When we separated she agreed she'd pay all of "her" bills. So I gave them to her. She has no idea of her cost of living her lifestyle. I've always paid the bills. So now when she gets paid, considerably less than me, she pays her bills that she can, buys stuff for her looks and fun that she considers necessity. Then doesn't have enough for gas or food. She gets paid this Friday. I guarantee by Monday she's "broke" again. No sense of budgeting even though I made her a budget when she first moved out.
When we separated she agreed she'd pay all of "her" bills. So I gave them to her. She has no idea of her cost of living her lifestyle. I've always paid the bills. So now when she gets paid, considerably less than me, she pays her bills that she can, buys stuff for her looks and fun that she considers necessity. Then doesn't have enough for gas or food. She gets paid this Friday. I guarantee by Monday she's "broke" again. No sense of budgeting even though I made her a budget when she first moved out.
Why are you feeding her? She isn't budgeting properly. It's her choice to choose non-necessities over necessities.
I know, but the excuse tonight was she wasn't able to feed our D. Plus, as a Christian, I feel if someone's hungry and I can then I should feed them. Yes, I know, that's an excuse. Like I said earlier, I do good not contacting her. But when I feel she has a legitimate need I try to help. Again, I've been doing this for over 25 years. It's hard to just hang her out to dry even though that's what she's doing to me.
See, here's the thing about communication. When you're trying to validate what someone is telling you, you NEVER say 'but'. That negates everything you just validated up to the 'but' word.
"the excuse tonight was she wasn't able to feed our D."
Then you feed your D and not allow your W to have her. No one told you to let her go hungry.
"Plus, as a Christian, I feel if someone's hungry and I can then I should feed them. Yes, I know, that's an excuse."
Yes it is. Here's what will happen. When she finds someone to help pay for her bills, do you think she's going to remember all of the Christian things you've done for her?
"Like I said earlier, I do good not contacting her."
From your postings, you do that out of fear. There's a difference between you doing that because you don't want to and are in a position of strength, but you do that out of fear for what she might do. So your idea of "doing good" isn't what you want to make yourself believe it is.
"But when I feel she has a legitimate need I try to help. Again, I've been doing this for over 25 years. It's hard to just hang her out to dry even though that's what she's doing to me."
God also gave people free will. She made the choice to leave. If you want to see her as the prodigal son, that's the way it is. She has to hit rock bottom in order to consider going back to her family. She isn't going to get there if you're always there with the net to catch her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Dad, First, I agree with whoever suggested changing your screen name. I'm not a big rah-rah, inspirational message guy, but even I feel the depression seeping from your name.
I'm a Christian too. So was my ex-wife. I know you need encouragement, and the fact that my story ended in divorce probably scares you and isn't very comforting. Sorry about that.
But you know what?
I count my story as an amazing success.
Every story is different here, though we all arrive here with the same goal. Some marriages get saved. Many marriages do not. Nevertheless, there are way more success stories here than failures. The ending us mostly up to you, though you probably can't see or believe that just yet.
So...some of my take on your situation. Just my opinion - do with it what you will.
I think your wife is going through MLC. Mine did the same. Something about sudden life changes after 20 years or so of marriage seems to make things prone to MLC. Your wife feels like she is a new person, and her new person simply cannot be happy and fulfilled in her boring old life. Bet she's even said things to that effect.
Her changes, along with 20 years of stagnation in your relationship, makes her decision seem perfectly logical to her. That family and friends cannot see this just makes her mad, and stiffens her resolve.
She wants out. You need to let her out. You can't make her stay.
What can you do?
You can take care of yourself and your kids. You can use this unwanted change in your life to make some changes in yourself and your life you thought you'd never have the chance to make. They call that "getting a life" around here. I'd call it caring enough about yourself to choose living even when you're dying inside.
No kudos from me on your weight loss. It happens to all of us who receive the bomb - something about a sudden and pervasive lack of appetite. I'll be impressed if you take the results of the "divorce diet" and turn them into seriously making some permanent health and lifestyle changes that allow you a long healthy life.
I wouldn't try to hinder her efforts on the divorce. I would just be consistent in your lack of desire for one by refusing to celebrate it or help hurry it along.
She wants her own life, so honor her wishes. That means no money until legal proceedings are decided. That means no meals just because she is too irresponsible to buy food. That means sticking to an agreed upon schedule and conditions related to spending time with daughter. That means protecting your credit legally by getting her name and access off of joint financial accounts where possible.
It doesn't mean being rude - unless you just get angry and need to pop off (generally we try to minimize that though by working on detaching).
It doesn't mean doing fake stuff trying to scare her back, trying to impress her, or trying to stay on her good side. Fake is bad - really bad - and MLC'ers seem to be able to smell fake from nearby counties.
If you gotta mope, do it a bit. Then correct yourself by doing something that brings you great joy or satisfaction. If you don't know what those things are, that means your "get a life" work has been pathetic so far. Get on it.
Read here. Post here. Vent here. Listen, absorb, think about, and meditate on what people tell you here. They're writing to you because they KNOW what you're going through, and they CARE that you survive and thrive, no matter the outcome.
You will succeed,...if you want to succeed.
Blessings, Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I appreciate your response and it makes perfect sense. I'm not giving up hope though (no "but" Mr Bond). I still love this woman with all of my heart. I too think it's a MLC from what I've read. It seems like she's well into the replay stage. I'm trying to be loving, patient and understanding, although I'll never fully " understand" this. I'm sorry your M ended in D. If you don't mind me asking BWorl, how is your exW now? Do you have a relationship? Also, what do you mean the ending is really up to me.
I need validation. Self esteem at an all time low.
The worst thing for your mental health right now is for you to seek validation from others. The worst thing we can do for you is to give it to you. You have to validate yourself. You have to believe that you have worth. Someone you love is rejecting your love. It happens. It doesn't mean you don't have worth. It doesn't define you.
You have ZERO control over how your wife feels or what she does. What you have 100% control over is how you respond to it. Find your anger, find your strength. Don't be anyone's doormat ever. NOBODY respects a doormat and nobody can love someone they don't respect. Be brave. Validate your own self worth. Have courage. You can do this.
The ending is what you choose to make it. I know you came here with hopes of saving your M. Sadly not all get saved, actually most do not, but the victory is to save yourself, to rebuild a new and better you. Once you are under way of doing it, then it is called a success.
