What should I be doing now (Time to Move on?)

[Coconut]

hey doodler, it's good to see you still got jokes... you still tinkering around the house? did those columns in the front ever get painted?

so I came back to post because I was reading through another thread, and the person had put a lot of emphasis on the fact that it was the one year anniversary of BD in his sitch..

I then had to look at my signature to see my date.. it made me realize how far i've really come, it's not a significant event in my life... sure it's essentially when my M ended, but the BD itself is not significant enough to me to remember the date. There was a time when I would have used that date to text her and try and make her feel guilty about what she's done, when I hurt so I wanted her to hurt.. Man I've come a long way...

[doodler]

hey doodler, it's good to see you still got jokes... you still tinkering around the house? did those columns in the front ever get painted?

Coconut,

That wasn't a joke.

Yes, I'm still doing all sorts of stuff to my house. And yes, I did paint the columns last summer. The painted the main part of the columns tone-on-tone champagne (light gold) and the pedestal and the top part (whatever it's called) is painted statuary bronze with gold accent. My sons call the house "the castle" although it's hardly a castle.

My youngest son and I also built a go-kart. That was an awesome project, and he has a parking spot in the garage.

With regard to BD, I don't really keep track of dates and I'm not sure of the date of my BD. But, I still have a hankering to repay the OM is some special way. Soon, I'll be attending and annual series of events that occurs every Thursday evening for about six weeks. The OM is usually there too. Just prior to the event, via Amazon, I'll be sending the OM a gift of a douchebag and a tube of Vagisil along with a special note telling him how much I appreciate him. I don't think that's DB, but it's going to be a fun summer for sure.

[BluWave]

C-nut,

You HAVE come a long way, and at lightning speed. I have always been drawn to your thread. You started posting soon after I did, and I remember reading your stuff in the beginning. You were all over the map (love you tho) and everyone would throw giant 2*4s at you left and right. lol.

But you, YOU, took them in stride. Your ego kept creeping in--you tried to fight it--but you were still able to take in the advice and self-reflect. You kept pulling yourself up by the boot straps and then you would keep on trying. It is very admirable and inspiring from this side of the computer. I hope you know that.

And look where you are now? You have been able to look at your sitch from different angles, try and be a better man, and then ultimately you are able to make changes in your life that move you forward. It's pretty awesome!

Blu

[Coconut]

I posted this on BluWave's thread, and wanted to copy it hear as a update.

That's the crux of it all, trying to find that innocence that once existed. I will just share my place on the otherside (not piecing). Just to recap my story, I realized one night, my WW had distanced herself from me, I spent the next month trying to fix things. Month later BD, emotional A with kissing, I saw texts. Spent the next 2 months with her saying she was committed to M, but couldn't go NC due to both being volunteers at Fire dept. 2 months after BD I found out still in contact and that a mutual friend wanted to go out with Ww and meet this OM, I was done at that point, took 2 more months to sell the house and S. 4 months after that I moved out of state, haven't spoken since...

Is it better than the daily struggle of trying to piece, I dunno, but is a hell of a lot easier than in house separation.. I'm doing good, I worked the hell out of GAL, and now do lots of things that I love, but those could be done even if I was still with ex. Not having to work through issues with the WS is great, but sometimes during the downtime the house is too quiet, too much being alone. I miss the good times, feel hurt/anger when I replay specific conversations or acts of betrayal during our sitch, but I don't have any memory (it never happened) of remorse, I never got an apology, she never said she would do whatever she could to make us work.

In all, I think moving on is an easier path, you get to focus on self and only have to work on you, not on self and couple... But I think I would of preferred seeing/hearing remorse and trying to come together to build something going forward...

I guess my point is neither path is easy, both have their challenges, but knowing that WS regrets what they did would be my most sought after reward for having to suffer through either path.

I also think being ready to open up to someone new, and starting a new R will improve many of the "bad" times I experience, but I'm just not at that point yet, and not willing to rush it.

