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A Message from Michele
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Re: Onwards [Re: bttrfly] #2720558
12/12/16 06:55 AM
12/12/16 06:55 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,518
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Ginger1 Offline
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Dear Mia,

all I hear is "Him, Him, Him, HIm"

What HE is doing, how HE is acting.

You have got to shift the focus. Way off of him and his actions.

Who knows what happened with Amazon?

So what if he is sad that S9 doesn't believe a little longer and wishes he does? I think this is my D9's last year. She kind of knows, but still wants to believe. I know I'll be sad when she doesn't anymore.

He's going to believe what he wants to believe about him leaving, and about what he's doing. And youa re going to drain the life out of you at the same time you fill yourself up with anger trying to get him see things the way you do.

I know it's only going to happen when you are ready. It really takes some difficult conscious effort but I will tell you, it is so freeing when you let it go piece by piece.

Re: Onwards [Re: Ginger1] #2720612
12/12/16 10:12 AM
12/12/16 10:12 AM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 368
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Mia2003 Offline OP
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Mia2003  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 368
Honestly I am trying ginger. I know I let get h to me too much.

I think often it happens when it involves the kids and I feel alone ne.
There was an awful incident last week with my eldest son at school ( I work at his school) . I was told by some kids that my son had been beaten up, I rang the office to make sure he was ok, then I found someone had recorded it on their phone and had uploaded to a social media site...... watching it was horrible. Luckily my son was fine and although I do not condone fighting when son had told that he ended up punching him as this lad had thrown him to the floor and was on him hitting him I was glad he punched him.....watching what this kid was doing to my child he deserved it...sorry bad parenting.

Re: Onwards [Re: Mia2003] #2720669
12/12/16 03:39 PM
12/12/16 03:39 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 461
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Esame Offline
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Esame  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 461
Hi Mia,

I'm glad you came back to let us know how you are getting on.

I don't have much to say about your H, the way I see D now is what more can I lose? Like you, I don't recognise my H, and if he wants out there is nothing I can do to stop him. I tried everything to the best of my ability, and I can honestly say that I gave him options, space, time, everything. I could do better at DBing, but I am human and I struggle to understand how his happiness is more important than the children's. It is what it is though, and as they say "you can take the horse to water, but you cannot make it drink". H and I are 99.99% over, and in a way it is a relief.

You have done so well for so long without him, you can be happy again.


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





Re: Onwards [Re: Esame] #2720717
12/13/16 12:58 AM
12/13/16 12:58 AM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 368
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Mia2003 Offline OP
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Mia2003  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 368
Esame thanks,

I have moments when I miss my h, well what he was and like you I will never understand what he has done and how now he could be happy. For me bringing up my children being with them is the most important thing. For e I thought we had the same belief system...yes we fell in love all those years ago..got married decided to have children and that love changes ......and I naively thought we were on the same wavelength ....but apparently not.

For me most of my anger I think is worrying about paying the mortgage etc but I also get angry that I can't talk to him about little things the kids do or say...he did that......he's a dill and I am starting to accept that...slowly

Re: Onwards [Re: Mia2003] #2726602
01/21/17 06:09 AM
01/21/17 06:09 AM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 368
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Mia2003 Offline OP
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Mia2003  Offline OP
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Hi all haven't posted for a while hope you are all good and a happy new year.

Well things are the same...h is still with ow .....but he has decided to grow a beard...he looks so old...and ridiculous. Our son told him it made him look 54.

Christmas the kids and I had was nice. H still emails about kids asking questions and whether he can come to parents evening etc with me. I have decided for my own sanity it's a no. He made his choice and now can't expect me to sit with him and discuss our children at school when he still doesn't admit anything.

I am happy to tell him significant issues but the rest he can go and whistle. It makes me feel more in control.

Re: Onwards [Re: Mia2003] #2726609
01/21/17 07:08 AM
01/21/17 07:08 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,518
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Ginger1 Offline
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Ginger1  Offline
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Posts: 5,518
Sorry, Mia, I am about lay harder into you than anyone before on my forever on these boards. I preface this with telling you what I am about to say is for your benefit. I am sorry in advance, but if you don't straighten this out, you are going to regret it horribly in the future. You may not be able to see it now, but it's true. This coming from a person who went through what you did, maybe in even a worse of a way. Please listen closely.

What you are doing in flat out wrong. Your ex leaving and having an A was flat out wrong too, but two wrongs don't make a right, especially when it comes to our kids.

I've seen posts where youa re contantly are saying different ways this man is trying ot be a part of his kids life and you completely block him out. You let him in a teensy tiny bit as you see fit. because this is all unfair? Because HE deserves it? Because YOU want control?!

Mia, seriously. That is going to damage to the kids. Do you want to mitigate the damage leaving did to the kids, or do you want to equally do damage? what is more important to you?

One day your kids will go to your ex and ask why he wasn't more involved. The answer won't be because he left the family. It will be because mom didn't let him. DO you want that?

Here is the harsh truth: He left you, not the kids. It s*cks, it is awful, it hurts like hell, but it's the truth. Here is a father who wants to be as active in his kids life as he can be, and you keep blocking him. Your kids will end up resenting you, not him. Is that what you want?

Take your pride, tuck it away, and let him be involved. You trying to control the aspects he is involved in with his own kids only hurts your kids.

Honestly, if I was him, I wouldn't even be asking if he could go to parents evening. I would just go. he has every right to be there. I sat beside my ex wanting to kill him at the few he did go to, but it was about our daughter. Not about me. He eventually dropped off, he doesn't take much interest in her real life, just in taking her along as an accessory when he has family and friends around. But when he shows interest, I encourage it. because it means a lot to my daughter. And because I never want her coming back to me saying "you didn't let dad be a part of my life"

You don't get to pick and chose, Mia because you feel entitled because he broke up the marriage.

