was coming home this year, I decided to go.all.out. I started before Thanksgiving, and my house is decked out - with two trees LOL. I send her photos and she's BEYOND excited to come home.

That being said, there is nothing I will say to you to get you to move past this. Because my issues are connected to my past, and won't be swept aside by some lights and garland, I have been keeping my gratitude journal since November 1. It literally keeps me focused on reconnecting with myself. One day was horrible - the only thing I was grateful for was that the day was over. I'm not ashamed to admit that.

The good news is that Christmas will be over in one week, and just maybe, you can clear your head at that point. For some insane reason, I always felt my cloud lift as soon as the holiday was in the rear view mirror... and then I allowed myself to mentally consider what I wanted for the coming year.

I also consider myself to have a Buddhist and spiritualist component to my Christianity. I'm not at all conflicted by my belief system, and how I live my life is generally in synch with those values. I'm sure people at my church who don't know me would be distressed by that, but that's not my problem, is it? I don't think we need to have a label or be put in a box to figure this stuff out.

My only advice to you is to give yourself permission to feel this way until... you don't. Maybe it would help you to acknowledge setbacks but also to acknowledge baby steps too. Allow yourself the humanity of this mess. We're all flawed, and we all have things that bring us joy as well as sadness. Without the valleys, I don't appreciate the peaks as much as I should.

FWIW, my sister hates Christmas. Her husband puts up a mini tree just because he likes the reminder, and he'd do more, but their 8 cats destroy his efforts. Anyway, she's managed to cope about as well as I have, and she's still not over our childhood wounds. It is what it is?

Call me if you just need to vent. I'm more than OK with that.

Love you, girl.

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Re: Bah-Humbug [Re: Underdog] #2721940
12/20/16 08:48 AM
12/20/16 08:48 AM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Kat- thank you for that! I really needed to hear that, I am able to love again, not only him, even his child, and most importantly, it taught me I could love someone else while loving MYSELF. The self component was also lost in other relationships, especially with my ex. I have been trying, and I have been stubbing my toe, because I was told I need to try and it isn't just going ot fall into my lap. Well, now I am ready for it to come to me. When it does, I'll nurture it, but I am not going to try so hard anymore. We've both got this kat, we just need to keep the faith.

Betsey!!!!! It is so good hear from you, I was afraid you fell off the earth, boy can I hear you on that political thing.

You sure have had a rough go around this time of year. I know many of us had, and it doesn't carry the same innocence anymore. My mom was a non-practicing Jew who would refuse to participate in anything Christmas growing up. My dad tried to give me the best experience on his own, we had out own traditions, but with my mother's illness/addiction, she wanted nothing to do with anything. I remember pleasing with her to help decorate the tree and she just didn't want to and would go in her room and read a book. So, no matter how much I despise it, I try to give it to my D the best I can. But I do give myself the permission to jut not like this time of the year. I thought there might be some revival with the birth of my daughter, but we got one Christmas together when she was first born, and every one of her life has been and will be split thereafter. My D began telling me all about how she needs to sleep on the airmatress because OWW's and her whole family will be sleeping over on Christmas eve to morning. I never ever do it anymore, but I had to tell D9 to stop describing everything to me. I said it in a sweet way and she understood. I couldn't listen anymore. The thought of OWW's family watching MY daughter's excitement on when she see's what Santa brought her, probably on the last year she will believe, hurt me too bad. Angered me.

I hit pretty deep yesterday with my IC. I let out frustration and anger I had towards a particular situation. I realized I had become angry again, and emotion I hadn't felt in a long time. Angry at situations. Angry at other people's choices. Sad for other people going through some really rough times they didn't ask for.

See, on losing myself, "growing up" on these boards has colored my perception of marriage, commitment, and happiness. These boards preach what is the opposite of happening in our society right now. it's simply the truth. The expectations out of marriage and commitment is not what it used to be. People want more more more. Are willing to sacrifice and hurt others at the risk of finding this unicorn. It really is just what reality is now. Maybe there are more demands financially, in our work lives, in out parenting lives to make being happy and staying with one partner too difficult, I don't know. I guess meeting these demands are not fulfilling.

But really, the problem is, I believed a lot of what these boards preached. healing between marriages and relationships, not jumping right in to the next, taking time to healing and getting to know themselves, doing inner work to figure out what we from ourselves and in a partner and in a committed relationship. learning what our needs and expectations are, evaluating them, seeing if they are obtainable and sustainable.

But truth be told, it really doesn't work that way anymore. And I feel committed to principles in a society that doesn't. (Hey, Zues!). I am an old soul in a modern world. It's known I have dated a few DB'ers. Even though it didn't work out, maybe it was because we clicked on values. I felt like these men were the ones who were on the same length and understood everything we had gone through on a deep level and that's where I fostered that intimacy (ex-NG was not a DB'er, although, friends with some)

So, I think this is where I lost myself. Watching everyone around me do the opposite of DB preaches and wondering if maybe I should go that way. If I should feel that way. If I'm the one waiting for the magical unicorn. If there is something wrong with me, because I can't transfer feelings so easily or let go or know when to throw in the towel.

That was a whole lot of rambling, and who knows if any of that makes sense. But it has been something I have been struggling with big time. My IC told me not to let go of my values. So that was reassuring.

I miss you Bets. We definitely need to catch up and vent, and BS, and laugh. I am sure your D22 is so excited to come home and all that decoration will make it that much more special, even though we might say "bah-humbug"

Thank you, to whoever followed that one!

