And, without all of the gory details... the current timeline beginning with the first period where I sensed exW was depressed or going through something (before BD):
Summer 2013 -- stressful, W sometimes distant (prior to this we had 8 wonderful, but busy years together building a life and family with 3 amazing children)
Christmas 2013 -- very happy, spent with family out of state, W very affectionate and loving
March 2014 -- our 9th anniversary - loving, happy, but different/slightly distant
May 2014 -- W's step-mom dies suddenly and unexpectedly, major shock to entire family
Summer 2014 -- stressful, lots of travel (vacation to Disney with kids, out of town trip to visit family, beach vacation with family later in the summer), W very distant at times, one of our dogs starts having major problems (related to age)
August 2014 -- discussion about "us" but resulted in reconnecting and having a great week before school started, W much more affectionate and loving and invested in "us"
September 2014 -- W begins online communication with person who would become OW, our R still good and W doing little things that kept me thinking everything was fine/continuing to improve
October 2014 -- a couple of very fun "date nights" together, online comm with OW continuing but just "friendly", even I comm with OW in friendly way, near end of month I start to notice that W and OW comm is excessive in frequency
Last weekend of October 2014 -- W goes away for annual girls' weekend with college friends, I snoop and discover the W comms with OW more that weekend than she does with me
After that weekend -- I confront W about her distance towards me, results in big blow up and I see texts/emails between W and OW where W confides that she is unsure about "us" and begins to express her feelings toward OW
First week of November 2014 -- I realize everything, this is BD week, my nervous breakdown begins
Mid-December 2014 -- W gives me the ILYBINILWY talk and says "it's over" -- no interest in working on M/R
Christmas 2014 -- sucked
February 2015 -- W makes week and half trip to visit OW out of the country, tells me that she was going away for a "silent retreat" but I knew the truth
April 2015 -- I get new full-time job
June 2015 -- I move out
June 2015 -- OW comes to visit for 2 weeks
September 2015 -- exW goes out of country for 2 weeks to visit OW again
December 2015 -- OW moves here, they get married right before Christmas, I start dating old friend
March 2016 -- I start going back to IC
August 2016 -- we learn that exW's brother and his H are separating due to H's drinking and infidelity -- this is big because bro & his H were one of the examples of a "perfect" couple that W often referred to when explaining to OW how/why she is unsure about "us"
September 2016 -- exW suddenly unfriends me and my family from FB, my GF and I begin discussing ending our R (various reasons)
So this is where it all stands right now... I am definitely still in the middle of the storm and continuing to try to work on me. Getting involved with old friend was fun, but I think it did 2 things -- 1. Distracted me from my journey and 2. Opened my eyes to some things about myself that I needed to see in order to continue on my journey (so I believe it has served a purpose in this middle of all of this.)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
A bright spot today... Had a phone meeting with web developers for my new venture today and we should be launching the website this week!
This is related to the new business I am launching (mentioned near the end on my last thread), and this is a big point in my "win" column for me. I am successful in my career but got this biz idea a few years ago. Stumbled across something in May that made me realize the biz idea was more in my reach than ever and I have been working to launch it since May.
Normally this would be good just in general, but it's even more so because it is related to my employment challenges when ExW and I were still together -- challenges which impacted my emotional and mental state which I know was a contributing factor to the issues in our M/R during the last year of it. My self-esteem was low because I was having more trouble piecing together the part-time gigs that enabled me to be the work-from-home-parent and this also resulted in us having lower income than we'd had over the previous years which put a strain on us. This also contributed to ExW feeling like she was carrying the load financially for the family -- which contributed to her MLC.
At one point I did get involved with a startup that had a similar concept to my biz idea but that didn't work out. The owner had a flawed biz idea and wouldn't listen to suggestions from the two ppl she employed to help her launch it so I backed out. Never made a penny and wouldn't have anyway if she'd had a successful plan because my percent interest in the company was so low. All of this was happening at the same time that ExW was getting hit with the death of her stepmom which was the catalyst for full-blown MLC.
So to now be launching this idea on my own -- with a good biz plan -- is a bigger win for me than it normally would be. I am finally working on something that has been a dream for more than a few years, and if it is successful I will own 100% of the company which means decent supplemental income on top of my full-time salary at my current job. I won't have to quit my day job either because most of the website will automate most of the biz. I just need to do some marketing on social media and handle processing of payments through the system -- all of which can be done in the evenings. If it grows too big for me to handle on my own (fingers crossed) then I can hire people to handle those things as needed.
