I see similarities between my situation and yours in some ways, although the end game for me is somewhat different (read my thread). However, she may very well be trying to make you angry and end it yourself, because she feels guilty doing it to you (which means she cares about you). In my case, my husband sometimes says I can have a divorce if I want, not because he necessarily wants one, but I think he needs to hear me say I don't want one as otherwise he feels guilty about what he is doing (which means he cares). I think they are actually feeling a lot of anger at their own feelings but they take it out on us. Remember the saying, "Don't believe anything they say." I try to look at the things he says and see if there is another reason he might be saying it other than taking it at face value, and sometimes it actually makes more sense that way.
Focus on the positives she has said about you-that you are her best friend, that she is happy you are working out. Keep these things up. Yes, you want all or nothing, in or out, that's totally understandable. But I think it is better for the time being to say I'll accept less than all as long as we are still married, but if it ends in divorce then it's nothing. That gives her the space to work on what she needs to work on but at least lets her know the serious consequences of ending it.
I will be out of pocket for a few days. She will have our youngest two kids thru Sunday. While gone she is going to see an attorney for an informational meeting. It's scary how fast things are moving...she keeps saying that she wants out and there is nothing I can do to change her mind. I'm praying for a miracle.
Both of her parents have called me saying that I'm a son to them and that they do not want us to divorce, but that it isn't up to them. Talk about a kick in the...
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Sorry for your pain, I know how hard this is..It gets easier
Continue to take care of yourself..I think it helped me a lot in the beginning to just be there for my MLCER..like friends..Its hard, but I needed to do that for us- to see if it could be restored
The crises is hard because it is so sudden, and they do such a big switch from who they were..hard to understand, but because many of them seem to say the same things, we see patterns; we can see it is a crises and it follows a path
B4 they can recover, they need to get swept away..into replay.. This is where they seem so crazy and say all things to get out of the M irresponsible behavior, spending, addictions, affairs
Many leave, some return, yes we want them so much to stay and snap out but..they can't ,,,I heard others say its like being swept out to sea
It is not your fault..If it is a crises, it is hers , unfinished childhood issues may lead to MLC We can't fix them..only they can..many of them choose not to fix themselves instead they decide to play for a while..
We can support them as they go through everything they must We can create a new life, as we let them travel their road..being kind, cordial and caring At the same time, taking care of ourselves , the kids and our assets watching the spending and credit card bills-many of them spend far behind their means and have no sense for responsibility, even though they were financially responsible b4
Hard yes...but we get the benefit in the end and she may return... but it is on her timetable and in the mean time..we move forward, grieving, letting go and creating a stable environment for the kids and ourselves
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
So I backslid over the weekend and had a talk with my wife's step father. She found out and is now totally pissed off. She also tells me yesterday that we are done and there is nothing I can do to change that. She also let me know that she filled out the paperwork, but hasn't filed it. I am totally spent and don't know what to do. She is trying to put an end to our family, an end to our friendship, and an end to our lives as we know it. How someone can throw away 25 years is beyond me. She and my kids are my world and next to God there is nothing that I put above them.
She feels that we are thru. Still using the words like...we have always been dysfunctional, we have just been best friends and haven't really been in love, and that she doesn't want to live like roommates anymore. She's trying to include my feelings in her feelings. She is trying to discount and dispose of my feelings and thoughts.
How do you stay and fight for someone that clearly is over you and your marriage? How long do you put up with rejection? Does it show a lack of self esteem to try to save your marriage if your spouse wants out? When do you do or should you accept defeat? I'm not groveling to her, but have stated that I'm not leaving her and I'd never leave my family. She wants me to agree with her so that we can have a friendly and amicable divorce. I told her that divorce means an end to our friendship. I cannot deal with watching her build a life with someone other than myself. Nor do I want another man raising my kids still at home.
Lost today...feels like she opened the wound again. Hurts.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
The questions that you are asking are ones that only you can answer...however, since you are asking them, I would venture to say that you aren't ready to toss in the towel and walk away completely. So, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward.
Leave your wife alone as much as possible. Give her the time and space she needs and respect her wishes if she wants this time and space. No more relationship talks for now. You can't control how she feels or how she perceives things at the moment, just as she can't control yours. The best thing you can do is live your life as if she may not return. What does this mean? It means you get up each and every day and go to work, find hobbies and projects that interest you or finish the ones that you've started, spend time w/your family and do the normal things that you would do in the evening. It doesn't mean go out and date, but you can go out w/your friends and have some male bonding time.
The more time and space you give her, the better. It will allow her time to think about things and actually begin to wonder what you are doing. She even may become curious, but you've got to have faith that the system works.
One thing...don't bring up the topic of divorce. If she raises the subject say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way and I know that I can't stop you from filing for divorce, but I do not want one." They all tend to want to be friends after a divorce, but they don't realize that a divorce can, in many cases, sever the ties that once were there. It's a fantasy to them and they think we all will live happily ever after.
