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A Message from Michele
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Re: Feeling Lost 3 [Re: Altair] #2717595
11/24/16 11:16 AM
11/24/16 11:16 AM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
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srt Offline OP
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srt  Offline OP
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Posts: 167
Hi guys, thanks for your kind words, I'll respond later when I've given them some thought.


M 10, T 18
M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6
EA: Oct 12
ILYBINILWY: Jan 15
BD: Aug 15
Separated: Sep 15
Miss you: Jun 16
Aug 16: Dating (!)
Oct 16: Selfishness returns...
currently: disgusted
Re: Feeling Lost 3 [Re: srt] #2717901
11/27/16 05:57 AM
11/27/16 05:57 AM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
S
srt Offline OP
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srt  Offline OP
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Posts: 167
I've given some time to thinking over comments from others and again I suppose I'm torn.

Recent interactions w W are going downhill, she is more argumentative, distancing etc etc. I've just stopped the pursuit now and will definitely be on tough love for as far as I can see into the future (forever?).

I suppose these, and some recent reflection has led me to the place I am at the moment. I feel a bit more at peace with myself. I still have regrets about things I should have/have not done, but equally I see that if W wanted to R these are not barriers. Increasingly I feel like a badly treated plan B.

This is starting to creep into how I feel about W, in terms that her treatment of me is unjust and very selfish. Like I have previously said I still want to R, I just cannot see it happening without a major shift in her attitude. W was the one who cheated, W was the one who could not express her dissatisfaction with things, W was the one who decided to separate, W is the one who has complaints about the way things are.

W SHOULD BE PREPARED TO BE THE ONE TO TAKE SOME ACTION. I've tried and been open and everything I can think of to little or no effect. I can feel the appetite I have for this waning and a desire to move on slowly starting to ignite.

Yes I have kids and the effect on them will not be good, but I tell myself this was not my choice, and I don't deserve to exist like this in perpetuity at the decision of someone else.

My hope she would come out of her "fog" is still there but seems just as far away as ever. Increasingly I see her "fog~" as anything but that - just a sense of entitlement to do as she pleases whilst keeping everyone else at her beck and call.

So the way I see it I have 2 choices (or 1 route - step 1 then 2)

1. Continue to DB and totally drop the rope. See if any meaningful change comes forward regarding an R whilst accepting it may now be TOTALLY over. Wonder if W will ever WAKE UP and smell the coffee.

However this sitch is not good for my mental health, and certainly not good for our kids.

or

2. Basically do a reverse bomb-drop and announce I am D'ing her. Book into counselling to do this and basically drop all her [censored] back on her with bells on (by this I mean mega truth dart rocket, and give her ownership of the mess she has landed us in). After that maybe an ultimatum deadline and when that day arrives, proceed and never look back.

The most gutting thing as always is our children and everything we had invested in this. To have it cut and torn away seems very selfish and cruel i.e. she did not go through a respectable path with all this, simply followed her selfish desires.

In other news W health continues to be no better. She still seems pained and in denial of many things. D tells me her relationship with her mother is worse than ever, only her father (who I happen to know has cheated before) seems to be the person who is able to get close to her.

Just before submitting this I know it reads very accusatory. I suppose I'm rejecting the guilt which has tried to have been placed at my feet. Yes I did have my part to play in this story but I know my actions have been honourable. It is what it is, I am willing to do the work to fix it, I wonder if she is?


M 10, T 18
M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6
EA: Oct 12
ILYBINILWY: Jan 15
BD: Aug 15
Separated: Sep 15
Miss you: Jun 16
Aug 16: Dating (!)
Oct 16: Selfishness returns...
currently: disgusted
Re: Feeling Lost 3 [Re: srt] #2721061
12/14/16 04:39 PM
12/14/16 04:39 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
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srt Offline OP
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srt  Offline OP
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Posts: 167
Just checking in to say I've totally dropped the rope and now I'm done. It's taken me a long time to come round. D will be started by me in the new year, this is no way to live. Looking forward to the rest of my new life ☺


M 10, T 18
M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6
EA: Oct 12
ILYBINILWY: Jan 15
BD: Aug 15
Separated: Sep 15
Miss you: Jun 16
Aug 16: Dating (!)
Oct 16: Selfishness returns...
currently: disgusted
Re: Feeling Lost 3 [Re: srt] #2721065
12/14/16 05:21 PM
12/14/16 05:21 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,471
Southern Maryland
job Online

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job  Online

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,471
Southern Maryland
srt,

I'm sorry to read that you are thinking of starting the D in the new year. Are you doing this for you or are you doing this in the hopes that by filing she will wake up?

I understand your frustration, but if she is in MLC, it takes a very long time for the depressive fog to lift. I know that you've stated you've dropped the rope and are done...but are you truly done?

