Hello, I see a few familiar names. I drop in here every now and again to see new chapters to stories.
When I came on here, I had a 14-month-old baby and was depressed and struggling. DB made me realize I needed to have fun again. It took X 3 years to get around to divorcing me. During that time, I did a lot of work on myself and learned a lot overall.
Not long after D, OW dumped X--not surprising--and his life took some terrible turns. It doesn't look great from where I sit but I don't see him much any more.
On the positive side, I am happily remarried and have successfully blended families (at least so far--it's an ongoing process but I believe we are doing quite well). The baby is now 10!
On the negative side, I have struggled with a strange lung ailment (and no, I am not a smoker) that doesn't seem that serious but that also nobody seems to be able to help me with as much as I need. H is supportive and I feel much less worried than I would have been with X.
Interestingly, while I don't think about X, I have occasional dreams with him. I chalk it up to the way that the past comes up in dreams.
I have always suggested to newbies to try hard and do your very best. No matter what happens, you will be OK in the end. I know what it's like to have your heart breaking...but if you give things your best shot, you will know that you did.
There really can be happiness on the other side.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Forward, thanks for dropping by. I remember your story. I’ve been here for almost 4 years now. I’m sorry that you have to deal with unknown illness. But, it great to hear that your H is supportive and all of you and D are doing well! I’ve been divorced once before current H, so I know well about the dreams that come once in a while. I absolutely would not want anything to do with my first xh, the father of my son, but, I guess there are still some unresolved issue and feelings that come up, mostly in my dreams.
I’m looking forward to the happiness on the other side! Thanks again for the update!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi : so nice to see a post where someone has happiness. I currently feel like I'll never be happy again, but it has only been a few weeks for me.
I read your post and I too had a strange lung issue last year. However I found a great doctor and am much better now. Just to ask -- have you had a ctscan? Mine did not show up on X-ray and it took a Ctscan an a lung scope to diagnosis. I'm also a non smoker from a nonsmoking household. Just wanted to offer that little tidbit -- not sure what your issue is or what they have done to diagnosis.
Huge hugs and congrats on the new blended family.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Just a few days before the holidays and I do find myself thinking over these last years.
I am in the situation of being financially comfortable, in a new marriage, and with many good people around me. X has no one here except D. He isn't speaking to his father and his mother and grandmother passed away. He has few resources and little support and things are not great for him. If it weren't for D, he would be utterly alone.
The person who left was utterly ungrateful for any of the many positive things in his life. I wonder, now, if he misses those things. I feel kind of sorry for him. At the same time, I realize that he made choices.
I seem to remember, from long ago, that one thing that was a sign of the person coming out of MLC was that they would catch your eye. I avoid catching his eye. I am remarried and busy and not looking to change my M. I notice, though, that he does seem to want to catch my eye, and he opens up conversations with me. It took major earth-shattering things for him to maybe see things differently? I don't expect an apology, but the anger is gone from him.
OW is long, long gone and life is very hard for X.
I don't think I will know if he regrets what happened, but it doesn't really matter any more.
What an ending to X's tale. If you had told me this is where things would be, I would have been stunned.
I will add: I think it is very normal to wish for revenge. I know I did. And I suppose I could say that karma bit him hard. However, the concept of karma is more complicated than that and it is said to work in mysterious ways.
Those of you who are feeling vengeful: I get that. X said some horrible things to me. My heart broke many times. I was furious. And I had a baby and I was alone and scared. But know that years later, when you see the wreck of your former spouse, the feeling, at least for me, is one of pity, knowing how emotionally impoverished they are. I landed very well, with many good things in my life. I did not really expect that, I'd have to say. But here I am, and there he is, and there is no going back.
I was also forced to recognize the many unhealthy ways we interacted. I would now assume he would be interested only to have someone with him in his hours of difficulty.
What a tale. I'm not sure I know what to think or say. What a tale.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Occasionally I post an update. Things never truly end when you have a child.
