Long story. My wife and I have been married 24 years. About 8 years ago she weighed about 270 lbs. she's always had low self esteem and ever liked the way she looked.
She had gastric bypass surgery and lost a lot of weight. She spowly did put some of it back on and started feeling bad about herself again. Some people I work with see a personal trainer so I recommended him to her and she started going back in December. About the same time she was having horrible periods. We found out she has fibroid tumors. Instead of a hysterectomy her Gyn put her on the hormone progesterone. She kept seeing the trainer and got in great shape but her moods were extreme. Last March she got a breast augmentation. Something she's always wanted. Then she got highlights put in her hair. She looks amazing and people noticed. She was still having problems with her periods so sex was almost nonexistent. Now we e had our ups and downs but no different than most other couples. Worries about money kids jobs etc no abuse affairs drug or alcohol problems. Throughout August she was very distant. Concentrating on work the gym and her appearance. I on the other hand was working lots of hours. After work I'd come home and cook supper for the kids wash dishes and laundry and pay the bills. I'd. Even doing all of this since she started with the trainer. I didn't mind at first because I felt like it was helping her. But then I admit I started getting resentful. She wasn't helping me at all and spending no time with our kids (daughter 15 and son 21 but lives at home). I was depressed and in a rut so I know I wasn't communicating or showing love the way I should. On August 17 she dropped the bomb. Said she wasn't happy. Felt like we were roommates. Wanted to have fun. The next day she told me she wasn't attracted to me at all. I admit I've put on weight and lost hair and my jobs taken a toll on my body. I have a bad back and had neck surgery a few years ago. The. She tells me I'm to short (5'9). She likes taller guys with dark hair. I started getting suspicious but she swore there was nobody else. The next day she got up and ready real early. U unusual for her on a Sunday morning and went for a drive by herself. She came back saying she had prayed and God want us to work on our marriage. We are religious people although we don't always live it like we should. Things were better for a few days but by the end of the week the distancing had returned. She said she wanted to try marriage counseling and I was for it. She set it up. We met with him the first time and she was very nervous acting and anxious. Pretty much said our life was boring.
The next time he wanted to meet alone with me. The next day she went by herself. Afterwards she wouldn't return my calls or texts. When I finally did get in touch she started yelling saying we needed to separate. She didn't come home for several hours. When she finally did she said she was going to a hotel the next night but would keep going to counseling. We didn't see her much the next week. She'd come home and get clothes or do laundry then leave. Our. Ext counseling she admitted she was "talking" to some guy. He was just a friend and was helping her deal with this. They started talking on Facebook. Supposedly at the same time she told me she wasn't happy. She agreed to stop contact with him. I got in touch with him myself that night and politely asked him to step back. He was a jerk. She promised she had broke off all contact with him. Later that week she found a room to rent a little more long term but no lease required. I gave her money for the rent and bought her a new bed. he next weekend she came to the house. Our son asked her to go tv shopping with him. She told him that I should because she knows nothing about tv. When we got home something just didn't seem right so I went driving around. I knew this guy lived somewhere close to us. I was driving and found her car at a house. I saw her him and his son having a bonfire. I went to them and questioned her about it. The son asked us to leave so we did. We stopped on the side of the road and talked. She told me she has feelings for him. She never went back to counseling but I'm still going. A few days later she told me she's decided she wants a divorce. I told my kids. They'd both just figured out about the other guy on their own. They're mad to say the least. About 2 weeks ago my father in law stopped by to tell me shed asked to borrow money to file. He said he didn't want to but they gave it to her and he apologized. That same night I had given her money to take our daughter to get a manicure and pedicure. They started arguing so she brought my daughter back home and dropped her off by herself crying. I had gone to my parents in the next town. My daughter called me and told me so I headed home. At the same time my son is out riding around and sees my wife's car at his house. She'd just dropped off our daughter at home. He got mad and started yelling stuff at them. The guy called me and told me that if he did it again he'd call the sheriff. My wife was ok with that. She hasn't spoke to our son but a hand full of times since. Last Saturday I was served with divorce papers in front of our daughter. A few days ago we took our daughter to a concert for her 16 birthday. My wife went. We had a ball. Just like old times. She even hugged me and let me kiss her. Met us for breakfast the next morning. After that she went to get a new phone. For some reason when she got her new phone I started getting all of her text conversations with other people including the guy. They keep talking about how much they love each other and how sexy the other is. I told her about it the next day of course she got mad at me. Everything's my fault. That night she came to the house to give our daughter something. My daughter dropped a bomb on my wife and said she'd had to choose between her boyfriend or her kids. My wife said she's not choosing. My daughter said I guess you just did. My wife called me afterwards accusing me of turning our kids and her family against her. Her parents and her sister are all against the stuff she's doing. I admitted to my faults in the marriage but told her these relationships are on her. BTW the guy is a painter who lives with his mother has 5 kids and has been in jail multiple times for beating his ex wife. As I'm typing this my wife is texting me asking for money. She's lied to everyone in the family but I still love her. She's convinced God is ok with the way she's acting. I've read the 6 phases of a MLC and the first 3 had to have been written about her to the letter. I feel like everything around her is starting to crumble. I would appreciate any advice or hope anyone could give. Thank you.
Last edited by Cadet; 10/11/1609:47 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: Consider this your homework.
Sad_Dad, sorry you're here, but IMO, whatever you do don't assist her financially in anyway. She left you, so in a way she fired you as her husband. People with a lot more experience will chime in, but I'm pretty sure most will agree being nice to your W will she is in an A will not bring her back.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Follow the 37 rules. 180 this woman hard. DO NOT finance her fantasy. Reality is going to set in very quickly because she latched on to such a loser. When it does she's going to crash hard. Don't be there to catch her. People only learn a lesson if they crash without a safety net.
Read the information in the links that has been posted for you. Don't try to reason with your wife right now because she has gone temporarily insane and can't be reasoned with.
I helped with her hotel and first months rent ONLY bc she promised to go to Church and keep going to counseling and try but she did neither. She's as we speak asking me for money for gas and groceries. I told her I didn't have a lot of money either but she could come eat with us. Now she says I'm being an ass and wants to know when I'm signing the papers.
It is going to sound like there is an echo around here. If she wants to move out, she needs to pay for it. She needs to financially support her new lifestyle. You want to establish boundaries.
At this point you can't believe any of what she says and only half of what she does. Put all of your time, effort and energy into being the best Sad_Dad and Dad that only a fool would leave.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
She moved out, she is having an affair, and she served you divorce papers. But you won't pay for her to live the single life and you're the ass?
Makes perfect sense.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
DO NOT give her money. That is not the 180. She's a grown adult in her 40's. She can earn her own money. One of the goals of the 180 is to show her the reality of her actions.
