Divorce was the worst thing that I've ever been through in my life. But, having survived the ordeal, I realized that I was often paralyzed with the fear of the worst that could happen and rarely gave much thought to the best that can happen. Believe it or not, sometimes good things happen. Stop dwelling on the bad things that might happen and be open to the proposition that something good may actually happen. This guy may actually like your OCD quirks. Have you considered that?
Give yourself a break and let it happen. It may not work out, but then again, it might be spectacular.
Hi Georgiabelle, I understand what you're feeling. I was criticized and belittled regularly in the last few years of my marriage. Again, some things were legitimate (hey, we're human too)and some weren't. I tried to change things that were legitimate but it made no difference as she would just move on to something else to attack. It gets to you. You start to feel that maybe you just can't really please another by being who you are. The first five months of any relationship is a honeymoon period, he's seeing the best in you and you see the best in him. You wonder whether down the line this will still be the case because you've been there before. Maybe right now just recognizing that you have this inside you is enough...it's there. You don't have to act on it, just recognize that this fear is there. As you grow to trust your new relationship this may subside. Give it time.
Georgiabelle - Am I dating you? I'm a quiet guy who likes doing the ironing and is a fair cook but will admit to not knowing how to make sweet potato souffle so maybe it's not me.
If it were me (and I'm pretty sure it's not), all of these things you are saying and all that is being learned is just being filed away as part of the picture he is painting inside himself of you. Add some sparkles and rainbows to the picture - tell him what a great day you just had for example. Ask about him and his day and - this is important - listen and remember the details. Guys like me love it when someone we care about cares about us. I can assure that not all guys are storing up ammunition for a future battle - some are just painting.
You've got this - just be the best you that you can be and most importantly, be the "real" you.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
GB, I'm so happy you've found someone who's working well in your life.
I don't know if you followed my thread in the early days I was with My Guy, but I felt just the same as you. I did not act like my best self. I'm so fortunate he was able to see good qualities in me anyway and persevered.
For me, the anxieties didn't start to dissipate until just a couple of months ago (we've been dating a year now). It wasn't' the time that made the difference in my comfort in the relationship, it was a couple of things that occurred and how he and I navigated them. We had a big fight over something in which he was objectively wrong, and I handled it poorly. I was going to just hide from the argument but he insisted we work through it -- and then he showed me that he had the skills to help us both get where we needed to be. After that I felt a lot more secure in the relationship and how I've conducted myself in my whole life has changed. That's made things progress in the relationship a lot better.
I'm not going to bop you over the head. It takes a lot of courage to try again after the things that have happened to us! Give yourself credit for that and try if you can to remember that he is not the same guy as your ex. He will have complaints and they will be different than your ex's complaints. Some of the things your ex criticized your new guy might see as strengths. And you also, when you feel more comfortable, will have complaints and reservations. Which you are absolutely entitled to, no matter how much ironing he does.
The best thing you can be is yourself. That's the person he will have to live with for as long as you are together. Of course you want to be your best self, but you have to be authentic. There's going to come a day when he will be raging mad at you, or you will be raging mad at him, and that will scare the daylights out of you. Try to welcome it when it happens, because how you both cope with that day will determine a lot.
Last thing -- even if he has the same complaints as your ex, that DOES NOT mean those complaints are valid, or that they diminish your value as a person. It just means those things are hard for him to adapt to. If they end up being dealbreakers FOR HIM, that STILL does not speak to your lovableness. Dating is a process of determining how well two people relate to each other, not a way of determining your worth.
My Guy has helped me be better at most of my relationships. He's helped me learn to be more like the person I want to be. If your guy does that for you, then you're on the right track. It's scary but however it turns out it will be OK.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks so much for stopping by. Every one of you. Hugs to you all! I had to regroup and after posting went silent for a few weeks. Thanks for your support, kind words, and humor. Always appreciated and digested. Even though I can be stubborn. And thanks for not bopping me on the head, MB. I need all of the brain cells I can keep at this juncture:)
It's not that I don't feel worthy of the new guy. It's that I think I struggle with the fact that things are different? I'm sure this won't be articulated appropriately, however, I struggle mightily with the fact that things aren't what I thought they would be. Even though they are in many ways better? I don't know if that makes sense. NG is fabulous. He cooked with my kids while I went out with my best friend on my birthday. FTR, I duct taped myself together so that I wouldn't fall apart as I inch towards being a centenarian:)
He is wonderful and very open with his concerns and flaws. He says he has never felt this way before and I have not either. Although, I'm not sure if we ever feel the same in any relationship or about a person? Maybe this is the issue..when I am away from him I wonder. However, I am not specifically wondering about. The wondering is not about him-I trust him and he has given me no reason not to do so. I wonder about me. But I am not sure what that is? Perhaps it just takes time. And I am committed to giving it time even.