[Coconut]

I miss the good times, feel hurt/anger when I replay specific conversations or acts of betrayal during our sitch.

I want to expand on this a little.

I moved out of state almost 4 months ago, and it was bliss. I didn't have to drive by places that reminded me of her, I was 700 miles away from her and didn't have to worry about running into her when I went out, I had the ability to just go explore my new area and do what I wanted..

that lasted about 2 months, I know realize that moving didn't erase everything like it felt, it just covered it up for a little while (which was a nice break :), but over the last couple of months my mind occasionally wanders. I still have to work through some of my feelings.

I think of the good times, the excruciatingly bad times, and just what was lost in general. BUT, at just over 1 year since the first sign of anything wrong, I can think of these things without much emotion, there's a little sadness but not much, certainly nothing debilitating like when everything was fresh.

However, two days ago I got the urge to again research D in FL. I had started filling out the paperwork back in January or so, but got caught up in filling out the financial documents, for some reason I was just having a difficult time trying to get it all down, and I also had no interest in contacting her to get her information, so I put it aside. Well, 2 days ago I found information on a "simplified" divorce that FL has, basically all you have to do is complete a 2 page form, mostly fill in the blank, and both parties sign that the divorce is irreparable.. and you can even state that all assets and debt have been divided and we wish to keep it private, so you don't even have to fill out the financial information.

so I thought to myself, well, since it's this easy, I might as well get it done. Starting reading the process, and it stated that both parties "MUST" attend court together once and affirm that the marriage is irreparable.. hmmm, starting thinking about standing up in court and saying that the M has failed and can't be saved was a little more than I could handle, and the tears flowed.

Well, I'll be danged, where is this coming from I asked myself.. If my STBXW came to me and said that she wanted to give it another shot, I really, really, really don't think I would be willing to do that. I would say I wouldn't give it a second thought, cause that's how I feel now, but I realize feelings may change when really given the option. Who knows, maybe I just want to feel that way now since I don't really have any other option, and it's my minds way of protecting me. But honestly, I love the idea of the getting back with the W I remember, but that's not who she is, and she never will be again. I don't even know her anymore.

so for now, the 2 page easy to fill out petition for divorce sits on my bookcase until I can wrap my head around saying those words in court.

[Natus]

it stated that both parties "MUST" attend court together once and affirm that the marriage is irreparable.. hmmm, starting thinking about standing up in court and saying that the M has failed and can't be saved was a little more than I could handle, and the tears flowed.

This is what i had to do. It was easy to be honest to get up there and say it. Still scar-ed me though. Like having a hole burned into your soul, i had to listen to her say she tried to make it work.

Like you i knew there was no way back, she was not interested, and even if she did shes not willing to do what it takes. She doesnt care enough about you or the R to do any lasting work.

Im not saying do it, you can just continue on as you are now until it gets there. It doesn't change your situation one bit.

[lt0402]

Hey coconut, so much of what you say above resonates with me. We got here about the same time with some similar issues. It's been an absolutely brutal journey to this point, but hell, we've both survived man. I can see how putting distance bt you and your W would mask, but not relieve the hurt. The wounds are just way too deep for that to fully be the solution.

I'm about a week away from w and I moving into separate places. The in house S thing has left scars on my soul, but it's also made me stronger than I thought I could ever be. I know from watching your journey that you've built immense strength as well and for that you should be extremely proud.

But with that said, we have to realize we are still vulnerable. There are parts of us that still freaking care, even if we've buried them deep down inside. So, it's ok to feel the hurt sometimes. It's ok to recognize and accept that htis crap that was thrust upon us (some of our own doing) [censored]. In fact, I think that's completely healthy. You have to experience it, process it, then let it go.

I suspect that's what will happen with the 2 page divorce paper. It will sit there for a bit and the pain will come and go when you see it. But I would guess that one day you'll look at it, realize you've let go of the past, and will sit down and hammer it out. You'll see W for the court date and again you'll feel the pain, but when it's all finished and you get back to your new home you'll feel like a prisoner that was just freed from jail. It'll just take time for you to take those final steps.

