Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife II

[CT1118]

job and eric,


Thank you for the advice. It took about 24 hours for the frustration washed out. I had to sit down and write a paper for class and that seemed to make it finally fade.

Fortunately I did not let my son see or hear that I was angry. About it. I did ask him about 5 questions in an effort to try and determine how he perceives me, his mom and this dude. I felt bad afterwards though. Think it should have been less, but unless he approaches me again, I will let that fruit rot on the vine.

I did get the understanding from him I was looking for and I brought it up with my IC this morning. I realized that even having just turned 5, he knows something is wrong with that guy being there and not me. I even faced a really difficult thing to hear - son told me that he liked the OM and felt bad about it. That was a tough one, but I just told him again that he could tell me anything he wanted to and it was ok that he felt that way.

OK, lets not discuss that last one anymore please. Writing it out felt gross. DEEP BREATH...

I do think the idea that kids are resilient and will "be ok" since they are young is a BS concept. I have never believed it and not read it here, but many people out in the world have said it to me. I just let it roll off, they only mean to comfort.

[CT1118]

Why does the function of meaning have to be so dmn elusive? The journey of the MLC makes no sense, even when it makes sense. I have read so much on it; here, there, everywhere. I read all the posts assigned and suggested. I have either read, started, or obtained all the books recommended. I have disassembled and understood all of the MLC pieces like limnology, stages, denial, childhood trauma, standing, touch-n-go, etc. And still, the MLC is more than the sum of its parts; as a whole it is a paradox, as a person it is enigma.

Towards my MLC spouse, I have felt anger, aggression, pity, compassion, promise, apathy, responsiveness, chaos, love, friendship, confusion, disappointment, lust, intrigue, inspiration, hope, nothingness, despair, loss, sadness, and joy. Towards myself, I have felt shame, confidence, pride, anger, apathy, pity, loss, promise, fulfillment, nothingness, inspiration, rebirth, happiness, supportive, confusion, inspiration, sadness, positiveness, and joy. Perhaps not all encompassing, but close.

I feel detached from the chaos kid and her actions, but I do not feel detached from the idea that I still want the marriage with the prisoner inside, who may emerge a free woman. I feel attached to the emerging me and my actions, but I do not feel detached from the idea that I do not want the marriage with the chaos kid who may never let her prisoner go. In this I can find no function of meaning in the way I have known meaning.

I have always been a personality who sought meaning from fact, from logical explanation, from science. In that search, once I was formally trained in science, I realized that science only builds models, e.g. theory; laws are indisputable in science and therefore very rare when compared to theory. There is no scientific law for an MLC, unless they decide to jump off a cliff on the planet earth. Physical law states they fall to their death as fast as their mass accelerated by the force of gravity will take them. Yet, this is where the proverbial action defies, where they do the parabolic; they seem to float very slowly on the way down and then they hit or they don't, either way; they either stay down or seem to float back up, back down, back up, etc., until resting on the ground ad infinitum or rising back up, as slowly as they fell. That is to say, there are no laws in psychoanalysis, other than the physically applicable laws of other science.

So where does this leave a man who has spent his life viewing life through the lens of science. Two choices: I either keep looking for the model which best explains that which I am observing (and feel that I have already found) and then hope that my observations result as does the model, or I choose faith. Faith cannot be proven law by science. Faith requires complete trust and belief in something, anything, regardless of contradicting fact, converse to what is scientifically able to be proven, averse to past experience to the opposite.

In the face of this choice, I wonder an analogy - if I love a 41 year old woman who has 45 years, with early parole for good behavior. Actually that is not a wonder, that is what it is to me. I know what happened to get her imprisoned. I understand the systems which led her to be sentenced there. I agree to my contribution which led to her sentence. I know that the prisoner is a good person and could get out early on good behavior. What I don't know, is what will happen to the prisoner while she is in there? Who she will remain in order to survive, remain the chaos kid? Why she will do what she does in order to survive, return or deflect? How she will choose to cope in order to survive, by change or by remain? Further, will I understand her changes to get through it? Will I continue to visit her? Will I attempt to keep understanding her experience? Will I be there for her when she gets out? Who do I become while she is away? That is most important - who do I become while she is away?

There is no law of science for this MLC. The best we have is theory. There are numerous models of approach, but the best I have found include the same components: take care of yourself for the better, and if you have it in you, this will be a long ride. That is again, of the best I have found. But sometimes science and faith may coexist. I can know all day that scientific or even pseudo-scientific theory tells me to take care of me. However, what does this require? I believe this requires me to examine what I have abandoned long ago, which is faith. Not in the godly sense per se, which may result at some point, but rather to me intrinsically. There is no one who can experience my life the way I do quite like me.