I'm sorry, this had to be said. I hope you hear me, I hope you heed my advice, because I think you might sliently thank me one day. Curse me now, go ahead. But maybe give it some thought.

Re: Onwards [Re: Mia2003] #2726610
01/21/17 07:09 AM
01/21/17 07:09 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
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twinmom Offline
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Posts: 786
Does he get the opportunity to go to his own parents evening?





Originally Posted By: Mia2003
Hi all haven't posted for a while hope you are all good and a happy new year.

Well things are the same...h is still with ow .....but he has decided to grow a beard...he looks so old...and ridiculous. Our son told him it made him look 54.

Christmas the kids and I had was nice. H still emails about kids asking questions and whether he can come to parents evening etc with me. I have decided for my own sanity it's a no. He made his choice and now can't expect me to sit with him and discuss our children at school when he still doesn't admit anything.

I am happy to tell him significant issues but the rest he can go and whistle. It makes me feel more in control.



Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



Re: Onwards [Re: twinmom] #2726613
01/21/17 07:23 AM
01/21/17 07:23 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 878
R
Rose888 Offline
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Posts: 878
I have the same question as twinmom.

Surely you aren't discouraging him from being involved in his kids' lives.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Re: Onwards [Re: Ginger1] #2726619
01/21/17 08:10 AM
01/21/17 08:10 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
T
twinmom Offline
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Posts: 786
Yep! I agree.... sorry Mia but it's no wonder your sitch hasn't made any progress, you haven't followed DB rules/principles. Why would he want to come back to a marriage to someone that controls & uses the kids?

Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Sorry, Mia, I am about lay harder into you than anyone before on my forever on these boards. I preface this with telling you what I am about to say is for your benefit. I am sorry in advance, but if you don't straighten this out, you are going to regret it horribly in the future. You may not be able to see it now, but it's true. This coming from a person who went through what you did, maybe in even a worse of a way. Please listen closely.

What you are doing in flat out wrong. Your ex leaving and having an A was flat out wrong too, but two wrongs don't make a right, especially when it comes to our kids.

I've seen posts where youa re contantly are saying different ways this man is trying ot be a part of his kids life and you completely block him out. You let him in a teensy tiny bit as you see fit. because this is all unfair? Because HE deserves it? Because YOU want control?!

Mia, seriously. That is going to damage to the kids. Do you want to mitigate the damage leaving did to the kids, or do you want to equally do damage? what is more important to you?

One day your kids will go to your ex and ask why he wasn't more involved. The answer won't be because he left the family. It will be because mom didn't let him. DO you want that?

Here is the harsh truth: He left you, not the kids. It s*cks, it is awful, it hurts like hell, but it's the truth. Here is a father who wants to be as active in his kids life as he can be, and you keep blocking him. Your kids will end up resenting you, not him. Is that what you want?

Take your pride, tuck it away, and let him be involved. You trying to control the aspects he is involved in with his own kids only hurts your kids.

Honestly, if I was him, I wouldn't even be asking if he could go to parents evening. I would just go. he has every right to be there. I sat beside my ex wanting to kill him at the few he did go to, but it was about our daughter. Not about me. He eventually dropped off, he doesn't take much interest in her real life, just in taking her along as an accessory when he has family and friends around. But when he shows interest, I encourage it. because it means a lot to my daughter. And because I never want her coming back to me saying "you didn't let dad be a part of my life"

You don't get to pick and chose, Mia because you feel entitled because he broke up the marriage.

I'm sorry, this had to be said. I hope you hear me, I hope you heed my advice, because I think you might sliently thank me one day. Curse me now, go ahead. But maybe give it some thought.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



Re: Onwards [Re: twinmom] #2726624
01/21/17 08:59 AM
01/21/17 08:59 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,843
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,843
Southern Maryland
Mia,

I'm sorry, but I totally disagree w/the way you are handling YOUR situation. He left you and the marriage, but from everything that you've posted, he is still trying to be there for his children. You are punishing him for his affair and I do agree that what he's doing is very wrong in the eyes of God, as well as to your marriage vows when he's still involved w/the ow...but, and this is a very large but, he is still trying to be there for his kids.

He has every right as a father to attend his children's parent teacher conferences and counseling sessions at the school. He is the children's FATHER! If I were in his shoes, I would show up and to heck w/your feelings. He wants to know what is going on w/his children and I have to hand it to him that he's asking you about attending that conference. Most people wouldn't, they would just show up.

You are punishing him for leaving YOU. By trying to control when and where he can go to find out info about his children or even to see his children will not set well if and when you go to court. If you continue down this path, he may even take you to court because of it.

My advice, put your anger to good use elsewhere and stop trying to control all aspects of your children's lives. Foster a better relationship between them and their father because later on down the road, your children will find out what has transpired w/your control issues and just very well may resent you for what you've done, not only to them, but to their father. They may even see you as being controlling, manipulative, spiteful, vindictive and yes, the one word that I dread hearing...bitter. Please stop using your children as pawns in this game of "punishing your h" for what he's done/and is continuing to do. It's not going to bode well for you, especially when the children are older.

If you aren't going to try to DB and work on yourself, i.e., work on those things that you know need work, then why are you here? We ALL see what you are doing and we ALL can't be wrong in our advice to you. I'm going to suggest that if you aren't in therapy, maybe it's time to consider it or go see a priest, minister, rabbi or join a group that is called parents w/o partners or a divorce group. You need to have someone to talk to help you work through that anger and start moving forward. I, like the others, haven't seen any progress being made by YOU. Until you change the way you are dealing w/your situation, nothing will change.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but it's time Mia, to get some professional help.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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