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lt0402 #2707012 09/28/16 09:28 AM
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Nothing new to report since yesterday. Had a GAL w/ my Tuesday night pool league last night. Always have a good time w/ that group. The competition helps to get some of the aggression/focus out as well, which is nice.

Snoozed my alarm this morning, so no gym time. Regretting that now as I feel sluggish today. Talked to my L today and have an appointment to come in and see them next Tues to discuss custody options. Right now I'm looking at a couple different options that may work:

1) 1 week with Mom, 1 week with Dad. Rotate into perpetuity

2) 2-2-5: Mon/Tues with Mom, Wed/Thurs with Dad, Fri-Sun rotates every week

W's view is that I get to see D, at her house, every night b/t 6:30-8:30. Then I get D at my house every other weekend. W also "allows" me to take D to do stuff during her weekends w/ her permission (i.e. fish, etc).

I have yet to say this to W, but it appears to be a continuation of her having control over both D and I. The 2hrs every weekday at her place allows her to control the situation. It also allows her to control my dating life when I decide to move on, as I'd be a bad father for refusing to see my D at all available moments. It also gives her free babysitting so she can go to the gym or go running.

The "permission" thing is also highly controlling, for obvious reasons. The every other weekend thing allows her to control things, bc she would be the primary custody parent.

All around, that solution forces D and I to remain in Ws orbit. If we are really going to S and D then I want to find escape velocity and get out of her gravitational pull.

With that said, I'm going to push to tighten our finances now. Get rid of our premium tv channels, pare down our cell phone plans, tighten up our budget. Need to start saving our resources bc it'll get costly for both of us and we'll need the savings to make things work. W continues to spend as though we don't have all these lurking expenses on the horizon.

I'm also going to start looking into living arrangements for myself that D and I can share. At first that's probably an apartment/townhome w/ two bedrooms, but I'd really like to get back into a smaller house ASAP. I like the idea of a stable home for my D and I don't think an apartment gives her the comfort a house does. The only issue is that homes in our school zone are expensive, and I need to figure out the financial situation and live it for a bit to see if it's a fit.

Regardless, I'm tired of the Ws controlling behavior at this point. I'll still pick my battles, but I'm unwilling to let both my Ds and my future be controlled to the T by her. We'll see what comes of it.


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 #2707204 09/29/16 06:03 AM
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Advice on the custody where you wife controls seeing your daughter...NO.

Look at this as a business transaction and do what works for you not her. I got pushed a bit in my custody arrangement which is temporary which is OK for now since i travel now and then for work but going to court unknown to my STBX for now to change this up

In the living arrangements do you not see where you have 2 separate places?


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
lt0402 #2707207 09/29/16 06:18 AM
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W just sent me a message saying:

W: "Are you making another MC appointment? I'm fine with going back, I just need to know"

sent her back:

Me: "Let's discuss tonight. To be honest, I am hesitant bc I'm not sure what the point would be. At the last visit, you told me there is 0% chance you want to work on our marriage."

I'm just tired of this. I think she's trying to use the MC to drag this thing out and maintain control.


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 #2707216 09/29/16 06:47 AM
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Response back from W:

W: "I have been telling you that forever. MC could still help us work on the parenting stuff. Everything MC said through the whole apt was how we need to do what's best for D which is what I've been attempting to tell you we need to do for months."

W: "I get you were expecting that meeting to go differently and I am genuinely sorry about that. It was not my intention. I never told you I wanted to work things out, however I did expect to feel differently about it that day. I cannot help that. But, this is all about D, so please think about it. Going to talk to MC about co-parenting was your idea at the start of our S. It will help D."

I really am just exhausted by this. I'm going to tell her let's figure out the S and custody stuff and then we'll contemplate co-parenting counseling.


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 #2707229 09/29/16 07:39 AM
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I guess I'm with you about what is the point of MC if not to work on the MR. Is it really the right forum for co-parenting? Especially, without a separation agreement (with custody, financial, living arrangement, etc) worked out with L's?