I also know how it feels to get no remorse for Ws actions. I've expressed remorse and apology for my faults but have gotten none in return. It's frustrating and maddening and not fair. But, that's the path our Ws have chosen. We can't control that choice and we shouldn't let that control us. Like you, im at a point where I say when we are S I am done. I've fought too long and too hard without any effort on my Ws part to fix this to allow that second chance. Call it closed minded or callous, but I just don't ever see myself offering her that hand again to stand out M back up. She's made her choices and is getting her freedom, I need mine. So I completely get your thoughts there.

Sorry for the rambling thoughts. I see you in a place I'll soon be and I know you'll find your way out of it. I know I'll be able to as well. The strength we've built this past year will make it easier. So hang in there brother. Times are tough, but they are less tough than a year ago. I've no doubt a year from now all of this will be but a memory reflected upon from a much happier place. Keep on your path my friend and stay strong!

[Coconut]

LT,

Your strength to stay in a in-house separation astonishes me, the few months I spent in that situation were the worst months of my life. There is some relief that comes without seeing WW on a daily basis, but the quietness can be difficult at times. Having your D over will fix that when she's there.

My suggestion would be to really set your place up how you want, think man cave, it really helps to have your house set up to your liking, and makes it easier to make it feel like a home. I even put my small boat in my living room for awhile, because I could and I enjoyed sitting in it while watching tv and having it inside when I was doing modifications to it.. Make it someplace you enjoy being.

It will take awhile to start feeling at "home", but you will get there.

[Coconut]

I think I realized something today, I don't think I've forgiven her.. Sure I don't harbor the amount of anger that I once had; because I don't dwell on that anger, I thought I'd forgiven my ex, but then I saw she liked a post my mom made on FB and it bothered me. I snooped and saw she's on my moms friend list.

I know my mom is friends with her only because of my son, it's her way of keeping up with my son who doesn't use FB. I also know without a doubt my mom, or any family member, would unfriend her if I asked, but I haven't and never would, because of my son.. But I still felt it, the disgust that she was somehow, in someway, still able to "keep up" with my families goings on (I have an awesome family unit).

The funny thing is that I'm still somewhat close to her family, I visit different members when I'm in the area (her mom lives in my new state half the year and her aunt lives here), but I resent the thought of her having anything to do with mine. My next leg of this journey is going to be tough.

Today I thought about the possibility that I need to call her, that I need to take the risk of opening old wounds to be able to move forward, that I need to prove that being "friendly" with her won't discount the hurt I felt in the past, but will reinforce (to me) that I've moved forward, that I'm secure in my new place in life without her.

Grrrr, I hate that I can't erase her from my life, I'm a year out and I'm already dreading that I'll need to see her at my sons graduation. I don't want to feel like that, I shouldn't feel like that, my son deserves more than to have his stepfather (me), biological father, and mother all in separate groups at any special function of his life.

I really need to figure out how to forgive her, because I've begun to realize that avoidance isn't the same as forgiving.

[Coconut]

I have been spending more time on this forum, it's always been a goal of mine to spend time here, trying to share my experience with those going through the pain that I once felt, and give them a helping hand.

But coming back has caused me to reflect, and that's ok cause it doesn't hurt like it used to... And I've realized I'm a failure. Other than GAL and being more sociable, I've stopped doing the things that I want to, no, that I need to do to be a better man. I've allowed my self to wallow in self pity, and stopped doing the things that made me proud of who I'd become. It's funny how doing the little things can really give you a since of accomplishment and pride.

So today I woke up and made my bed, I shaved, and I did some things around the house that I've been letting slide.

Today, I'm going to start living for me again, and stop letting the fact that I live alone be a reason to not look my best and overlook things that I would do if someone else was watching.