Let me ask you this...if your wife had been in an accident and was in a rehab facility in a coma, would you walk away and not look back or would you continue to hope and pray for her, and yet, continue to live your life to the fullest while she's lying there? Would you divorce her because she's lying there in a coma and the doctors can't predict when she'll wake up and at the moment can't be an active participant in the marriage for the time being?

The reason I am asking these questions is that I want you to be absolutely sure that filing for a divorce is what you want and not just a knee jerk reaction to something that has been done, said or because it's the holiday season and you are feeling out of sorts because of your situation. I want you to really think about this and if you are absolutely sure this is what you want to do, then by all means do it.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Feeling Lost 3 [Re: job] #2721543
12/17/16 03:59 PM
12/17/16 03:59 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
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srt Offline OP
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Posts: 167
I see no point tbh.
I'm tired of the rejection.
The current ties are dragging me down and stopping me from living my life.
I want back my freedom and independence.
I've also realised I'm unwilling to keep going along with this.
I don't want her back.
I've grown, I've changed, I like who I've become.
I also have the power that I don't have to keep doing this if I don't want to.
The "prize" has lost it's lustre, and in it's place I've gained a life.
I'm unwilling to compromise my happiness and sacrifice that much to anyone ever again.


M 10, T 18
M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6
EA: Oct 12
ILYBINILWY: Jan 15
BD: Aug 15
Separated: Sep 15
Miss you: Jun 16
Aug 16: Dating (!)
Oct 16: Selfishness returns...
currently: disgusted
Re: Feeling Lost 3 [Re: srt] #2721606
12/18/16 07:09 AM
12/18/16 07:09 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,471
Southern Maryland
job Online

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job  Online

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,471
Southern Maryland
I understand just how you feel. I just wanted to make sure you weren't reacting to something that she said or did in the last few days.

When you file, please do not think that you can't return here to post. You will need our support during the process and we will be here to listen and offer advice along that path. We will support you in whatever you decide to do.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Feeling Lost 3 [Re: job] #2721627
12/18/16 11:26 AM
12/18/16 11:26 AM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
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srt Offline OP
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srt  Offline OP
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Posts: 167
very sad at the moment, sad at the way it is, at the lack of effort.

trying to block it all out and just keep moving forward, except the current ties feel like they are holding me back.

I want my new life, a new relationship etc etc. I know I am not ready yet but also believe one day it will just happen, not wanting to be burdened when that day comes.


M 10, T 18
M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6
EA: Oct 12
ILYBINILWY: Jan 15
BD: Aug 15
Separated: Sep 15
Miss you: Jun 16
Aug 16: Dating (!)
Oct 16: Selfishness returns...
currently: disgusted
Re: Feeling Lost 3 [Re: srt] #2721629
12/18/16 11:31 AM
12/18/16 11:31 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,561
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Online
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Posts: 3,561
Massachusetts
SRT I know what you mean --- that feeling of such intense sadness and pain and not wanting to be where you are at the moment, wanting to be able to somehow leapfrog over it into the next phase.

Sadly, the shortest way to get to the next phase is to power through this one, and trust that you will be ok.

You're not alone. {{{hugs}}}
xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"Whoever knows me can never fall - For I am love, which the vast expanse of evil can never still." -Hildegard of Bingen
Re: Feeling Lost 3 [Re: bttrfly] #2721648
12/18/16 05:14 PM
12/18/16 05:14 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,171
Canada
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AndrewP Offline
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Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,171
Canada
SRT - One thought exercise that I have used when going through tough times like the one that you appear to be going through right now is - as people have helpfully advised me - imagine what would be different filing vs not filing. For me at least there is little difference. I would still be alone, I would actually be out cash for at least lawyers fees, and W would still be lost in the wilderness.

Just a thought - is there indeed any rush? I completely understand the need to have some sort of closure but here where I live the D can't proceed until a year of separation is over so if I were to file now vs 4 months from now, it would still be April before it actually happens.

I hope you have found some Joy in your day my friend - look outside yourself and the drama - it's a great big wonderful world out there.

Best wishes no matter how your world turns.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Feeling Lost 3 [Re: AndrewP] #2721696
12/19/16 05:26 AM
12/19/16 05:26 AM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 716
I
Irish M Offline
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Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 716
Srt

When I read your posts here, I see a man who loves his W and family. It's a very frustrating thing this MLC. You can't fix it and that makes it even more Frustrating.

I am divorced now. Am I giving up on the women I loved and still love. Nope.
I just stepped away, focused on my kids and myself. She will have to do her own heavy lifting to ge out of her own mess. Would I accept her back if she comes out the other end and puts in 110% . yes, because she is worth it.

If she doesn't, I am at a better place and I know I'll have another relationship.

I've cycled up and down and have been pulled into my XW drama. What you are going through currently is spinning and cycling.

Stick around and say how you are feeling now because tomorrow those feelings just might change again.

We are a here for you

Irish


M50
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 via text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters with me 13 and 15
Her divorce was Final July 26 2016
She hasn't seen her kids since Aug 2 2015
Page 6 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

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