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A Message from Michele
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Re: In the UK - PT21 feeling stuck [Re: roist] #2719450
12/06/16 12:58 PM
12/06/16 12:58 PM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
UK (Scotland)
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Huddy Offline OP
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Huddy  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
UK (Scotland)
My W has told me, as she picked up the kids, that is she planning on taking the kids away to her parents at Christmas. I have told her that I don't want that, but I think she'll do it anyway.

Earlier on she sent a text message with an 'x' on it (she sometimes does that before she wants something) and I didn't react. She was also very pleasant dropping the kids off.

Personally, I think that is probably the coldest thing she has ever done to me, as she knows how much I love Christmas and being with the kids.

I think I have finally reached the end of my tether. My thought process now is that I want the remnants of her stuff out of my flat in the next seven days, and I'm done. She shows no sign of making any kind of return and I'm not going to be miserable anymore. I love her, but the constant hurt shows no sign of slowing up and I don't know if I want to carry on for the next however long, when somebody else might actually appreciate me and what I have to offer.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Re: In the UK - PT21 feeling stuck [Re: Huddy] #2719508
12/06/16 02:55 PM
12/06/16 02:55 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
S
srt Offline
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srt  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
Hi buddy, I too have reached the end of my tether. All her things are currently boxed up and ready for when I let her know in the new year.

Fresh start and all that. Stay strong.


M 10, T 18
M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6
EA: Oct 12
ILYBINILWY: Jan 15
BD: Aug 15
Separated: Sep 15
Miss you: Jun 16
Aug 16: Dating (!)
Oct 16: Selfishness returns...
currently: disgusted
Re: In the UK - PT21 feeling stuck [Re: Huddy] #2719513
12/06/16 03:04 PM
12/06/16 03:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,471
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,471
Southern Maryland
Huddy,

Are you lashing out about her coming to get her belongings because she wants to take the kids to her parents at Christmas? If so, may I make a suggestion? Why not wait until after the holidays and then advise her to come get the rest of her stuff? If you do this now, it looks like you are retaliating because of what she wants to do. Don't play her game on this...wait until after Christmas and then advise her that she has until a certain time to pick her stuff up or you'll be packing it up and either placing it in a storage facility for her to pay the monthly rate or donating the stuff to charity.

Don't give her negative attention right now. Try to say calm about all of this. I know you are angry and I understand how you feel, but don't let this woman see you sweat!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: In the UK - PT21 feeling stuck [Re: job] #2719518
12/06/16 03:11 PM
12/06/16 03:11 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline
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Posts: 5,301
Huddy, I'm sorry to hear this. I agree with Job and would separate the 'belongings' issue with the Christmas issue. It is hard, but separation does also bring the aspect of dividing Xmas time in some way. We always found the best way was for one spouse to spend time with SS in the early part of the hols and the other in the later part.

We were always close enough to actually meet up on Xmas day if needed. Though some years, HXW1 chose to spend Xmas alone and SS was with us from Xmas Eve. If she wants to take them away for some of the time, perhaps you could agree to swap over sometime around Xmas, so that you can also enjoy the festivities with them?

To me, it would seem unreasonable for her to want to take them for the whole two weeks, but if she wants to visit her folks with them during the holidays, that doesn't seem unreasonable? Though I wouldn't expect that visit to span the whole Xmas period - ie: 23rd to 30th for example?

Do take some time and make sure you respond, rather than react to her unwelcome news.

smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: In the UK - PT21 feeling stuck [Re: job] #2719519
12/06/16 03:13 PM
12/06/16 03:13 PM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
UK (Scotland)
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Huddy Offline OP
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Huddy  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
UK (Scotland)
Hi Job/srt

Yes, I'm livid. I mean, just how much hurt can be dished out and can I take? By tradition, I take nearly two weeks holiday at Christmas. My W knows how much I enjoy it, and she knows how much I just love chilling with the kids and I love the atmosphere. My Dad was an aggressive drunk at New Year (the lowest was when he tried to headbutt me in 1986 - yeah I was 14 and he was 51)so, in contrast, I hate that part of the holiday and my W has said I can have the kids then.

You're probably right that I should wait until she returns, but I don't understand why she wants to go there. She hates Christmas with them and when we invited them over once, she couldn't wait to get them out of the house. I don't know if this a way of getting out of the way and stopping her feeling guilt (you know, if she isn't here, she can't feel the guilt).


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Re: In the UK - PT21 feeling stuck [Re: Huddy] #2719522
12/06/16 03:16 PM
12/06/16 03:16 PM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
UK (Scotland)
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Huddy Offline OP
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Huddy  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
UK (Scotland)
Sotto

Sorry, missed your reply as I was typing! Yep, she wants to take them away from 23rd to 30th - a whole week. It's even my weekend that she's taking them on. No consideration. I guess somebody, somewhere must think I've done something wrong in my life and I'm being paid out big style. Only problem is, I can't think what.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Re: In the UK - PT21 feeling stuck [Re: Huddy] #2719523
12/06/16 03:21 PM
12/06/16 03:21 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,471
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,471
Southern Maryland
Huddy,

There is no way to tell why she wants to go except that in MLC they do the opposite of what they did or felt pre-crisis. It could be that she wants to take the kids there to show her parents that she's a good mother and everything is okay or it could be that she wants to revisit her youth through the eyes of her children...but whatever the reason...she's the only one that may be able to shed some light on it.

Is there any way to compromise? Is she planning to be there the entire holiday? Is there any way that one of you can have the children a few days before Christmas Day or right after that day? This is one of the areas where

At some point, the two of you will need to set up a schedule so that you both know when you are having the children on certain holidays. One year, you have them on Christmas and the next year, she does.

I'm very sorry that things aren't turning out the way that you had hoped...but you still have a few week until Christmas and anything can happen between now and then.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: In the UK - PT21 feeling stuck [Re: Huddy] #2719525
12/06/16 03:21 PM
12/06/16 03:21 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline
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Sotto  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
No worries Huddy. I think it's best to focus on negotiating what works for you and compromise on a way forward here. For example - I understand you want to take them away, but I want to be able to spend some time with them around Xmas. Why doesn't one of us have time with them the early or later part of the hols and meet up to swap on Xmas eve or Boxing Day - or whatever works best...?

Try and let go of....why does she want to go down there....that's up to her. And also, you may need to bend on your own dislike of New Year - and you and the kids could have some nice new traditions if that is the time you spend with them...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: In the UK - PT21 feeling stuck [Re: Sotto] #2719577
12/07/16 12:19 AM
12/07/16 12:19 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 461
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Esame Offline
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Esame  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 461
I agree with Sotto, try to negotiate a different arrangement, but also maybe you can take the opportunity of your new life to build on new traditions for you and the kids.


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





Re: In the UK - PT21 feeling stuck [Re: Esame] #2719581
12/07/16 12:45 AM
12/07/16 12:45 AM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
UK (Scotland)
H
Huddy Offline OP
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Huddy  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
UK (Scotland)
Their is no reasoning with her. She is as stubborn as a mule. Have only managed four hours sleep and everybody is getting it in the neck as I've arrived at work. Fed up to the back teeth of everybody saying how much they're looking forward to Christmas and how I need to get in to the party spirit. If only they knew.

Anyway, I'm done. I couldn't care less why she wants to drive on a 460 mile round trip to sit with people, just two years ago, she couldn't wish to spend less time with. I care about my children and they should be around their parents at Christmas. I have done all the DB tactics in the book, but I think this one will have to be chalked up as a 'no' and won't enter the fantasy land of reunited couples.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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