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I have s15 this week and when I picked him up he was a grouch. I gave him a few open-ended q's of how he was doing, how was his weekend (it was b a yutiful weather here). He wasn't talking. So I gave him space.
Then he yelled "you have to get me out of acting class!" I signed him up for the acting class bc he is quiet, this should stretch him in a positive way, and there should be more girls than boys in the class.
I asked him what was wrong, how I could help, do you want me to talk to the teacher, etc. and he just kept saying "no" in a loud voice. I stopped.
Although it was not a good encounter, here is why I think it is a positive change: s15's previous episodes with me all included his yelling at me for putting him in this new school and he has no friends. Now it seems he has accepted going to the new school and has switched gears to have me get him out of something he is having trouble with (acting class). I'm not sure yet how best to deal with this.
Ok, one more story - s15 came up to me and asked "if he was adopted". His sister d22 is adopted, but our other 3 kids were done the old-fashioned way . But I didn't connect why he was asking me the question. So I give him my faith story on his being born. After d19 was born ExW was done having kids, and she would not budge on this. So for 4 years I dropped the subject with ExW and I prayed. I wanted a son, I wanted another child. Proof is on your mom's tummy you can see the C-section scar still there.
ExW gave me 1 night (it was either Thanksgiving or Christmas I believe, no one told me there would be math on this board!), if I promised to get a vasectomy (sometimes in battle you have to make uncomfortable choices ). So I agreed. S15 was born the following September. The bad part was that bc of several mis-aimed spinal injections ExW developed fibromyalgia after this.
I thought more clearly after s15's initially asking the question of being adopted, and later I asked him who brought this up with him. D22 his sister taunted him by saying he was adopted (which is a great thing btw!) A sibling battle I didn't need to get involved in. Though I may want to bring it up with d22, and see if she has some bad feelings about this.
I have more problems with s15 going to the high school by my apartment. It's a new city, a new school, and he came home yesterday and said "after this trimester, I'm going back to my old school" (which is by ExW's condo.)
I asked s15 open-ended q's "what happened?", "did someone pick on you?" And he cried, and said with frustration "No one is talking to me!" "No one said a word to me the whole day!"
Me: it's a big school, isn't there someone you can talk to?" S15: "they are all druggies or 'd-bags'. Yikes.
Tears welled-up seeing the pain that my son is going thru. He says he is depressed. I told him I would have him talk to a counselor.
I asked him to commit to getting involved in one activity at school, before we consider switching schools. He called me stubborn.
D22 came over with grand-daughter, and this was really nice. I got to rock the 2 month old baby. I showed d22 her adoption files, and the many reports we had to submit bc it was an international adoption. She liked going thru them.
But as soon as d22 left, s15 was back asking me to promise that he can switch schools at the end of the trimester. I'm the kind of guy that faces things one day at a time, while still being aware of what's on the horizon. So I told him he needs to focus on his homework, getting his homework done, and do well in his classes. And I will get his counselor involved.
He became angry and grabbed a bottle of whiskey from my liquor cabinet. He yelled "you're going to make me an alcoholic! I'm going to drink this whole bottle!" I tried calming him down. S15 again said the whiskey bottle was "his", and he was drinking the whole thing. I called his bluff - I told him to go ahead and have a swig. He did and looked like he was going to wretch. He put the rest of the bottle back where he found it. I then moved the bottle to somewhere he wouldn't find it.
This morning I've emailed the school counselor to call me. I've also printed out a list of clubs, activities and sports so we can sit down and get s15 into one. I'm trying my best, but right now, I am enemy number 1 in s15's eyes.
I went through the same thing with my son last year. He hated his new school. Wanted to move back to Cali. I finally relented and said if that is what you truly need to be happy then let's do it. I love you and i hate that you are miserable. Called his coach set it all up. He never left and Graduated with awesome grades:) I think they just need the reassurance that we are there for them...that we do listen and that we want them to be happy. This whole mess plus school change is extremely hard on them..be patient and db listen and validate. He has every right to feel how he does
Re: MLC ExWife, she's already married again
#2709199 10/09/1606:40 PM10/09/1606:40 PM
Thank you TFish for your great words. They are an encouragement to me.
It appeared s15 ran away again this past Friday. ExW arranged for s15 to spend the weekend with her sister, who is also his God-Mother. The pick-up time was 2:30 pm, and SiL was picking up s15 directly from school.
I received a call from SiL at 3:00 and s15 was nowhere to be seen. He did not meet SiL the pick up spot. She was anxious. He was not at my apartment.
I called the school's front office to page him to see if he was still in the school - he was not at school. I emailed the school counselor who met with s15 on Friday to see if she knew anything of where he was - she did not. I texted d22 to see if she heard from her brother. And I prayed.
S15 showed up at my apartment at 3:30, which is the normal time he comes home when he is dropped off from the bus. Phewww!!! What a relief that s15 was safe. S15 said that ExW (who was out of town) did not tell him his Aunt was picking him up from school. It was a simple matter of miscommunication.
Some well-needed good news with s15. In the divorce I pulled him out of his old school where he had become involved with a bad group of friends (s15 was arrested for shoplifting a big knife), and he has had a tough time with the transition, and finding friends at the new school.
On Friday, the school counselor spoke to s15 for a 2nd time, and he told her he was doing "a little better". Ok, small steps are good. She is also working on getting people to sit with him at lunch.
He came to my place first thing on Saturday morning (he has spent the last 3 months of weekends at ExW's place, so he can hang with his old bunch of thugs, err his friends.) But today he asked for $10 so he could go to 'Jimmy John's' sandwich shop. He spruced up his hair, made some calls. He's making friends here! Yay! This is an answer to prayers.
Next week is teacher conferences, so he has 3 days off from school. He originally asked to spend this time at ExW's. But let's see if he changes his mind.