The universe has been chattering away at me. I was catching up on other threads about "types." I have a tendency to attract artistic, creative, more sensitive types. However, on a very primal level, what I find very physically attractive (which always subsides) are the guys who are a bit rough around the edges. Blue collar guys. OMG. I find that so hot. Those men are never interested in me. I think (who knows as I am just throwing up here) I thought I might date someone like that? Which is crazy because those people aren't attracted to me. I did go out with 2 of those guys after I got divorced and while I was off the charts attracted to them, there was nothing else there. And I'm not even sure the physical thing was reciprocated. However, I ran into both of them this past weekend and I thought "why didn't they think I was attractive?' I dunno. I am rambling.
I am very attracted to new guy. Certain things have never been this good. I'm sure some is him and some is me...and that I have relaxed a bit and feel very secure in many of my insecurities at this point. I know divorce changes us. Some of those changes I like. Some I'm not so sure. However, they are there.
Anyway, on another universal chatter note, ex Mr. GB has suddenly become very talkative. I suspected something was p this summer with some texts he sent me. Reminiscing. I knew something was really up when he reached out on my birthday which he hasn't acknowledged in 3 years. He said to me yesterday, "GB, it is very difficult dating women under 30. You know they all want to get married and have kids." I said, "I'm sure it is." Allegedly, he is moving (again) in January without his live in GF. She just got her first job in June. He said he is tired of moving. I'm not sure if he told her he is moving or if he is going to spring it on her kind of like he did me. I didn't ask. As Job says, the answers reveal themselves. I can't ask. It would take too much energy.
Thanks for bearing with me and that rambling post of nothing. My brain is in overdrive. Tomorrow is the 3 year anniversary of BD and I would be lying if I said it hasn't kicked some feelings up.
Sending positive energy and hugs to you all.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
THANK YOU! I SO needed to hear that very last part of your post about how tomorrow is 3 year anniversary of BD and you would be lying if you said it hasn't kicked up feelings. This weekend will be 2 year anniversary of our divorce being final and this week has been a rough one for me emotionally. I SO needed to know that someone else has those feelings, because I sometimes think it must just be me. I know there is no time limit on grieving something or moving on or any of that, but sometimes I just feel so very alone in my weird feelings. So, again, thank you for saying that.
I so enjoy your posts as they seem so upbeat. You are what I aspire to be someday.....happy and in a new relationship with someone. Oh and the blue collar guy thing...TOTALLY get that!
Me 51, H52 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 7 grandkids
I wanted to talk about attraction. It's a funny funny thing. I don't know if I have been attracted to a particular type, but yes, it is usually blue collar guys.. And older men, lol. And that's who I have been dating. So maybe I am. But if a suit and tie executive walked into my life, I would certainly look his way, and if he was a wonderful man on top of that, well, score!
There have been guys I have dated who have been physically attractive, but that went away when their not so attractive inner looks showed. They were no longer pleasing to my eye. There have been guys that might not catch my eye, but their personality made them very physically attractive to me.
Don't try to fit him in a box. He fits wonderfully in your life right now, and what he's got going on is certainly working for you! And him! That's so incredibly awesome!
Some of us never forget the bomb date. 9 years, and it still rocks me a bit. Considering any post D R I have had ended at the same time of BD, it's just not a good time for me and shakes up some stuff.
But it passes quickly, and I am sure it will for you too!
This is my version of a drive by. Can you see me waving? I applaud your musings while moving forward. You're gonna be okay. Really.
BTW, yesterday marked the 14 year anniversary of the bomb for me. I ordered out pizza from a new place in acknowledgment. I had one thought last night that kept me from getting some decent sleep. My XH walked out the door and never looked back. He didn't make any effort to reconcile whatsoever. Yet he has broken up and gotten back together with his GF 3x. Three f*cking times. Okay, so my D22 says this indicates that he's the equivalent of a middle school boy. (That still makes me laugh.) But the underlying feeling I get is "why didn't our marriage vows make you want to do the same for us"? Here I am, navel gazing a twist on the same question 14 years later. That seems totally insane to me.
But I'm feeling differently today, don't ya know. My D22 comes home Friday night for the week, and we're all excited about that. I'd rather focus on how great it will be to have her home than on bomb day anyway.
BTW, earlier in my life I liked guys who were a bit rough around the edges. They were fun and they actually like me (I still seem to have the same pheromones today haha - I think the initial kickoff is my fondness for the F word). But after 6 months or so, I wanted to talk about stuff that was more cerebral. They quickly saw that instead of wanting to be that guy, they dumped me. I figured out in my early 20s that I needed a white collar guy who underneath came from blue collar roots. And I married a guy like that. It dawned on me in my 30s that I actually am attracted to geeks: super smart dudes that don't want the world to know how smart they are. For some reason, that turns ME on. LOL. Now I need to find an adult version of that person who hasn't pickled his liver in the process...
Merry Christmas to all of you!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
p.s. I forgot to mention one positive from my post above. Although my XH didn't look back, he *did* put a whole lot of effort into being a better friend and co parent. So I guess I did get the best possible outcome. Better to have had his truth than my hope for a good lie?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."