Had my coaching session today. My coach said that it is a good sign that W seems to want to maintain contact with me. She said it is a sign that she still feels a connection with me. She also said that the fact that we are friendly is a good thing because friendship is the foundation of a good marriage. I am supposed to look at her as a friend for now. If a friend called and asked to get in my hot tub I would say sure so it's ok to let her use it as long as she asks. I also can't judge her as if she is my wife but as if she were just a friend.
Exactly. Think of a neighbor you are friends with. There is a good relationship, but clear boundaries.
Originally Posted By: BillyHo
The struggle I have now is finding people in my life that understand why I am still standing for my M. Everyone wants me to move on because I deserve better. They say I could find someone else without any trouble. It makes me sad to think that these people would just give up on a 18yr M because things have gotten really bad. I don't think M is something you just give up on. I think this is worth fighting for. I know they just want me to stop hurting and I will. This is making me stronger than I ever knew I could be. I am on this journey and I am going to ride it out to the end.
This predicament is not uncommon and is addressed in the book by stating these people are buying because YOU are hurting and don't always give the best advice.
Ignore their advice, and if it becomes too troublesome tell them to leave you alone about it. You do what you think is best, right, and congruous to your goals. You don't owe anyone any explanations if you are doing so.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Thursday into Wednesday something W said on Wednesday when I watched the boys for her was bothering me. I smelled wine on her breath when she came and she knew I did and said she stopped at our friends house and had a glass. I could tell this was a lie. S10 was there when she said it. I let it go but on Thursday I inadvertently found out for a fact it wasn't true. I was restless all night thinking about it. I wasn't sure if I should address it or not. To my surprise at 7am I get a text from W. It said btw the other night when S10 asked if I was at a bar I did stop and get a bite to eat and a drink but I wasn't going to say that in front of him. I'm sorry if it didn't set well with you. I called and told her it wasn't a big deal but I did appreciate her being honest with me.
Friday S7 and S4 went away with FIL and MIL for the weekend. I had S10 for the whole weekend. We went to my dads to do Christmas presents. We had a good time but I was exhausted from the lack of sleep the night before. We got up Saturday morning and relaxed in the hot tub. We got showers then went out for breakfast then did some shopping. In the afternoon I took S10 to the gym with me. We did our workout and went home and got some rest.
After a little nap I got up and decided to try something new. I saw a recipe on Facebook for something that looked really good. I bought all of the ingredients and decided I would take my first shot at baking. I did all of the baking and put the finished product in some Tupperware. We took the snack to friends house who was having a get together for NYE. I hadn't tried it but everybody that did said it was amazing and went back for seconds. It made me feel really good and made me realize that stepping out of your comfort zone can be very rewarding.
Today we are hanging out and watching football. Tonight we are going to a friends to exchange gifts. It will be W, all 3 boys, some friends and me. I'm a little under the weather but I will do my best to be upbeat while I'm there. I did bake my new specialty to take to the party.
After this first week of living apart I realize I am far from detached. I am doing well with GAL but the detaching needs some work.
Me:42 W:37 M:18 T:23 3S: 4,7,10 EA 6/16 ILYBNILWY 7/16 9/16 separate BR 10/16 Discernment Counseling She's moving out 1/17
Just got back from the get together at our friends house. W was pleasant but not overly chattie. I had a great time with the kids and our friends laughing and joking around. Didn't interact with W a whole lot but the funny thing is I had no problem keeping my focus off of her. I thought I would have to fake having a good time since I am a little sick but I genuinely had a great time. I guess this is a step in the right direction.
Me:42 W:37 M:18 T:23 3S: 4,7,10 EA 6/16 ILYBNILWY 7/16 9/16 separate BR 10/16 Discernment Counseling She's moving out 1/17
To my surprise at 7am I get a text from W. It said btw the other night when S10 asked if I was at a bar I did stop and get a bite to eat and a drink but I wasn't going to say that in front of him. I'm sorry if it didn't set well with you. I called and told her it wasn't a big deal but I did appreciate her being honest with me. .
I would have said nothing or simply "no worries"... more toward being polite but not invested...
I am simply trying to add some clarity to being polite and detached. The lack of emotional attachment is subtle... but with practice I think the message is sent and received at a subconscience level for women... IMHO
Sounds like good progress in general given the tough situation.
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
Yesterday was a mixed bag for me. I started of having a really bad day at work. When I have bad days like that I seem to allow everything going on in my sitch to explode on my head. I eventually worked through it on my own. I got a good workout in and then came home. W stopped in with the kids to talk about something regarding the boys. It was pleasant as most of our conversations are lately.
She asked if I would help her with a mattress for S4 room at her place. I drove over and helped her and said goodbye without hanging around at all. I went home and made some dinner then went out to watch the football game. During the game she called to ask me something about a tv show for the boys. I responded and she was appreciative and replied with some smiley emojis.
I love the fact that we are able to talk and communicate so well at this point. I hope that this is laying the ground work for deeper talks in the future. I am continuing to GAL and that seems to always get me back on track when I'm feeling a little down.
Me:42 W:37 M:18 T:23 3S: 4,7,10 EA 6/16 ILYBNILWY 7/16 9/16 separate BR 10/16 Discernment Counseling She's moving out 1/17
Had my boys after school today. It is crazy around here with the 3 of them running around yelling and screaming but I will take that over silence any day. I went online and found a new recipe for dinner, a 180 for me. It is no longer quick and easy meals when the boys are here. I am trying to plan ahead for the nights they are with me to have good meals for them. After dinner S7 had a basketball game which was a lot of fun.
Saw W today and it we were pleasant with each other. One of her friends said I should not be so nice to her but I'm going to treat her like a friend as long as she isn't being disrespectful to me which she hasn't been at all.
I have a coaching session tomorrow that I am looking forward to.
Me:42 W:37 M:18 T:23 3S: 4,7,10 EA 6/16 ILYBNILWY 7/16 9/16 separate BR 10/16 Discernment Counseling She's moving out 1/17
Nice to hear something positive is happening in your sitch. Let us know how the coaching session goes. I've been thinking about investing in 3 sessions myself, but it's a lot of $ and I'd like to hear your opinion before I do it...
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