Me:49 W:45
M:19 T:22
EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
S:19,17 D:9,5
lt0402 #2707241 09/29/16 09:03 AM
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I think you should ask your lawyer about having a physiological evaluation done on your W. It should be one that your lawyer chooses and not your W.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2707269 09/29/16 11:13 AM
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No more MC. If you go there and talk about separation, that means you are talking money and custody. No offense, but I dont think you are your own best advocate at the moment, and your WW is obviously the worst! Even an impartial MC would probably start siding with her.

Move forward with the L already. Dont talk to her about divorce or custody or money. Let your L do the talking from now on. Its well past time to file and separate finance.

About custody, 2-2-3 or week to week are OK. The 2-2-3 requires a lot more hand-offs and contact, which is probably best to avoid. Week to week and you will miss your D more, but she wont be moving her whole life every 2 days. I think that is the biggest problem with the 2-day rotation, for kids at least. I would suggest going for the week to week, but that's not a hill to die on. 50-50 is. File for 50-50, week to week, and you can negotiate to a 2-2-3 if needed. You absolutely cant entertain negotiating down from 50-50. I would also suggest a couple of multi-week blocks over summer, so you can do longer vacations with or without your D, without needing your ex's approval. And, while you are at it - put in a 50-50 split on college expenses.

fade #2707306 09/29/16 02:47 PM
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Agree w/ all of you. Sent this to W:

Me: "If that's how we are viewing the counseling, let's get the separation and custody agreements figured out. Then let's focus on the coparenting w/ a counselor."

W also got a new phone yesterday and is pushing me to remove my phone from the joint account. Told her I'd get to it when I'm less busy.

All, at this point I'm just too tired to give a damn about this or her. She seems gone and I'm willing to let her go. For some reason the past two days have brought back thoughts of her and OM and I'm finding I don't care what she does now. Sure it hurts to think of my W being w/ someone else, but I don't want to be with her if this is who she is.

I sent a note to my L to ask if there's any disadvantage to us doing the custody/separation agreements since her Ls seem to be dragging their feet. I just want to focus on custody of my D and getting to, at worst, 50/50 joint custody. I love my job, but if that's a detriment to having 50/50 then I'll find another one that fits the schedule. I'm willing to do whatever is necessary to make that work.

It seems that certain thoughts of my W will always hurt at times. She's so far from being the person I want to be around though that I'm just done w/ her. I want off this rollercoaster. If she changes then maybe we can think about it in the future, but I don't see a path where that happens.

Rich/Sandi/MV/Fade, thank you all for your thoughts. Fade, that's extremely helpful on the custody piece. I'd been looking at similar and would love the weekly split. I want my D, but I want our time to be away from my W. That seems like it'd be a better fit.

You all are the best and I appreciate your thoughts and support!


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 #2707330 09/29/16 06:52 PM
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The cloning continues as your WAW is the same as many of ours. Same bat time...same bat story

My STBX said the same about MC. We started to do it and all she did was use it to bash me so I stopped. Then it was for doing co parenting and turned into a bash session so I cancelled them

I agree with your approach. Take care of all the important stuff as custody is #1. Co Parenting can be done after if you feel it will really help you both and not just be a cluster.


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
rich4j #2707358 09/30/16 01:02 AM
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W informed me that the papers will be ready from her Ls next week. I informed my Ls and asked if we should do anything before I meet with them early next week. At this point i see no path back to how things were with W and I.

W also has upgraded her phone and wants me to take my line off the account (it's under her name). Told her I'd attempt to get to it in the next couple days. I believe she thinks I'm monitoring her, she doesn't realize that I don't care. I also wonder if she's planning on trashing that phone since it has texts, etc on it by her and OM. Need to talk to lawyers about that.

Posting this bc I woke up about 3 hrs before my alarm and can't sleep. It's not bc my mind is racing about my W. Unsure what it is. I do find myself worried immensely about my D and how custody works out. I can't imagine a world where my interactions with D are driven by my W. I'd think she couldn't possibly be that selfish, but the past 4 months show she can be that and more.


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
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