Looking forward to this and so glad the meeting went so well today. I needed it to. :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Congratulations on your new venture. I'm sure you are looking forward to get this off the ground and out there for all to see and use.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am not necessarily looking for an answer here -- I know the reason is just "MLC". I want to share this here as an observation and to help others who are baffled by the weird things their MLCers are doing. You/We are not alone -- very little of what they do makes much sense and most of us see stuff like this at various points or throughout the crisis. In many ways everything I am describing below just makes me sad for my exW because I think it is evidence of the turmoil she is feeling inside right now.
FB Unfriending Timeline
1. Through July -- Getting along great, exW even tags me in a couple of posts on her FB page that include pics of the kids at some of their events, occasionally likes some of my pics of the kids
2. August first week -- exW takes family trip with OW and kids to place where her family has a vacation home (this is an annual summer vacation) but only her dad and new stepmom are there -- "all" of the family were supposed to be there but her brothers & their spouses didn't go
3. August -- same week -- her brother and his H split up (I found about about this later but pretty certain exW found out about it when it happened during the week she & OW were on vacation with the kids) -- this is important because she used to tell OW about her bro and his H and describe them as a model couple and this was one reason why she had doubts about she and I as a couple (all of that was part of MLC Replay, but it is important that a couple that she viewed as an ideal couple has suddenly split up with some similarities to what she did to me)
4. August second week -- I take kids and my GF on family trip (my brother and his wife go too), exW posts a bunch of vacation pics on FB from her trip with the kids
5. August third week -- Kids are with exW and are just going to summer daycamp for the week, I find out from one of exW's brothers about the other brother and H separating, I post tons of our vacation pics on FB (either one of us posting vacations pics is not anything new -- we have both done this for years because we both use FB as a way to keep in touch and share life with distant relatives and friends)
6. August fourth week -- Kids with me, school starts
7. August weekend following first week of school -- kids with exW, my GF and I go to my cousin's wedding on Saturday evening, my GF posts pics on wedding night of us at reception - tags me and says "I love this woman"
8. August/September 1st week -- On Wednesday exW unfriends me and all of my family except for two aunts and one cousin on FB
I think it is also important to note that all she did was unfriend me and my family members. I can go back through her FB timeline and see all of the posts and pics in which she tagged me and any of our mutual friends/family. This includes photos of she & I with the kids as a family, photos of just she & I together, and all of the Happy Birthday and Happy Anniversary posts that she posted on her timeline over the years that we were both on FB. She has deleted none of this. So she unfriended me, but the history of her feelings for me -- at least what was posted publicly -- is still all there for anyone to see if they scroll through her timeline. BTW -- these posts completely contradict everything she said immediately after BD about never really loving me and never being happy in the R/M. The posts were over-the-top sweet and loving... But anyway, none of those posts matter much now that she's in MLC orbit.
The unfriending action was so completely out-of-the-blue and unexpected. When I reflect on the timeline above I can see clearly that it happened after I posted pics from my family trip and immediately after my GF posted pics of us at the wedding.
Did the posting of these pics trigger something in my exW? Why? How? What does it mean, if anything? Did the separation of her brother and his H trigger something inside of her? Maybe a combination of everything...? Who knows...
I know I will never know the answers to those questions. But I can't help but have some curiosity over why she would do this now after more than a year of remaining friends -- and interacting on FB -- even throughout the worst part of her MLC/Replay and our separation when we could barely even speak to each other. We have been getting along just fine for quite a while now. She often uses a friendly tone in some of her emails and text messages when we are communicating about the kids.
She also did an odd thing this past Friday night. I know that she and OW went to a big concert on Friday night. The artist was their favorite artist -- so much so that this artist's music was one of the key things they bonded over when they started their friendship and their EA. This concert would be one of those events that if you went to it with your SO it would be amazing and special. Both of them love the music, and so many of the songs have special meaning for them as a couple. When I woke up on Saturday morning to get the kids up and ready for soccer I noticed I had an email from my exW -- that she sent at 2:45 am (after they got home from the concert) -- asking me a random Q about one of our kids' choices of afterschool activities. She was going to see me in person in about 6 hours and could have just waited to ask me in person but she had to email me when, or not long after, she got home from the concert? Who does that? It is so weird... Thinking about one of the kids' activities and wanting to email my exW about it would be one of the last things I would think about doing after getting home from a special concert like the one they went to on Friday night.