Why does the function of meaning have to be so dmn elusive? The journey of me makes no sense, even when it makes sense. I have read so much on it; here, there, everywhere. I read all the posts assigned and suggested. I have either read, started, or obtained all the books recommended. I have disassembled and understood all of my pieces like control, love, distancer/pursuer, denial, childhood trauma, standing, stages of grief, etc. And still, I am more than the sum of my parts; as a whole my journey is a paradox, as a person I am enigma. But science, pseudo or otherwise, tells me that I have a statistical value of pulling myself through this by bettering myself greater than if I don't. Science, pseudo or otherwise, tells me that I have a statistical value neutral or less no matter what I do. Faith, feels more important now than ever; faith tells me that with either result, I will be ok, that things will be better, that I may be in this for a long time regardless of the prisoner's sentence. Yes, faith, in me, in those who help me, in those who love me, in the belief that good things will happen because I emit good things...this is what I have decided to look towards tonight and at least for the next mile or so.

It has been a very up and down past few days, both by myself, of my interactions with my MLC wife, and with my son. I had to reset perspective for myself. That is what the above was/is about.

[AndrewP]

CT1118 - I appreciate your struggle. You are even more of an analytical type than I am by orders of magnitude.

It might not be helpful but I'll offer these words which I hope will at least make you smile.

The human body is put together by amateurs in the dark. It's a surprise that the d@mned thing works at all.

If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research

I think your struggle and your search for answers is noble and while frustrating is probably doing you no end of good. Every scientist must admit though that they all stand on the shoulders of giants. The first researchers into the "electrical fluid" had no idea of what this novelty toy was capable of but just stood in wonder at it. Later people like Tesla could make it dance and do amazing tricks but all based on the work done before. In fact (I believe) even though we've been using it since Roman times modern chemists still haven't figured out exactly how cement works but it's around us everywhere and it patently does work.

I think it's for reasons like this that I'm perhaps going to spend a bit of time staring at the rose on my desk and just wonder at it's beauty knowing that I will never know how or why it is.

Thanks for posting this. I'm sure it felt good to write and it made me feel good to read.

[CT1118]

Andrew P -
Thanks man, of course this was helpful. Yes what I wrote felt good to write. When I began, the little white DB box we are so familiar with was staring at me - I was going to write something very different, and then the above came out.

A book I feel in love with once, until I didn't, then I realized such irony from the story. It would do all well here to read it, you know the name: The Little Prince. Your comment, conjured it so I dug it out of a stack, been a long time, but your comment took my mind straight there.

I think it's for reasons like this that I'm perhaps going to spend a bit of time staring at the rose on my desk and just wonder at it's beauty knowing that I will never know how or why it is.

Why you should read it? A quote...

"What does 'tamed' mean?" asked the Little Prince.

"It means 'to create ties with'" the fox answered. "...if you tame me, we'll need each other. You'll be the only boy in the world for me, I'll be the only fox in the world for you. One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything that's important is invisible to the eye." the fox said.

"I'm beginning to understand," the Little Prince said. "There's this rose flower...I think she has tamed me."

"It's all the time you've spent on your rose that make it so important, " the fox said. "Once you've tamed something, you're responsible for it forever. You are responsible for your rose."

Hehehe - smiling yet AP? interesting how the mind works.

[AndrewP]

"It's all the time you've spent on your rose that make it so important, " the fox said. "Once you've tamed something, you're responsible for it forever. You are responsible for your rose."

Hehehe - smiling yet AP? interesting how the mind works.

CT1118 - Thank you so much. I'm glad I'm in my home office today with a big box of tissues.

I'm somewhat familiar with The Little Prince but will definitely get a copy. Probably a nice one like my copy of The Wind in the Willows which W gave me a number of years ago. This will need to be read over and over again.

Roses have always been significant to me but now are many times more so.

And yes, I'm smiling while the tears are flowing.

[Brubeck]

That was a lot to digest, CT. I'm gonna have to come back later and re-read that again. Even though you are coming at your sitch from a different angle that I might, I can tell you are trying to look at the big picture and ask the necessary questions of everything. I'm not there yet myself. I admire you as you are progressing forward.

I feel detached from the chaos kid and her actions, but I do not feel detached from the idea that I still want the marriage with the prisoner inside, who may emerge a free woman. I feel attached to the emerging me and my actions, but I do not feel detached from the idea that I do not want the marriage with the chaos kid who may never let her prisoner go.

D@mn, this resonates. You hear something that encapsulates a feeling you already have. You didn't know it was there because it was buried beneath the shallows, and other times it is a feeling for which you haven't given any name for yet.

[CT1118]

It feels good to feel related, that is the best side of this place.

So, the funny thing about this life - my mother always said "things happen for a reason". Pretty sure that is a rather common phrase. Anyway, not always sure I subscribe to that, but what a strange set up, and perhaps with reason. Bare with me...

Towards the end of college, I was into this beautiful Filipino girl who was majoring in philosophy. We had this dance of minds and body, but a great connection. We only went physical twice, but spent so much time together with our heads. This girl told me to see if I could go and find a book worth talking about, I found the Little Prince. I only read the first 1/3 of it and kept it at her place. She would never take the plunge into truly dating me though.