X is alone and clearly struggling financially as well as health-wise. He's basically spent the last few years in a very miserable state.
At this point, I am realizing that his situation will affect D. I don't want D to have to deal with consequences of her dad's foolishness. Sooo...I offered to help him. I made some recommendations to him to help him get back on his feet. He did actually listen to what I said.
I am past the point of wanting to see things go badly for him. I even hope that he will meet someone.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I get it. I'm actually glad my ex is married ( not an OW - he met her about a year after he left) as I hope she'll care for my ex in his old age so my kids don't have to.
And although it might look on the surface like he's got things better - young wife, bigger income - life has thrown him some curveballs in the last few years. Meanwhile I have the better relationship with the kids, better health, and financial stability.
In fact, I was discussing with one son today the mechanics of an impending move of another son in college. I am not in town one weekend at that time, so at first I thought "No problem, your dad can drive the rental truck and help you move". Except I realized, he's had shoulder surgery and apparently his shoulder is still very impaired. So he wouldn't be able to lift boxes and furniture and possibly couldn't even drive the truck,
Meanwhile even though I'm 4 years older, at 62 I can still move boxes and furniture and I'm pretty good at driving a UHaul truck. So we'll need to schedule the move for a weekend I'm available. (You might ask why my sons are driving the truck but for a variety of reasons none of them are good choices to drive it.)
Great that you are helping him and he took the suggestions
I too would help XH if he asked and I am glad MY kids don't see him or have contact because I know he is not doing well-
There definitely comes a time when we as the LBS are done waiting, trying to fix and walking on eggshells but I know most of us would help them if the door opened for that
At this point I would be very happy to see XH get his life together and it would not bother me in the least for him to be in another r..Im just glad he is without OW-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
it's good to hear all this^^^, as my xh (divorce final 3 weeks ago) will be getting married soon. Or so I hear.
And it bothers me. I wish that it did not. And in my HEAD, I know he's a fool and that I'm better off without him. I have to remember things (below) to let what I know in my head, sink into my heart.
He was deceitful for a LONG time ,and he was cruel to me and our children.
Dropping college tuition for our d20, and doing it with more lying, ("I'm retiring" - I hired a PI and he was going to work and his name was on the surgery center where he's a physician) was just cruel.
I don't know how HE can come back from that without a ton of humility, which h does not do, and time consuming effort, which he also won't do -unless it's "all done & better!" in a day or two. That is his limit for "working" on a relationship.
Reading that^^^ shows me that I'm truly better off.
It is my - inappropriate - fear that he will suddenly be better for OW, and the anger I feel about his cheating and acting happy, that I need to work on. And I'm not crazy about OW who must know he's not spoken to me OR our kids in well over a year.
I'd be freaked out and repelled by a man who had NO contact with his ex of 35 years, and none of his adult children. Then again, if she's a total loser morally, she's aiming at his money and glad she won't have to share it with our children. Not a "great love" there.
Guess they are both of the same caliber. Maybe that is their karma.
Oh, on a sidenote -
I found a book about Christian Fathers...a book xh probably got but did not read, as he'd hope it dictates that I "obey" him to move back to Alaska and say nothing relevant to HIM.
And Alaska is where HE HAD to be b/c only there, could he be happy...and RICH, (which is the same thing for him.)
But the comment that amazed me, which xh MUST NOT have read or believed, was "the most important gift a father can give his children, is to be loving to their mother."
For sure xh never read that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
do keep posting. It's very important and very good to know what's on the other side.
Speaking of that, I read Desmond Tutu's comments on forgiveness. He said that anger and even hate, are not impossible to retain even with forgiveness. (Not great but not impossible).
What's important is that we become better people on the other side of this, better after this ordeal than we were before.
That's my main goal.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey Forward! It's been a while! I don't post very much anymore either. I'm glad that you are in a good place, and you are obviously the bigger person for offering to help him. Hopefully he will and you both can co-parent successfully.