I'm sorry that your weekend turned out this way, but it's a new day and one that you will need to put your focus on your work and your life for now. Leave her in God's hands for a while. Keep the focus on you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I feel like the weekend didn't end as I didn't sleep last night. I'm going to call my DB coach today and seek guideance from them. No matter what she does I love my wife completely.
I am sorry she feels that way and I do not want a divorce. That is also something that my family and extended family know.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Definitely contact your DB Coach and has a chat w/him/her.
I know you love your wife completely, but you've got to give her some space and time to come to realize that you aren't the enemy here and that you aren't the issue of her unhappiness.
If you push, she's going to pull away and run faster than heck to get away from you and yes, this will be more justification for why she wants a divorce. Has she said anything to you about being controlling and/or manipulative, under appreciated or you don't listen?
Your wife knows that you love her very much and you don't need to remind her of it. She knows! So does everyone else! Drop the rope because you are holding on to it too tightly. Have faith in yourself, your history w/your wife and in the man above. Keep the focus on you and your family!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job...she has said over the last few months in our MC that I was controlling and that because we had sex that resulted in pain for her (due to a surgery) that I abused her. She is holding onto that and saying that due to the abuse she will never be able to be intimate with me again. The funny thing is that our MC told me that she (the MC) said that I controlled the sexual part of our marriage...not that I was controlling. My wife took the the word and let it work in her narrative.
I spent the past weekend on a men's retreat trying to bring 32 awesome men to a closer relationship with God...all while feeling that my world was crumbling. We began on Thursday at the same time she was meeting with her attorney and she told me yesterday that she has filled out the paperwork, but not filed it yet. How cold can you be? I can feel my heart hardening towards her and I don't like it one bit. She seems to be done.
She says she is and acts as she is this wonderful Catholic woman, yet she has not regards for the sanctity of Marriage.
She seems to be following right in her mothers footsteps. It is kind of depressing. Her father tried to fight for his Marriage, but she was done. I just thought that she and I would break the cycle of divorce in our families. My mother divorced my father in the 70's as well...she says he tried to save it, but she was adamant about leaving. I guess with the patterns of divorce...I really need to fight so that my two boys will see a man fight for his family, but I should also show and teach my daughter that a man and a woman should do whatever it takes to make their marriage work. I'm more scared for her than the boys at this point. She is seeing her mother say that it is OK to just walk out of a marriage...and that is not OK with me.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
You can stand for your marriage, but at this time, you need to let her go. You can't control her, but you can control the way you are reacting to her comments and behavior.
I'm not surprised that she took what the MC told you about "control" and turned it around to her way of thinking. They do that. They hear what they want to hear when they are depressed and in crisis. That's why it's important to step back and allow them to figure things out for themselves. You didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. No matter how hard you try to reason w/her, it's not going to get thru to her right now. She's operating on pure emotions and when someone is emotional and in pain, they are going to shut out those who speak in a rational tone. That's why it's important to allow her to make her own mistakes and learn to face the consequences of her actions.
You can fight for your marriage, but you need to do it from afar. We all contribute to the downfalls of our relationships. It's 50/50...what have you done to work on yourself? The more you work on yourself and are happy w/the person you are, the more she will see and/or sense the person you were/are that she fell in love with. Any changes that you make, have to become permanent and you must be happy w/them. What are you doing w/your free time? Do you have hobbies or projects that you need to complete or start? If so, start doing them. It will help take your mind off of what she's doing and/or not doing.
Right now, you are the "authority" figure in her life and she's rebelling againt you and everything you stand for. You can't convince her otherwise. That's why it's important to give her space. The more you try to reason w/her, the longer her crisis will be because she's not focusing on what she needs to do to get thru it.
You have to understand that she is going to do whatever it takes to soothe the emotional/internal pain that she is in. You can't see the wounds/bruises, but they are there. Dig deeper for patience and compassion. You have absolutely no idea what she's feeling inside and you do not want to walk a mile in her shoes right now. Again, give her space.
She may appear to be following in her mother's footsteps, but you can't compare her to others because she is unique in her own way. Trust in yourself, have faith in yourself and in God. He is the only one that can heal her. Leave the MLC bus driving to God.
You need to read ForeverYoung's posts. His wife said similar things about him and they got through it.
Although honestly, I think she is being totally unfair in calling you an abuser and I felt that about FY's wife too. It's a shame that the counselor is feeding into that narrative. She knows you love her and it's irrational to think that a husband who loves you is abusing you but there is this whole cultural concept of "marital rape" etc. that I think some women get sucked into and it only winds up hurting themselves. Before anyone jumps on me about this, I'm a woman myself and actually can relate somewhat to his wife's situation but that is part of the reason I think she is being completely unfair. But everyone will tell her otherwise and there's probably nothing you can do about it.
