Ok, well I just got the spew via text and I'm not sure how to respond.... If I respond at all....
It was along the lines of......I never did anything in the m, he supported me and asked for nothing in return, I had every opportunity to fix this, how dare I do this to him, he never wants to see me or speak to me again....he's not going to let me see the dog.. And on and on and on.
Advice? theres so much I want to say.... Truth darts.... But it would be completely pointless right? Just bite my tongue, yes?
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hi Feyth, I'm sorry you are getting texts like that. Don't respond to them and stick to business only with him. Jus focus on keeping your own little boat afloat in stormy seas.
Keep posting and we are all rooting for you .
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Ah yes, the litany of "you contributed nothing, you did nothing, blah blah blah" How well I know that song and dance!
Feyth, you could do what I did: let your temper get the best of you and meet fire with fire ...
I don't recommend you do that.
What I would do differently today if stbxh started ranting and raving: either a. ignore or b. a text saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way."
and then silence.
N/C is also for your psychological wellbeing.
I'm sorry you are targeted with this ugliness right now. I know exactly how that feels and it's horrible. Even worse is the realization of how utterly low the MLCer will go. I was left wondering exactly whom it was I'd spent over half my life with, which was devastating.
You will get through this. It's time to set a firm but gentle boundary that given the current tenor of the conversation, you feel it best to discuss things through your lawyer. Then shut it down. Block his number for 24 hours if you feel that's helpful.
Once you've done that honey take a shower to wash off the metaphoric spew. Have a nice cup of tea. Be extremely gentle with yourself. Focus on self-care.
You can stand up for yourself in a gentle yet respectful way. His tantrums are more about him, not you.
{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Aah, yes...the MLC lingo at its best. He's angry because you aren't bending to his way of thinking. He's angry because you are standing your ground. He's acting like a spoiled 2 yr old brat who isn't getting his way. He's going to stomp his feet and threaten everything from here to the moon and back...but you know what? You need to let him stew in own juices in that stew pot.
Please do not respond to his text of ranting and raving. If you do, you are feeding into his attention getting behavior. It doesn't matter whether it's positive or negative energy, but you need to remain silent and just let him be. You aren't going to be able to reason w/him and I do think that if you respond and say that you are sorry he feels that way, it will fuel is anger that much more at this time.
It's best to let this one simmer for a while. He will contact you again, but from here on out...everything needs to go through your lawyer. I know exactly what you are going through and I, too, got those nasty texts/emails from my xh when he realized that I wasn't going to allow him to walk all over me during the divorce. My lawyer's advice was golden...he advised me to not respond and that was the best advice I was given. What he's doing is trying to bully you into submission and if that doesn't work, he'll come at you w/being nice or try something different. Please do not open yourself up to any more grief from this man. Until he grows up and realizes what he's lost, he's going to be a Peter Pan, searching for something that only he has within him.
Please do not respond to his rants. You do not owe him anything at this time. This is a business deal that has gone sour and he's a very angry man because he's not getting what he thinks he deserves.
Please, please take care of yourself and listen to your lawyer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think overall, it's important to break the pattern of - he does X - you do Y.
For example - he sends nasty texts - you feel sick.
In the early days, if our MLCer sends a message, it is difficult for us not to respond - initially in practice and later on, just emotionally. But in time and with gentle persistence, we can get to a place where they initiate and we feel very little in response.
Just keep on moving forward - and even if you have an emotional response yourself - avoid engaging with your H on anything other than business.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
As you GAL and move on this will have less of an impact on you. I believe this is to teach us how to set boundaries with these people in a healthy way for ourselves. I would not respond as its really not worth a response.
Just so you know my EXW will still show this side and its been years. I never respond. It doesn't really affect me.
This has helped me deal with all sorts of people who are like this in everyday life, business, family etc.
This is a gift in more ways then one if you can get past the hurt and see the benefits. Not an easy thing but one that will greatly help you in the future.
Yep, even though my h has not filed, I also have heard that I have contributed nothing to the marriage?!? (I think that line is on page 4 of the MLC handbook.)
BTW - one of th VERY craziest truisms of MLC is that the MLCer really believes everything will go exactly as he/she fantasizes. When my h told me he wanted an open marriage, he was as shocked that I said no, as I was that he asked. He even said he was surprised that I said no?!? I could tell he was already 3 steps ahead in his "planning."
Don't answer him! Remember anything you write can be shown to lawyers. Use your lawyer!!! Plus, he is a bratty punk. I think of Sotto's line: operate from your best self. (Her wording is more eloquent, though.)
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I've read and re-read each of your comments. Thank you for reaching out.
I have not responded and I won't respond. I did have to have a talk with someone last night and I begged for brutal honesty. We went through all the questions- am I going to far? Is he right? Do I deserve this? Am I making this up?
Lastly, yes, I absolutely do need to break the habit of- if he does x, I do y.
This is absolutely crazy making.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