I also noticed this past weekend that she was very cold and distant when we were all out at the kids' soccer games. She wouldn't look me in the eye and barely spoke to me at the ballpark. ("All" meaning exW, OW, me, my GF, exW's parents.) But later when I went to drop the kids and their stuff off at her house -- by myself -- she was incredibly friendly, making eye contact, and completely different from the behavior at the ballpark.
All of this has happened over the past month... after nearly a year of relatively calm and peaceful behavior from my exW.
MLC is such a mess... I know it's hard on my end, and I am trying very hard to remind myself that what she is probably going through and dealing with inside of her head is so much worse than what I am dealing with. But it is such a mess...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
There is no rhyme or reason for what the MLCer does or doesn't do. She may have become very resentful and jealous after seeing the photos of the vacation and trust me, they do not like for us to have a great time and have fun. They want us to be as miserable as they are. She also may not have been happy w/the fact that you and the GF were at a wedding together. Even though they don't want us, they don't want anyone else to have us either. Sick isn't it?
I wouldn't worry too much about being unfriended on FB. Right now, she may think she's punishing you because you are doing well and she knows that this action will bother you. Don't let her see you sweat! Also, she doesn't want to be reminded of what she's walked away from.
Continue as you have been, don't allow her behavior to change anything that you are doing. Keep moving forward and being the best you can be. She'll get over her little snit when she sees you aren't reacting to it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
There is no rhyme or reason for what the MLCer does or doesn't do. She may have become very resentful and jealous after seeing the photos of the vacation and trust me, they do not like for us to have a great time and have fun. They want us to be as miserable as they are. She also may not have been happy w/the fact that you and the GF were at a wedding together. Even though they don't want us, they don't want anyone else to have us either. Sick isn't it?
Yep -- that's what I assumed... Just all part of the MLC craziness... Sick and sad...
Originally Posted By: job
I wouldn't worry too much about being unfriended on FB. Right now, she may think she's punishing you because you are doing well and she knows that this action will bother you. Don't let her see you sweat! Also, she doesn't want to be reminded of what she's walked away from.
Good point Job :-) I didn't think about it in terms of "punishing" me, but that is very likely the way she viewed it. I admit my initial reaction was "WTF?!" and I wanted to ask her why she did it... But fortunately I have learned through all of this and I refrained from even mentioning it to her. I haven't brought it up and I don't intend to. And in all of my interactions since then I have been acting as if I never even noticed it.
No intention of letting her see me sweat.
Originally Posted By: job
Continue as you have been, don't allow her behavior to change anything that you are doing. Keep moving forward and being the best you can be. She'll get over her little snit when she sees you aren't reacting to it.
Exactly.
Honestly, I think she will regret it one day because when (if) she ever comes out of where she is right now she will probably miss being my friend on FB (being able to see my pics of the kids, interacting in a friendly way, etc.) and then she would have to send a new friend request -- which could be awkward. I would certainly welcome the friend request, but I'm not sure she has what it takes inside of herself to send me a request when she realizes that this action was a mistake on her part. Oh MLC...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Beginning to have moments where I think I may be going through my own MLC... Or maybe it's just ml transition because I don't feel the need for replay behaviors... Just feeling very unsettled, anxious again, and in need of something, but I'm not sure what...
Just booked my first ever solo-vacation to a place where I can get out in nature and do some hiking/exploring for a few days...
Feels good but also selfish and self-indulgent... I know I need it, and I know I need to get over the selfish/self-indulgent feelings so I can enjoy the trip and make the most of the time alone in nature.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Jer, I don't think you are having a MLC at all. I think what is going on is that you are trying to find your way and are still climbing mountains. You are trying to find your inner self and continue moving forward. It could very well be a life's transition and one that I know you will navigate well because you sound so grounded and level headed.
I think it's wonderful that you are going on a solo vacation and the hiking/exploring will be good for you physically and mentally.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