Re: Bah-Humbug [Re: Ginger1] #2721959
12/20/16 10:26 AM
12/20/16 10:26 AM
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Since I'm 2 hours behind you, feel free to buzz me any time. I miss you too. Actually, I miss a lot of you.

Innocence lost. I think that's a really observant comment, Ginger.

Quote:
I couldn't listen anymore. The thought of OWW's family watching MY daughter's excitement on when she see's what Santa brought her, probably on the last year she will believe, hurt me too bad. Angered me.


I actually think this is a good boundary. Your D9 is now old enough to understand cause and effect and I think it's totally fair of you to ask for this boon.

The anger thing sounds like it surprised you, no? Just remember that anger is a very useful tool to propel us to make changes. A call to action, if you will. I have no doubt that you and your IC will use this to help you move forward.

What do you think about taking the best of the DB principles and applying them when needed, and using your excellent intuition to take control of the wheel? I don't think it's in any one of our natures here to be a constant submissive in all processes in our lives. I won't deny that it's helped me tamp down an ever emerging desire for control, but there really are times and circumstances that need leadership. Don't run from them!

Before you compare yourself to your friends... it's really easy to see your friends in wholesome, equitable marriages and truly happy, Ginger. I don't think it's our place to be circumspect about others' marriages, but I'll share my telescope with you since I'm 54 and am a decade+ ahead of you on this path. At 40, I was the first of my friends and big circle to separate and ultimately divorce. At 54, I can't tell you how many friends have jumped in the pool. Some extremely close friends whose marriages seemed solid have fallen apart. I guess I'm surprised that these people made it through some extraordinarily tough times only to call it quits later down the road. Some are agreeable and others are acrimonious.

What I'm saying is that in 10 years, you're going to have company in your boat. You'll probably add a few very close friends. And if they ultimately reconcile, there will be hardships in marriages among your friends. Of my core college friends (there are 4 of us), only one is truly happily married. Two of us are divorced and one is status quo (her husband is miserable, though). So... don't think that you will be the odd man out for the rest of your life, okay?

And BTW, I actually understood your entire post. grin Your perceived dysfunction makes sense to me LOL.

And one side note, I really can't manage bah humbug this year. For some reason, I really am happy this year. The girls and I had a really good Thanksgiving with my family in DC, and we did stuff together - walked through Arlington National Cemetery, "visited" those relatives who are 6 feet under (or above Haha), went out to dinner, saw A Christmas Carol at Ford's Theater (my treat) and a political satire comedy. We all agreed at the end of the weekend that we would much rather give time to spend with each other as gifts than buying crap. It seemed like a major rubicon to cross.

Then D19 played the Ghost of Christmas Future (because she can point super well and the role doesn't require speaking LOL). For whatever reason, I'm really trying to focus on the little happy things. Because outside of them, work svcks, my clients are not spending money thanks to the election results and I'm generally agitated. The blinders seem to help.

One last thing:

Quote:
So, no matter how much I despise it, I try to give it to my D the best I can.


This is all you can do, and you do it really well. So give yourself a big old pat on the back. You're not repeating your mom with your D9. You're aware of that, and I think that's a conscious decision and super evolved. I did the same for years. But I'll tell you that come New Year's day, my house was wiped clean of all traces of Christmas. I might do that this year too, but I've had all these decorations up since mid November LOL. I don't think D22 is aware of how difficult it was for me to muster the energy to do that. But then again, that was my goal.

You're a great mom, Ginger.

xxxooo


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Re: Bah-Humbug [Re: Underdog] #2721974
12/20/16 11:02 AM
12/20/16 11:02 AM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Underdog


What I'm saying is that in 10 years, you're going to have company in your boat. You'll probably add a few very close friends. And if they ultimately reconcile, there will be hardships in marriages among your friends. Of my core college friends (there are 4 of us), only one is truly happily married. Two of us are divorced and one is status quo (her husband is miserable, though). So... don't think that you will be the odd man out for the rest of your life, okay?



What has seriously rocked me is that they ARE jumping in my boat. They are in it, but not the same way I got in it, if you get what I mean. They chose to get in it. It's sooooo hard to watch and understand and empathize with.

I haven't felt anger in a long time. And you are so right, I need to pay attention to it. I need to use it for growth. That's exactly what I'm going to do.

Again, very genius advice on choosing what DB principles to use to live by. I'm using them to try to help friends, but let me tell you, it doesn't work for other people who don't know what it's about. They think you are a little nuts or "strict" But I am going to use personally what helped me in conjunction with strong intuition. I let my DB background get into way too deep of analysis. hence where the innocence is lost.

Funny enough, the one thing I probably do that is till innocent is I go into a new relationship or whatever they have been in my lives on a basis of trust. new people get a clean slate and I leave the baggage of what my ex did at the relationship door as far as cheating. If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen, and I am not going to live waiting for it or trying to stop it.

And to close off my too much rambling, I am glad you aren't forcing yourself to be happy, Sounds like the holiday seasons have been enjoyable. Take it all in. it feels good. Maybe there has been a shift.

Re: Bah-Humbug [Re: Ginger1] #2721992
12/20/16 12:02 PM
12/20/16 12:02 PM
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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
What has seriously rocked me is that they ARE jumping in my boat. They are in it, but not the same way I got in it, if you get what I mean. They chose to get in it. It's sooooo hard to watch and understand and empathize with.


Ginger,

Did your friends have an affair or did they just decide that they weren't happy in their marriage? I'm asking because I'm curious about their mindset.

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