So I went on and met this art major who was a painter and big on hiking/camping which I was too. On a third date, I was at her place for dinner and she asked me if I was creative, I was, but not with fine arts. She handed me a spool of copper wire and some metal snips. She suggested I make something real fast, don't think, just do. I made a little boy holding his arms out - it scukd, but when she ask what it was, I told her the little prince. A few years later I tossed that thing when we divorced.

So, run forward. Two weeks ago, I am in a bookstore looking for something for s5's bday, I see the little prince and get hit with the above memories. I buy it. I gave it to him early, we read it over the course of three nights. I am realizing over those nights how amazing the book is and how remarkably it communicates love, journey, and self. Then, Andrew P makes this seemingly random mention in response to my earlier prose - and it sparks me to share.

So coincidence or meant to be, I cannot say. I will tell you, the rose does encourage the Little Price to go on his journey - and I hope that is enough of a cliff hanger to get you to read it.

[CT1118]

Though...on my sitch, which I have not directly spoken about on this thread in a bit, which I was going to moan about before I wrote my MLC wax poetic a couple days ago.
A few days ago, last Sunday, day after spouse's Bday, which was one day after s5's bday, I am on my balcony of my apartment (third floor, chose it on purpose, gets extra exercise in just to come and go)enjoying a lovely day and reading a text book. My son comes outside and says "daddy, I wanna talk". Delighted, I feel. He begins and without recreating 18 minutes or so of convo - he tells me he is sad inside, feels confused, afraid for me, concerned about his mother, likes her OM, her OM is "bigger" than me (why he was afraid, he is wider than me - I'm playing nice), tells me OM is there some nights, he wishes "you and mommy would play the song of love again" (I know where he got this phrase, she gave me small statues when he was three of a man and woman playing instruments and we told him they played the song of love, but how he remembered that? wow!).

It was heavy, but I encouraged emotion, told him it was ok for him to share, I showed no disrespect, I did good. She calls me Tuesday, I had not heard from her since Saturday after s5 Bday. She was on her way to get him, said call from school, he was acting up, etc. She told me how she responded - she did good, I told her that, everything she said I would have said myself or agreed with. Then she asks about how he was, why he feels need to misbehave, etc. So I tell her about the above convo.

I was calm, told I was getting ready to share some hard info, but she was his mom, she asked about why, etc. I gave no speculation, nor judgement, did not get into boundaries which she clearly violated, just said - this is what he said, you asked, here you go. Spew and defense (no need to explain the defense, it was same s__t you all know) from her. I was not disappointed, asked her once to check her disrespectful tone, gave no options, gave no advice. No advice that is, save one bit - when she said "I don't understand, I do everything with him, everything. I take him out, I cater to him, I make the entire day about him! And he does not speak to me like that, he does not ask me to talk! Why would he say that to you?" To this I said, "I am not sure why, but I know I offered to him that if he ever wanted to talk, I would listen. And then when he did, I did." She thanked me at that point, for listening to our son, then she thanked me for sharing it all with her, she acknowledged that it must have been tough for me to hear these things.

So, I put this post in for a grounding. I am still a human, still a dude involved with some real chaotic kid that I share experience with in this life. Still go through this and fall upon training. Brubeck, Eagle, AndrewP - this chaos chick does exist in the real world, she is someone I speak to, she is someone I can touch and see, and she does annoy the holy s out of me. But, she can surprise me, make me laugh sometimes, and seems real on occasion, and I'm not calling her a liar - just saying I don't believe much that she says, I'm not just some philosoph here to practice for a book.

Brubeck correctly noted something about my personality - that I take a big picture approach, he was truly spot on. I do believe my writing and the way I choose to express myself when writing, especially regarding myself here - in anecdotes, metaphor, and creative language, could be sometimes distracting from the real fact that I am still an actual guy, who is just making the best of this opportunity in my life which has been gift wrapped in a s__t sandwich that I had to eat. Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife...

[AndrewP]

I will tell you, the rose does encourage the Little Price to go on his journey - and I hope that is enough of a cliff hanger to get you to read it.

I ordered my copy yesterday. It should arrive early next week. I chose to spend extra to get a hardcover copy with the original illustrations but the words would be the same regardless of edition. I expect it's something I'll want to read with my grandchildren when I finally get them.

It's interesting how it turned into a "franchise" with lots of spin-off books and derived works but I think I'll only pay attention to the one book at least for now.

Thanks CT1118 for being one of the lighthouses in this place for me.

[Cld]

He begins and without recreating 18 minutes or so of convo - he tells me he is sad inside, feels confused, afraid for me, concerned about his mother, likes her OM, her OM is "bigger" than me (why he was afraid, he is wider than me - I'm playing nice), tells me OM is there some nights, he wishes "you and mommy would play the song of love again"

What your wife is doing to your son is totally disgusting.
I feel so sorry for you and your son and I wish that doing
something like that was punishable by law.

Hugs my friend.