Your commitment, desire, and love for your husband is being tested now. Everything you do from this point forward either sends the message that you are in or you are out.
I'm not a believer in having to be someone's doormat just because you made a horrible mistake.
But I am a believer that true commitment and true love will endure ANYTHING to show how real it is.
There will be setbacks. Plan for them.
Stay consistent in who you are and the message you are sending. But that doesn't mean you become his whipping boy.
Tough road in front of you.
Question is how badly do you really want it.
Blessings, Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Hi, and welcome! It's great that you are here, I am so sorry for your predicament.
I agree that he is using the other women to dull his pain.
Having been cheated on in a big way by my husband, this is what I would have wanted my WH to say:
"I understand that I have hurt you more than I can fathom. I am so, so, sorry. I have destroyed so much with these selfish and thoughtless actions, and I can only hope that you will give me an opportunity to repair some of the damage I have caused, if nothing else for our child and family."
"I will go to counseling to get help to find out how I could do such a thing. I understand if you need time to yourself to figure out what you want. If you have any questions, I will answer them openly, as many times as you need. Maybe I don't have all the answers myself, but I will be completely transparent and open."
In short, let him know you regret, feel remorse and empathy, that you want to save your marriage, but won't try to 'manage' the way he gets through this.
And then expect that this may take several years. It sounds like a lot, but you'll surprised at how quickly time passes.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
yesterday got me to thinking about the holidays that are around the corner and my husbands birthday... should I plan to spend them alone or bring it up to him and see if he's thought about them. traditionally thanksgiving is spent at his families and we have Christmas at our house. and what about his birthday should I just buy him a gift or make plans to celebrate with him, he's mentioned not having plans and I don't know if that was a clue for me to plan something lost
my husband is 28 and I'm 27, we have one son (6) together 10 married 5
my honest beliefs were things just became stale we both worked different shifts me working 1st and him 3rd at work. I did bring it up to him multiple times that I wanted more time for us to do things together and complained about not "going on dates" " being romantic" etc and he says he was taking what I said into consideration but things never changed or I just didn't give it enough time to change. when I "bumped" into this other person its not like I was actively looking for someone to have an emotional affair with it just happened and I admit I did enjoy the "wooing" as id call it romantic gestures sweat words etc. he was there for conversation when my spouse was sleeping from work or late at night when I was home alone in bed... yes I could've read a book found a hobby anything but cheat but instead I did what I did knowing it was wrong. since this separation my husband has indeed started a first shift job and so we're off at the same time and his response was that he was indeed working on it all I had to do was wait and give him time and it makes me feel even worse.
Have you read the book on the 5 Love Languages?
Judging from your comments, I wonder if quality time and/or Words of Affirmation may be your primary LLs. I wonder which are your husbands? Id check this book out if you havent.
update for the new year I count anything as a blessing. still in house separated he is back sleeping in the bedroom (due to basement being too cold for the winter. he has let me know that he plans to move out at the end of the month. I've being doing a lot of work on my self to help get my mind stronger through all of this. as much as I wish he'd stay home its really unhealthy. he says as long as he is here he's is reminded of the affair every time he looks at me and admitted that he needs time away from me but is still sticking to the big D word. he wants to move out and begin his new life on the other end I'm still hoping and wishing for some forgiveness.
my husband is 28 and I'm 27, we have one son (6) together 10 married 5
As someone who was cheated on and B dropped. His anger and pain is probably driving alot of what he is doing or saying.
You have done all you can, he needs to find his way to heal.
Sounds cliche but maybe once both of you are at a better place you will find each other again.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
lost